How Do I Know That I Am Dealing With a Covert Narcissist

Published on: April 10, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Typically, when one thinks of a narcissist, the image of a grandiose superstar demanding attention from their fans, treating waiters and waitresses as personal servants, and making other ostentatious displays of their superiority comes to mind. However, narcissism isn’t always this obvious. In fact, quite often it can be done covertly and in more subtle ways which are just as damaging to an unsuspecting victim.

Covert narcissism is not typically displayed through obvious acts of arrogance and entitlement. Instead, it is often characterized by more subtle manipulative behaviors such as soul-crushing conditional love, guilt-tripping, passive-aggressive behavior, and playing the victim. Covert narcissists may use these tactics to control and manipulate those around them, and will also employ more insidious tactics like gaslighting and triangulation to achieve their desired outcomes.

Because covert narcissists are often skilled at hiding their true nature, it can be difficult to recognize their behavior for what it is. They often present themselves as caring and empathetic individuals on the surface, but underneath this caring and empathic act, lives a chronic malcontent, who excels at triggering people’s pity and at manipulating the truth to shift blame. Behind the veneer of perfection lies a person with a sense of entitlement, harboring feelings of grandiosity, resentment, and chronic dissatisfaction. This person believes they have the right to release their pent-up frustrations in private, often directing their anger towards those closest to them.

They manipulate and distort the facts of any situation to make it appear as though they are the ones who have been wronged, even if they are the ones who instigated a fight or falsely accused a person of an imagined transgression. They weaponize victimhood to evade accountability for their actions and will justify their boundary-crossing behaviors under a mask of “worrying” and “care”.

Children of covert vulnerable narcissists who are designated as the scapegoat often face rejection and hostility when they seek emotional support or assistance from such parents. The narcissist may label the child’s reasonable requests for attention or encouragement as “unreasonable, exhausting, and abnormal,” further ostracizing them from the family. As a result, these children may grow up feeling emotionally neglected and deprived of their basic emotional needs. See more about narcissistic family systems here

These manipulators will often exaggerate the sacrifices they make and portray themselves as martyrs. However, in reality, they may simply be fulfilling their basic obligations as parents. In return for the supposed privilege of having such a “selfless” parent, the child, who never asked to be born, is expected to cater to the unmet needs of their parent and is conditioned to feel shame and guilt when they fail to do so.

Deflecting Responsibility

The term “DARVO” was coined by Jennifer Freyd, a psychologist and researcher in the field of interpersonal violence. The DARVO method is a common strategy used by perpetrators of abuse to deflect responsibility and avoid accountability. It is a pattern that often goes as follows:

• Deny: The perpetrator denies their actions, sometimes claiming they never happened or that the victim remembers them incorrectly. They may deny responsibility even when presented with evidence. For example, if the victim confronts the perpetrator about physically assaulting them, the perpetrator may say “I never hit you, you’re just making things up.”
• Attack: The perpetrator attacks their victim in various ways, such as blaming them for the situation, gaslighting them by making them doubt their own memory or perception of events, minimizing or invalidating their experiences, or even using threats and intimidation to control them. For example, the perpetrator may say “You’re overreacting, it’s not a big deal” when the victim tries to express their hurt feelings or fear. They may also threaten to reveal secrets or harm the victim or their loved ones if they speak out.
• Reverse: After dominating their victim, the perpetrator may try to reverse the roles, portraying themselves as the victim and the victim as the problem. They may play the victim by claiming that the victim’s actions or reactions caused them to act in a certain way. For example, the perpetrator may say “You made me do it, you pushed me too far” when confronted about their abusive behavior.
• Victim: The perpetrator may manipulate their victim by portraying themselves as the victim and using the victim’s reactions to their attacks against them. They may twist everything the victim says, even though the perpetrator initiated the conflict. For example, the perpetrator may say “Look at what you’re doing to me, you’re hurting me with your accusations” when the victim tries to assert their boundaries or speak up about the abuse.
• Offender: Finally, the victim is portrayed as the offender by the perpetrator. They may blame the victim for the abuse, saying that they provoked or deserved it. For example, the perpetrator may say “You’re the one with the problem, you’re too sensitive and can’t handle things” when the victim tries to hold them accountable for their actions. This further reinforces the power dynamic and silences the victim’s attempts to seek help or support.

The Masks They Wear

A covert narcissist is skilled at shapeshifting and can adeptly wear different masks for different people and situations. They may have a mask for the outside world, a mask for their spouse, a mask for their favorite child, a mask for the scapegoat, and even a mask for distant relatives and family friends. Their ultimate goal is always to manipulate others into perceiving them in a specific way, regardless of whether or not it aligns with their true character.

Narcissists often project a friendly and charming demeanor towards individuals they perceive as non-threatening to their self-image or when they seek something from them. However, their true nature is unveiled to those designated as emotional dumping grounds, individuals easily used to shift blame and divert attention from their own shortcomings and unresolved issues.

This sudden shift in behavior can be highly confusing and disorienting. They can quickly switch from being charming to badmouthing family friends as soon as they leave the house, making racist, homophobic, and misogynistic comments, pulling out the superior-inferior cards, and becoming extremely judgmental. They may criticize their children’s spouses, their children’s children, release their frustrations onto those closest to them, hold grudges, withhold love, punish with silent treatments or physical violence, and exhibit a whole range of other toxic behaviors.

What’s that? Someone’s at the door?" As soon as the doorbell rings, the switch in persona is nearly instantaneous. Like actors in a theater, those skilled in maintaining a façade quickly shift the mask of anger and frustration behind their head and bring forward the mask of the happy and loving parent, hiding any trace of negativity or hostility. This display highlights the chameleon-like nature of these individuals, who seamlessly switch between roles and personalities to suit the situation and audience.

Covert Narcissistic Parenting and the Scapegoat

After having carefully crafted the perfect image in public, it becomes too easy for the narcissistic parent to claim victimhood when the child who grows up, has reached their limits and no longer wants a relationship with them.

The trauma of a toxic relationship truly takes its toll when the scapegoat, who has endured all the abuse at home, is labeled as the “bad guy.” The true victims of this type of abuse often become completely isolated due to the narcissist’s skillful use of masks. Moreover, explaining the insidious nature of covert narcissism to those who haven’t experienced it can be draining. To outsiders, it may seem like just one drop of water, and they may encourage the scapegoat to simply “get over it.” However, they fail to grasp that this one drop has been falling in the same spot, steadily eroding away at the person’s sense of self-worth, leaving a deep and lasting scar that only grows worse with time.

The narcissist’s ultimate goal is to maintain their sense of superiority and control over others, even if it means destroying the life of their own child. They will stop at nothing to protect their image and avoid accountability for their abusive behavior.

Covert narcissists justify their abusive behavior by believing that their life experiences give them the right to mistreat others, and they do not see their actions as abusive because they always have “a reason” for their behavior.

Beware of Their Narcissistic “Concern”

• The covert vulnerable narcissist may use their supposed care and concern for others as a means of manipulation and control. They may offer to assist someone with a task or problem, but then use this as an opportunity to control the situation and make the person feel guilty if they don’t comply with their rules or demands. They may say things like “Fine! If this is how you want to treat my help…”
• They may use their supposed care and concern as a way to control and manipulate others by invading their privacy and dictating their actions. For example, they may insist on knowing someone’s whereabouts at all times, invade a family member’s privacy by going through their belongings, or monitoring their phone and social media activity, claiming that it is for their own safety and well-being, yet it is only a way for them to exert control over the person’s life.
• They may become envious or resentful when others are happy, and may actively try to sabotage or undermine their happiness, rather than allowing them to enjoy their own success or well-being. They may also try to make others feel guilty for being happy, or may dismiss or downplay the importance of their achievements or positive experiences.
• They may use their care and concern to pressure people into doing things they don’t want to do. For example, they may insist that someone attend an event or make a commitment despite such a commitment making the other person feel uncomfortable, claiming that they will be hurt or betrayed if they don’t comply. They may say something like, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me…” This type of manipulation makes the other person feel guilty and obligated to comply with the narcissist’s demands, even if it goes against their own needs and limits.
• They may use their health status to manipulate people, often by claiming to have illnesses such as heart conditions or cancer, in order to receive attention and validation. This behavior serves to deflect accountability for their own actions, draw attention away from those who actually require support and care, and avoid taking responsibility for their own lives. Their claims of poor health is conveniently used when they want something, so that they may continue to be served by those closest to them without ever doing the work themselves. Furthermore, they may use these excuses to avoid fulfilling parental responsibilities, such as providing guidance or help to their children, and may even guilt-trip their loved ones by claiming that their “demands” are causing them to suffer. When victims attempt to go no-contact, the narcissist may use their supposed health issues as a ploy to draw them back into the toxic relationship cycle. Their health “issues” are weaponized so that they may further comfortably settle in the victimhood role.
• They may use their supposed care and concern as a way to justify taking control of someone else’s finances, insisting that they know better how to manage it and that it is for the person’s own good. They may also use guilt-tripping tactics, such as claiming that they sacrificed their own finances to help the other person, to justify taking control of the other person’s money. “I’ve always been the one to take care of the finances, you don’t know anything about it. If it weren’t for me, you’d be in debt.”
• They may force their care onto others, using tactics such as guilt-trips and shame if their help isn’t accepted. Once they have succeeded in their manipulations, they then weaponize their care to control the other person. They will seek supply by antagonizing the people that they have cared for, positioning themselves as the caring victim while painting the other person as a terrible human being. They use their “caring” behavior to demand absolute worship, justify their own bad behavior, and shirk responsibility for their toxic actions. For example, a covert narcissistic parent may engage in verbal abuse or give their child the silent treatment after making them a meal, then twist reality to make it appear as though the child is ungrateful for all the care they have received, instead of acknowledging the harm they cause with their abusive punishments.
• They may use their care and concern as a way to isolate others from their support systems. For example, they may discourage someone from spending time with friends or family, or discourage them from seeking professional help, claiming that they are the only one who truly cares and understands them.
• They may use their supposed “worrying claims” as a way to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and to justify their boundary-crossing behaviors and constant violations. They may manipulate and distort the facts of any situation to make it appear as though they are the ones who have been wronged, even if they were the ones who started the argument or falsely accused someone of something that did not happen. While they use their “worrying claims” to manipulate the people around them, they will never show genuine kindness behind closed doors towards the scapegoat whom they claim they worry about so much. Instead, they will routinely abuse them, discard them, draw them back with guilt, and always claim victimhood while the cycle of abuse goes on and on.
• They may use their care and concern as a way to emotionally blackmail others. For example, they may threaten to harm themselves or withdraw their care and support if someone does not comply with their demands.
• They may redirect conversations to focus on their own needs and emotions, rather than remaining focused on the topic at hand or showing empathy and concern for someone who may be experiencing distress and who may be in need of a listening ear. Furthermore if their child is in distress, they will turn it around, and claim that the child’s distress is causing them harm. At the end of the day, no one is permitted to suffer when they face hardships, except for the narcissist.
• They will exaggerate their sacrifices and claim martyrdoms, when in fact their sacrifices where simple parental duties and obligations which come with the territory of parenting.

Published on: April 10, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach