How to become aware of your negative programming with shadow work
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Becoming Aware of our Programming
Have you ever had the experience of waking up one morning and having a song stuck in your head? And maybe you actually liked that song, so when you were on your way to work, you turned it on and blasted it in your car. It was lovely to listen to, wasn’t it? You enjoyed reminiscing the lovely memories that this song was associated with, and it put you in a great mood for the rest of the day.
Or maybe you had the opposite reaction, because the song that you woke up to was “Row, Row, Row Your Boat,” and that was such an annoying song to have in your head at eight in the morning! As you drove yourself to work, you made sure to blast other songs in the car, so you could get that song out of your head.
But whether you liked or hated that song, doesn’t change the fact that it has been stored in your mind, and for whatever reason, it jumped out of its storage drawer that lives in your subconscious and was brought to your conscious attention on that particular morning. Did you put that song in there by yourself, or was it in there because you heard it repeatedly throughout the course of your life?
Why did it just suddenly pop into your head? Did something trigger it? Did you have a dream? Or maybe it popped up for no reason at all? Funny how the mind can sometimes bring buried things to the surface, without us consciously doing anything to try and recollect that memory in the first place. Everything that you have ever experienced is still alive and well in the depths of your subconscious mind.
What if I say: “Row, row, row your boat gently down the…”
Did you finish that sentence automatically in your head? Did you automatically say “stream?”
And your belief that the ending of that sentence being “stream” is pretty much set in stone isn’t it? It’s not something that you would question because you have heard it so often during your upbringing. Everybody that ever sang that song ended that sentence with “stream”. And so now, your automatic reaction is to say “stream” without questioning yourself, right?
You thought “stream” automatically.
But what if some of the thoughts that circulate in your mind are the nasty things that your dysregulated parent repeated to you over and over during your upbringing? Like: “No one could ever love someone like you?” or “There is something wrong with you.” And what if that repetition was inadvertently internalized within your mind, just like the boat song was? And what if “No one could ever love you” drives your automatic responses, in the exact same way that you automatically responded, “stream” when you saw “Row, row, row, your boat, gently down the….”?
It doesn’t matter if you like the song or not. In the end, your responses to your environment are aligned with what you internalized. If you do not become aware of the contents of your subconscious, you will remain trapped in the programmings of your past.
In Jungian philosophy, the shadow self refers to the parts of our personality that we find difficult to accept and therefore will unconsciously try to ignore, repress, or straight-up deny. Everyone wants to see themselves as good, everyone wants to believe that their actions are justified, and everyone wants to believe that their thinking patterns are correct. We find all sorts of ways to rationalize our bad behaviors with explanations and stories because admitting to our shadow is a very difficult thing to do.
No one is perfect, and part of us knows this to be true. We often notice other people’s imperfections when interacting, but it’s not so easy when the tables are turned. We’re not so quick to admit our own imperfections, and many of us have developed defense mechanisms to avoid our own shadow because our dysfunctional caretakers demonized the very qualities that make us unique on such deep and traumatic levels. It can be difficult to admit to ourselves when we behave jealously or are judgmental, or when we get angry and don’t take responsibility for our own actions. It can also be difficult to accept different points of view, as we all want to believe we’re open-minded until we’re confronted with a challenging situation.
It’s hard to admit that we are unable to process anger or sadness healthily, and therefore we avoid dealing with those feelings when they manifest in our loved ones. It is hard to think back about our lives and take responsibility for the decisions we have made that have resulted in painful consequences, especially when our circumstances were so dire to begin with. Shutting out the voices of our critical parent and facing our imperfections healthily is a difficult act to juggle; doing this is not easy at all, especially for survivors of narcissistic abuse.
We have been fighting against false blaming, criticism, and all sorts of abuses that were always excused on account of our “demonic” character traits. The process of putting our guard down, even if it is for the purpose of our own growth, is painful. We never want the voice of the narcissist in our lives to have been right about anything they have ever said to us, and so we get triggered and respond with our various defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from any reminder of their poisoned words at all cost, no matter the context. They excelled at finding our weaknesses, our flaws, and at weaponizing them so that they could claim victimhood and excuse abuse, didn’t they? Our mistakes were viewed as unforgivable offenses. Because of this, we may never have developed a healthy relationship with our imperfections. Any character trait that our families deemed as flawed gave them the green light to attack our personality style, destroy our self-esteem, and excuse abuse.
We must separate their demonizing of our flaws, whatever they may be, and come face to face with who we really are, beyond their criticism of us. No character trait that you have is ever a reason to excuse abuse. But because you are a scapegoat, your family may have given you this false limiting belief, which has been programmed deep within your mind. And so, admitting to our flaws, especially if they have been used to excuse the abuses done against us, is painfully terrifying.
Another horrifying prospect that we might find along the way is that we have internalized some of the character traits of our abusers; a very scary concept to admit to ourselves and to deal with indeed. Unfortunately, our dysfunctional caretakers raised us, so picking up a trait or two might have inevitably happened; this is just the rules of human nature. Because of this, there is a very real risk that allowing some of our character traits to come to light will cause us to feel self-hatred.
Please remember, the purpose of shadow work isn’t for you to suddenly start hating yourself, but rather to become aware of your narcissistic parent’s subconscious teachings so that you may change them, change your life for the better, and stop the cycle of generational trauma from being passed on. You must always remember, no matter what surfaces within you, that we are all made of light and shadows. Your shadows alone do not define you as a whole, and neither does the light. Carl Jung said it best with the quote: “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
Becoming aware of our demons allows us to control them when they show up uninvited. You are not that parent; you are you, and you can choose to do whatever you want with the things that were taught to you. You always have the power to decide how to use your experiences. Your song can change; you can write new lyrics for yourself.
“Row, row, row your boat, gently down the clouds…”
You can decide to sing the song any way you want, even if you have been taught to say “stream”. Eventually, as you decide that your new lyrics will become your new normal, “stream” will take the backseat, way back where you won’t be bothered with it anymore, and “clouds” will become the new ending of your song. You can choose to sing your songs any way you want; you have the power of your actions.
Where there is darkness, you will also find light.
This brings me to the flip side of all this: our shadow isn’t just a Mariana Trench full of darkness, scary slimy creatures, and terrifying sharp-toothed monsters. It is also a deep unexplored ocean of untapped potential, talent, and gifts. Tapping into this potential is very rewarding, but it comes as a package deal; it’s the yin and the yang of life, one cannot exist without the other. We must deal with our entirety to access our untapped potential.
The practice of integrating our subconscious mind into our active conscious mind is necessary to unlock the mysteries of who we are, as whole and balanced people. By learning to accept ourselves as we are and integrate all aspects of our personality into our daily lives, we may find that life becomes much easier, more fulfilling, and joyful. When we admit to ourselves that we are as we are, the negative messages absorbed over the years lose their power over us, and we are then able to regain control over our lives.
A support system is always recommended when one takes on the monumental task of stripping away the falsehoods that we tell ourselves, and when we decide to finally face the creatures that reside in our hearts. Be mindful of undertaking shadow work alone. It is better to have someone to talk to, and who can help keep you grounded in the process. You may find that the rabbit hole goes very deep, and at times, it can get very daunting.
Triggers
When you allow yourself to be honest with yourself, you are also able to be honest with others - Carl Jung.
A trigger is when a thing, person, or event has a deeply disturbing effect on your emotional state because it subconsciously reminds you of a separate, unrelated incident that has caused you pain.
Carl Jung teaches us that when we can’t accept our own painful emotions, we will do everything we can to avoid them in other people.
Triggers will activate our defense mechanisms towards the wrong person or situation, without us realizing that our behavior is inappropriate to the situation at hand. The intensity of this feeling blinds us to the present moment and to reality. We might believe that someone we love has done something to upset us, and yet, the real reason why we are upset actually stems from a very deep, hidden emotion associated with an uncomfortable event that we never healed from and that occurred in the past. Getting to know our triggers through mindfulness, journaling, and therapy will help us find the limiting beliefs that we hold in our hearts, and that keep us stuck.
Projections
Carl Jung taught us that projecting our undesirable feelings such as pent-up anger, stress, and unhappiness onto others is a common defense mechanism. For example, if a mother is overwhelmed with the demands of raising children due to the lack of emotional support from her husband, she might let her anger and frustrations out on the child who happens to have an adventurous temperament. She might have subconsciously developed a coping mechanism through punishing her child, which temporarily appeases her inner turmoil. But the truth is that it will never be appeased because the true problem is never addressed; it is her inability to admit to the real problem that will destroy the potential for a healthy relationship with her own child as he grows into teenagehood and then adulthood feeling the weight of his mother’s resentment on his shoulders. The problem was never the child’s temperament, but her projections rendered her unable to see this.
The real problem always arises when we decide to justify our bad behaviors, never looking deeper within ourselves, and never admitting to ourselves that there is something very painful living within us that we are trying to avoid. There is also always a danger that we will project repressed anger, guilt, shame, and failures onto others, never really realizing that we are doing what was done to us and never understanding why we are doing it in the first place. Only taking responsibility for our lives will change its course for the better, no matter what roles other people play.
We Dislike in Others What We Can’t Accept About Ourselves
When we meet a person, the general rule of thumb is that the character traits we notice about them and that we like or dislike, are a reflection of ourselves. This idea can be quite difficult to digest at first. When I discovered this concept, I thought of the people that revolted me, and the very thought that I would be just like them was even more revolting. But holding ourselves accountable for our judgments of others will help free us of the hatred that we feel towards ourselves.
And remember, this concept is also to be applied in reverse. When a person criticizes you, points at your imperfections, and minimizes you, they are in fact giving away the secrets of their own shadow. They are letting you know that this is how they feel about themselves. If the enablers in your life call you too sensitive, it is because they themselves don’t give themselves permission to feel their own feelings and are therefore unable to process them correctly, learn from them, and grow. When one understands this, it becomes easier to not take the terrible things that people do to us, especially the enablers in our lives, personally. It also shows us how deeply the narcissists in our lives actually loathe themselves.
Having said that, even though we understand why people do the things that they do, it still doesn’t excuse their bad behaviors, nor are you obligated to have a relationship with them in any way whatsoever. Everyone is responsible for their healing, and you are to be nobody’s punching bag, regardless of the reasons why they treat you the way that they do. And the same advice is also given to you: be very careful not to let the pain of your past out on the people that you love.
Patterns
Following instincts isn’t good for you if you come from a dysfunctional family because your subconscious will lead you to unresolved feelings and you will re-experience your traumas over and over. Carl Jung said, “Our shadow self wants to be seen and accepted as a part of us.”
If a mother has repeatedly told her child that they could never be loved, then the shadow side will say, “Let me show you how unlovable I can be.” The shadow side doesn’t know right from wrong, nor can it distinguish a joke from a serious statement. Whatever that parent repeats will be what the child will manifest unconsciously through their actions. The child will grow up repeating self-destructive patterns well into adulthood because the message imprinted deep in their subconscious by their own mother was that they are terrible and therefore don’t deserve anything that is good for them. In fact, anything good that comes their way may trigger feelings of distrust, disdain, and even disgust. The body manifests what exists within the subconscious.
We may find that when we exit an abusive environment, we sometimes can’t handle having too much of a good thing in our lives. I know that personally, I have sabotaged very good jobs, and have left places where I was made to feel welcome, all because there was a deep elusive feeling deep down inside that told me that I didn’t belong there. A feeling that told me that I didn’t belong and I needed to work harder and look further for happiness. I wasn’t aware of what this feeling really was, as I was used to it and it was simply a part of how I felt daily. This was a feeling that I didn’t question as I didn’t even understand that I could look within for answers. But nonetheless, it drove all my decisions toward self-sabotaging behaviors. I never kept a good thing for very long. I always moved, moved, and moved, always looking for more and yet never feeling fulfilled no matter what came my way.
You might notice that when you try to change the course of your life for the better, you will feel a backward pull. For example, if you decide to go back to school, you might feel a rush of fear as you send in the application, almost making you regret having made a move. Or maybe if you have the opportunity for a healthy relationship, you may experience a sudden feeling to want to avoid that person. If you decide to launch a business, everything in your body will tell you to give up as soon as you hit that first obstacle. If you have a good job, no matter how well they treat you, you might keep feeling like there is always something better waiting for you elsewhere, or that you are a fraud.
journal prompts
- Write down the name of a person in your life who you find difficult to be around and list the specific negative traits or actions that bother you about them. Reflect on whether you possess any of these same traits or have engaged in similar actions in your own life.
- Think about the ways in which you have been holding yourself back from fully expressing yourself. What steps can you take to break free from these limitations and embrace your true self?
- Write about a time when you went against the norm or expectations of others. How did it make you feel and what did you learn about yourself?
The Lessons learned
Shadow work can be a challenging and uncomfortable process, but it is necessary for breaking out of self-sabotaging patterns and moving towards a more authentic and fulfilling life. As we delve deeper into the shadows, we may encounter resistance and discomfort. This is normal, as it is our mind’s way of trying to protect us from facing the unknown.
However, it is important to push beyond this resistance and acknowledge the emotions and thoughts that come up. By facing these parts of ourselves head-on, we can gain insight into the root causes of our negative patterns and begin to understand how they have been holding us back.
As we work through these patterns, we may also experience feelings of guilt, shame, and self-judgment. It’s important to remember that these feelings are not a reflection of our worth as individuals, but rather a natural part of the healing process.
As we continue to do shadow work, we begin to understand and accept all parts of ourselves, the light and the dark. We learn to love and accept ourselves, flaws and all. We gain the ability to break free from the self-sabotaging patterns that have been holding us back and start living an authentic and fulfilling life.
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THE CONTENTS OF THIS WEBSITE ARE NOT MEANT TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP AND COUNSELING. THE READERS ARE DISCOURAGED FROM USING IT FOR DIAGNOSTIC OR THERAPEUTIC ENDS. THE DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER CAN ONLY BE DONE BY PROFESSIONALS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED AND QUALIFIED TO DO SO. THE AUTHOR IS NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.