Narcissistic Manipulative Inconsistency and the Confusion it Instills Within the Scapegoat

Published on: August 10, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Within the framework of a narcissistic family dynamic, manipulative inconsistency represents a destructive strategy frequently employed by a parent or caregiver exhibiting narcissistic tendencies. It involves the deliberate creation of a false narrative about themselves to exert control or influence over others. As an illustration, a narcissist might portray themselves as a caring and empathetic humanitarian, despite their real actions being abusive and neglectful, especially towards their designated scapegoated child.

This behavior can be extremely confusing and frustrating for the recipient, who is constantly shamed and guilt tricked into believing in a false reality where the manipulator imposes their own false perception of themselves as caring and good, especially when it suits them, yet behaves completely in the opposite manner when things get difficult or when they feel like their authority is challenged in some way. The manipulator lives in a fantasy version of who they are and how they behave, and expects the child, their source of supply, to conform to that perception.

For example, a parent may profess love for their child and convey concern and care, but when the child genuinely requires their support, they exhibit no empathy, dismiss their child’s emotions as trivial cries for attention, they may even punish and blame the child for situations that were not in their control, and regard their typical parental duties as onerous burdens that ‘hinder’ their lifestyles.

The manipulator lives in a fantasy version of reality, and expects their child to conform to their distorted perceptions of the world.

Manipulative inconsistency often ingrains a damaging set of limiting beliefs within the scapegoated individual. The victim is led to internalize a distorted worldview where their self-worth becomes entangled with the manipulator’s false narrative. They might begin to believe that they are unworthy of genuine care and attention, as the manipulator’s actions consistently undermine their emotional needs. They may also grow up to carry the burdens of false responsibility and toxic guilt on their shoulders.

The scapegoat may develop a skewed understanding of what constitutes healthy relationships and interactions. The manipulator’s contradictory behavior teaches them that expressions of love and concern are merely tools for manipulation, leading to skepticism and mistrust in future relationships. This can hinder their ability to form authentic connections and leave them vulnerable to further exploitation.

Moreover, the constant gaslighting and distortion of reality can foster a sense of powerlessness and self-doubt within the scapegoat. They may internalize the belief that their own perceptions and feelings are unreliable, further deepening their psychological entrapment. This internal struggle can erode their self-confidence and self-esteem, making it challenging for them to assert their needs or stand up against mistreatment in the future.

Healthy Parenting: A Reference

Emotional Nurturing

Emotional well-being is a priority for healthy parents. They are attuned to their children’s emotional needs and provide comfort and reassurance when necessary. Children are taught emotional intelligence and how to manage their feelings.

Encouragement of Independence

While providing a secure foundation, healthy parents also encourage their children’s independence. They empower children to make age-appropriate decisions, fostering self-confidence and self-reliance.

Positive Role Modeling

Healthy parents lead by example. They exhibit the values, behaviors, and traits they wish to instill in their children. They are mindful of their actions and recognize their influence on their children.

Resolution of Conflict

In every family, conflicts arise, but in healthy families, they are resolved through constructive communication and conflict resolution skills.

Support and Involvement

Healthy parents are actively involved in their children’s lives. They attend important events, engage in their children’s interests, and offer guidance on life challenges. This involvement strengthens the parent-child bond and demonstrates their unwavering support.

Healthy parenting provides children with the foundation they need to flourish into well-adjusted, confident, and empathetic individuals. It equips them with the tools to navigate life’s ups and downs, build meaningful relationships, and face challenges with resilience.

The Importance of Journaling

To ground yourself and see the truth, consider keeping a journal where you meticulously record the narcissist’s inconsistent behavior and interactions. This journal can serve as a powerful tool to validate your experiences and perceptions, helping you break free from the web of manipulation.

In your journal, document specific instances of the narcissist’s contradictory words and actions. Include dates, times, locations, and any relevant details. Describe how their behavior made you feel, and note any patterns you begin to notice over time. This process can be empowering, as it allows you to objectively observe their manipulation and provides tangible evidence of their inconsistencies.

As you write, remind yourself that this journal is not a tool for revenge or confrontation, but rather a means of self-validation and clarity. Reading through your entries can help you see the stark contrast between their words and actions, reinforcing your understanding of the manipulative tactics they employ.

In addition to recording their behavior, use your journal as a safe space to explore your emotions, thoughts, and reactions. Write about how their actions have affected you and your self-esteem. This practice can help you process your feelings, gain insight into your emotional responses, and gradually detach from the hold their manipulation has on your psyche.

Awareness, Healing, and Seeking Support

Understanding that the actions of narcissists are a manifestation of their personal issues and insecurities, and not a valid reflection of your self-worth or reality, is a fundamental step on your journey to healing. This realization is the key to freeing yourself from the emotional manipulation that has held you captive for so long.

As you embark on your path to self-awareness and personal growth, it’s essential to focus on nurturing your own well-being. This involves:

1. Personal Growth: Concentrate on your own growth and self-improvement. Explore your interests, develop your strengths, and work towards becoming the best version of yourself. This journey is about rediscovering your authentic self, unburdened by the false narratives imposed by narcissists.
2. Nurturing Positive Relationships: Cultivate healthy, positive relationships with people who support and understand you. These individuals will play a crucial role in your healing process by providing the love and validation you deserve.
3. Distancing from False Narratives: Step away from the distorted narrative constructed by narcissists. Recognize that their version of reality is a reflection of their own issues and insecurities. By creating space between yourself and their narrative, you make room for a reality that aligns with your true worth and potential.
4. Shaping Your Identity: Remember that you possess the power to shape your own identity and define your future. This journey is about reclaiming your self-worth, inner strength, and resilience. You are not defined by the false perceptions and judgments imposed on you.

Seek support from sources outside the narcissistic environment. A support network may offer you a safe space away from the toxicity you’ve endured and can provide guidance, empathy, and stability.

Published on: August 10, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach