Beyond Success: Unveiling the Unseen Struggles of Scapegoated Overachievers

Published on: February 1, 2024

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

A common situation I often come across with scapegoated survivors of narcissistic family systems is one where the survivor, growing up in an environment where everything is consistently centered around the parent or caretaker’s unmet and dysregulated emotional needs, is driven by a burning desire to persevere, work tirelessly, and become extremely successful. The underlying belief is that by achieving such success, they will somehow finally prove their worthiness as a human being to the world and, more importantly, to themselves.

Perhaps by achieving this success, they may finally appease that little voice echoing deep down inside that whispers: “Maybe they will finally see me now…”

Such survivors will work tirelessly to achieve success, even sometimes to the point of burnout. However, despite their accomplishments, accolades, and financial rewards, they find themselves sinking into deep depression, grappling with a profound sense of emptiness in the aftermath.

It’s a poignant reality that many scapegoated survivors will spend their lives subconsciously seeking the validation that was never granted to them as children and that they will most likely never receive from that parent as adults. While as adults, we may tell ourselves that we should feel ‘past this,’ our wounded inner child will quite disagree. 

In healthy households, when a parent mirrors their child’s emotions, acknowledges their victories, and does not resort to punishment, shaming, and invalidation, a supportive environment is fostered, teaching the child to validate themselves from within. Raised in dysfunctional families with emotionally unavailable or self-centered parents, these survivors may discover in adulthood that no matter how successful they become, they cannot escape the deep void that was seeded in childhood, as this is a missing key piece of their core wounds that was never resolved and still feels raw when triggered.

But why does such emptiness persist despite outward success?

This persistent emptiness despite outward success often stems from the profound emotional wounds inflicted during the formative years. Scapegoated survivors, growing up in an environment where their achievements were consistently undermined or disregarded, internalize a sense of unworthiness and inadequacy. I should add to this that their best qualities are often demonized and viewed as unsubordinated flaws.

This, I speak from personal experience as the daughter of a narcissistic mother who consistently undermined my abilities throughout my life, asserting that I was too unintelligent to pursue the programs at school that interested me. Upon defying her narrow expectations and pursuing my interests, I faced the silent treatment for several months as a consequence of challenging her limited perception of me.

Ironically, (and sadly quite commonly when it comes to narcissistic parenting) these punishments were consistently followed by manipulative displays of praise in public settings.

The false praise served only as a façade to maintain the illusion of perfect parenting, as behind closed doors, it was accompanied by destructive criticism and a relentless competition of ‘who knows more, who is superior, and who is the only key holder of knowledge, irrespective of the subject, situation, or context. This toxic environment was further compounded by verbal abuse, psychological manipulation (gaslighting), antagonisms, and systematic character destruction.

This cycle can only perpetuate the sense of unworthiness, regardless of earnest efforts to be treated with genuine respect and acknowledgment.

So when it comes to success, despite our best efforts to overcome these negative perceptions through external accomplishments, the core belief that we are inherently flawed remains deeply ingrained.

The cycle of seeking external validation becomes a subconscious pattern, driven by the desperate need to fill the emotional void created by a lack of nurturing and acknowledgment in our upbringing. The achievements, though remarkable for many scapegoated survivors, become mere substitutes for the genuine emotional support and validation that was needed but never received as children, teenagers and young adults. 

Moreover, the success-driven overachievers may have developed an unconscious habit of tying their self-worth solely to external accomplishments. This approach, while bringing temporary fulfilment, fails to address the fundamental need for self-validation and acceptance. The emptiness persists because it’s an internal void that requires inner healing and genuine self-discovery, beyond material success, rewards and external validation.

Shifting the mindset around why we do what we do 

While the pursuit of success and surpassing expectations is commendable, it becomes crucial to evaluate the underlying motivations propelling such achievements. When the drive to excel is rooted in proving one’s self-worth or seeking external validation and rewards, it may lead to burnout and even depression, serving as a compensatory mechanism for internal struggles and unresolved wounds.

It’s important to note that the objective is not to halt the drive for success, as doing so could be counterintuitive. Rather, the focus should be on reframing the reasons behind our actions, aligning them with genuine desires and immediate needs, instead of being solely influenced by external factors such as avoiding the feeling of disappointing people, compensating for internalised guilt or shame, the pursuit of money, status, or the sole desire for gaining external rewards.

Extrinsic vs. Intrinsic Motivation

The distinction between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation plays a significant role in understanding the driving forces behind an individual’s actions and achievements.

Extrinsic Motivation

Extrinsic motivation involves pursuing goals or engaging in activities for external rewards or to avoid negative consequences. This can include seeking approval from others, aiming for good grades, or striving for promotions. While external motivators can provide short-term satisfaction, relying solely on them may lead to burnout, anxiety, or a sense of emptiness.

Intrinsic Motivation:

Intrinsic motivation, on the other hand, stems from internal desires, passion, and personal satisfaction. When individuals engage in activities because they genuinely enjoy them, find them interesting, or consider them personally meaningful, their motivation is intrinsic. This type of motivation often leads to a more sustainable and fulfilling pursuit of goals, as the joy and satisfaction come from the activity itself rather than external rewards.

Understanding both extrinsic and intrinsic motivation becomes crucial for several reasons:

Breaking Dependency on External Validation: 

Overachievers who are scapegoated survivors may have developed a reliance on external validation to fill the void left by childhood neglect or criticism. Recognizing this pattern allows them to shift towards intrinsic motivation, fostering a healthier sense of self-worth that isn’t solely dependent on external approval.

Sustainable Fulfillment: 

Extrinsic motivation can provide temporary satisfaction, but it may not lead to lasting fulfillment. Intrinsic motivation, rooted in personal values and enjoyment, often leads to more sustained happiness and a sense of accomplishment. Understanding this difference enables overachievers to seek fulfillment that goes beyond external recognition.

Self-Reflection and Authenticity: 

Scapegoated survivors may have adopted overachieving tendencies as a coping mechanism for their past experiences. Exploring both extrinsic and intrinsic motivations encourages self-reflection. It helps them discern whether their goals align with their authentic desires or if they are driven by external pressures.

Balancing Expectations: 

Overachievers may set high standards due to external expectations, possibly stemming from their family dynamics. Understanding the interplay of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation allows them to balance these expectations. They can set goals that genuinely resonate with their passions while managing external pressures more effectively.

Coping with Setbacks: 

Intrinsic motivation often provides a stronger resilience against setbacks. Scapegoated survivors, accustomed to external validation, may struggle when faced with criticism or failure. Embracing intrinsic motivation equips them with internal strength, making it easier to navigate challenges without feeling defeated.

Cultivating a Sense of Autonomy: 

Scapegoated survivors may have grown up in environments where autonomy and personal agency were compromised. Understanding intrinsic motivation empowers them to regain a sense of autonomy. They can set goals based on their genuine interests, fostering a greater sense of control over their lives.

Mindfulness questions

Mindfulness questions can be powerful tools for helping gain insight into motivations, distinguishing between extrinsic and intrinsic factors. 

• What truly drives me to achieve my goals?
• Who am I without my achievements?
• What legacy do I want to leave behind?
• What’s my purpose?
• Am I setting goals based on my authentic desires or am I setting goals based on external factors and expectations?
• How do I feel when I achieve success or receive recognition?
• Do I constantly compare myself to others in terms of success?
• What activities bring me joy purely for the sake of doing them?
• How do I handle setbacks or failures?
• Do I feel a constant need to prove my worth through achievements?
• Do I take time to appreciate and savor the process, or am I solely focused on the end result?

Remember, there is so much more to you than your achievements. Your worth is not solely defined by what you accomplish; it’s also shaped by your character, kindness, resilience, and the unique qualities that make you who you are. Embrace the journey of self-discovery, acknowledging that your inherent value goes beyond external validations and accomplishments.  

“You can motivate by fear, and you can motivate by reward. But both those methods are only temporary. The only lasting thing is self motivation”. Homer Rice.

Published on: February 1, 2024

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach