Am I a People Pleaser? Overcoming the desire to People Please

Published on: April 29, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Being a people pleaser means that you have a strong desire to please others and gain their approval. People who are people pleasers often prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own needs and desires, even if it means sacrificing their own well-being.

One of the signs of being a people pleaser is seeking validation from others. This can manifest in various ways, such as constantly seeking approval for your actions or decisions, feeling anxious or stressed when you think you may have disappointed someone, or feeling like you are not enough unless others approve of you.

While it may seem like a positive trait to want to make others happy, it can become problematic if it leads to sacrificing your own mental health, personal wellness, or self-respect. Saying yes to everything and everyone can lead to burnout, resentment, and feelings of being taken advantage of. It also prevents you from living a life that is in alignment with your values, and even from pursuing dreams that are your own.

It’s important to set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being, even if it means saying no to others or disappointing them. It’s okay to prioritize your own needs and desires, and it’s important to recognize that not everyone will like or accept you, and that’s okay too. Striving for acceptance and approval from everyone is not a realistic or healthy goal.

The signs

• Feeling anxious or uneasy when people express anger or disappointment towards you.
• Taking responsibility for other people’s emotions, which can sometimes result in controlling behavior.
• Agreeing to do things you don’t want to do, simply to please others.
• Pretending to find something funny or interesting, even when you don’t.
• Offering to help others, even when you are unable to do so.
• Struggling to say “no” to requests or demands from others. Compromising your own values or beliefs in order to gain approval or acceptance from others.
• Apologizing frequently, even for minor things that are not your fault.
• Quickly changing your opinions or beliefs to match those of others.
• Finding it difficult to set boundaries with others and prioritize your own needs.

Self-development tactics

Identifying your non-negotiables

Identifying your non-negotiables is a crucial step in developing healthy boundaries and breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies. If you’ve been prioritizing other people’s needs over your own for a long time, it can be challenging to know what you truly want and what you’re comfortable with. That’s why it’s essential to take the time to understand your values and priorities. Learn about your core values here

Creating a list of your non-negotiables is a great place to start. This list should include things that you will never compromise on, no matter what. For example, if you’re uncomfortable with someone disrespecting your boundaries and talking back to you after you’ve clearly expressed your discomfort, that can become a non-negotiable for you. Knowing your non-negotiables will help you recognize and reinforce your boundaries when others try to push them, and it will help you identify safe people from unsafe ones. Setting boundaries after surviving being scapegoated

Some non-negotiables, such as verbal abuse, silent treatment, gaslighting, and character destruction, may be obvious. Others may be more subtle, such as ensuring that you’re heard and not constantly being minimized in a conversation. It’s essential to be clear about your needs, even if it means saying no to someone’s request. Remember that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s.

It’s also important to note that unsafe people will not respect your non-negotiables. They may try to minimize their importance, mock you, or call you overly sensitive. Recognize that this is a manipulation tactic meant to evoke negative feelings like guilt or shame in you. That’s why your non-negotiables are non-negotiable, and when you’re being pushed around, there’s no need to keep explaining or justifying yourself to anyone. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your non-negotiables. Unlike boundaries, which may have some flexibility, non-negotiables are like solid rock and should not be compromised. You must get to know what those are for yourself.

Change the way that you respond

If you have a habit of saying yes to everything, it’s important to develop a new habit of pausing before responding to any request you may receive in the future. Our emotions can sometimes trick us, and the drive to please others may temporarily override how we really feel. Instead of automatically saying yes, try saying “I’ll think about it,” regardless of how you feel at that moment. This gives you time to wait for the temporary emotional high to pass and think about whether the request aligns with your values and priorities. You can also use the phrase “Let me get back to you” to buy yourself more time and avoid giving an immediate response. Remember that it’s okay to take your time and make a thoughtful decision.

If you decide that the answer is no, keep in mind that saying “I can’t” leaves room for debate and explanation, which is not something you want to get into if you’re already struggling with people-pleasing. Saying “I don’t” is a more honest and assertive response that clearly communicates your decision without leaving room for negotiation or explanation. This can help you stay true to yourself and avoid getting caught up in people-pleasing behavior.

Start small

Learning to say no can be challenging, especially if you have a habit of people-pleasing. However, starting small and practicing with minor situations can help you build the confidence to say no when it really matters. For example, you could start by saying no to a waiter or waitress who offers you a drink. Instead of accepting, politely decline and ask for something else. This simple act can help you get comfortable with saying no and standing up for your preferences. Gradually, you can apply this approach to more significant situations, such as setting boundaries with family or friends, or saying no to work projects that are not in your best interest. Remember that it’s normal to feel discomfort when saying no. Learn that the discomfort that you may feel from saying no is temporary and will pass. Your decision on the other hand, will have long lasting consequences for you.

Overthinking

Overthinking can be a common challenge that many people face in their daily lives. When we overthink, we tend to analyze and interpret situations in a negative way, which can lead to unnecessary stress and anxiety. It’s important to remember that everyone has their own life, goals, and problems. Most of the time, other people’s reactions or behaviors have nothing to do with us. It’s easy to get caught up in our own thoughts and assume that others are judging us or reacting to something we did or said. However, in reality, they may be dealing with their own issues or simply reacting based on their own experiences.

One way to combat overthinking is to practice mindfulness and focus on the present moment. Try to notice when you’re getting caught up in negative thoughts and gently redirect your attention to the present. Another helpful technique is to challenge your thoughts by asking yourself if they are based on facts or assumptions. Often, our overthinking is based on assumptions that are not grounded in reality.

Remember that overthinking is a common experience, and it’s okay to seek support if you find that it’s interfering with your daily life. Therapy, mindfulness practices, and self-care can all be helpful tools in managing overthinking and reducing stress and anxiety. By learning to let go of unnecessary worry and focusing on the present moment, you can improve your overall well-being and lead a more fulfilling life

Stop apologizing too much, change how you apologize

Over-apologizing can also lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem. It can create a cycle where you constantly feel like you’ve done something wrong or inadequate, leading to a negative spiral of self-doubt and self-criticism. This can also cause anxiety and stress, as you become overly preoccupied with pleasing others and avoiding mistakes. Additionally, over-apologizing can cause you to feel like you are not being taken seriously, as it can come across as insincere or overly submissive.

It’s important to remember that apologizing is not a bad thing, and it’s important to take responsibility for mistakes and make amends. However, it’s also important to recognize when an apology is appropriate and to use it effectively. By focusing on taking corrective action and expressing gratitude rather than over-apologizing, you can maintain your mental health and build positive relationships with others.

Work on self-validation

Learning to validate yourself is an important aspect of developing healthy self-esteem and a positive self-image. It means taking responsibility for your own happiness and well-being, rather than relying on external sources like other people’s approval or validation. One way to do this is by learning to do things that make you happy without needing anyone else’s permission or validation.

This could involve engaging in hobbies or activities that you enjoy, taking care of your physical and mental health, and setting goals that are meaningful to you. By prioritizing your own needs and desires, you can learn to feel good about yourself and your accomplishments, without relying on the approval of others.

It’s important to remember that seeking validation from others is a natural human tendency, but it can also be a source of anxiety and stress. When we rely on external sources for our self-worth, we give others the power to determine how we feel about ourselves. This can be especially damaging if those sources are unreliable or inconsistent in their support or validation.

By learning to validate yourself, you can build a strong sense of self-worth and resilience that can help you navigate life’s challenges with greater confidence and ease. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek support or validation from others, but rather that you should prioritize your own needs and learn to rely on your own judgment and values to guide your decisions and actions.

Published on: April 29, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach