Fear is Instilled in the Scapegoat by the Narcissistic Family System: Let Go of It

Published on: July 17, 2023

In a narcissistic family system, fear is taught to the scapegoated family member through various dynamics and behaviors. Here are some ways this can occur:

The ways in which fear is created by a narcissistic family system

Blame and Criticism: The scapegoat is often singled out as the cause of problems within the family. They are consistently blamed for issues and are subject to constant criticism and negative judgement. This can create a pervasive sense of fear and insecurity, as the scapegoat feels constantly under attack and unable to meet the family’s expectations.

Emotional Manipulation: Narcissistic family systems commonly involve emotional manipulation. Scapegoats may be subjected to gaslighting, where their experiences and perceptions are invalidated or distorted, causing them to doubt their own reality. This manipulation can induce fear and confusion, as the scapegoat struggles to trust their own judgement and emotions.

Emotional and Physical Abuse: Scapegoats may bear the brunt of emotional or even physical abuse within a narcissistic family system. This abuse can take various forms, such as verbal insults, neglect, humiliation, or even direct acts of violence. The constant threat of abuse creates a constant state of fear and hypervigilance in the scapegoat.

Isolation and Rejection: Scapegoats often experience exclusion and rejection from other family members. They may be treated as outsiders or outcasts, leading to feelings of loneliness and alienation. The fear of abandonment and social isolation can be deeply distressing for the scapegoat, as they may believe that their worthiness and belongingness depend on their family’s approval.

Cultivation of Dependency: In some cases, narcissistic family systems may intentionally foster dependency in the scapegoat. By limiting their autonomy and promoting a sense of helplessness, the family ensures that the scapegoat remains reliant on them. This dependency can create a fear of standing up for oneself or breaking free from the toxic dynamics, as the scapegoat may fear losing any semblance of support or connection.

Betrayal: Betrayal is a common experience for scapegoats in narcissistic family systems. They may constantly fear being betrayed by their own family members through breaches of confidentiality, emotional backlash, manipulative alliances, broken promises, and discrediting of their narratives. This fear erodes trust and makes it difficult for the scapegoat to form healthy relationships or confide in others.

Differentiating between healthy fear and unhealthy fear

Distinguishing between healthy fear and unhealthy fear is important for understanding the impact fear can have on our lives.

Healthy fear, also known as logical fear, is a natural and adaptive response to immediate and tangible threats. It arises in situations where there is a genuine danger to our physical or emotional well-being. For example, feeling fear when encountering a venomous snake or being cautious near the edge of a steep cliff can be considered healthy fear. It serves a protective function, alerting us to potential risks and prompting us to take appropriate actions to ensure our safety.

Unhealthy fear, on the other hand, is disproportionate to the actual threat or may be triggered by memories, experiences, or imagined scenarios that are not immediately present. This type of fear can be chronic, excessive, and disruptive to our daily lives. It may lead to persistent worry, anxiety, avoidance behaviours, and can interfere with our ability to engage in normal activities or pursue our goals and aspirations. Unhealthy fear can manifest as phobias, generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The fears that act as blockers

Fear of Rejection: Scapegoats in narcissistic family systems often face consistent blame, criticism, and rejection. As a result, they may develop a fear of being rejected or abandoned by others in their personal relationships or social interactions.

Fear of Failure: Scapegoats are often burdened with unrealistic expectations and constantly made to feel inadequate. As a result, they may develop a fear of failure and perfectionism, constantly striving to prove their worthiness. They may fear that any mistake or setback will reinforce the negative beliefs they internalised while growing up.

Fear of Confrontation: Scapegoats are typically the ones who speak up against the dysfunction within the narcissistic family, which often leads to further scapegoating and gaslighting. Consequently, they may develop a fear of confrontation, avoiding conflicts and potentially compromising their own needs and boundaries.

Fear of Intimacy: Scapegoats may struggle with forming deep and meaningful connections with others due to the lack of emotional support and validation within their family system. This fear can manifest as difficulty in expressing vulnerability or maintaining closeness in relationships.

Fear of Asserting Themselves: Scapegoats are often conditioned to prioritise the needs and desires of others while neglecting their own. As a result, they may develop a fear of asserting themselves, fearing potential negative consequences or retribution for expressing their thoughts, emotions, or boundaries.

Fear of Repeating Patterns: Survivors of narcissistic family systems may fear perpetuating the same unhealthy dynamics in their own relationships or future families. They may worry about becoming a narcissist themselves or attracting narcissistic partners, leading to a heightened sense of vigilance and self-reflection.

Fear of Disappointing People: Scapegoats may develop an intense fear of disappointing others. They may constantly worry about not meeting the expectations placed on them, whether it’s from their family, friends, or other significant individuals in their lives. This fear can be paralysing, leading them to prioritise the needs and desires of others above their own and constantly seeking external validation.

Things that you can do:

Get Curious with the unknown

When combating unhealthy fears, it can be helpful to train yourself to see the unknown as an ally by cultivating curiosity. Understand that fear often arises from the uncertainty of unfamiliar situations or outcomes. Instead of perceiving the unknown as a threat, intentionally shift your perspective to embrace it with curiosity and an eagerness to explore. Develop a mindset that welcomes new experiences as opportunities for growth and discovery. By fostering curiosity, you can reduce anxiety and approach your fears with a sense of wonder and openness. Embracing the unknown as an ally allows you to navigate uncharted territories with a positive mindset and a willingness to learn, leading to personal growth and transformative experiences.

Learn to lean on yourself

To be your own pillar that you can lean on, it is important to learn how to feel good when you are alone. Embracing solitude requires overcoming the fear of being alone and instead developing strategies to manage your life on your own terms, regardless of whether someone accompanies you. Cultivate activities and interests that are exclusively yours, such as maintaining a workout routine, going for walks, engaging in art or music, pursuing hobbies, gaining knowledge, or taking classes. By establishing a sense of independence and nurturing your own passions, you build a foundation of self-reliance and inner strength. Being comfortable in your own company allows you to thrive and flourish, ensuring that you can lean on yourself for support and fulfilment.

Learn to say: I’ll think about it

It is important to prioritise your own well-being and boundaries, especially if you have been conditioned by a narcissistic family system to please others at your own expense. Therefore, it is advisable to refrain from impulsively saying “yes” and instead take the time to consider your options. Saying “I’ll think about it” before making any decision is a valuable preventative measure. This allows you to create space for reflection and evaluation, ensuring that you make choices that align with your own needs and values rather than automatically prioritising others. By taking this approach, you can make more conscious and empowered decisions, avoiding potential regrets or compromising your own self-care.

Asking yourself: What is the absolute worst that can happen?

Asking yourself “what is the absolute worst that can happen?” and preparing a strategy to accept it can indeed be a helpful approach to reduce the impact of fears and improve your emotional well-being. And so what if you make a mistake? Remember that mistakes are a part of the human experience and do not define your capabilities as a whole. Everybody starts off as a fool. By facing your fears head-on and acknowledging the worst-case scenario, you gain a sense of clarity and control over your situation. Developing a plan to cope with the worst-case outcome helps to diminish the fear’s power and gives you confidence in your ability to handle challenging circumstances. This process allows you to approach situations with a more rational and resilient mindset, reducing anxiety and fostering emotional well-being.

Learn to become the observer of your emotions

Learning to become the observer of your emotions is a valuable practice when dealing with fear. Recognize that you are separate from your fears, and they do not define you. By adopting the role of an observer, you can step back and objectively witness your fear without being consumed by it. Take the time to acknowledge and name your fear, allowing yourself to fully experience it. Remember that feeling fear is a natural response when facing the unknown. By observing your emotions, you create space to process and understand them before making decisions. This practice empowers you to act from a place of mindfulness and clarity, rather than being driven solely by fear.

Mindfulness questions: Stepping out of the comfort zone

The comfort zone encompasses familiar behaviors, repetitive routines, and chosen actions that prevent us from encountering new experiences. It represents a collection of regular habits characterized by low stress, minimal anxiety, and a reluctance to take risks. Those who predominantly stick to their comfort zone often shy away from risks, resulting in limited opportunities for growth. Now, let’s reflect on the following questions to explore stepping outside your comfort zone:

How would you describe your comfort zone? What habits, routines, and behaviors do you typically follow to minimize encounters with the unknown?
Envision your ideal self beyond your comfort zone. What characteristics and achievements would define this version of yourself?
Compile a list of activities or pursuits you observe others doing, things that make you wish you could do too. Reflect on the feelings that come up as you make this list.
What do you fear?
Reflect on fear as a guide. Can you distinguish between legitimate concerns and self-imposed limitations?
Consider the risks associated with staying within your comfort zone. What potential opportunities or rewards might you be missing out on by avoiding challenging your fears?