I Can't Feel My Emotions: Alexithymia After Narcissistic Abuse

Published on: October 6, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Every child born into this world needs emotional security, attention, reassurance, and a sense of belonging. As they begin to take those first tentative steps into this vast world, they not only begin the process of exploring their external surroundings but also their complex and unique inner worlds. In a nurturing family, children are granted the freedom to embark on this journey within the protective embrace of their family.

A loving mother and/or father will provide reassurance to their child, letting them know that they are cherished as complete individuals for the positive and for the negative. They understand that making mistakes and stumbling are natural parts of growing up, and they affirm the child’s worth, offering love and acceptance for their true selves. A healthy parent will correct the child’s actions when they falter, while ensuring their well being and emotional safety.

In narcissistic family systems, the fundamental principles of nurturing children are perverted, inverted, and annihilated. The narcissistic parent demands and expects constant attention, craving to be at the center of the universe. Their self-centered world remains the only world that matters, their emotional rollercoaster the only one worth riding, and their life experiences the only ones of significance. They project their unmet needs, unrealistic expectations, desires, and wants onto their children, employing psychologically destructive tactics to enforce obedience and shape them into the mold they meticulously crafted.

When a child stumbles, makes mistakes, or, worse yet, begins to develop their own thoughts, preferences, dreams, and desires that deviate from the narcissist’s plan, love is withheld. This withholding often involves cruel tactics such as the silent treatment, instilling guilt within the child for their inability to pacify the narcissistic parent. Traumatic punishments frequently accompany the child’s natural emotional expression. A child with an adventurous spirit may be unjustly labeled as oppositional or of poor character, a label they may carry on their forehead for a lifetime. The narcissistic parent never acknowledges the existence of the child’s internal world, treating them merely as a puppet to be manipulated in accordance with their whims, leaving no room for individuality, personal growth, or development.

Enduring narcissistic abuse, childhood neglect or having to navigate the challenges of emotionally unstable, detached, or cold caregivers, can be just as, if not more, traumatizing than physical abuse.

As a result of this relational trauma, survivors often find their perception of the emotional world daunting. The relationship they develop with their own emotional inner world can take two distinct paths. In many cases, survivors of narcissistic parenting may immerse themselves too deeply in their emotional world, allowing their emotions to overpower logic, leaving them in a perpetual state of emotional chaos. Alternatively, survivors may experience a complete disconnect from their emotional world, rendering them unable to feel their own emotions altogether.

Why can’t I feel my emotions

Your difficulty in experiencing your emotions can be traced back to your upbringing in a dysfunctional family. In that environment, expressing your natural emotions often led to punishment, and you had to navigate the emotional turbulence or emotional neglect caused by a narcissistic parent. Consequently, you developed a coping mechanism of focusing on ’external facts,’ which seemed more stable and reliable on the surface.

This coping strategy helped you feel safer and regain a semblance of control in a world that often felt unstable and uncertain. However, it’s crucial to recognize that relying solely on this strategy is unsustainable. Unprocessed emotions tend to build up over time, manifesting in physical and neurological symptoms that may seem unrelated to their emotional origins. You might experience frequent headaches, persistent fatigue, and even panic attacks without a clear understanding of their root causes.

Your social interactions may come across as awkward. This is because you may not naturally express your feelings and emotions during occasions where such expressions are expected. Additionally, you may tend to lean heavily toward logic, which inadvertently might make others feel like you lack empathy or don’t connect with their innate human experiences. This tendency can contribute to social anxiety, making social gatherings less enjoyable for you.

In situations where you hope to receive comfort, you might appear unusually composed, missing out on the sympathy and empathy that others would typically receive. It’s crucial to recognize that this doesn’t mean you don’t experience emotions, especially not on a physiological level. You may still exhibit physical symptoms or even have distressing thoughts, but the root causes of your distress often remain beyond your conscious awareness.

Alexithymia

“Alexithymia” basically means having a hard time understanding and expressing your feelings.

Alexithymia is:

• Finding it really tough to figure out, connect with or talk about your emotions.
• Not being able to tell the difference between your feelings and the physical sensations that come with being emotional.
• Having trouble daydreaming or coming up with creative ideas. Instead, you tend to focus on practical, real-world stuff.
• Being really concerned about fitting in and not being very connected to your own thoughts and feelings.

Alexithymia within:

• Difficulty Identifying Feelings: You struggle to recognize and connect with your own emotions, often feeling emotionally blocked.
• Limited Emotional Nuance: You typically categorise your feelings in simplistic terms, such as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ ‘happy’ or ‘unhappy,’ without delving into finer emotional distinctions.
• Impaired Emotion Reading: You find it challenging to decipher the thoughts and feelings of others based on their body language and facial expressions.
• Emotional Isolation: In social interactions, you often feel disconnected from others, as if an emotional barrier separates you from them.
• Alienation from Body: You may experience unexplained physical symptoms resembling panic attacks, seemingly arising without a clear trigger.
• Emotional Outbursts: While you typically do not experience strong emotions, sudden episodes of overwhelming anxiety or rage can occur.
• Intimacy Challenges: Although you desire closeness with others, the prospect of forming deep relationships can be intimidating, making you feel like you’re losing control and venturing too far outside your comfort zone.
• Loss of Drive and Motivation: You struggle with procrastination at work and find little joy in hobbies. Each day may feel like a monotonous grind, and simply getting through the day can be difficult.
• Preference for Concrete Thinking: You tend to favor practical and concrete aspects of life over imaginative or fantastical elements.
• Identity Confusion: You may have a sense of confusion regarding your own identity and a lack of a clear self-concept.
• Feeling Empty and Disconnected: You often feel empty and detached, as if you are merely an observer of your own life. You recognize that you’re missing out on life experiences but struggle to find an alternative way to live.

Alexithymia Expressed:

• Blunted Facial Expressions: Your facial expressions often appear blank, and you may not exhibit appropriate smiles or frowns in socially expected situations.
• Difficulty Expressing Emotions: When attempting to convey your feelings, you may struggle to find the right words. If asked how you feel, you tend to respond with generic terms like ‘fine’ or ‘okay.’ Specific emotional articulation eludes you.
• Perceived Coldness: Others may perceive you as emotionally distant, leading to labels of arrogance or aloofness.
• Lack of Humor: Some people might view you as lacking a sense of humor or find it challenging to connect with you on a humorous level.
• Nervous Laughter: You may resort to nervous laughter to fill conversational gaps, as silence tends to make you uncomfortable.
• Communication Difficulties: Expressing your needs and desires can be a challenge, causing frustration in others who struggle to understand your intentions.
• Descriptive Speech: When speaking, you often provide exhaustive, factual details without conveying personal feelings. Your speech may come across as monotonous, dry, and difficult for others to follow.

Alexithymia in a Clinical Context

Alexithymia is not classified as an independent mental disorder. It was introduced into psychiatric terminology in 1976 by Dr. Peter E. Sifneos, a psychiatrist and professor emeritus of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Presently, there remains a paucity of comprehensive knowledge regarding its etiology and recommended therapeutic approaches.

Primary and Secondary Forms

Alexithymia can manifest in two distinct forms: primary and secondary.

A person can have primary (trait) alexithymia, secondary (state situational, temporary) alexithymia, or both.

Primary alexithymia (also referred to as trait alexithymia) is an innate, stable personality trait that is present from birth and consistent across time and situations. It is considered a part of a person’s baseline personality. Trait alexithymia likely has environmental and genetic components.

Secondary alexithymia (also referred to as state alexithymia) is temporary and/or situational alexithymia. State alexithymia often results from life circumstances or a recent medical diagnosis (for example, in the case of PTSD, a person may have a season of alexithymia).

Alexithymia can be perpetuated by the presence of a host of other conditions, such as;

• Obsessive-compulsive disorder
• Binge eating disorder
• Schizophrenia
• Substance abuse
• Childhood neglect and emotional abuse
• Life-altering illnesses
• Autism
• Depression

About Alexithymia and Early Childhood Emotional Abuse and Neglect

Alexithymia often results from a combination of biological and environmental factors. Some individuals may have an inherent predisposition to alexithymia, with environmental experiences triggering its manifestation.

From a developmental perspective, alexithymia frequently originates from interruptions in emotional growth during childhood. Parental factors play a significant role in this, including issues like parental depression, emotional detachment, or a fear of dealing with emotions. When parents are unable to acknowledge or express their emotions effectively, they may find it challenging to serve as role models for emotional literacy in their children. This lack of emotional guidance during crucial developmental stages can contribute to the development of alexithymia in individuals.

Emotional Suppression

Repeated experiences of belittlement, blame, or scapegoating for expressing natural emotions can significantly contribute to the development of alexithymia, particularly in sensitive and intense children. In such environments, the message conveyed is that expressing “inconvenient” emotions, such as disappointment or anger, results in rejection or punishment. In some households, even expressions of joy and excitement are discouraged, effectively stifling the natural exuberance of a child. These experiences of emotional suppression can have lasting effects on a child’s emotional development, potentially leading to alexithymia later in life.

Although emotional neglect was once believed to be the primary factor contributing to alexithymia, further research has revealed a strong association between this condition and a history of abuse. Consider a scenario, as one that you will find in a typical narcissistic family system, in which the expression of emotions results in punishment (unless it is the erratic expression of emotion by the narcissistic parent).

Over time, the survivor will adapt by suppressing their emotions to safeguard themselves. This will become a natural way of being.

Diagnosis and Assessment

Various questionnaires, such as the Toronto Alexithymia Scale 20 (TAS-20), are employed to assist clinicians and patients in identifying alexithymia. The TAS-20 is the most widely used tool for assessing alexithymia in adults, with a corresponding version available for children. In some cases, an MRI may be recommended following the initial assessment to evaluate potential damage to the insula region of the brain.

Getting Back in Touch With Your Inner-World

Alexithymia doesn’t indicate an absence of feelings or a cold, unemotional disposition. It doesn’t characterise you as a negative person or someone lacking in empathy. Rather, it represents an obstruction in your emotional connection and a type of emotional illiteracy.

A significant step in healing from Alexithymia is developing a language for your emotions, often referred to as “building emotional literacy.

The emotional wheel is a valuable tool for learning about emotions with varying degrees of complexity and nuance.

Connecting with Your Inner World

Various tools can help you establish a connection with your inner emotions.

• Expressive writing, practised daily, can enhance internal awareness and bridge the gap between emotions and words.
• Reading novels with personal narratives can break the monotony of emotional expression
• Expressive arts therapies such as art-making, dance, and music provide non-verbal avenues for self-expression.

Healing Through Reconnecting With Others

Healing from Alexithymia often takes place within the context of relationships, as the original wounds are typically rooted in relational experiences.

An empathetic friend or a therapist/coach can create a safe space for you, including your inner child, to experience and express emotions. Professionals can offer guidance, provide emotional vocabulary, and serve as role models for authentic emotional expressions when words fail.

However, if you have experienced a narcissistic family system and have been scapegoated, It’s essential to seek someone who comprehends the complexities of scapegoating and narcissistic family dynamics and who isn’t solely reliant on their professional title. Not all mental health professionals are well-versed in understanding narcissistic abuse and scapegoating, and occasionally, their advice may be counterproductive, like suggesting a return to a harmful dynamic just because it involves “family.”

Scapegoats aren’t always treated with the same empathy as victims of abuse from non-family members, and it’s crucial to be cautious in choosing a therapist or coach who won’t trigger feelings of false responsibility or guilt, inadvertently sending you back into a detrimental environment.

Having said that, the positive experiences gained through therapy can have a ripple effect, improving other aspects of your life, including friendships and intimate relationships.

The Potential for Change

Alexithymia is not a fixed condition; it can undergo a transformation. Beyond the surface of alexithymia often resides a deeply sensitive and empathetic essence. Emotional shutdown wasn’t a deliberate choice but rather a survival mechanism. As you embark on the journey to reclaim your emotional sensitivity and intensity, you can unlock a wellspring of vitality within yourself.

Published on: October 6, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach