Breaking the Cycle: Unveiling the Enablers Fueling Narcissistic Family Dynamics

Published on: February 7, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

If the narcissist is a locked door, the enablers are the key that opens it, and the foot that prevents the door from closing.

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse struggle to understand the reasons behind their continued suffering, often without realizing that a key contributor to the cycle of abuse lies in the actions and inactions of enablers.

Enablers, Are the Narcissist’s Fixers

A narcissist’s grip on power is not the product of any gift or skill they possess, but rather from their drive and fixation on manipulating those in their circle to get what they want. This web of control is the cornerstone of their kingdom, but just like any empire, it needs faithful servants to maintain their image, carry out their commands, and sing their praises. Without these loyal followers, their mask falls and their rule crumbles.

The presence of enablers is crucial for a narcissistic system to exist. Without them, the narcissist would be held accountable for their actions; there would be no more abuse, no more blame shifting, and no more normalization of harm.

However, enabling is not a simple matter of people making deals with the devil.

It starts with an attachment to a person, a belief, or a cause. Many of us may have fallen prey to enabling because of the existence of such an attachment, without even knowing it. Have you ever defended a close friend without taking the time to hear the perspective of the other person first? Most of us probably have done this at least a few times in our life.

Some of us may have once followed relationship advice given by a respected leader, such as a priest, therapist, or coach, even though it wasn’t the best advice we could have followed. When we form an attachment, or admire a person, there is a natural element of trust at play. We don’t always question the things that people tell us.

Enabling can also take quite dark and twisted turns, such as providing alcohol to an alcoholic to ease their pain or not bringing an emotionally dysregulated person to seek therapy out of fear of upsetting them further. These bonds can cause people to ignore warning signs, keep them from seeking the truth and doing the right thing.

In a narcissistic family system, enablers are often family members who have formed some sort of attachment to the narcissist, sometimes long before the family scapegoat was born. While some of them may have shown kindness to the scapegoat and not been the source of abuse, their attachment to the narcissist always affects their decision-making, which, at the end of the day, has devastating consequences for the narcissist’s main target in the family.

It’s All About Self Preservation

Discovering that the supposed kindness received from those involved in the narcissistic family system is not rooted in genuine love, instead, is aimed at preserving the dysfunctional family dynamic can be a harsh realization. Enablers, at the end of the day, act out of loyalty for the narcissist, and everything they do is to maintain the status quo and avoid upsetting the delicate balance of the system.

How many times have we bonded with enablers, shared pleasant conversations, and even found an empathetic ear when the narcissist wasn’t around? However, like obedient soldiers who snap to attention at their superior’s arrival, enablers may change their stance and behavior when the narcissist is present. One moment, they may appear kind and understanding, but in the next, they may turn their back on the survivor to placate the narcissist’s unpredictable emotional states and maintain their position in the narcissistic system.

Other types of enablers may commiserate with the family scapegoat about the toxic behavior of the narcissist, but when the scapegoat bravely shares their own harrowing stories, seeking support, these enablers suddenly silence them, either by swiftly shifting the subject or abruptly ending the conversation. These enablers, who are not the primary targets of the abuse, like the golden child or extended family members, may opt to disengage from the situation and avoid getting caught in the crossfire, leaving the scapegoat to deal with their struggles alone.

This enabling behavior perpetuates the cycle of trauma, trapping survivors in a vicious cycle of abuse and pain. It is attachment and love for these enablers that serves as the glue, preventing survivors from healing, leaving the toxic dynamic, and holding the narcissistic individual accountable for their destructive and abusive behavior.

This realization can be devastating for survivors of narcissistic abuse who must confront the fact that their beloved family members, the ones they hold dear, are actually a greater threat to their well-being than the narcissist. When a person realizes that a family member is abusive, leaving them is not as difficult as when the abuser is surrounded by people that the survivor loves, shielding them from the consequences of their actions. The role of enablers is to protect what they are attached to - in this case, the illusion of peace in a dysregulated household - at the expense of the scapegoated family member. If the scapegoat chooses to leave, they will have to do so alone.

Common Types of Enablers

• The Pollyanna Enabler focuses on the positive qualities of the narcissistic family member and disregards or minimizes their negative behavior, even when the family scapegoat is being unfairly targeted.
• The Co-dependent Enabler supports the narcissistic family member’s behavior by providing emotional, psychological, or physical support, perpetuating their dependence.
• The Martyr Enabler sacrifices their own needs to meet the needs of the narcissistic family member, even at the cost of neglecting their own children’s emotional needs.
• The Silent Enabler doesn’t speak out against the narcissistic family member’s behavior, goes along with it even when they’re aware of the harm.
• The Satellite Enabler orbits around the narcissistic family member, like for example a family friend who visits occasionally, and supports the narcissist.
• The Co-narcissist Enabler has their own narcissistic traits and forms a codependent relationship with the narcissistic family member.
• The Outlaw Enabler defies the narcissistic family member when they are not around, but still enables their behavior through their silence or loyalty to the family.
• The People Pleaser Enabler always tries to please others, including the narcissistic family member, even when it means ignoring the mistreatment of the family scapegoat.
• The Mini-me Enabler strives to emulate the behavior and traits of the narcissistic family member.
• The Flying Monkey Enabler actively participates in the abuse and manipulation orchestrated by the narcissistic family member. These are individuals who act as the messengers and enforcers of the narcissist’s agenda. They may deliver messages, ultimatums, weaponize guilt to draw the scapegoat back into the system, spread rumors, or isolate the victim from other family members.

Read more about the narcissistic family system here

Published on: February 7, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach