How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship?

Published on: February 25, 2024

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship?

Here is the mind-boggling aspect of toxic relationships: they don’t always feel bad. In fact, they may often begin passionately, with amazing tender and magical moments that make us feel like we are on top of the world. A romantic walk on the beach, that magical first kiss on the dance floor, the all-nighter just talking and connecting, sitting in that 24-hour deli… When something feels so good, so magical, and so perfect, we don’t want it to end, and we will do anything to hold on to that magic and never let it go. This is precisely how the trauma bond settles in abusive relationships, as the victim desperately clings to the love presented so tenderly and passionately from the very beginning. And as the relationship slowly descends into chaos, the image of who that person presented themselves to be overrides who that person really is.

Toxic relationships with narcissistic individuals typically go through cycles, and those cycles go in loops, round and around. The idealization phase, the devaluation phase, the rejection phase, and the hoovering phase.

Let’s examine each phase more closely.

The Idealization Phase

The idealization phase feels like a dream come true.

Suddenly, you find yourself at the center of someone else’s universe. It’s as if they have elevated you onto a pedestal, making you feel extraordinarily special. The message they convey is clear – there is no one else on their mind but you. The “getting to know each other” phase unfolds rapidly, and it carries an intensity that feels passionate and euphoric. 

Healthy relationships move slow, and take time to develop, while toxic relationships often start very quickly.

Here are the main aspects that you will find occurring in this phase:

Love Bombing

During the initial stages of a relationship, a love bomber may shower you with grand gestures, warmth, constant compliments, gifts, and intense expressions of love. They may show empathy and deep care for you when you open up to them, sharing their own life stories and traumas. They will tell you that no one understands them better than you do. Their intense focus is designed to create a sense of euphoria and dependence. You will feel flattered, special, and deeply connected. Sex may be amazing and frequent. The bond may feel so strong that it’s like you have known each other your whole lives. Some keywords that come to mind are passion, intensity, devotion, magic, a dream come true.

Mirroring

“I like what you like, I love what you love, I move like you move.” 

Mirroring refers to the act of mimicking or reflecting someone’s behaviors, mannerisms, speech patterns, and gestures. This mirroring behavior is often done with the intention of building rapport and establishing a connection with the other person. It involves subtly imitating the actions of the person you are interacting with, making them feel more comfortable and creating a sense of similarity.

Future Faking

They will make promises or plans for the future, such as:

• “I can’t wait for us to move in together and start building our life.”
• “We are going to do an amazing trip next year.”
• “I see us getting married and having a beautiful ceremony in the future.”
• “Let’s invest in this business together; it will be hugely successful.”
• “We’ll buy a house together and turn it into our dream home.”
• “I promise I’ll support you in pursuing your dreams, no matter what.”
• “Once I get that promotion, we can finally start saving for our dream home.”
• “We’ll retire early and travel the world together.”

The truth about the idealization phase is that this person does not come into this relationship with the same intentions as you have. Their minds operate differently, and that’s why this is simply a phase that will eventually morph into something else. 

They also do not enter the relationship with the same set of emotions that you feel, even though you may truly believe they do, due to their displays of affection and attention. Instead, they enter ‘observer mode’ and play the infatuation game by the book, utilizing all the tricks and tools they know to get you hooked. 

But what is really happening is that they are watching you the whole time, gathering information about your likes, dislikes, and vulnerabilities, intending to use them later.

Over time, as they continuously shower you with attention and curiosity about you, and as you ‘bond,’ you become addicted to this dream they are presenting you. This is where the trauma bonding takes root. This phase is designed to create an addiction to the high of the relationship and acts just like a drug would. It’s akin to that feel-good inhale of the cigarette that eventually harms the smoker.

The Devalue Stage

Eventually, perhaps a few months in, once they sense that you are hooked, is when subtle criticisms will begin to trickle in. They might start finding faults in you, making comments about the way you dress, your appearance, talking negatively about people you care about, and pinpointing faults in the way you do things, your dreams, and your plans.

In this phase, they begin to withdraw and remove all those wonderful positive and euphoric things they did to draw you into the relationship initially.

• The warmth and attention that you have grown accustomed to occurs less and less..
• They may start to become openly abusive, throwing insults your way, belittling, and criticizing you more and more. 
• They may mock and undermine you. 
• They may make you feel like they know what is best for you, while at the same time your sense of self becomes eroded. 
• They may start disrespecting you, either in group settings or alone.
• They may suddenly become distant, giving you silent treatments, reducing their availability, and making you feel as if you are suddenly stranded.

Gaslighting

They will make you feel like your perceptions are inaccurate and undermine your sense of reality

• “That never happened. You’re making things up.”
• “You’re imagining things; it didn’t happen like that.”
• “You must be confused. I never said that.”
• “You’re too sensitive; it was just a joke.”
• “Why are you getting so upset over nothing?”
• “You’re overreacting as usual.”
• “You made me do this because of your behavior/character.”
• “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have reacted this way.”
• “It’s your fault; you always provoke me.”
• “You’re just trying to create problems where there aren’t any.”
• “You’re not smart enough to understand what’s really happening.”
• “You have a terrible memory; you’re always forgetting things.”
• “You’re too emotional to see things clearly.”

DARVO

When you try to communicate about what is going on or express confusion or hurt, they will turn things around using the D.A.R.V.O. tactic.

• Deny: They will deny what is going on, avoiding accountability.
• Attack: They will put the blame of the relationship problems on you, often claiming you are crazy or irrational and attacking your character and credibility.
• Reverse, Victim, and Offender: They will portray themselves as the victim and you as the offender.

Projections

This is a defense mechanism where a person attributes their own thoughts, feelings, or characteristics onto someone else.

For example, if a toxic partner accuses you of cheating, they might be the ones doing it.

They may label you as angry and rude when, in fact, they exhibit these behaviors.

Accusing you of selfishness, insensitivity, or provocation, while they engage in such behaviors.

Triangulation

This is a manipulative tactic where the antagonist involves a third party to validate their perspective or undermine yours.

• “Why can’t you be more like her? She knows how to handle things.”
• “Look at my friend’s partner. They never complain about such small issues.”
• “I was talking to my coworkers, and they said they would never have a problem with this situation if it happened to them.”
• “Everyone else is doing it, so why don’t you?”
• “You should see how my friend handles this type of situation. It’s effortless for them.”
• “My friend couldn’t believe you had a problem with this.”
• “I’m going to see my coworker after work; at least, she really appreciates my input.”
• “Look at this YouTube video. It proves exactly what I am saying.”
• “My friend was in the exact same situation, and they didn’t react like you.”
• “It’s my culture. You just need to accept it.”
• “Look at how confident they are when they do it. Why don’t you do things like them more?”
• “My friend does exactly what you do. They are so amazing at it. You should learn from them.”

Breadcrumbing

As the relationship descends into toxicity, occasional moments of positivity linger. This difficulty in leaving arises because just as you contemplate a breakup and prepare to move on, they unexpectedly perform a thoughtful gesture. This serves as a trigger, reminiscent of the idealization phase. They strategically sprinkle these gestures, keeping you emotionally tethered.

What makes breaking free from a relationship with an antagonistic personality challenging is your deep attachment to the initial idealization phase. At this juncture, you strive to recapture those moments. The allure of the idealization phase fuels your hope, leading to constant reminiscing about the relationship’s highs. Similar to substance addictions, you hold onto the positive moments, selectively erasing the negative experiences.

Narcissistic Supply

The driving force behind all these manipulative tactics is rooted in the narcissist’s insatiable need for what is termed “narcissistic supply.”

But what exactly is narcissistic supply?

“Supply” encompasses the constant craving for attention, admiration, and validation that a person with narcissistic tendencies will incessantly seek from others. This need extends to both positive and negative reactions from you. Any form of reaction, be it positive or negative, feeds into their desires. Narcissists draw a sense of self-worth from the reactions and responses of those in their orbit. They utilize the attention and admiration they receive to fortify their grandiose self-image. The relentless pursuit of this supply becomes a central focus, leading to manipulative behaviors as they strategically interact with others to elicit the desired emotional responses. The need for supply stands as a fundamental aspect of narcissism.

Always remember: They want you to react. Every time you react, you give them what they want.

The Discard Phase

The Discard Stage refers to the phase when the relationship either unofficially ends or leads to a breakup.  

• The narcissist may start living as if you don’t matter or exist, without formally terminating the relationship. For example, the narcissist may engage in extramarital affairs or make significant life decisions without consulting you. 
• Their demeanour may turn icy, cold, and devoid of emotion towards you. 
• On social media, they may portray themselves as enjoying life without you.
• Alternatively, they might outright discard you, treating you as if you never held any significance. 

If you initiate the breakup, be prepared for an escalation of antagonistic behaviors from them.You can anticipate anger and arguments from the narcissist, downplaying the toxicity of the relationship and causing further confusion. They may employ mind games like guilt-tripping and shaming, claiming that no one will ever want you or understand you like they did. 

There is no winning in these situations. The narcissistic motto is that they must always be right and in control.  

Throughout this stage, you may experience extreme distress, a profound sense of injustice and betrayal, while the narcissist will continue to behave as though you were the one who betrayed them.

Hoovering

The “What happened between us? Why don’t we start over? I miss you” Phase.

Hoovering, as the name suggests, is like a vacuum cleaner attempting to suck you back in. It’s important to remember that their perception of relationships differs significantly from yours. While you may seek a loving partnership to share your life with, they view relationships as a source of supply, a means to bolster their own ego, dominate, and control. 

What they’re after is their narcissistic supply, and if you’ve moved on and accepted the breakup, it means they’ve lost control over you. Their attempts to re-enter your life through hoovering are not rooted in love but in a desire for something from you, whether it’s sex, alleviating their boredom, or filling their loneliness.

To lure you back, they may:

• Initiate contact, perhaps with a casual message like “Hey, was thinking of you today,” or fabricate a need for your assistance that only you can fulfill.
• Present a victimhood narrative, recounting sob stories about their difficult past or current struggles.
• Use swooshing tactics to express extreme loneliness without you, how much they miss you, and promises of change or apologies for past behavior.
• Display sudden empathy and interest towards you, perhaps promising to seek professional help or vowing to be the person you once fell in love with.

For a brief period, things may seem wonderful again, reminiscent of the idealization phase at the start of the relationship. You might believe you’re finally getting your fairytale ending and that all the pain and tears are behind you, feeling a profound sense of relief.

However, this phase is incredibly perilous because if you do take them back, they’ll maintain these apparent changes for a while before reverting to their old, abusive patterns. Hoovering can occur weeks, months, or even years after the initial discard, making it essential to remain vigilant and prioritize your well-being if faced with such attempts.

Learn about the gray rock method here

Published on: February 25, 2024

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach