How do I control my emotions after surviving a narcissistic family system

Published on: June 22, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Growing up in a narcissistic family environment can make it challenging for survivors to disconnect from a constant state of defense and reactivity. Learning to understand and control one’s emotions may feel like a whole new mountain to climb.

Your upbringing may have made it difficult for you to recognize and express your feelings, as well as to calm yourself down when you’re feeling upset. The inability to process your emotions can also leave you feeling confused, frustrated, and like you lack control over your actions.

It’s possible that you are still operating under survival mode.

However, there is a way to understand and make sense of your feelings. By learning about how your emotions are processed, how triggers work, and how feelings work, you can regain control over your reactions and regain a sense of balance.

Emotions

Emotions are a natural and normal part of being human. They provide valuable information about what is good, what is bad and what is dangerous. They are designed to alert us to immediate dangers or rewards and are a primitive instinct that exists within us for the purpose of our survival. Emotions manifest physically, and can be detected or measured. For example, when you experience an emotion, you may get a high heartbeat, you may sweat, your blood pressure will rise, and you may shake.

Feeling fear when encountering a pack of wolves while taking a walk alone in the forest is useful. In this example, fear alerts us to an immediate danger. Fear makes sense and is doing what it’s supposed to do.

Feeling disgust when being forced to interact with a person who is the source of your pain and trauma also makes sense. Disgust is essentially telling you: Toxic person alert. Do not go near. Your body is giving you a warning.

Dr. Paul Ekman’s Model of Universal Emotions

The emotions that are universally recognized across cultures: anger, fear, joy, contempt, disgust, sadness and surprise.

The Universal Emotions

Anger

This emotion is characterized by feelings of frustration, irritability, and aggression. It may be triggered by a perceived threat, injustice, or when you are blocked from doing something. The associated behavior may include assertiveness, confrontation, and the desire to take action.

Fear

This emotion is characterized by feelings of anxiety, nervousness, and apprehension. It may be triggered by a perceived danger or threat, and the associated behavior may include fleeing, hiding, or freezing.

Joy

This emotion is characterized by feelings of happiness, contentment, and pleasure. It may be triggered by positive experiences or events, and the associated behavior may include smiling, laughing, and expressing excitement.

Contempt

This emotion is characterized by disdain, superiority, and disgust. It may be triggered by behaviors or actions that are perceived as beneath one’s own standards, and the associated behavior may include eye-rolling, sneering, and a dismissive attitude.

Disgust

This emotion is characterized by feelings of revulsion, distaste, and abhorrence. It may be triggered by something that is perceived as dirty, vile, or dangerous, and the associated behavior may include wrinkling the nose, gagging, and avoiding contact.

Sadness

This emotion is characterized by feelings of sorrow, disappointment, and despair. It may be triggered by loss, rejection, or disappointment, and the associated behavior may include crying, withdrawing, and seeking comfort.

Surprise

Surprise is an emotion characterized by a sudden and unexpected reaction to a stimulus or event. It occurs when something unexpected or different from what was anticipated happens. Surprise involves a momentary interruption of our usual cognitive processing. Our attention becomes focused on the surprising event or information, causing a temporary shift in thoughts and mental state.

We Can’t Not Feel Emotions. That Is Not Possible. We Must Learn to Work with Them.

Emotions can be powerful and can drive us to act impulsively. Because of this, they can also hinder our ability to focus on long-term solutions that require careful processing and consideration of various sources of information. For example, you may feel angry at a boss for giving you extra work on a Friday afternoon, but if you act on that emotion and express your anger in the heat of the moment, it could lead to negative consequences such as getting fired for disrespecting an authority figure. In this case, it may be better to let the emotion pass and instead work on a long-term plan, such as finding a better job or organizing a meeting to address the issues.

Furthermore, it is possible that after gathering all the facts, you may have found out that the boss’s wife was in the hospital, and out of all the employees, the big boss trusted you the most to get the job done. While your anger zoomed in on your inability to leave work at a decent time on Friday night, it did not have all the information needed to see the situation as a whole. Acting on your anger would not only have cost you your job, but also would have damaged your professional reputation.

In the heat of the moment, our emotions may not allow us to see that there are other ways of solving problems or that there are other factors unknown to us at play. It is important for us to learn to control our impulses and ask questions first in order to gain full clarity of a situation. We are always responsible for our actions, and our actions always have consequences as they affect the world around us. Clear communication is crucial, and it is always our responsibility to try and understand what it is that we are dealing with before choosing how we will react to it.

Think of emotions as if they were like little storms inside our head that can make it hard to think straight.

You may find yourself in many situations where you must allow for these little storm to pass before taking an action, so that you may see the bigger picture under a clear blue sky.

Our emotions can also misinterpret a situation, such as feeling fear when watching a horror movie or being happy around someone who is not good for us. We can feel fear even though we are physically safe in a movie theater. We can feel joy when we receive a text from a person who has ghosted us for a week.

Making decisions while overwhelmed by emotions can hinder our ability to perceive a situation objectively. Emotions, much like animal instincts, are not necessarily rational and can lead to impulsive reactions such as the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.

While these responses are necessary when we find ourselves in a situation that requires a quick and immediate action, they may not be appropriate when we need to ensure that the decisions we make align with our best interests. It is wise to learn to take a step back, let the initial surge pass, ensure that the message sent by our emotions is correct (not a trigger), and that the information we have is complete before taking any action.

When Emotions Get Stuck

Sometimes, you may find yourself feeling angry, sad or anxious and not know why. It’s like a puzzle with too many pieces, and you can’t figure out how it all fits together to make a whole picture.

Emotions are physical sensations that can become trapped in our bodies when not processed correctly. They can manifest in inappropriate ways and may be directed towards the wrong people or situations, as a result of past traumas or unresolved experiences. Unprocessed emotions want to be acknowledged and understood, and if they are not, they may erupt in ways that are not productive or healthy.

Chain Reactions

Emotions that are not properly processed can lead to a phenomenon known as projection, where one’s internal state is projected onto their external environment. This means that the emotions you are feeling can affect how you perceive the people and things around you. For example, on a bad day, a beautiful painting may suddenly appear ugly and you may feel the urge to tear it down. A sweet child that you love dearly may suddenly feel as an annoying brat. A caring spouse may suddenly feel like a stranger who never makes an effort to understand you. This type of projection can affect your behavior and actions, which in turn can hurt the people in your life. These people, just as the painting, have not changed, it is your projections that have distorted your perception of them.

On a bad day, you may become easily irritated by small things, have a shorter temper and be more prone to negative thoughts and feelings. On the other hand, when you feel good emotionally, you tend to have a more positive outlook, be more patient and understanding, and generally have better interactions with others.

It is important to acknowledge that when experiencing intense emotions, it can feel as though they are completely valid and true. Emotions can be powerful and overwhelming, making it difficult to question their veracity. However, emotions can be triggered by past experiences or memories, and may not always be rooted in the current situation or person at hand. While the emotions that you feel are valid, the person or situation that they are targeting may be incorrect. Learn about triggers here

This is why you must understand the underlying causes of your emotions, no matter how powerful they may feel, before acting on them. Ask yourself, do you really hate your spouse for leaving a dirty dish in the sink? Everything good that has ever come from the marriage is destroyed because of a plate? Is that rational? Or is there something else at play here?

Also, sometimes the difficulty in appeasing our chaotic inner worlds, may lead us to doing things that aren’t good for us as a means to self-soothe.

The struggles you face are not a reflection of your personal weakness or failure, but rather a result of a traumatic and invalidating environment. It is important to remember that what has happened to you is not your fault. However, if you wish to break the cycle, prevent history from repeating itself, and put an end to the passing down of your family’s generational trauma, it is crucial to gain a deeper understanding of your inner world. Learn about shadow work here

This process involves unraveling the contents of your mind. Remember, even if your actions were a result of an intense emotional state, they still have consequences and it’s important to take responsibility for them. Nobody can read our thoughts. Carl Jung is famously quoted as saying “You are what you do, not what you say you do.” This statement emphasizes the importance of actions over words. It suggests that what we do is a better indicator of who we are than what we say or claim to be.

Processing Emotions

Recognize the Emotion

The first step in processing an emotion is to recognize what you are feeling. Take a moment to identify the emotion and give it a name, such as anger, sadness, or fear.

Allow Yourself to Feel the Emotion

It is important to allow yourself to feel the emotion, rather than trying to suppress it or push it away. This may involve taking deep breaths, and allowing yourself to feel the physical sensations associated with the emotion.

Reflect on the Cause of the Emotion

Pay attention to the now. If you feel fear, ask yourself is your life in danger at the moment? Or does the fear come from something deep within you? If you feel anger, ask yourself is it proportionate to the situation at hand? Or should you let it pass before you do or say anything? If you feel joy around a new encounter, ask yourself, is the person before you truly safe for you? Should you take it slow and get to know them better before revealing everything about yourself? Try to understand what triggered the emotion. Reflect on the events or thoughts that led to the feeling. This can help you understand why you’re feeling the way you do and what’s behind the emotion.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment and observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This can help you gain perspective on the emotion and see it for what it is, rather than getting caught up in it.

Express the Emotion

It is important to express your emotions in a healthy way. Name what you feel, talk about it, write about it, draw it out, call a friend etc. You can also let emotions out of your system through physical activities such as running, dancing or punching the hell out of a punching bag at the gym. Do whatever it takes, but find a way to process what you are feeling healthily.

Feelings

Feelings are more complex and nuanced than emotions. They are influenced by a person’s thoughts, beliefs, and memories. Feelings are long-lasting, and they can change over time. While emotions are an automatic response, feelings are the conscious experience of that response.

Feelings can be changed because our beliefs can change. For example, if we hold a belief that someone is bad for us, we may resent them. However, after practicing clear communication, we may change our beliefs and therefore our feelings towards that person may change as well. Once we clear a misunderstanding, we may begin to like a person that we previously disliked. We may fall out of love when we start to believe that a person is no longer good for us. We may stop feeling guilt and shame when we realize that what happened to us wasn’t our fault. We may stop feeling inadequate in social situations when we gain self-esteem.

Recognizing Feelings Vs Emotions

• Emotions are often intense and short-lived, while feelings are more complex, nuanced, and are long-lasting.
• Emotions are automatic and instinctual, while feelings are influenced by a person’s thoughts, beliefs, and memories.
• Emotions are physical and can be measured. Feelings are more of a mental process.
• Emotions are typically easier to identify because they are more intense and immediate, while feelings may be more subtle and take longer to recognize.
• Emotions are often described with words such as happy, sad, angry, etc, while feelings can be more complex and harder to name.
• Emotions are felt first, feelings are felt second.

A Story to Illustrate the Difference Between Feelings and Emotions

As you take a leisurely stroll through the forest, you unexpectedly come across a wild wolf. Your heart starts pounding and your body reacts on its own accord, causing you to scream and flee to safety. This is the natural response of fear to a perceived threat. Reflecting on the encounter later, you realize that the experience has left you with a dislike for wolves. Your feeling is based on the perception of your emotional response.

A week later, you have the opportunity to visit a wolf exhibit at a zoo. As you listen to a lecture about the importance of preserving wolves in their natural habitat, your perspective begins to shift and you gain a deeper understanding of these creatures. Despite this newfound knowledge, you still feel a sense of apprehension. The lecturer invites the audience to come closer and meet a tamed wolf. Your curiosity gets the better of you and you decide to take the opportunity. This decision is influenced by your previous experience, your memories and your newfound knowledge. As you approach the enclosure, the physical sensations of fear return - your heart races and your palms sweat. Fear is an automatic response, but you choose to push past it and pet the tamed wolf. As you make contact with the wolf, the fear dissipates and you realize that your feelings towards tamed wolves have changed. You now like them. Your feelings have evolved.

Emotions and feelings are closely intertwined, but they are distinct. Emotions are a natural response to a situation while feelings are the result of our thoughts and perceptions about it. The story of your encounter with wolves illustrates this, as your initial fear turned into a dislike of wolves and later evolved into a liking of tamed wolves, all through the process of reflection and gaining new knowledge.

Published on: June 22, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach