Free Yourself From the False Hope that your Narcissistic Family System Will Ever Change For You

Published on: April 11, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Letting the Cards Fall Where They May

If you are the scapegoated child in your narcissistic family system, as challenging as it may be to acknowledge, clinging to hopes for change could potentially cause more harm than healing. This is because holding on to hope may lead you into repetitive cycles that offer no resolution.

The truth is, you alone cannot alter or mend the situation you’re entangled in. Suppressing your own needs and surpassing your traumas in a bid to gain your family’s affection is unlikely to bring about authentic change, especially if this pattern has persisted in your past.

The scapegoat plays an integral role in the dysfunctional family dynamic by diverting attention from the real issues at hand, and upon their return, the dysfunctional pattern will likely persist.

This is because the family operates as a group with a shared mentality that is considered the only way to live.

To effect genuine change, the family dynamics must be addressed as a whole, which is not something within your control.

Going no contact with a narcissistic parent is a difficult decision that is often made after years of enduring emotional abuse and manipulation. It is a way for the survivor to take control of their own life and protect themselves from further harm.

It is important to accept what you cannot change and make the decision that is best for your well-being. Letting go of unhealthy attachments that hold you back may initially feel wrong, but it is necessary for growth. When we have a deep emotional attachment, and we must let it go, it can feel like we must destroy a part of who we are. But holding onto pain won’t help relieve that pain.

Taking the time to process before you let go and move on is important. Articulating what happened, what you learned and how you changed, what you actually want to let go, and what it will look like for you when you do will help you let go the things that you can’t control.

Why Is It So Hard to Just Let Go

Future Thinking

Believing that you can’t be happy or you’ll be happy when a certain event or outcome occurs. This type of thinking can prevent a person from letting go of a situation because they are focused on the future and what they believe will make them happy, rather than accepting the present and working towards inner-peace and happiness.

Past Thinking

Attachment to how things should have been in the past. Holding onto past events and wishing they had turned out differently can prevent a person from letting go of a situation because they are focused on what could have been, rather than accepting what is and moving forward.

Fear of the Unknown

The fear of not knowing what the future holds can prevent a person from letting go of a situation because they feel a sense of security in the familiar, even if it is not healthy.

Fear of Rejection

The fear of being rejected or not accepted can prevent a person from letting go of a situation because they feel a sense of belonging and validation from the relationship or circumstance, even if it is not healthy.

Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem can prevent a person from letting go of a situation because they believe they are not worthy of better or that they don’t deserve to let go of the toxic relationship or circumstance.

Denial

Denying that a situation or relationship is not healthy can prevent a person from letting go because they cannot acknowledge the reality of the situation.

Lack of Closure

A lack of closure or understanding can prevent a person from letting go of a situation because they feel unresolved and unable to move on.

Guilt or Shame

Guilt or shame about a past event or decision can prevent a person from letting go of a situation because they feel responsible for what has happened and are unable to forgive themselves.

Need for Control

The need for control can prevent a person from letting go of a situation because they feel a sense of power and control in the familiar, even if it is not healthy.

Emotional Attachment

An emotional attachment to a person, place or thing can prevent a person from letting go of a situation because they feel a sense of connection and identity with it, even if it is not healthy.

Reflections

Take a moment to become mindful of the reasons why you may have difficulty letting go. Don’t try to fix them as they come up, just accept them as they surface.

You feel how you feel and taking the time to validate yourself is an important step in crossing over to the other side.

Be sure to practice mindfulness so that you may detect and catch the negative pulls that hold you back as they manifest. When you become aware of the monsters within, you can gain control over them.

The Things You Can’t Control

• Other people’s thoughts, feelings and actions: You do not have control over how other people think, feel or act.
• The past: You cannot change what has already happened.
• Natural disasters: You have no control over natural disasters such as earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, etc.
• The economy: You have no control over the economy or the financial decisions of others.
• The weather: You have no control over the weather, you can only prepare for it.
• Traffic: You have no control over traffic, you can only plan your route accordingly.
• Other people’s choices: You have no control over other people’s choices, even if they affect your life.
• Outcomes of events: You can control your actions, but not the outcome of events, for example, the outcome of setting your limits.
• Death: You have no control over when someone will die, including yourself.
• The passing of time: You have no control over the passing of time.
• Your physical needs: You have no control over needs such as hunger or thirst.
• Anything beyond your physical and mental limitations: You are limited in doing what you body and mind are capable of doing.
• You can’t suddenly start to fly.

The Things In Your Control

• The direction of your focus: You have the ability to control the focus of your thoughts.
• Your actions: You have the ability to choose your actions and behavior, and to make decisions about how you will live your life.
• Your attitude: You have the ability to choose your attitude and perspective, and to decide how you will approach challenges and setbacks.
• Your goals and aspirations: You have the ability to set your own goals and aspirations, and to take steps towards achieving them.
• Your self-care: You have the ability to take care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
• Your communication: You have the ability to choose how you communicate with others and to decide what you will share with them.
• Your relationships: You have the ability to choose who you spend your time with and to decide what kind of relationships you want to have.
• Your environment: You have the ability to create an environment that supports your well-being and helps you to reach your goals.

Living a life that is true to oneself is not always easy, as it often involves letting go of things that are beyond our control. However, it is important to trust in oneself and one’s abilities, and to believe that it is possible to create a life that aligns with our values and goals.

One of the challenges of this process is that it may involve venturing into the unknown. While this can be scary, it is also an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. It is important to have the courage to take a leap of faith and follow one’s heart, even when the path ahead is uncertain.

Breaking free from a toxic environment is difficult, but remember that you are worth fighting for.

When we begin to believe in ourselves and our ability to create a better life for ourselves, we shift our focus toward controlling our own happiness and fulfillment and away from controlling other people’s choices, actions and behaviors. Keep moving forward, focus on yourself, and do not to let anyone dull or dim your light.

You cannot control everything that happens to you; you can only control the way you respond to what happens. In your response is your power.

Published on: April 11, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach