Left Alone: The Devastating Trauma of Family Abandonment

Published on: February 23, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Experiencing abandonment from family is a deeply traumatic experience, compounding on already existing trauma and leaving lasting emotional scars that are difficult to heal.

This pain is particularly acute when the impact of a narcissistic parent on one’s mental health is downplayed, by “well meaning enablers” who have chosen to conform to a dysfunctional and toxic way of life.

Learn about how enablers are responsible for perpetuating abusive dynamics here.

The pain of being abandoned by family for the act of safeguarding one’s emotional safety, mental health, and well-being, after enduring years of scapegoating can be compounded by the stigma and shame surrounding estrangement. Society often places a great deal of emphasis on the importance of family ties, and those who choose to go no contact with family members can be harshly judged for their decision.

However, it is important to remember that going no contact with a narcissistic parent is not a decision that is made lightly. It is often the result of years of emotional and psychological abuse, and the decision to cut ties is a courageous act of self-preservation.

The Impact

The impact of growing up in a narcissistic family system can have far-reaching effects on a person’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships outside of the family unit. A child who has been the main target of a narcissistic parent may struggle with issues such as trust, intimacy, and vulnerability, which can make it difficult to connect with others on a deep level.

Children of narcissistic parents may have learned to suppress their own needs and emotions in order to avoid conflict or disapproval from their parent. As a result, they may struggle to identify and express their own feelings and needs in relationships. They may also struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Learn about the scapegoat’s learned false beliefs here.

In addition, a child who has grown up in a narcissistic family system may have difficulty trusting others, as they may have been conditioned to view others as potential threats or sources of harm. They may have also been taught that their own perceptions and experiences are not valid, which can make it difficult for them to trust their own instincts and judgments in relationships. Learn about gaslighting here.

The sense of deep loneliness that children of narcissistic parents may experience can stem from a feeling of not being truly seen or heard by others. They may feel like they have to hide their true selves in order to avoid rejection or disapproval from others, and may struggle to find others who can truly understand and empathize with their experiences.

Furthermore, the emotional wounds that are inflicted in a narcissistic family system can take time to heal. Even after a person has distanced themselves from their narcissistic parent, the effects of their upbringing may continue to impact their ability to form healthy relationships.

Healing from the aftermath of being scapegoated by a narcissistic family system is a gradual process that requires time and self-compassion.

In the aftermath of such traumatic experiences, it’s entirely normal to navigate through both good and challenging days, accompanied by a whirlwind of emotions—feelings of isolation, grief, confusion, and a sense of not belonging anywhere. While it’s true that you may not have found belonging in a family that was unhealthy for you, it doesn’t mean you won’t discover your clan elsewhere or that there is no place for you in the entire world. This belief is simply not true.

Recognizing that the culture of a narcissistic family system isn’t an absolute is a pivotal step. There exists a vast world beyond the confines of the dysfunctional rules imposed by that family.

Stepping into this unknown territory can indeed be intimidating, especially after navigating it alone for so long. Yet, summoning the courage to try new things and embrace the unknown can be transformative. It opens up possibilities for healing and introduces you to a broader world beyond the limited scope of the family bubble.

It’s essential to remember that family isn’t always defined by blood. As we focus on reshaping ourselves and our lives, patiently concentrating on personal development and shedding unhealthy coping mechanisms, we gradually distance ourselves from the persistent destruction of the past. This intentional shift in focus allows us to create a peaceful life for ourselves and paves the way for the eventual entry of new people into our lives. With time and dedication to personal growth, we replace destructive patterns with positive creation.

Focus on Creation

Direct your focus towards the path ahead, steering away from dwelling on the painful betrayals of the past. Acknowledge that you were betrayed; it wasn’t the other way around. No one deserves to endure suffering alone, and it’s unacceptable for trauma to be downplayed or dismissed to maintain the facade of a happy family. Explore reframing your false beliefs here.

Your narcissistic parent has consistently exhibited unhealthy and dysfunctional behaviors. Instead of addressing the real issues, blame was unjustly placed on your inability to tiptoe hard enough to avoid triggering their narcissistic rage. Furthermore, you were blamed for falling ill and being unable to perpetuate the happy facade as expected, “for the good of the family.”

This is far from normal, and you have every right to feel exactly as you do right now.

When looking ahead and finding your place after surviving such a traumatic betrayal by those who were supposed to love us the most, it may initially seem almost impossible. This difficulty can be heightened, particularly in social situations. The contrast between external happiness in social interactions and internal pain can make survivors feel lost, overwhelmed, and disconnected.

It’s a wise decision to redirect your focus toward self-recreation, empowering yourself to rebuild and redefine who you are. Consider what you truly want, how you envision your life, and how you can authentically live in alignment with your values and aspirations.

Here are some pointers to guide that can serve as guides in this process:

1. Create a Sacred Space:

   • Designate a physical or mental space solely for yourself, a sanctuary where you can find solace and reconnect with your inner self. Learn more about your sacred space here

2. Reconnect with Your Inner Child:

   • Rediscover the pure and authentic aspects of your personality by connecting with your inner child. Engage in activities that once brought you joy and curiosity. Learn more about the Inner child here.

3. Rediscover Likes and Dislikes

   • Take the time to explore and rediscover your preferences. What activities, hobbies, or interests resonate with you? Make a list and gradually reintegrate them into your life. Learn more about aligning your life style with your core values

4. Rediscover Suppressed Passions:

   • Identify passions that were stifled or discouraged in the past. Give yourself permission to pursue them now. Whether it’s art, music, writing, or any other creative outlet, let your passions flourish.

5. Explore New Interests:

   • Embrace the opportunity to try new things. Attend workshops, classes, or events that align with your current interests or that spark curiosity.

6. Get Familiar with your needs and wants:

   • Gain insights into your wants and needs, understanding the distinction between the two. Grant yourself the permission to fulfill your own needs, prioritizing self-care and authenticity in the process. Learn more about wants vs needs here

7. Therapy and Professional Support:

   • Seek therapy or counseling to navigate the emotional complexities of your past and present. Professional guidance can provide valuable insights and tools for your journey.

8. Set Boundaries with Toxic Individuals:

   • Recognize and distance yourself from toxic people. Establish firm boundaries to protect your newfound sense of self. Learn more about boundaries here

9. Mindful Self-Care:

   • Prioritize self-care in your routine. This includes nurturing your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Engage in activities that bring you peace and joy. Learn about cultivating happiness here

10. Journaling and Reflection:

    • Journal your thoughts, feelings, and discoveries. Reflect on your progress, setbacks, and aspirations. Journaling can be a powerful tool for self-awareness.

Published on: February 23, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach