Healing Isolation: Building Relationships Post-Narcissistic Family Dynamics
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Growing up scapegoated by a parent, and enduring the profound trauma and betrayal of being raised in a family that chose to normalize dysfunction and instead opted to look the other way, I spent many years avoiding forming friendships and isolating myself. It felt as though I could detect narcissistic traits in every person I met.
This reaction is common among trauma survivors who come from dysfunctional homes and have experienced being the family scapegoat.
The culture of the narcissistic family system shapes the scapegoat’s view of people and the world. Narcissistic family systems operate much like a cult. A person driven by narcissism creates a metaphorical bubble, resembling a cult-like environment, where they wield immense influence. Within this bubble, the narcissist’s targets and unwitting supporters are drawn in. Like a cult, this environment is marked by the narcissist’s manipulative control, where their desires, unrealistic expectations, self-created perpetual conflicts, and agenda take precedence. Nonconformity within this environment carries heavy consequences, such as the withdrawal of love and discard, which is devastating for a child.
In the scapegoating phenomenon, entire families can choose to ignore the destructive behavior of an emotionally dysregulated central figure and instead opt for the easiest route: normalizing it to avoid dealing with it. The family motto becomes, “If we don’t look at the problem, it doesn’t exist.” Those who enable narcissistic abuse often label it as “normal,” “understandable,” and just a part of the family culture.
The trauma of this type of upbringing may cause many survivors to inadvertently think of narcissism as an all-or-nothing trait in a desperate need to protect themselves from further harm as this is the culture that has surrounded them from infancy.
The problem becomes that scapegoats will then commonly isolate themselves and become unable to break these cycles of isolation due to the family culture that has shaped their belief about people and the world.
The path to healing for a survivor is to step outside of the cult-like metaphorical ‘bubble’ created by their family and look for connections outside and beyond what they have ever known, which is in itself a terrifying thing to have to do when one has never experienced “normality” so to speak..
To break free from this isolation, establish a sense of safety, and move towards a healthier life, it’s important to become mindful of the degrees that make up the wide spectrum ranging from narcissism at one extreme to people-pleasing and codependency at the other. This conversation is essential for addressing the issue of self-isolation after surviving a narcissistic family system.
The “Spectrum” Perspective
Taking the initial step toward breaking out of isolation involves becoming self-aware of potential problematic thought patterns ingrained by normalized dysfunction, such as black-and-white thinking—a mentality of all or nothing.
While I recognize that there came a point where scapegoated survivors had to resort to black-and-white thinking as a means of protecting themselves from the manipulation tactics inflicted by the narcissistic figure dominating their childhoods and lives, allowing this survival mindset to persist while attempting to integrate into the wider world can hinder the healing journey in the long run, predisposing the survivor to self-sabotage as it did for me.
Therefore, I encourage anyone who has gone through this, to consider learning to view the world through a lens of degrees and shades of gray.
At one extreme of the spectrum, there’s narcissism, where individuals only acknowledge your existence if you serve them or possess something they desire. They resort to exploiting others for control or power, seeking reactions to bolster their sense of self-worth. They employ invisible weapons such as playing with one’s fears, toxic guilt, toxic shame, and instilling a false sense of responsibility within their targets to maintain their position of power, avoid accountability, and resist personal development. This is the extreme where you find those who genuinely believe that the world owes them everything while they feel entitled to give give back only what pleases them to give back.
On the opposite end, there are super people-pleasers who go to great lengths to please others, often at the expense of their own well-being and personal boundaries. They prioritize the needs and desires of others above their own, feeling a deep-seated compulsion to constantly meet the expectations and demands of those around them. This relentless drive to please others can lead to a pervasive sense of inadequacy and self-neglect. Ultimately, they may feel like their lives hold no value unless they are serving others, perpetuating a cycle of codependency where their sense of self-worth is contingent upon the approval and validation of others.
While these are the two extremes, most people fall somewhere near the middle of this spectrum, occasionally leaning towards one side or the other. Sometimes they may lean towards self-preservation, prioritizing their own needs and boundaries, while at other times they may lean towards generosity and selflessness, prioritizing the needs of others. However, leaning to a certain degree on either side doesn’t automatically imply they are narcissists or abusers, nor does it suggest they are self-erasing. It’s a natural fluctuation of human behavior and emotions.
Either way, leaning towards one end of the spectrum or the other doesn’t necessarily mean that they will progress further along the spectrum. This is where the real work needs to be done—to allow for normal human degrees of behavior and emotion, while also recognizing if the scale begins to tip too far out of balance.
Coming from a dysfunctional background, noticing someone tipping towards either extreme ever so slightly may evoke a protective response, fearing a recurrence of past abuse or neglect. However, it’s important to become self-aware and recognize that we too can have leeway to tip on either side of this scale, and likely have done so in the past.
The Essential Degrees of Selfishness
Degrees of “selfishness” are essential for self-love, self-preservation, and overall health. Each person must possess some degree of self-centeredness to protect and care for themselves.
Prioritizing one’s own self-preservation, especially in the face of emotionally, physically, and psychologically depleting situations, may have been criticized or labeled as selfish within a scapegoat’s upbringing by individuals who did not understand or acknowledge the harm caused by a parent who was driven by narcissism. What scapegoats were told was “normal” and expected often constituted significant boundary violations that have become normalized within families, teaching the scapegoat that asserting boundaries leads to abandonment and makes them selfish or even narcissistic—labels that scapegoats who finally learn to stand up for themselves are subjected to without fail.
And yet, in the healthy world, recognizing that it is essential to have degrees of selfishness is imperative for living a healthy and fulfilling life.
Failure to recognize the importance of prioritizing oneself or to acknowledge the need for nurturing these traits in oneself can make breaking out of isolation feel insurmountable because relationships become sources of energy depletion and exhaustion. On the other hand, failure to recognize that expecting perfection and not giving people a leeway for mistakes, or flaws to exist will also lead to self sabotage and isolation.
Prioritizing loving ourselves, while at the same time accepting our own imperfections, will aid in maintaining healthy relationships. It also helps us accept that others won’t be perfect either.
Learning to work with degrees
When working on breaking the isolation, instead of utilizing the black-and-white all-or-nothing mindset, I invite you to instead categorize your new relationships into different safety zones.
- Observation Zone: This zone comprises acquaintances, strangers, or individuals you may see regularly in group activities, but you’re not actively friends with them. In this zone, personal details are not shared, and interactions are limited to trivial professional small talk. It’s about observing without oversharing or overcommitting.
- Evaluation Zone: The evaluation zone is where curiosity about a person arises. You inquire about them and assess if there’s potential for a deeper connection. You may invite them a little closer, but without revealing all your secrets or fully trusting them yet.
- Trust Zone: This zone is reserved for people who have consistently shown trustworthy behavior. They don’t have to be perfect, but their actions are reliable, and you feel comfortable developing closeness with them because they’ve demonstrated their patterns and proven not to be harmful.
The evaluation zone typically lasts for at least a couple of months, maybe even a year or two. This is because healthy relationships develop slowly over time. This is where the real work happens and where triggers may arise on either side. It’s important to remember that everyone has imperfections, so encountering triggers is a normal part of the process.
If you start noticing the scale tipping in a relationship, the instinct might be to immediately discard the person. However, unless there are blatant signs of disrespect or excessive attention that raises red flags, such as verbal insults or idealization after just one day of knowing you, you don’t have to fully cut them off. Instead, you can move them back to the evaluation zone and continue observing them, while remaining courteous.
Example:
I can share an example of this concept with a person who eventually became a close friend of mine. We had a common activity, so I saw them on a weekly basis, and we occasionally chit-chatted. Initially, certain mannerisms of theirs made me feel like they disliked me. I had deduced that this person was cold and unfriendly, even thinking they were constantly judging and disliking me. When we exchanged text messages related to the activity we were both part of, their responses were so minimalistic that I truly believed they were communicating with me out of obligation, with no potential friendship in sight. I have concluded that this was not a safe person for me, and nothing would ever come out of having interactions with them.
The old me wouldn’t have given it a second thought and would have dismissed any potential connection quicker than lightning, by discarding then entirely.
However, I decided not to immediately dismiss them but instead put them back into what I call the “observation zone.” In this zone, I maintained a courteous and professional demeanor, simply refraining from becoming emotionally involved. Over time, through observation, I realized that this person was actually extremely introverted and eventually even learned that they isolated due to personal struggles. This realization came after months of observation, small chit chat and maintaining a professional demeanor. I also discovered that they were actually incredibly stable as a person, with some refreshing qualities. Despite not being very talkative, they always kept their word and showed up when they said they would. I slowly discovered many qualities I wouldn’t have discovered if I hadn’t given them a chance in the observation zone and if i would have permitted for my black and white thinking to prevail. This process took a long time, and yes, healthy friendships develop slowly over time. I can tell you that this person is now one of my closest friends.
The tendency, especially when we’ve experienced trauma, is to categorize people as either being with us or against us, without considering the gray area in between. But embracing this gray zone is beneficial because it allows us to make more informed decisions about the people in our lives.
Using the observation zone has significant benefits. If you realize that someone is toxic and you don’t want to let them in, maintaining professionalism and emotional detachment when interacting with them can protect you. It also reflects positively on you.
A Final Word
We inhabit this body. We’re responsible for preserving ourselves and maintaining our health, both emotionally and mentally. It’s impossible to navigate the aftermath of the dysfunction our families created if we continue to believe we’re unlovable or unworthy of self-preservation and self-empathy. It also becomes impossible to break out of isolation if we put everyone in the bucket of either dysfunctional vs perfect. These two states only represent the extremes, which where very much a part of our experiences growing up, however they are not representative of the wide range of nuances that exist far and wide in between.
The middle ground is where balance resides, and it’s where I invite you to join me.
To truly love and trust yourself, a degree of selfishness is necessary. By prioritizing ourselves, we can also extend understanding to the people we meet. Not everyone will be good for us, but that doesn’t mean we won’t encounter those who are. Recognize that this middle zone is the healthiest place for you and for the healthy relationships you’ll cultivate.
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THE CONTENTS OF THIS WEBSITE ARE NOT MEANT TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP AND COUNSELING. THE READERS ARE DISCOURAGED FROM USING IT FOR DIAGNOSTIC OR THERAPEUTIC ENDS. THE DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER CAN ONLY BE DONE BY PROFESSIONALS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED AND QUALIFIED TO DO SO. THE AUTHOR IS NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.