How to think of your situation when you are the family scapegoat

Published on:

by Art Florentyna
Personal Development Coach

If you are here because you are your family’s scapegoat, then I would like to begin by saying that this is a safe space for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with your personality or your character.

You are the sanest member of your narcissistic family system and your life circumstances are beyond your control.

You are a survivor.

The Scapegoated Child’s Upbringing

You grew up in an unhappy home where the real issues were systematically swept under the rug. You helplessly watched as everyone held brooms and dustpans, collectively shrugging their shoulders while attempting to conceal the messes consistently created by the narcissistic family member.

A thick veil of the “happy family” illusion hung over your dysfunctional family. To outsiders, a completely different façade may have been presented – all smiles, warmth, empathy, achievements, and pride. But behind closed doors, it was a different world. The atmosphere suddenly changed when no one was looking.

Accepting that we come from dysfunctional families is a difficult fog to emerge from because dysfunctional behavior was a normalized part of our upbringing. However, grasping this fact is necessary for the healing process to begin.

Dysfunctional families rarely, if ever, admit that they have deep-seated issues. As the family scapegoat, you’ll notice that they conveniently develop collective amnesia when past traumatic incidents are mentioned or when you seek comfort. They will rationalize the narcissist’s cruel punishments such as prolonged silent treatments, persistent badmouthing, character destruction, and even physical abuse. All the members of a narcissistic family system will more often than not consistently find reasons to explain and rationalize the behavior of a dysregulated family member who is completely out of touch with reality.

The entire family, unwilling to confront the aftermath of dealing with a narcissist, will inevitably shift its focus to the easiest and most cowardly solution: blaming and ultimately discarding the most vulnerable family member, the scapegoated child who fights back.

See basic overview of the narcissistic family system

In a narcissistic family dynamic, the scapegoat is the child who is made to bear the blame and shame of the family dysfunction, all so that a narcissistic family member can continue behaving as they do without ever being challenged and without ever taking accountability for their shortcomings, failures, emotional dysregulation, and abusive behaviors.

Scapegoating is, in fact, a very poor defense mechanism in which a person projects the issues they want to avoid dealing with within themselves onto another individual. In the context of a narcissistic family, the chosen target of the narcissistic parent is typically the child who is most profoundly affected by them and who becomes unwilling to conform to such a dysfunctional way of life.

The child’s reactions become a perfect source of supply for the narcissistic parent. The more the scapegoat reacts to the consistent abuses and antagonisms created by the narcissistic parent, the more the rest of the family contends that this child disrupts the peace as the narcissistic parent is always ‘upset’ in their presence.

The scapegoat will be consistently told that they need to change themselves, even though the reality is that it’s impossible for the scapegoat to change enough to ever satisfy the narcissistic parent. This is because the dysfunction has nothing to do with the scapegoat, and everything to do with the narcissism of a deeply dysregulated individual.

Ignorance and Invalidation

As the scapegoat transitions into adulthood, their nervous system remains ensnared in a perpetual ‘fight or flight’ mode, making it difficult to find balance. This chronic state of hyperarousal is a consequence of enduring a lifetime of daily antagonisms, criticism, shaming, and the systematic erosion of their character. From early childhood, a scapegoat will be forced to bear unjustifiable responsibilities, including the unattainable burden of their parents’ happiness and unmet needs, leading to a growing disconnect from their authentic selves, their own needs, and their own inner world.

The scapegoat’s desperate need for healing, empathy, and understanding will often go unheeded, as the narcissistic parent’s victimhood narratives and never ending explanations that rationalize their cruel punishments and psychological abuses, will overshadow and compete with the emotional needs and well-being of the scapegoated child. The scapegoat must frequently grapple with uninformed comments, not only from outsiders but also from friends and family members who fail to comprehend the complexities of narcissistic abuse. These remarks only serve to intensify the scapegoat’s isolation, fostering self-doubt, guilt, and shame.

Comments and even at times well-intentioned yet misguided advice like, ‘Why don’t you just set boundaries? Why don’t you simply ignore them? Why don’t you change your behavior around them? Why don’t you just have empathy for them? After all, you only have one parent…’"

In a narcissistic family system, doing those things provides the narcissist with precisely the ammunition they need. It’s like handing them a loaded gun. The scapegoat’s attempts to set boundaries, to set limits, to voice their preferences, and even their acts of self defense, will always become weaponized and used against them, further reinforcing the narcissist’s narrative that they indeed have a ‘devil child,’ allowing the family to conveniently stick to the story that the scapegoat is a disturber of the peace who simply can’t get with the program and fawn like everyone else in the presence of the narcissist.

The truth is that the scapegoat is the sanest and most authentic family member, who is punished precisely for attempting to stay true to their authenticity in a family where dysfunction is normalized and allowed to rule.

Why the Scapegoat

There might have come a point in your life when you asked yourself: Why me?  Why did I become the scapegoat?  What is wrong with me? What did I ever do to deserve this?  Why does my parent hate me so much?

This self-blaming thinking pattern needs reframing. It isn’t about any inadequacy, flaw, or fault that you might possess. Your imperfections were never meant to be used as an excuse for abuse in the first place. Furthermore, this isn’t how unconditional love works. No healthy parent would ever withhold love from their own child for making mistakes, having disagreements, having an adventurous temperament, or having a mind of their own.

No. The correct way to phrase this question is: 

What is it about you that triggers your narcissistic parent’s jealousy, resentment, self-hatred, and shame, which they will never admit to feeling, not even to themselves?

The truth is that you possess powerful qualities that stir the narcissist on a deep level. Instead of doing the right thing, which would be to confront their deeply rooted shame, take accountability for their actions, and engage in the hard work of personal development, a narcissistic parent will stubbornly cling to the power dynamic they’ve established with their own children. They will do whatever it takes to save face, even if it means destroying the life of their own child and going as far as ensuring that they do not have a family to turn to for support in the aftermath. A narcissistic parent will ensure the isolation of their own child, just to be right.

Learn about why the narcissist needs a scapegoat

Narcissistic Supply

Narcissistic supply refers to the constant need for attention, admiration, and validation that narcissists seek from those around them to quell their inner turmoil. These individuals can be likened to emotional and psychological vampires, feeding off the energy and emotions of others. When they don’t receive the admiration or validation they desire, they resort to exploiting their victims’ vulnerabilities through emotional manipulation, aiming to provoke strong emotions. The more intense the emotions they elicit in their targets, the greater the relief the narcissist feels.

To achieve their goal, narcissists employ a variety of tactics. One common strategy is gaslighting, which involves distorting reality and sowing doubt about the scapegoat’s sanity, memory, and reasoning abilities. This tactic weakens the scapegoat, keeping them unable to love and trust themselves.

Furthermore, narcissists deliberately provoke dramatic conflicts and then position themselves as either victims or saviors and mediators, despite being the instigators of the disputes. Some narcissists may even take the extreme step of weaponizing their care and concern, using it to portray their chosen scapegoat as ungrateful and selfish. It’s important to recognize that these manipulations occur within the context of conflicts they themselves initiated, to quench their need for supply.

Deflecting Responsibility

The term “DARVO” was coined by Jennifer Freyd, a psychologist and researcher in the field of interpersonal violence. The DARVO method is a common strategy used by perpetrators of abuse to deflect responsibility and avoid accountability. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender. In this case, the perpetrator is the narcissistic parent who will deny any wrongdoing. They will then proceed to attack the victim, their targeted scapegoated child, in various ways, such as demonizing their character, amplifying their past mistakes that are completely unrelated to the issues at hand. They will use guilt-tricks designed to evoke deep shame within the child and may even threaten the victim with consequences, such as the withholding of love or resources, physical violence and emotional abuse.

They will then rationalize their own bad behavior by claiming that the victim provoked them into having a reaction. They had to give their own child the silent treatment, they had to withhold love, they had to smear their name to anyone who listens, they had to humiliate them, they had to punish them as they did… they had no choice because they, the poor narcissistic parent, are but the victims of a cruel world, in which their greatness is always cruelly underappreciated and that child should have known better.

This leads to the “reverse victim-offender” stage, where they will reverse the entire situation, portraying themselves as the victims and labeling the true victim of their abuse as the offender who deserved what they got. They will condition, not only their own child, but the entire narcissistic family system, to believe that there is something wrong with the scapegoat. That they are so unlovable, so evil, so worthless, so beneath them, that their character is so bad, that they do not deserve a loving parent. They will condition the entire system to believe that how the scapegoat is treated, is absolutely normal, rational and even necessary.

This cycle becomes completely normalized in a narcissistic family system.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation in which a person or group makes another person doubt their own perception of reality or sanity. The narcissistic parent uses a variety of tactics to distort, manipulate, and undermine their victim’s perceptions and sense of self, often leaving them feeling confused, anxious, and uncertain. The enablers of a narcissistic family system will also jump on that train, which is designed to keep the issues hidden, the scapegoat submissive and accepting of their fate and position within the family hierarchy.

Gaslighting can take many forms, including:

Learn more about gaslighting here

The Gray Rock

The immense amount of energy and focus required to maintain one’s composure during such distressing interactions is undeniably draining.

That’s why it’s imperative for anyone contending with this type of toxicity to master the art of observing without reacting or responding. Narcissists thrive on eliciting reactions, and the more they know about your feelings, needs, likes, and dislikes, the more they can exploit these details to manipulate the scapegoat into reacting. If they identify a vulnerability, they will persistently exploit it until they provoke a response. Their ultimate goal is to trigger that reaction, allowing them to unleash their profound emotional dysregulation on a target while keeping their own hands clean.

Narcissists are indifferent to facts; what matters to them is praise, soothing, adoration, and the assurance of being right.

The gray rock method is used to interact with emotionally manipulative or volatile individuals, particularly in the context of narcissistic abuse. The idea behind the method is to remain emotionally neutral, unresponsive and uninvolved when interacting with this type of person, much like a gray rock. The goal is to not give them the attention or emotional reactions they crave, and to avoid getting pulled into their drama or manipulation. This can help to defuse potentially explosive situations and includes not responding to provocations, not engaging in personal attacks, and not giving in to emotional pleas. Learn more about the gray rock method here

By learning to keep calm, you prevent the narcissist from attaining that sense of relief they get from your reactions, as they use you as an emotional outlet for their anger. When you respond neutrally, you deny them the opportunity to release their negative emotions on you.

However, it’s important to be aware that when using this method, especially in the initial stages, the narcissist may escalate their tactics in an attempt to provoke an explosive reaction from you. If you remain unreactive, they may resort to new character assassination tactics, often intensifying their efforts to smear your name. They may enlist other family members to join in, labeling you as heartless, unaffectionate, uncaring and cold. The gray rock will not cure their narcissism so to speak, it is only meant to help you safeguard yourself.

False Beliefs Reinforced by the System

Dealing with a narcissistic parent is invariably a lose-lose situation for the scapegoat, as these parents can be unrelenting in their efforts to maintain control and continue scapegoating, even from a distance.

This is where enablers turn into “flying monkeys”.

The term “flying monkeys” in the context of narcissistic abuse comes from the 1939 film “The Wizard of Oz.” In the movie, the Wicked Witch of the West has a group of loyal henchmen who are actually flying monkeys. These flying monkeys do the witch’s bidding and carry out her orders, often to harm or intimidate Dorothy and her friends.

In the context of narcissistic abuse, “flying monkeys” refers to individuals who are manipulated or coerced by a narcissist to do their bidding. These people might be well-meaning friends, family members, or colleagues who are unwittingly used by the narcissist to attack or undermine the victim. The narcissist can use these flying monkeys to spread rumors, harass, or otherwise harm the person they are targeting, without getting their own hands dirty.

For more information about the roles in narcissistic family systems click here

Flying monkeys will often trigger the scapegoat’s guilt and shame, making the scapegoat feel responsible for the family’s unhappiness as well as feel irrational for attempting to safeguard themselves and prioritize their emotional and psychological safety.

The reinforcement of false beliefs by the flying monkeys will often intensify when the scapegoat decides to protect themselves from further psychological harm by distancing themselves, emotionally detaching, or setting the final boundary of going completely no contact with the narcissistic parent.

So while the gray rock method is designed to safeguard yourself when dealing with toxic people, it will not cure or change the narcissist, nor will it change how the enablers protect the family image and enable the horrendous behaviors of the narcissistic family member.

The scapegoat will be vilified no matter what they do. This is the very nature of scapegoating.

So, you might as well be yourself and do you.

It is of no use holding on to a group of people who collectively scapegoat a family member as a means to avoid dealing with the real issues. A family that scapegoats their own is a family that refuses to heal. This is not within your control. What is in your control is how you treat yourself, the focus of your energy and thoughts, and how you decide to live your life.

As the famous Carl Jung said: ‘I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become’.

Being the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system can leave lasting imprints on one’s beliefs and self-perception.

These internalized beliefs might manifest as feelings of unworthiness, unlovability, inadequacy, never being enough, not fitting in, having no value, being flawed in some way, and suffering from constant feelings of self doubt.

These false beliefs can become deeply ingrained in the scapegoat’s psyche, continuing to influence their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors even after they have distanced themselves from the family system.

The false beliefs that plague the scapegoat are deeply reinforced by the fear ingrained during their conditioning by the narcissistic parent. Every time the scapegoat attempted to be their authentic self or pursue self-actualization, they faced punishment. Consequently, as we mature, we carry the belief that the world will treat us the same way our own families did if we dare to reveal our true selves.

Moreover, we’ve been conditioned to tie our worth to others’ opinions of us, leading to deep-seated fears of being disliked or rejected if we let our true selves shine through. Our tendency is to hyper-focus on those who dislike us or negative comments, attempting to continuously rectify ourselves.

This behavior is a manifestation of our subconscious reliving our childhood experiences, trying to mend something that cannot be fixed.

The narcissistic family system instilled within the scapegoat fears of abandonment, of setting healthy boundaries or asserting individuality, fears of not measuring up, and the dread of pursuing our own goals and aspirations as any mistakes that we would make along the way would serve as proof that we are failures.

The scapegoat has learned that every time they dared to break free from their shell, they were met with pain and rejection.

The narcissistic family system has created an invisible prison within the scapegoat’s mind, shaped and perpetuated by these false beliefs.

Learn about limiting beliefs here

By becoming aware of the limiting beliefs that form an invisible wall, constraining us from reaching our true potential, we can start to break free from the invisible prison that the narcissist has imposed upon us.

It is crucial to recognize that these beliefs were forced upon us by dysfunctional family dynamics and do not accurately reflect our true worth or potential. They are distorted perceptions that have gradually become internalized and most importantly must now be unlearned.

To unlearn these false beliefs, one must first become aware of them. And to become aware, the scapegoat must summon the courage to look within themselves for the very first time, accepting themselves as complete individuals - embracing the good, the bad, and the ugly. When you get to know your inner demons, you gain the ability to choose whether to let them control you or not. The first step is getting to know those inner demons, understanding that no human being is exempt from grappling with them.

Familiarizing oneself with these false beliefs also allows the scapegoat to distance themselves from the toxic messages they’ve internalized. It enables them to cultivate a more objective and compassionate self-view, realizing they are not defined by the negative labels placed upon them by their narcissistic family system. This awareness can be empowering and liberating, as it opens the door to personal growth and self-acceptance.

Learn about the scapegoat’s false learned beliefs here

Acceptance, Emotional Detachment and Moving on

The truth is that changing the mentality of a narcissistic family system is beyond your control.

Changing a narcissistic family system is a daunting task because you’re attempting to alter a dynamic where all members, regardless of the cost, avoid confronting the central figure. Suppressing your own needs and pushing past your traumas to seek recognition within the family won’t lead to change. As the scapegoat, you are an integral part of the family puzzle, and the more you strive for justice, the more ammunition the narcissist will have against you. Your pleas to be seen, heard, validated, accepted, and, most importantly, for the deep trauma and suffering that the narcissistic parent has caused you to be acknowledged and addressed, will only lead to endless discussions that seem to go in circles, with your pain constantly in competition with the narcissist’s victimhood narratives and ‘he said, she said’ dynamics that never end. The narcissistic parent will not change for you, and the world will always revolve around their superior experiences, feelings, life stories and superior position within the family. This is the nature of their dysfunction.

Whether you choose to emotionally detach and focus on your healing process or persist in making yourself ill by fighting for the true family dysfunction to be addressed, holding onto false hopes for change likely won’t alter the inner workings of a narcissistic family system. To ascertain this, simply take an objective look at the patterns and cycles you’ve endured within your narcissistic family system. How many times have you expressed your issues, pain, and concerns? How often have you pleaded for help with the consistent targeting by the narcissist? How many times were you minimized, invalidated, diminished, or brushed aside? If this is a recurring pattern, you have your answer. For the result of an equation to change, there must be a change in the numbers that constitute the sum – something has to change.

Your situation with your family members is likely to remain as it has always been, with the same behavioral patterns, dysfunctional beliefs, and needless sacrifices in the name of what they perceive to be ’love,’ especially if you continue doing what you’ve always done.

Narcissistic family systems are controlled by a single individual who dictates the rules, and everyone must comply to avoid their tantrums. The family’s primary goal is to keep the narcissist ‘calm.’

In such a scenario,  understand that the change you seek must come from within the family members, and when they are not willing to confront reality and deal with the issues at hand, there is nothing you can do. It’s not within your control, and it may be best to let go of the situation and focus on your own well-being. Become mindful of any toxic guilt holding you back, and work on letting it go.

It is important to accept what you cannot change and make the decision that is best for your well-being. Letting go of unhealthy attachments that hold you back may initially feel counterintuitive, but it is a necessary step one must take on the path to healing. When we have a deep emotional attachment to something, letting it go may feel terrifying, physically painful to the point where we may feel like we have just killed a part of ourselves.

But holding on to the things that hurt us will not heal us.

Healing for the scapegoat

Healing is not a destination; it’s a lifelong journey that starts with self-focus and self-care. It’s time to change your perspective and start acknowledging and validating your feelings, experiences, strength, and resilience. Acknowledge the toll that stress has taken on your body and make a firm commitment to prioritize yourself moving forward. Your emotional well-being should be regarded as an absolute priority, and your individuality deserves space to flourish without criticism, shame, or guilt for simply being yourself.

Understand that your boundaries, limits, preferences, and overall individuality are not flawed or oppositional. They only clash with the narcissistic parent’s unrealistic expectation that you should be their extension, rather than your authentic self.

The narrative created by the narcissistic parent, labeling you as ‘flawed, evil, and oppositional,’ is false. As you embark on your healing journey, you’ll begin to realize that many of the fears within you were instilled by the narcissistic parent. In truth, you are more than capable of breaking free from the false norms of the narcissistic family system. You can take those first steps by transforming fear into genuine curiosity about the world and yourself.

As you begin doing this, you will discover that within you lies untapped potential, waiting to be explored.

Celebrate your life and your worth, as your opinion and your well-being matter. You must begin to work on truly feeling this in your heart. You don’t need other people to validate your chosen goals, the veracity of your feelings, your discomforts, or your ability to reason. You don’t need permission to set boundaries, and you certainly do not owe anyone a relationship, except for the one that you develop with yourself.

Bring your focus towards creation, towards recreating yourself, and away from the destruction consistently being caused by the narcissist in your life.

It is important to understand that removing yourself from a toxic and hurtful situation is not selfish but rather a necessary step towards healing and peace. You have the power to take the steps towards healing. Your narcissistic family may have never taught you that you are worthy of love, and this is because in a narcissistic family system, poison is disguised as love.

Let go of the things that are not within your control, such as other people’s behaviors, other people’s unrealistic expectations, false responsibility, and guilt that is not your burden to carry. Focus on setting boundaries that protect your emotional safety and mental health, and you will begin to see progress in your healing journey. It is a slow process, but with patience, and lots of self care, you can bring yourself to a healthier place.

And when you feel self-doubt creeping in during those darkest times, repeat: ‘I love myself, I trust myself,’ over and over until it sinks in. This is the root where all things must begin. You must commence the process of giving yourself the unconditional love that your narcissistic parent prevented you from accessing for yourself.

Repeat, I love myself, I trust myself a million times if you have to, until that message really sinks in.

Love and trust yourself. It is about time you give yourself permission to do so.

Published on:

by Art Florentyna
Personal Development Coach

THE CONTENTS OF THIS WEBSITE ARE NOT MEANT TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP AND COUNSELING. THE READERS ARE DISCOURAGED FROM USING IT FOR DIAGNOSTIC OR THERAPEUTIC ENDS. THE DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER CAN ONLY BE DONE BY PROFESSIONALS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED AND QUALIFIED TO DO SO. THE AUTHOR IS NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.