Breaking the Endless SHE SAID-HE SAID Loops: A Message to Scapegoats of Narcissistic Parents

Published on: May 8, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Scapegoating and the Narcissistic Family System In a Nutshell

In a narcissistic family system, scapegoating involves targeting one family member to bear the blame and shame for the entire family’s dysfunction. This chosen scapegoat becomes a lightning rod for an emotionally dysregulated, antagonistic, and self-unaware individual, often a central family figure like a parent or caretaker. This central figure frequently demands constant attention as family members strive to appease their unpredictable moods and, one might even say, delusions.

It’s not uncommon for a scapegoated child to experience profound destabilization as they grow older, making it challenging for them to navigate life’s complexities. As the targeted child faces difficulties, the narcissistic parent reinforces the negative narratives they’ve created around the child by declaring to everyone, “See? I told you my child was the problem! Just look at their poor life choices! Pity me!”

When the abuser cunningly switches roles and presents themselves as the one who is suffering, the real victim is left feeling helpless and bewildered. Suddenly, they must fiercely defend their own reality, pain, and trauma.

The abuser orchestrates a toxic triangulation dynamic, inviting other family members to align with the narrative they’ve crafted about their scapegoated child, leaving the true victim outnumbered and attacked before they even have a chance to fully process what they’ve endured.

In a narcissistic family system, the scapegoat often faces loved ones closing their ears, feigning ignorance about whom to believe, even though they have witnessed the covert narcissist’s genuine dysfunction through their daily actions and distorted worldview. The victim is compelled to confront the daunting unknown alone, with no resolutions in sight, as the cycles of abuse persist. The abuser’s manipulation effectively generates a “he said, she said” scenario, leaving others struggling to differentiate between truth and falsehood.

For information about narcissistic family systems, click here

What is Blame Shifting

Blame shifting, also known as blame attribution, is a psychological defense mechanism where an individual attempts to deflect responsibility or accountability for their actions, behavior, or mistakes by placing the blame on someone else. Instead of acknowledging their own role in a situation, they point fingers at others, often in an attempt to avoid negative consequences, criticism, or feelings of guilt or shame.

Blame shifting can take various forms, such as:

• Deflection: Shifting the focus away from their actions by redirecting attention to others or unrelated issues.
• Projection: Attributing their own negative qualities, behaviors, or motives to someone else.
• Denial: Completely refusing to accept any responsibility and insisting that they are blameless.
• Minimization: Downplaying their own actions and the impact they’ve had on others.

What is DARVO

The DARVO method, which stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender is a manipulation tactic that is often used by abusive toxic individuals.

• Deny: The abuser may deny that they have done anything wrong, and instead, blame the victim for the situation. For example, if the victim confronts the abuser about their abusive behavior, the abuser may deny that they did anything wrong and say that the victim is overreacting or being too sensitive, has a demonic character and that “they had no choice” to react in the abusive, neglectful, and or harmful ways that they did. A narcissist always has a “reason” for behaving the way that they do, no matter what they did.
• Attack: The abuser may attack the victim’s character or credibility in order to discredit them and make them appear to be the one at fault. For example, the abuser may spread rumors or make false accusations about the victim in order to make others doubt their story.
• Reverse Victim and Offender: The abuser may flip the situation and portray themselves as the victim, while making the true victim appear to be the one who is causing harm. For example, the abuser may claim that they are the ones who are being victimized by the victim’s accusations, and that the victim is trying to hurt them.

The Role of Enablers in a Narcissistic Family System

In the complex dynamics of a narcissistic family system, enablers often assume the role of anchoring the scapegoat to the narcissistic parent. They engage in acts of kindness, perform favors, and take on roles typically seen in a healthy family structure. However, these gestures are frequently used as a means to rationalize and normalize the ongoing abuse, as if they could be balanced on a scale. This dynamic often resembles a transaction: “I’ve done something good for you; now, it’s your turn to reciprocate.” “I’ve shown my love for you; now, you must prove your love by remaining close to the person who continues to inflict harm upon you.”

Contrary to the ‘well-intentioned’ enablers’ beliefs, the trauma endured by the scapegoated child, inflicted by a narcissistic parent, cannot simply dissipate through sporadic acts of kindness. Trauma accumulates over time, leaving deep scars.

Abusive behavior cannot be erased by occasional favors or fleeting positive moments. The human psyche operates with far greater complexity.

Furthermore, when confronted by the pleas of the scapegoat for help, enablers often resort to deflecting responsibility and maintaining a clean slate. They may employ phrases like “What do you want me to do about it?” to evade addressing the true issues. Instead of taking the scapegoat seriously, helping them set boundaries, or creating a safe space for them to express themselves and share their experiences, enablers tend to shift the blame back onto the scapegoat. This places an additional burden on an already beleaguered individual who deals with constant accusations and antagonism from the never-satisfied narcissistic abuser, while simultaneously undermining their efforts to seek support and resolution.

The Scapegoats Often Solitary Journey of Healing from Trauma

Scapegoats, having borne witness to their abuser’s multifaceted masks and manipulations, often embark on a challenging path towards healing from trauma all by themselves. They are the sole bearers of the truth, having glimpsed the many faces of their abuser, while outsiders remain oblivious to the fact that the self-proclaimed ’empath’ they are defending is, in reality, a deeply dysregulated and dysfunctional narcissist.

Through personal experience, I can attest that in a narcissistic family system, few are willing to contend with the narcissist’s tantrums, and they all subscribe to the idea that it’s easier to live in a world of make-believe. Despite efforts made to address the genuine dysfunctions within the household, the narcissist has so relentlessly invoked the term “victim” that the true survivor’s words fall too often upon desensitized ears.

Breaking free from a narcissistic family system, and commencing the journey of healing demands a significant amount of effort, persistence and a willingness to do the very hard work of personal development and growth that lies ahead.

Often, this process begins with a complete emotional and, if possible, physical disengagement from the entire narcissistic family system, along with those who continue to enable the behavior of a dysregulated, antagonistic, and often covert narcissistic central figure who dominates the family.

Prioritizing Your Emotional, Physical, and Psychological Safety

Surviving the relentless scapegoating within a narcissistic family system can feel like an insurmountable challenge, but as a survivor myself, I want you to know that it’s possible to overcome, even when the odds seem stacked against you. Every day is an opportunity to focus on your well-being and take small but courageous steps towards emotional freedom and inner peace.

Instead of feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, concentrate on the practical actions you can take, starting today. Here are some concrete steps you can consider:

1. Seek Support: Don’t go through this journey alone. Reach out to trusted sources for advice and guidance. Connect with a therapist or coach who can provide valuable support tailored to your needs.

2. Join Support Communities: Find survivor groups or communities where you can share your experiences in a safe space and receive advice on achieving your goals and well-being.

3. Self-Care: Take regular breaks for yourself. Even a short walk in nature can help you recharge and regain focus. Prioritize your emotional and physical well-being.

4. Define Your Non-Negotiables: Determine what you won’t compromise on, especially when it comes to your safety. Make a personal commitment that your safety will no longer be used as a bargaining tool. Scapegoats often struggle with guilt stemming from conditional love, where they’re only accepted if they meet certain conditions. True love cares about your well-being and needs, and you should prioritize your mental health.

5. Focus on Yourself: In a narcissistic family system, genuine care and concern are often reserved for the narcissistic parent. Redirect your attention towards your own needs and listen to your inner voice. Take actions that promote your mental health and well-being. Make decisions that empower you and prioritize your independence.

6. Limit Engagement: Avoid getting drawn into arguments or debates with your narcissistic parent. Recognize when they are attempting to provoke you or engage in competitive victimhood, and choose not to participate. This can help reduce the emotional toll and prevent the cycle from escalating further.

The path to healing is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s never too late to reclaim yourself. Remember that healing is possible. As you navigate this journey, stay resilient, focus on your inner strength, and create a new, safe, and supportive environment for yourself. Set new goals, surround yourself with a chosen family, express yourself through art, and cultivate your unique healing journey. Keep creating, and never stop believing in your own capacity to heal.

Remember:

• The abuser’s portrayal of themselves as the victim is part of their manipulative tactics. Abusers often try to manipulate the people around them, including friends, family, and even professionals like therapists and law enforcement, to believe that they are the victim and the real victim is actually the one causing harm.
• Document everything that has happened. Keep a record of the abuse, including dates, times, and specific incidents. This can be useful if you need to prove your case in court or to convince others that you are telling the truth.
• Seek out support from people who believe you. Surround yourself with people who understand your situation and believe what you are saying. This can be a therapist, a support group, or trusted friends and for some, a family member that doesn’t enable the narcissistic parent.
• Avoid engaging in arguments with the abuser or anyone who enables them. Trying to defend yourself against their accusations can be exhausting and ultimately futile. It can also give the abuser more power over you. Remember that your silence can be a much more powerful boundary than screaming a million words that will never be heard. Always remember that the narcissist wants you to react. This is where they get their power. Read about the gray rock method here
• Consider getting legal help. If the abuser is making false accusations against you or trying to paint themselves as the victim, it may be necessary to take legal action to protect yourself. An experienced attorney can help you navigate the legal system and build a case against the abuser.

Published on: May 8, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach