How to set boundaries after being scapegoated

Published on: July 11, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Establishing healthy boundaries for oneself can be a daunting and perplexing journey, especially for individuals who have been subjected to scapegoating. Narcissists, for instance, view your boundaries as vulnerabilities that they can exploit to elicit a reaction when they require supply. Meanwhile, unsupportive acquaintances will abruptly abandon you for setting your limits, and enablers will disregard or trivialize your boundaries as unreasonable outbursts. When encircled by such an unhealthy environment, it can be bewildering and downright frightening to learn to trust oneself. Recognize that setting boundaries may temporarily disrupt your world if your world isn’t healthy for you. Those who become angry with you for setting boundaries are the ones who benefit from your lack of them. And when you lack boundaries, those are the types of people that you attract and inadvertently surround yourself with. It’s a vicious circle that can feel terrifying to push through.

To distinguish right from wrong, reasonable from unreasonable, and normal from abnormal, you may need to create a set of personal rules that align with your unique values, personality, limits and boundaries. These rules are yours alone, and it’s perfectly okay if they differ from someone else’s. Each person is entitled to protect themselves in their own way. You and I may not share the same values, and that’s okay. This is what individuality is all about. I won’t tell you what your personal rules should be because nobody has the right to decide for you. For me, creating my own set of rules became my guiding compass for a better life.

Examples of some personal rules may include:

• Love is consistent. It doesn’t turn on and off like a light switch.
• Show up when it matters that you do.
• Don’t change your behavior towards me when someone else shows up.
• When you love a person, you let them know through your actions, not through your words.
• I can change my mind if I suddenly start to feel uncomfortable with a decision, as can you.
• My love is not for sale.
• I don’t owe you a relationship, you don’t owe me a relationship.
• My mistakes are not your weapons.
• A healthy relationship with a person isn’t dependent on a relationship with a third party.
• My boundaries have nothing to do with how much I love you. Those are separate concepts.
• I am not responsible for your happiness, and you are not responsible for mine.
• Love and guilt don’t work together as a team.
• Generosity and empathy are not the same thing.
• Confusion about my place in a relationship is a sign of gaslighting.
• I am not your free resource.
• Safeguarding my mental health and emotional safety takes precedence over all my decisions.

As I started creating personal rules for living, I became aware of my values, triggers, discomforts, and what I would no longer tolerate. I made a list of safe vs. unsafe people signs and followed through almost religiously. I did my shadow work and took notice of my strengths and weaknesses. Every time I was challenged, or felt the grip of difficult emotions take hold of me, instead of questioning myself, I simply reverted back to the set of rules I created for myself and carried on.

When you align your actions with your personal pre-established rules for better living, you will never be wrong.

Ultimately, it’s not your responsibility to manage other people’s reactions to your boundaries. When you set boundaries to address repeated disrespect, it’s likely that those who have grown accustomed to crossing them will resist the change. However, boundaries serve to protect you and are not a reflection of your love for others. You have the autonomy to establish rules that align with your values, preferences, and mental and physical well-being. Those who genuinely care about you will honor your boundaries, while those with ulterior motives will likely distance themselves.

As you reveal your authentic self, the world will respond in kind.

About Boundaries

A boundary is that sacred space that you hold for yourself as an individual. It acts as an invisible line that sets you apart from the rest of the world. Boundaries are normal, healthy, and protect you from harm. They are essential for the development of strong and healthy relationships. All human beings have a need for boundaries.

There are several types of boundaries that can help protect different aspects of your well-being.

• Physical boundaries are about protecting your body and personal space. They encompass your right to say no to physical touch that makes you uncomfortable, as well as ensuring that your basic physical needs like rest, nutrition, and hydration are met. These boundaries help you feel safe and secure in your physical environment.
• Emotional boundaries involve recognizing your feelings and understanding how much emotional energy you are willing to invest in others. This means being mindful of how much you share with others and setting limits to protect yourself from people who may be emotionally draining or unsupportive. Emotional boundaries help you maintain healthy relationships and protect your mental health.
• Intellectual boundaries involve respecting each other’s thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. It means being open to different perspectives and avoiding belittling or dismissing others’ ideas. Intellectual boundaries help create an environment of mutual respect and can lead to more meaningful and productive conversations.
• Sexual boundaries involve your right to make your own decisions about sexual activity and relationships. This includes respecting others’ consent and communication around sexual activity. Sexual boundaries help ensure that you feel comfortable and respected in sexual situations.
• Financial boundaries involve your right to make your own financial decisions and protect yourself from financial exploitation or manipulation. This includes setting limits around spending, lending, and sharing financial information with others. Financial boundaries help ensure that you maintain your financial independence and security.
• Communication boundaries involve your right to choose how and when you communicate with others. This includes setting limits around the frequency and nature of communication and the ability to say no to certain conversations or interactions. Communication boundaries help maintain healthy relationships by ensuring that you have space for your own needs and priorities.
• Time boundaries involve your right to allocate your time according to your priorities. This includes saying no to requests or demands on your time and setting aside time for yourself. Time boundaries help ensure that you have time for self-care and personal growth.
• Psychological boundaries protect your mental health and well-being. This includes your right to peaceful living, your right to not be exposed to triggering situations, and your right to protect yourself from psychological abuse. Psychological boundaries help maintain your sense of self-worth and protect you from toxic environments.

The Importance of Boundaries

• To protect our physical and emotional well-being by setting limits on what behaviors we will and will not tolerate from others.
• To help us preserve our personal autonomy by establishing clear lines between our responsibilities and those of others, preventing us from feeling overwhelmed or burdened by the needs or expectations of others.
• To foster healthy relationships by promoting effective communication of our needs and expectations, leading to fulfilling relationships while promoting personal growth.
• To enhance self-respect and self-esteem by establishing healthy boundaries and asserting ourselves when they are crossed.
• To promote honesty and transparency in relationships by setting clear expectations and holding ourselves and others accountable.
• To help us prioritize our own needs and goals by setting boundaries that align with our values and priorities.
• To reduce stress and anxiety by setting limits on the demands and expectations of others and allowing us to focus on our own well-being.
• To prevent burnout by establishing boundaries around work and personal life, promoting a healthy work-life balance.
• To improve communication by setting clear expectations and boundaries, reducing misunderstandings and conflicts in relationships.
• To enable us to say “no” without feeling guilty or obligated, allowing us to prioritize our own needs and goals.

Non-Negotiables

The general rule of thumb in healthy relationships is that boundaries are not completely rigid and may allow some degree of flexibility. In a healthy relationship, it is reasonable to make certain compromises, such as respecting each other’s personal space at home, negotiating the time spent together vs alone time and also establishing who is responsible for what in order to run a household smoothly. However, there are certain non-negotiable commitments, principles, and values that you should never compromise, no matter who you are dealing with or what the situation is. When you honor your non-negotiables, you demonstrate self-love, self-respect, and self-honoring.

Examples of Non-Negotiables

• Not allowing physical violence.
• Not tolerating character destruction.
• Not tolerating cheating in a relationship.
• Not allowing oneself to be isolated from friends.
• Not tolerating the silent treatment.
• Not tolerating any form of gaslighting.
• Not allowing oneself to engage in activities or with people that make oneself feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
• Not allowing oneself to compromise on personal values, self-care, or beliefs.
• Not allowing oneself to engage in any activity that is illegal or unethical.
• Not allowing oneself to engage in any activity that goes against one’s religious or moral beliefs.
• Not allowing oneself to be belittled or talked to with disrespect.
• Not engaging with people who treat you as an inferior human being.

It’s important to remember that non-negotiables are the very foundation that you stand on and should not be used as ammunition. Unlike healthy boundaries, which can be flexible and adaptable, non-negotiables do not always need to be announced, particularly when dealing with a narcissistic family system or with an abuser. You don’t need anyone’s validation to establish them; you simply do it.

Learn about the Gray Rock method to protect yourself against narcissistic abuse here

About Enforcing Boundaries (With Non-Narcissistic People)

Enforcing boundaries can be confusing and challenging when you where never taught how to do it properly. However, there are a few strategies you can use to communicate your boundaries effectively without causing conflict or harm to others:

• Use “I” statements: When communicating your boundaries, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This can help the other person understand that your boundaries are personal and not an attack on them. For example, instead of saying “you always interrupt me,” say “I feel disrespected when I’m interrupted.”
• Be clear and specific: Clearly communicate what your boundaries are and why they are important to you. Being specific can help the other person understand exactly what you need and why. For example, instead of saying “I need more space,” say “I need at least one hour of alone time every day to recharge.”
• Stay calm and firm: It’s important to stay calm and firm when communicating your boundaries, even if the other person becomes upset or defensive. Remember that your boundaries are important for your well-being, and it’s okay to prioritize them.
• Offer alternatives: If you’re enforcing a boundary that affects someone else, offer alternatives that can help meet both of your needs. For example, if you’re enforcing a boundary around your work schedule, offer to schedule a meeting at a different time that works for both of you.
• Practice self-care: Enforcing boundaries can be emotionally exhausting, so it’s important to practice self-care and prioritize your own well-being. Take breaks when needed, seek support from loved ones, and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.

Getting Used to the Discomfort of Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries can be a difficult process for many people because it often involves having difficult conversations and potentially facing pushback or resistance from others. It is not uncommon to feel uncomfortable or anxious when setting boundaries, but getting comfortable with this discomfort is an important part of the process.

One way to start getting comfortable with discomfort is to remind yourself of the benefits of setting boundaries. Boundaries are a way of protecting your own needs and values, and they can lead to healthier relationships and greater self-respect. When you feel uncomfortable setting boundaries, remind yourself that you are doing something positive and important for yourself.

Another strategy is to practice setting boundaries in low-stakes situations. For example, you could start by setting a boundary with a friend about when you are available to hang out, or with a co-worker about how much you are willing to take on for a project. These smaller, less emotionally charged situations can help you build confidence and develop your skills for setting boundaries.

It can also be helpful to have a plan for how you will respond to pushback or resistance from others. This might involve rehearsing what you will say, or thinking through different scenarios and how you will handle them. Remember that it is normal to feel anxious or uncomfortable when facing resistance, but having a plan can help you stay focused on your goals and maintain your boundaries.

Finally, it is important to take care of yourself during the boundary-setting process. This might involve practicing self-care techniques like meditation, exercise, or spending time with supportive friends. It can also be helpful to remind yourself that it is okay to take things slowly and give yourself time to adjust to the discomfort that comes with setting boundaries.

Published on: July 11, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach