Moving On with Acceptance: Finding Closure After Being Discarded

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Narcissists love conditionally, meaning that they “will love” a person based on what they can offer them, rather than on who they are as individuals. It is not uncommon for narcissists to discard their partners and even their own children if they do not serve them as they want to be served.
Hoover and discard
The Hoover Discard Cycle is a pattern of behavior often exhibited by narcissists, in which they repeatedly cycle through phases of idealization, devaluation, and discarding their partners. Like a Hoover vacuum cleaner, the narcissist attempts to “suck” their partner back into the relationship during the hoover phase.
During the idealization phase, the narcissist may shower their partner with affection, attention, and compliments. They may appear charming, romantic, and attentive, and may make their partner feel like they are the center of the narcissist’s world.
During the devaluation phase, the narcissist may suddenly become critical, judgmental, and dismissive of their partner. They may become emotionally distant, aloof, and unresponsive, and may make their partner feel like they are constantly walking on eggshells.
During the discard phase, the narcissist may abruptly end the relationship, leaving their partner feeling confused, hurt, and abandoned. The narcissist may completely cut off contact, or may give their partner false hope of reconciliation, only to disappear again.
After being discarded by a narcissist, it is common to experience a range of emotions, such as shock, sadness, anger, and disbelief. It can be difficult to understand why the relationship ended and to make sense of the conflicting messages the narcissist may have given.
The Hoover Discard Cycle is a pattern of behavior that is unlikely to change, and it is not healthy to continue to engage with a narcissistic partner who exhibits this behavior. While it can be painful to end a relationship, it may ultimately be the best decision for your emotional well-being and long-term happiness.
Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship
Toxic relationships can take many different forms and can be difficult to recognize, particularly if you are emotionally invested in the relationship. Here are some signs that may indicate a toxic relationship:
Lack of respect: A toxic relationship may involve a lack of respect for your boundaries, feelings, or opinions. Your partner may belittle or dismiss your thoughts and feelings, or fail to show consideration for your needs.
Manipulation: A toxic partner may use manipulation tactics to control or coerce you, such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or threatening to leave if you don’t comply with their demands.
Lack of trust: A toxic relationship may involve a lack of trust, with one or both partners constantly questioning each other’s motives or intentions.
Jealousy: A toxic partner may become overly jealous or possessive, trying to control who you see, talk to, or spend time with.
Constant criticism: A toxic partner may constantly criticize you, making you feel like you are not good enough or that you can never do anything right.
Isolation: A toxic partner may try to isolate you from your friends and family, making it harder for you to seek support or leave the relationship.
Lack of communication: A toxic relationship may involve a lack of communication, with one or both partners shutting down or refusing to discuss important issues.
Physical or emotional abuse: A toxic relationship may involve physical or emotional abuse, such as hitting, pushing, or yelling.
Power imbalance: A toxic relationship may involve a power imbalance, with one partner having more control or authority than the other.
Unequal effort: A toxic relationship may involve one partner putting in all the effort to maintain the relationship, while the other partner takes them for granted or fails to reciprocate.
Learn about healthy relationship growth here.
Confusion, the clearest sign of all
Confusion about your relationship is a big red flag. When you are in a healthy relationship, you should feel comfortable and secure in your communication with the other person. If you are constantly confused about what they are saying or what they want, it can be a sign that the relationship is not meeting your needs and that there are deeper issues at play.
Communication is a two-way street and both partners need to be willing to engage in open and honest dialogue in order for the relationship to thrive healthily.
Confusion can also be a sign of gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which one partner manipulates the other into doubting their own perceptions and reality. This can lead to a sense of confusion and self-doubt, as the victim begins to question their own experiences and feelings. Learn about un-gaslighting yourself here.
In some cases, confusion may also be a sign that the relationship is not meeting your needs or that you are not being treated with respect and kindness. For example, if your partner is constantly changing their mind, breaking promises, or behaving in an unpredictable manner, it can be difficult to feel secure and confident in the relationship.
Patterns don’t lie
While words and feelings can be deceiving and easily manipulated, patterns are more difficult to change and don’t lie. History often repeats itself, so looking for patterns in behavior can provide valuable insights into what to expect in the future.
For example, if your partner has a history of abruptly ending relationships without explanation, there is a possibility that this pattern may continue in your relationship. Similarly, if you have a parent who regularly gives you the silent treatment when displeased, discards you, and then gaslights you during the hoovering stage, rewriting history by saying that you are the one who abandoned them (while they where giving you the silent treatment), this may be a toxic and repetitive pattern that is unlikely to change no matter how much you try to improve yourself.
Learn more about covert narcissism here
It’s important to pay attention to patterns rather than just words or feelings. If a person consistently prioritizes their own needs above yours or has a tendency to engage in controlling or manipulative behavior, it’s crucial to take note of these patterns and consider how you feel about your place in the relationship.
Patterns don’t lie, and history tends to repeat itself.
Write it all down
Document everything to keep yourself grounded.
Surviving narcissistic abuse can be an incredibly challenging and traumatic experience. One of the most difficult aspects of it is the lack of closure that victims often face. Narcissists are known for their manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse, which can leave victims feeling confused, disoriented, and questioning their reality. Victims may struggle to make sense of what happened and may find it hard to understand how they fell into the trap of a narcissistic relationship in the first place.
One powerful tool that can help survivors of narcissistic abuse is journaling.
When you keep a record of your experiences, you can always go back in time and validate the reality of the situation, without allowing the narcissist’s manipulation tactics to cast doubt on your own judgment or experiences.
Writing about one’s experiences can be a cathartic and validating process that allows victims to untangle the mess that the narcissistic abuse has left behind. Journaling provides a safe space for victims to express their thoughts, emotions, and memories without fear of judgment or invalidation from others. It allows them to reflect on their experiences, gain clarity, and process their feelings in a healthy way.
Writing about one’s experiences can also be a step towards healing and recovery. It can help survivors process their emotions, gain clarity, and make sense of the chaos that often accompanies narcissistic abuse.
Moving forward
- Allow yourself to feel your emotions: It’s okay to feel hurt, angry, or sad after being discarded. Allow yourself to feel these emotions, acknowledge them, and give yourself time to process them. Learn about emotions here
- Focus on the present moment: Try to avoid dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Instead, focus on the present moment and what you can do to take care of yourself in the here and now. Breathing and mindfulness techniques here
- Practice self-care: Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. This may mean getting enough rest, eating well, exercising, spending time with loved ones, or seeking professional help if needed. Learn about fulfilling your own needs here.
- Create a support system: Surround yourself with people who love and support you. This may mean reaching out to friends, family, or a therapist for support.
- Set clear boundaries and prioritize your own needs and wellbeing. This may mean limiting contact or cutting off communication altogether. Lean about boundaries here.
Remember that being discarded is not personal and does not reflect who you are as a person. In fact, it can often be a reflection of the other person’s issues, rather than anything you have done or not done.
You are worthy of love and respect, and your self-worth is not tied to the opinions or actions of others.

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THE CONTENTS OF THIS WEBSITE ARE NOT MEANT TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP AND COUNSELING. THE READERS ARE DISCOURAGED FROM USING IT FOR DIAGNOSTIC OR THERAPEUTIC ENDS. THE DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER CAN ONLY BE DONE BY PROFESSIONALS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED AND QUALIFIED TO DO SO. THE AUTHOR IS NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.