Are you an empath? Beware of toxic empathy and learn how to protect yourself

Published on: January 30, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Toxic Empathy

Toxic empathy refers to an excessive and unhealthy form of empathy that causes us to lose sight of our own needs and boundaries. It often manifests as feeling responsible for another person’s emotions or problems, and becoming so engrossed in their issues that we neglect our own well-being. This type of empathy can be harmful to both ourselves and the other person, as it can perpetuate unhealthy patterns and enable negative behavior.

One common scenario is when you find yourself alone, having reflected deeply on the repeated boundary violations, ultimately concluding that ending the relationship is necessary. You prepare yourself mentally for the challenging conversation, determined to firmly set your boundaries. However, as you confront the person, their tears and emotional outpouring evoke feelings of empathy within you, making it challenging to maintain your resolve.

You then adjust your behavior based on this one powerful feeling, disregarding all your previous thoughts, opinions, feelings, needs, limits, values, even temporarily forgetting about your hurt, your lack of emotional safety in that particular relationship, and your own unhappiness…just like that.

Toxic empathy doesn’t allow you to feel your own feelings. When you experience toxic empathy, you lose your sense of self and your values are forgotten. What’s worse, you could be inadvertently rewarding bad behavior without even realizing it. Toxic empathy prevents the situation that you are in from improving, and draws you back into the same cycles that have always existed over and over again.

Providing comfort and support to others is important, but it should not come at the cost of neglecting your own needs.  People are responsible for their own actions, and enabling bad behavior by providing comfort without consequences is not beneficial in the long run. Consequences are important teachers of life.

Toxic Empathy Permits Scapegoating and Enables Dysfunction In Dysfunctional Households

When I was a child and throughout my teen years, it became clear to me that my mother was deeply dysregulated. She didn’t behave like other mothers, and she had deep-seated issues that no one in the household addressed. She exhibited all the symptoms of a classic vulnerable/ malignant narcissist. It was no secret that she was hypersensitive to criticism, chronically felt like the world was against her, and believed that if a red carpet wasn’t rolled out for her, she was being conspired against. She had incredible mood swings, a massive martyr complex, would isolate herself, was paranoid, was extremely preoccupied with status symbols, and utilized guilt, shame, silent treatments, physical violence, and manipulation as naturally as breathing, all of it behind a mask of the greatest empath on earth.

It was second nature to her, and I soon had to learn that there would be no room for my feelings, emotions, or authenticity in my home. Everything swiftly became a competition with her “superior emotional experiences”. Ironically, someone who portrayed herself as the greatest empath on earth would denigrate me and smile with contempt when I eventually developed a panic disorder as a teen. She would mock and label my episodes as “acting” and “shows for attention I did not deserve.”

Instead of addressing my mother’s psychological issues and acknowledging the harm she was causing her own daughter, who became her designated emotional release system, everyone enabled her.

“Poor her, it’s not her fault… you should have known better, next time tip toe harder around her, and maybe she won’t resort to her abusive tactics” they would say, even when I was just a young teenage girl desperately seeking some normality and guidance in my life.

My father would fall for her victimhood narrative, sympathize with her, and his well-meaning behavior inadvertently reinforced her dysregulated behavior, even when it involved me. Year after year, he continued to deny that something was wrong, opting instead to pacify her with sweets and ice cream to soothe her moods.

My father cautioned me against seeking professional help, insisting that “we will deal with it ourselves.” Meanwhile, my older sibling chose to turn a blind eye to the situation, even laughing it off and dismissing my mother’s behavior as normal and part of our cultural upbringing, despite the physical, psychological, and emotional abuse she regularly subjected me to.

In my last year of contact with any of them, my father had a brief hospital stay, prompting my sibling to visit our mother and check if she needed assistance. It was during this visit that my sibling came to a striking realization about her complete incapacity to function in society. “It’s crazy! She can’t function normally at all,” my sibling expressed, as if it were a shock to him. He will never know how painful he made every single phone call in which he would laughingly express how “crazy she was” and then happily hang up, moving on with his “happy” life. I could never understand why they all not only prevented me from getting her professional help but oscillated between laughing at somebody’s serious mental health disorder and groveling and serving her to avoid ‘upsetting her further’. To them, it seemed like mental health was a joke, trivializing the gravity of her condition.

Nobody listens to the scapegoat, yet the scapegoat is often the only one who truly understands what’s happening.

Witnessing enablers face the consequences of their denial after years of perpetuating dysfunction was profoundly shocking for me. This is the outcome when the path of toxic empathy is chosen over reason. Eventually, reality catches up, and the scapegoat must maintain their resolve to protect themselves. In my case, my mother’s narcissism worsened with age. She continued to blame me as an outlet for her anger, even into her old age. Her need to scapegoat me never ceased, and her manipulative games persisted for years, until I finally mustered the courage to block everyone who enabled her. They chose to enable her through their toxic empathy, catering to someone who truly needed psychological intervention rather than sweets and appeasement to maintain a false peace, which was never truly achieved.

Now, I prioritize self-empathy above all else, after a lifetime of receiving none from my family. There’s no guilt or shame in ensuring one has empathy and compassion for oneself.

Toxic Empathy and Manipulators

It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of toxic empathy when your genuine kindness and caring demeanor is manipulated and weaponized to keep you obedient and under another’s control.

When dealing with a manipulator or a covert narcissist, one may get caught in toxic empathy in several ways:

• Feeling responsible for the narcissist’s emotions: A covert narcissist will often make others feel guilty for their own emotions, and it’s easy to get caught up in trying to make them feel better.
• Believing that the narcissist is a victim: Covert narcissists often play the role of a victim, making it easy for others to believe that they are in need of help and support. However, this can be a tactic to gain sympathy and attention, and to help them avoid doing the hard work of personal development and growth.
• Ignoring one’s own needs: A covert narcissist may demand a lot of attention and emotional energy, leaving little room for others to take care of their own needs.

Toxic Empathy and Enablers

Toxic empathy can be a powerful force that prevents enablers in a narcissistic family system from seeing that they are the reason why the dysfunction continues.

Toxic empathy can deceive enablers into believing that they are helping by empathizing with the narcissist’s perceived suffering and victimization, even at the expense of ignoring their self-destructive patterns. Enablers can become so attached to the narcissist’s story that they become oblivious to the harm their enabling causes.

Enablers may also feel a strong sense of loyalty to the narcissist, especially if they are a close family member or spouse. They may feel that it is their duty to support and defend the narcissist, even if it means ignoring or minimizing the harm that is being inflicted on others and on themselves. This loyalty can be so strong that they become blind to the reality of the situation and the harm that is being caused.

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Toxic Empathy and Relationships Beyond the Narcissistic Family System

Your empathy is like an open door, it welcomes others in, and allows them to connect with you on a deeper level. However, it’s important to be cautious of who you allow to enter through that door, as those with self-serving intentions may use your empathy to manipulate and betray you.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting for you to lock the door and throw away the key, but It’s wise to put people through a personal screening process before you open your heart to them.

Friends who only reach out to you when they want something from you, are a prime example of how empathy can be exploited. They may use the “sandwich method” to deceive you into thinking they are genuinely checking in on you, when in reality, they haven’t thought about you until they realized that you had something they wanted. Hell, they may not even genuinely like you, but keep a facade of friendship only to use you as a resource, and keep their options open.

They will suddenly show up or call, “out of the blue”, initiate the conversation by feigning interest in you, inquiring about topics that they know are important to you, and displaying attentiveness to your replies. Following this, they will make a request, express a problem, or convey a need that they are aware you can meet. They will evoke your empathy by informing you that you are the only person who can satisfy their requirement and how immensely grateful they would be if you were to comply. The discussion will end with excessive praise for your willingness to assist. After fulfilling their request, that “friend” will remain out of touch for a significant period or until the next occasion they need your aid.

And when you are the one to reach out to them, you are met with excuses such as them being too busy with work, their projects and their lives to make time for you.

“They’ll have to see if they can fit you into their busy schedule sometime…”

When we care about someone, we let them know that we do consistently, not only when we desire to be served.  Your empathy does not help you in these situations. In fact, it is used against you.

The Benefit of Consequences

A consequence can be laid down regardless of you level of empathy or love for the other person. A consequence has nothing to do with the love that you hold for someone else, and everything to do with the love that you owe yourself. Loving someone else does not equate with there being less love left for you. This is a false limiting belief. Healthy love goes both ways and does not diminish anyone, rather it elevates everyone. It is important to shift your perception of consequences and understand the value they can bring to your relationships. Consequences can be a powerful tool in fostering healthy, respectful interactions with others. By setting clear boundaries and holding people accountable for their actions, you are able to communicate your expectations for how you want to be treated. Furthermore, by enforcing consequences, you are showing self-respect and setting a standard for how you will not tolerate being treated. In order to break the cycle of toxic relationships, you must learn to prioritize your own well-being and use consequences as a means of protecting yourself and promoting healthy interactions.

For example, if someone shares your personal information without permission, a consequence could be for you to no longer share personal information with that person. Another example could be if someone repeatedly shows up late, a consequence could be to set a specific time at which the person must arrive or the plans will be cancelled. This has absolutely nothing to do with your love for the other person, and everything to do with you respecting yourself, your time and your resources.  You can show empathy for the other person, while also showing yourself the same level of empathy and self-respect. These two concepts can absolutely co-exist.  When communicating consequences, a person is making it clear that they value and respect themselves. A consequence is not “I don’t love you”. Rather it is, “I love myself too. Let’s work together to strengthen this relationship as two equals who respect each other.”

The Purpose of Consequences

• To protect yourself from further harm.
• To promote change and prevent the individual from continuing their bad behaviors.
• To empower yourself and take control of the situation.
• To break the cycle of neglecting your own needs.
• To promote healthy relationships based on mutual respect and trust.
• To reduce feelings of guilt and shame.
• To reduce enabling behaviors and co-dependency.
• To foster your autonomy and take ownership of your life.
• To prioritize your own needs and engage in self-care.
• To promote accountability and personal development.

Without consequences, there is no learning, no growth and no improvement. Toxic empathy only enables.  It does not heal, help, or solve anything.

Wiggle Your Toes

If a wave of toxic empathy overwhelms you, ground yourself. Wiggle your toes and feel the weight of your body on your feet. Focus on that feeling for a moment and then remember:

In the physical space that you occupy, and on the two feet that you stand on, another person’s wiggling of their toes, is not something that you can feel in your own shoes, is it? You can only feel the sensation of your toes inside your own shoes.

That’s not to say that you couldn’t have an excellent idea of what people are feeling when they wiggle their toes. You may imagine how they might be feeling, you may sympathize if they are hurting, or you may even coordinate the wiggling of your toes together and create a bond in such a way! But the fact still remains…

You can’t feel their toes in your shoes. You don’t know if their feet are cold or hot, sweaty or dry, if the skin is sensitive or rough. Are they wearing socks? Are those socks cotton? Polyester? What if they are wearing socks and you are not? What if they are wearing boots and you are wearing flip-flops? Would the feeling still be the same? You will never feel what they feel from the perspective of their own body. Your feelings are your own and come from your body.

Toxic empathy fools you into believing that the feeling of your own toes wiggling belongs to someone else.

See how to set boundaries after having been scapegoated

Published on: January 30, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach