Feeling guilty after going no contact with a narcissistic family system

Published on: February 1, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Trigger warning, this article has mentions of personal incidents with narcissistic abuse

Guilt can be a formidable and self-destructive obstacle for those of us who grew up in narcissistic family systems. Guilt kept many of us from leaving a toxic environment when we should have, and caused many of us to repeatedly relapse and return.

Guilt has led us scapegoats to falsely blame ourselves for circumstances that are not within our control. It led us to bear burdens that we weren’t capable of carrying, and that were never our responsibility to carry in the first place. It is a weapon used by narcissists to exert control, and it can be one of the greatest vulnerabilities for the scapegoat who grows up in such family dynamics. See a basic overview of the narcissistic family system

Guilt Manifestations

The feeling of guilt can manifest in various ways. Some people might feel heavy in their chest, stomach or throat, while others might feel tight or tense. Guilt can also make you feel tired or change how much you want to eat. It can make you feel bad about yourself, doubt yourself and feel sorry for something you did or didn’t do. You might also have negative thoughts like “I should have known better”, “I can’t believe I did that” or “I let everyone down”. Guilt can take up a lot of space in your mind and can make it hard to make room for other things.

Sometimes feeling a dose of guilt is healthy, and sometimes it is not.

Guilt can be a powerful tool for individuals to learn from their mistakes and take responsibility for their actions. Narcissistic individuals do not feel remorse for their bad behavior, as they believe their feelings and experiences are morally superior and that they are entitled to lash out at those closest to them. Unfortunately, their distorted view of themselves and their lack of guilt make it difficult for them to take accountability and make positive changes in their relationships. This absence of guilt compounds the problem, leaving little hope for improvement.

Feeling guilty can be a good teacher if it’s because of something you did that hurt someone else. This type of guilt can teach us to take responsibility for our actions and make things right.

However, it’s important to differentiate this healthy guilt from the toxic guilt that is imposed on the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, which is not based on reality, and is not helpful in any way.

For us scapegoats, such a distinction may be very difficult to make, because our narcissistic parent taught us that we cause harm when we set down boundaries, when we communicate our limits, when we attend to our needs, when we express emotions, feelings, and opinions that differ from theirs. The list of ways that a scapegoat is made to feel guilty in a narcissistic family system is endless, and the distinction between healthy guilt and toxic guilt becomes blurred.

Feeling guilty about going no contact with a narcissistic family system, or even for having negative feelings towards ones family of origin, can be overwhelming. The idea of loved ones ‘feeling betrayed’ by you is dreadful. You may also feel guilty about leaving behind enablers who despite enabling the narcissist have also shown you kindness (when the narcissist wasn’t in the room). Doubts may creep in, causing you to question if leaving the family system was the right decision, and whether you are the traitor they think you are.

It’s important to recognize that the feelings of guilt you experience are not based on reality, but are a result of manipulation and abuse from the narcissistic family system. To gain clarity, take a step back and observe the situation objectively without letting guilt cloud your judgment.

Upon closer examination, you’ll notice that the mentality of “one for all and all for one” takes precedence over any care or concern for your emotional well-being as an individual. The invalidation of your experiences, the minimizing of inappropriate behavior, and the unrealistic expectations of loyalty and devotion to someone who is the source of your pain and trauma are all part of the system that you were raised in.

Remember that when you decide to safeguard your mental health, you are not the traitor that they claim you are. You are simply taking steps to protect yourself from the harm that the narcissistic family system inflicts. It’s okay to prioritize your own well-being and to distance yourself from those who are not capable of showing you empathy and respect.

Their refusal to validate your struggles, and their use of guilt to keep you from leaving, has played a massive role in keeping you within the narcissist’s reach. The people that trigger your guilt are a part of a system that keeps the dysfunction going around and around. They are enablers. They have seen you hurt, yet they choose to deny your pain, and turn their eyes to appeasing the unappeasable narcissist instead.

They chose not to validate your struggles, because they, and the narcissist, are in the same team. They operate as one. You are not dealing with one person, you are dealing with a system that has been created to keep dysfunction going.

It is not healthy or normal for a family to require that everyone have the same relationship with one specific member, especially when that member is toxic. It is healthy to question why your loved ones cannot have a healthy relationship with you independent from the relationship with the narcissist. It is also healthy to question if they see the harm that this dynamic is causing you and if they hold the same empathy and regard for you as they do for the narcissist.

If we really put the health of these relationships into perspective, the reality is that some of the people that we desperately cling to will not speak to us if the narcissist doesn’t speak to us. And even if they would speak to us, it would only be to pass the messages, “worries”, and beliefs relayed to them by the narcissist. It is to draw us back into an unsafe situation. This is a clear sign that those people are unsafe for you.

It’s possible that the narcissist is forcing you to compete for the family’s loyalty, and this is a common tactic used by narcissist to maintain control over their family members.

In a healthy family, there is enough love, empathy and validation to go around, but in a narcissistic family system, family members must compete for these things. In a narcissistic family system, there are winners and losers; the chosen “devils” and the chosen “angels”. At the end of the day, hope can be a losing game for the scapegoat.

Beware of Toxic Self-Blame

Toxic self-blame is a pattern of thought in which an individual blames themselves for everything that goes wrong, even if they are not responsible for it. This pattern of thinking is often accompanied by feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy, and can have a damaging effect on a person’s mental health and well-being.

Words such as: “What is wrong with me? It’s all my fault. I don’t deserve to be forgiven for my mistakes. Maybe it’s true that no one could ever love me. Maybe I really am as horrible as they say I am. I’m no good” reflect the thought process of toxic self-blame. It is a cycle of negative self-talk that can be triggered by a variety of situations, such as making a mistake, being criticized, or experiencing failure.

When an individual engages in toxic self-blame, they often take on the blame and responsibility for things that are not their fault. This can lead to a constant feeling of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and a lack of confidence. It can also make the person more vulnerable to abusive relationships because they may believe that they deserve to be treated poorly.

To overcome toxic self-blame, it is important to challenge these negative thoughts and replace them with more positive and empowering ones. This can be done through therapy, self-reflection, and by practicing self-compassion. It is essential to understand that mistakes are a natural part of life and that no one is perfect. Taking responsibility for our actions and learning from our mistakes is healthy, but blaming ourselves for things that are beyond our control is not helpful or productive. See about toxic empathy

Recognizing Toxic Guilt Vs Healthy Guilt

The Source

Healthy guilt is typically a result of actions or behaviors that were genuinely harmful or hurtful to others, whereas toxic guilt is often imposed by others or is the result of internalized negative beliefs.

The Feeling

Healthy guilt is a feeling of remorse or regret that can motivate a person to make amends or change their behavior, while toxic guilt is a heavy, overwhelming feeling that can lead to feelings of worthlessness and self-criticism.

The Duration

Healthy guilt is usually short-lived and is resolved when the person takes appropriate action to make amends, while toxic guilt can linger and fester for long periods of time.

The Response

Healthy guilt often leads to taking responsibility and making amends, while toxic guilt can lead to procrastination, avoidance, or self-criticism. Toxic guilt doesn’t permit you to have limits.

The Perspective

Healthy guilt is often a reminder that one’s actions have consequences and it helps to develop empathy and consideration for others, whereas toxic guilt can lead to a distorted self-perception, where one sees oneself as inherently flawed or bad.

The Proportionality

Healthy guilt is a proportionate response to the action taken, whereas toxic guilt often leads to excessive self-blame and negative self-talk.

The Self-Compassion

Healthy guilt is often accompanied by self-compassion, where one is kind and understanding towards oneself, whereas toxic guilt is often accompanied by self-judgment and self-criticism.

Healthy Practices to Uphold

Recognize the Manipulation

Be mindful of the ways that the narcissistic family members may have manipulated you into feeling guilty. Try to identify the tactics they used, such as blaming, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation.

Challenge Family Beliefs

Challenge the beliefs that the family may have instilled in you, such as that you are the cause of the family’s problems or that you are responsible for their well-being. These beliefs are not true, and you are not responsible for the dysfunction of the family.

Understand That You Are Not Alone

Remind yourself that you are not alone in your experiences and that there are others who understand and can support you. Seek out support groups or therapy to connect with others who have gone through similar experiences.

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is crucial for your well-being. Not only with your narcissistic family system, but will all your future interactions.

Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Recognize that you have been through a lot and that you deserve to live your life in pace.

Let Go of the Things That You Can’t Control

Let go of the guilt that is not your own. You are not responsible for fixing or saving the family. You are not responsible for fixing and saving your friends. You are not responsible for fixing and saving your colleagues. You are responsible for honoring your limits.

See becoming aware of your negative programming with shadow work here

Published on: February 1, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach