Abandonment fears after leaving a narcissistic family system

Published on: February 26, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Being cast aside as the “black sheep” of a narcissistic family can leave you feeling like an outcast, a mere afterthought. The disdain and rejection you’ve faced may have planted deep roots of fear within you, affecting how you view yourself and your place in relationships. Your upbringing may have left you struggling to find validation within yourself, trust others, and manage your emotions, all as a result of the toxic teachings of your family system.

If you find yourself struggling with your own abandonment fears, remember that overcoming them is a step-by-step process that is worth every effort you make. Give yourself credit for the progress you have already made, and be kind to yourself as you continue to heal and grow. You have already demonstrated your resilience, and with time and patience, you can replace destructive patterns with healthier ones that align with your values and beliefs.

Indications of Abandonment Fears

• Difficulty Trusting Others: People with abandonment fears may have difficulty trusting others, as they may feel that those around them will inevitably leave or abandon them.
• Fear of Rejection: Individuals with abandonment fears may have an intense fear of rejection and may feel anxious or panicky in social situations where they feel that they may be rejected.
• Difficulty Forming and Maintaining Relationships: People with abandonment fears may have difficulty forming and maintaining relationships, as they may be overly clingy or avoidant.
• Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Individuals with abandonment fears may have difficulty setting boundaries, as they may feel that doing so will lead to rejection or abandonment.
• Anxiety and Panic: Abandonment fears can lead to feelings of anxiety and panic, which may be triggered by specific situations or experiences.
• Difficulty Handling Rejection or Disappointment: People with abandonment fears may have difficulty handling rejection or disappointment, and may respond with intense emotional reactions.
• Low Self-esteem: Individuals with abandonment fears may have low self-esteem and may feel that they are not worthy of love or acceptance.

Pushing Beyond the Fear

The Power of Saying No

The fear of abandonment can lead us to prioritize others’ needs over our own, often without realizing the cost to ourselves.

When we say yes to something we should say no to, we’re agreeing to invest our energy, time, and resources, often at the expense of our well-being.

Saying yes when we should say no means sacrificing a part of ourselves, potentially causing discomfort, depleting our resources, and straining our mental health, all to maintain a connection with someone who may not reciprocate our efforts.

Each time we overcommit, we chip away at our essence, leaving ourselves feeling empty and drained. The lingering question becomes: how do we fill the void we’ve created?

Unfortunately, the answer may be that we can’t. When we give beyond our means, we’re left with nothing for ourselves. Sacrificing our peace and well-being for others’ approval or to maintain relationships can have long-lasting effects on our mental health.

Meanwhile, the recipients of our generosity may not fully appreciate or understand our capacity or the impact of their requests. They may be focused on their own needs, unaware or indifferent to the toll it takes on us.

Ultimately, we must prioritize our own well-being and not rely on others to do so for us. We are our own safety net, and sacrificing our needs for the sake of others is a risky bet that often leaves us unsupported.

Sacrificing ourselves, not out of a sense of healthy responsibility as a parent would for a child, but out of fear of being abandoned, will inevitably lead to living a life filed with resentment, frustrations and anger. We may believe that because we sacrificed ourselves to fulfill another person’s needs, they will surely love us back or reciprocate when our resources are low and theirs are plentiful. This is a false belief.

With this kind of mindset, you must prepare to have your heart broken again and again.

True love and healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and understanding of each other’s needs and boundaries. Self-sacrifice is not a normal everyday relationship requirement between two capable adults.

Not only is this type of mindset unhealthy for our mental health, it also attracts all sorts of opportunistic manipulators and users into our lives.

Furthermore, your inability to say no may backfire and push healthy friends away. You may begin to feel resentment towards people who set healthy boundaries for themselves and this feeling may cause you to inadvertently sabotage a good friendship.

When a person sets boundaries and communicates their limits, it can be easy for us to misinterpret this as selfish behavior, especially if we are used to going beyond our limits and draining our own resources for everyone. We may feel heartbreak or even betrayal to hear someone else say no, while in reality they are simply taking care of themselves, which is a crucial aspect of any healthy relationship. A good friend will respect your limits and a healthy “no” is to be expected both ways in a healthy friendship every once in a while.

Love is not about sacrificing your needs, but about nurturing them. Setting boundaries and communicating our needs is an essential part of any healthy relationship. Saying no is not selfish, it is a necessary and healthy aspect of self-care. It is important to recognize the difference between a healthy yes and a fear based one, and to create a balance where both parties can feel respected, heard and loved even when the answer is the occasional no.

Maintaining a balance between caring for others and taking care of ourselves will avoid feelings of resentment and unrealistic expectations of others.

A person who is healthy for you, will never abandon you for saying no.

What’s the Worse That Can Happen?

When dealing with abandonment fears, it can be easy to imagine the worst possible scenarios and become overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety and insecurity. Asking yourself “what is the absolute worst that can happen?” and preparing a strategy to accept it, can help to reduce the impact of these fears and improve your emotional well-being.

For example, if you have a fear of being abandoned by a romantic partner, the worst-case scenario might be that they do in fact leave you. To prepare for this possibility, you can develop a plan to take care of yourself emotionally and financially. You may then relax and enjoy the ride and see where it may lead you knowing that you can always fall back on yourself if it doesn’t work out.

Another example is if you fear being abandoned by friends, the worst-case scenario might be that they do in fact stop talking to you. To prepare for this possibility, you can focus on a hobby, activities that make you happy, self-care and self-compassion as a way to take care of yourself emotionally. This in fact, will make your life richer, and you will feel more comfortable with your interactions knowing that your entire world doesn’t revolve around a particular group of people.

Preparing for the worst-case scenario does not mean that it will happen, but it can help you to feel more in control of the situation and reduce feelings of anxiety and insecurity. It is a way of being realistic and at the same time preparing for the worst so it doesn’t catch you off guard.

Being prepared for the worst-case scenario does not mean that you have to accept it as inevitable. Be present with the people in your life, practice your communications skills, lay down healthy boundaries and see what happens. You can do all of this comfortably knowing that you have your own back no matter what happens.

Letting Go

Let them focus on you when they want to, and because they want to. Not because they have to, because you made them, or because you went out of your way to get their attention.

When dealing with fears of abandonment, it can be easy to fall into the trap of trying to control others in order to feel secure in our relationships. We may try to control how others think, feel, and act in order to prevent them from leaving us.

However, trying to control others is not only unhealthy for our relationships, but it also prevents us from truly healing and addressing our fears of abandonment. When we keep a tight grip on another, we are not facing our own fears and insecurities. We are not learning to trust ourselves and our own abilities to handle any potential rejection or abandonment. We are not addressing the real issue. We are only projecting our issues and insecurities onto them. This is not peaceful living for either party.

It’s important to remember that every person is autonomous and has their own agency. We cannot control their thoughts, feelings, or actions. We can only control our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. By focusing on taking care of ourselves and learning to trust ourselves, we can build a strong foundation of self-worth and self-love that will be the foundation of a healthy and fulfilling life.

Additionally, holding on too tight may cause them to feel resentful and trapped in the relationship, and they may ultimately leave the relationship. It’s much more important to focus on building healthy and mutual relationships, where both parties feel free to express themselves, and respect each other’s boundaries and limits.

Love is not a competition and there is always enough to go around. The more freedom a person has to be themselves, pursue their interests, and live their life as they please, the more authentic the love they have for others will be.

Trust and growth are important components of any healthy relationship and cannot be achieved if one person is constantly holding on too tightly.

When you let go, you open up space for growth and development. By allowing others to make their own choices and decisions, you plant the seeds of trust that can grow and strengthen as the relationship evolves. While it is possible for relationships to falter, it is not fair to hold someone accountable for something they have not yet done. Give them the opportunity to demonstrate their character and intentions. If the relationship does not work out, you will be fine and you will move on. But if it does, the trust cultivated can become an unbreakable bond.

Pay Less Attention to Others, and More Attention to You

Turn the focus away from other people and instead focus on building your own self-esteem. When your self-worth is based on the validation and acceptance of others, you may experience feelings of worthlessness, insecurity and your abandonment fears are amplified. When you have low self-esteem, you believe you are not worthy of love and respect.

However, by shifting the focus to yourself and working on building your self-esteem, you can learn to value and accept yourself regardless of the presence or absence of a relationship. This can involve setting personal goals, focusing on a passion or hobby, practicing self-care and self-compassion, developing a sense of purpose and more importantly making decisions that empower you.

By working on your own self-esteem, you can learn to trust in your own abilities and worth, rather than relying on the validation of others. This can help to alleviate fears of abandonment and provide a sense of security in your own self. Remember that you are in charge of your own happiness and self-worth, and that you don’t need anyone else to validate you to be worth something.

Published on: February 26, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach