Fake Family Love During the Holidays for Scapegoats in Narcissistic Family Dynamics

Published on: December 9, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

When the holiday season approaches and surroundings transform with twinkling lights, joyful carols, and promises of “love” and “togetherness,” these times of the year can become profoundly triggering for scapegoated survivors of narcissistic family systems. The stark contrast between what survivors are told they are supposed to feel during these festive times and the harsh reality of the struggles caused by the trauma of narcissistic parenting can turn these seasonal events into anxiety-inducing and confusing nightmares.

So, let’s begin with a reminder, an irrefutable fact regardless of the holiday or special event:

Genuine love transcends the constraints of seasonal festivities, surpassing the allure of wrapped gifts, twinkling light shows, or lovey-dovey words written in sparkling cards.

• Genuine love is a constant and unconditional force that manifests every day through meaningful and genuine actions.
• Genuine love is celebrated every day, throughout the entire year.
• Genuine love is respectful, emotionally safe, present, and consistent.
• Consistency is key.

While holiday seasons provide opportunities to enhance and reinforce existing love, they cannot erase the actions of antagonistic, neglectful, abusive, self-victimizing individuals who have shown zero accountability, remorse, or empathy throughout the entire year towards those affected by their behavior.

The holiday season cannot magically “strengthen” family bonds if those bonds were never present in the first place.

Learn more about narcissistic family systems here

Gaslighting and Cognitive Dissonance

A heavy, negative atmosphere fraught with tension generally dominates such dysfunctional families.

Then, in a disconcerting twist, as the holidays draw near, the entire dysfunctional system—which includes the main antagonist who sets the tone for the heavy atmosphere in a home devoid of joy and genuine connection, and who has spent the entire year demonizing their own and using the most vulnerable family members as disposable emotional dumping grounds, along with the enablers who stood by and did nothing to protect their own (as they weren’t the main targets)—suddenly promotes ideas of togetherness? Love? Family?

Say what?

This behavior stands as a disheartening contradiction, constituting yet another form of gaslighting, especially when considering the enduring damage inflicted on surviving children who, as adults, find themselves grappling with the lasting effects of trauma. These surviving adults are forced to cope with years of therapy, support groups, isolation, painful triggers, and various physical ailments that manifest due to the relentless anxiety/trauma. And now, suddenly, they are supposed to gallantly and stoically open their arms and celebrate “family togetherness”…with their abuser?

The sudden proclamation of ideas about togetherness, this facade of family unity paraded once a year, merely serves to stroke the egos of those who perpetuate these abusive dynamics, their cognitive dissonance leading them to believe they are “wonderful human beings” upholding “wonderful traditions.” This only intensifies the gaslighting that the scapegoat is already enduring, as narcissists almost always portray themselves as exceptional, empathic, generous, and wonderful individuals. What better time than the holidays to reinforce this image.

This “illusion” of everything being just fine and wonderful, is often reinforced as the scapegoat is then bombarded with a barrage of “flying monkeys”; enablers who show up at the door, send cards, and make phone calls, spouting words like: “It seems like you are not family-oriented,” “You don’t love your family,” “You are ruining family togetherness.” and especially “We love you”.

Not family-oriented?

The irony is palpable, particularly when considering that the scapegoated family member became the narcissist’s primary target precisely because they were the only one tirelessly advocating for genuine family peace. They attempted repeatedly to address the real family issues, initiated much-needed conversations, and genuinely begged every family member to open their eyes and confront the actual problems for years, all without ever being given a second thought.

Yet, despite these efforts, they found themselves demonized, minimized, humiliated, and rejected for their truth-telling.

Now, as they grapple with exhaustion and pain, deciding to shift their focus to self-prioritization and healing, their essential boundaries lead to them being labeled as… not family-oriented? The irony of narcissistic family systems can feel absolutely surreal to all scapegoated survivors.

Holiday Boundaries

When faced with the decision to go low or no contact during the holiday season, prioritizing one’s well-being is, in my view, a non-negotiable. The toxic guilt that may accompany such decisions should be met with the understanding that self-preservation is not just acceptable but absolutely imperative. Opting for peace over toxic relationships is an act of self-love—a declaration that mental and emotional well-being should not be sacrificed on the altar of societal expectations or familial traditions.

For those grappling with this decision, my strong encouragement is to, above all, grant oneself the most crucial gift for any upcoming holiday season or special event: the essence of self-compassion. What would you advise a friend if they were in such a position? What would you tell your own child? What would you tell a stranger if they told you your story as if it happened to them?

A lack of self-compassion is a hallmark of trauma.

Learning to Validate Oneself

Scapegoated survivors often grapple with the paradox of seeking validation from the very sources that inflicted harm upon them.

I too have found myself harboring a secret wish for a magic pill or spell that could unveil the truth, exposing the hidden reality of what transpired within my home behind closed doors.

The invalidation of the deep inflicted, wounds that no one will ever acknowledge, let alone permit the scapegoat to feel, speak of, or seek compassion and validation for, represents the most challenging aspect of healing from a narcissistic family system. Closure is elusive in such circumstances, and we must learn to close that door ourselves.

The struggle to reconcile with the denial and silence surrounding the trauma is a heavy burden that survivors often carry in solitude. Yet, recognizing the toxicity and choosing to step away is a courageous step towards healing and reclaiming one’s life.

Scapegoats, in my opinion, have the highest chance to break the cycle of generational trauma precisely because of their self-awareness and powerful instinct to hold on to their authenticity and refuse to succumb to a dysfunctional way of life.

These powerful qualities are what make them targets in the first place, as they pose the biggest threat to the illusions carefully crafted by the narcissist to maintain a dysfunctional way of life without accountability or engaging in personal development work that requires a deep dive into one’s own shadow—an endeavor a narcissist refuses to undertake.

Let’s all remind ourselves of who we are and our values as the pressures of the holiday season knock at the door.

As the holidays approach, let us not succumb to the superficiality of seasonal cheer. Instead, let us embrace the idea that love is a year-round commitment, expressed through consistent and genuine actions. For those facing the decision to distance themselves from toxic relationships, may the mantra of “Peace over Toxicity” guide them toward a healthier and more fulfilling future. Love should be a gift we give ourselves and others every day, not just when the calendar dictates.

Consider granting yourself a precious gift—one you may not have allowed yourself to unwrap before.

The gift of self-love, self-compassion, and peace.

Published on: December 9, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach