Navigating Anger After Being Scapegoated by a Narcissistic Family System

Published on: July 10, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Being the scapegoat in a narcissistic family means enduring constant and undeserved anger from the narcissistic parent. You bear the unfair brunt of someone else’s emotional instability, becoming the main outlet for their emotional eruptions.

In the same breath, when faced with setbacks and feeling anger for valid reasons—like being unjustly blamed and targeted within the family due to another person’s emotional volatility and unpredictable behavior—you’re unjustly branded as evil, flawed, or having a terrible character. This only exacerbates the disparity in fairness and acknowledgment of your feelings and experiences within your own home.

The Weaponized Rage: How Narcissists Use Anger in the Home

Anger is a natural human emotion, but within the confines of a narcissistic family dynamic, it takes on a twisted and destructive form. Here, a narcissist’s anger becomes a weapon, a tool for control and manipulation, often used to deflect from their own insecurities.

Narcissists avoid confronting their own emotions and vulnerabilities. Instead of acknowledging and processing their anger in a healthy manner, they suppress it, pushing it down and refusing to address the underlying issues. This suppression serves to protect their self-image as strong and infallible, but it also creates a volatile emotional environment where anger can bubble up unexpectedly.

Triggers

For a narcissist, anger can erupt seemingly out of nowhere, triggered by the most trivial events. A misplaced spoon, a difference in opinion, or even a perceived slight can ignite a fiery rage. However, this anger is rarely about the situation itself. It’s often a projection of their own internal struggles, anxieties, or feelings of inadequacy.

Projections

The hallmark of a narcissist is their inability to take responsibility for their own shortcomings. Instead, they project their negative emotions onto others, particularly those closest to them. This is where the scapegoat, often a child or spouse, becomes the target. The narcissist blames the scapegoat for their own anger, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. The scapegoat, confused and defensive, might react in anger, further reinforcing the narcissist’s narrative.

The Cycles of Abuse

The narcissist’s projected anger creates a chaotic and unpredictable environment. The scapegoat walks on eggshells, constantly fearing the next outburst. This fear can manifest as anxiety, self-doubt, and a distorted sense of self-worth. The narcissist thrives on this dynamic, feeding off the emotional turmoil they’ve created.

Examples:

• A narcissistic parent criticizes their child’s performance in school, projecting their own feelings of inadequacy about their parenting.
• A narcissistic spouse explodes in anger when their partner expresses a different opinion, framing the partner as “argumentative” to deflect from their own need for control.

Understanding Anger

Dr. Paul Ekman is a renowned psychologist known for his work on emotions, facial expressions, and deception detection. He has extensively studied emotions, including anger, and has identified several key components and characteristics associated with this emotion.

Dr. Ekman believes that anger is a universal emotion that serves an evolutionary purpose. It can signal to others that a boundary has been crossed or a need is not being met.

According to Dr. Ekman, there are three primary types of anger:

1. Irritable Anger: This type of anger is triggered by frustration or annoyance. It can be short-lived and is often a response to minor irritations or inconveniences.
2. Indignation: Indignation is a response to a perceived injustice or unfair treatment. It is a more intense form of anger and can be directed toward others or situations that are seen as unjust.
3. Annoyance: Annoyance is a milder form of anger that arises from feeling bothered or irritated by something or someone. It is less intense than the other types of anger and often dissipates quickly.

About the scapegoats over reactive fight or flight response

Common Anger Triggers

Anger can arise from various triggers, and each person may have their own individual hot buttons. Here are some common anger triggers (Dr. Paul Ekman) :

• Injustice
• Interference: If the interference is intentional, it can intensify anger, and you may even direct anger towards yourself for being unable to remove the obstacle.
• Someone attempting to harm us or a loved one physically or psychologically
• Another person’s anger: One of the challenges with anger is that it is challenging not to reciprocate when confronted with someone else’s anger.
• Betrayal, abandonment, or rejection
• Observing someone breaking the law or a cultural rule, such as cutting in line.

Processing Anger

It is perfectly valid for you to feel anger for having been robbed of your right to having a healthy, loving, and safe family.

Allowing yourself to feel and express anger is an important step towards healing. Anger is a natural and healthy emotion in response to being mistreated, and it can be a powerful motivator for change. By acknowledging and expressing your anger, you are acknowledging that you deserve better. You are acknowledging that mistreatment is not acceptable.

Furthermore, anger can help you establish healthy boundaries and assert your needs and wants. It be a catalyst for action. It can motivate you to watch your own behavior and ensure that you never become like your narcissistic parent, make changes in your life, and empower you to take control of your circumstances. It is important to note that expressing anger in a healthy way does not mean being aggressive or violent towards others. It means acknowledging and processing your emotions in a way that allows you to move forward positively and constructively.

Use your anger as a motivator for change. Recognize that you have the power to break free from the cycle of guilt and shame that the narcissistic family system has instilled in you. Use your anger to challenge the false beliefs that you’ve been taught, and to redefine your sense of self-worth and value.

Do not personalize and internalize other people’s behavior

In managing anger, it is essential to change the narrative we tell ourselves about the situation. One helpful mindset shift is recognizing that the behavior of others towards us is not a reflection of our worth or character. It is about them and their own world. Their actions and behaviors are a product of their own internal experiences and struggles. By understanding how projections work, we can separate ourselves from their behavior and avoid internalizing it.

Projections occur when individuals unconsciously attribute their internal emotions, beliefs, or unresolved issues onto others or the external environment. This process allows them to displace their own discomfort onto someone else, often without awareness of doing so.

By reminding ourselves that someone else’s negative behaviors are not about us personally, we can detach from the emotional impact and avoid taking things too personally. This mindset shift allows us to digest and process other people’s behavior without internalizing it. It empowers us to maintain a healthy sense of self and not let the projections of others define our worth or affect our emotional well-being.

You are colliding with their world.

Self-Reflection

When you experience anger, especially intense anger, take a moment to ground yourself. Try some deep breathing exercises or take a short walk. Once you feel calmer, consider using self-reflection as a tool for gaining a deeper understanding of your emotions. Journaling can be a helpful way to explore these questions:

• How does this current situation remind me of past experiences as the family scapegoat?
• What unresolved emotions am I carrying from those experiences?
• How have those experiences shaped my perception of anger and its expression?
• How can I find healthier ways to manage and express my anger in the present?

By taking this time for self-reflection, you can develop greater self-awareness and gain insights into the reasons behind your intense emotional reactions. This awareness can empower you to make conscious choices in how you respond to anger triggers and work towards healing and personal growth. Remember, revisiting past experiences can be emotionally challenging. Be patient and compassionate with yourself throughout this process. If you find it overwhelming, consider seeking support from a therapist who can guide you through this journey.

Published on: July 10, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach