Overcoming Shame for Scapegoats

Published on: July 12, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Understanding Shame

Shame for a scapegoat in a narcissistic family dynamic is often profound and pervasive. The scapegoat is consistently blamed for family issues, criticized, and invalidated, leading them to internalize a sense of unworthiness, guilt, and inferiority.

This deep-rooted shame can manifest in various ways:

1. Identity Crisis: The scapegoat may struggle with their sense of self-worth and identity. They may feel as if something is inherently wrong with them, leading to low self-esteem and self-doubt.
2. Self-Blame: Due to the consistent blame they receive, scapegoats often internalize this blame, feeling responsible for the family’s dysfunction and conflicts. This can lead to feelings of guilt and a constant need to apologize.
3. Fear of Rejection: The shame experienced by the scapegoat may lead them to fear rejection or abandonment in other relationships. They may feel unworthy of love and belonging, expecting others to reject them as their family did.
4. Perfectionism: In an attempt to gain approval and validation, scapegoats may develop perfectionistic tendencies. They may feel that if they can just be “good enough,” they will finally be accepted and loved.
5. Avoidance of Vulnerability: To protect themselves from further shame and criticism, scapegoats may avoid showing vulnerability or expressing their true feelings and needs. This can lead to emotional suppression and difficulty in forming genuine connections with others.
6. Negative Self-Image: The constant criticism and invalidation can result in a negative self-image. Scapegoats may view themselves as flawed, unlovable, and deserving of mistreatment.
7. Isolation: The shame and stigma associated with being the family scapegoat can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. Scapegoats may withdraw from social interactions, believing that others will also reject and criticize them.
8. Depression and Anxiety: The cumulative effects of shame, blame, and emotional abuse can contribute to the development of depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues.

The experience of shame in scapegoats often develops during their developmental years through the dysfunctional dynamics present within the narcissistic family system. These dynamics are characterized by emotional manipulation, blame-shifting, and invalidation, which contribute to the deep-seated feelings of shame and unworthiness that many scapegoats carry into adulthood.

Early Childhood: Formation of Shame

During early childhood, when children are forming their sense of self and identity, scapegoats in narcissistic families often receive inconsistent and contradictory messages from their caregivers. While they may be praised and idealized at times, they are also frequently criticized, blamed, and invalidated. This inconsistency creates confusion and undermines the child’s developing self-esteem.

The narcissistic parent’s need for control and validation often leads them to project their own insecurities and shortcomings onto the scapegoat. They may scapegoat the child as a way to deflect blame, preserve their self-image, and maintain their position of power within the family.

As a result, the child internalizes these negative messages, believing that they are fundamentally flawed or unworthy of love and acceptance. This internalized shame becomes a core part of their identity, shaping their beliefs about themselves and their place in the world.

Middle Childhood: Reinforcement of Shame

As scapegoats grow older and become more independent, the narcissistic parent’s tactics may become more overt and aggressive. The child’s natural curiosity, assertiveness, and desire for autonomy are often met with hostility, criticism, and punishment.

The narcissistic parent may employ gaslighting techniques to distort the child’s reality, making them question their perceptions, feelings, and experiences. This gaslighting serves to further erode the child’s self-confidence and reinforce their feelings of shame and self-doubt.

Additionally, the scapegoat may be compared unfavorably to siblings or peers, further amplifying their sense of inadequacy and inferiority. This constant comparison and competition create a toxic environment where the child feels perpetually judged and found lacking.

Adolescence: Deepening of Shame

During adolescence, as scapegoats begin to form their own identities and assert their independence, the narcissistic parent’s control becomes increasingly threatened. This often results in intensified efforts to undermine the scapegoat’s confidence and autonomy.

The narcissistic parent may employ tactics such as belittling, humiliation, and emotional manipulation to keep the scapegoat in a state of dependency and subservience. These tactics serve to deepen the scapegoat’s feelings of shame and reinforce their belief that they are unworthy of love, respect, and validation.

Adulthood: Internalization of Shame

By the time scapegoats reach adulthood, the shame instilled in them during their formative years has become deeply internalized. They may struggle with chronic low self-esteem, self-doubt, and a pervasive sense of inadequacy.

These feelings of shame can impact every aspect of their lives, from their relationships and career to their mental and physical health. Scapegoats may find themselves trapped in cycles of self-sabotage, seeking validation and approval from others, or avoiding intimacy and vulnerability out of fear of rejection and criticism.

Strategies for Processing Shame:

Become the observer of your emotional experiences

You are not shame itself, but rather, you experience the feeling of shame. By practising mindfulness and developing the ability to recognize the physical sensations associated with shame, you can learn to observe it without fully identifying with it.

Mindfulness involves cultivating non-judgmental awareness of the present moment, including your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations. When feelings of shame arise, instead of becoming completely consumed by them, mindfulness allows you to create space and distance between yourself and the emotion.

Through mindfulness, you can develop the capacity to observe the sensations and thoughts associated with shame without being overwhelmed by them. By adopting a curious and compassionate attitude towards your experience, you can gain a deeper understanding of the shame you are feeling.

This process of observation and detachment can help you realise that shame is not your core identity or an inherent part of who you are. It is an emotion that arises in certain situations, often influenced by external factors such as the dysfunctional family system.

As you practise mindfulness and observe shame without full identification, you can begin to develop a sense of empowerment and choice. You can choose how to respond to shame, rather than automatically being driven by it. This awareness opens up the possibility of responding to shame with self-compassion, understanding, and self-acceptance.

Remember, you are not defined by shame. You are a complex and unique individual who experiences a range of emotions, including shame. Through mindfulness and observation, you can cultivate a healthier relationship with shame and ultimately free yourself from its grip.

Challenge your shame based limiting beliefs

When challenging shame-based beliefs, we must examine the core beliefs that are deeply rooted in shame and question their validity. These beliefs often revolve around feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and being fundamentally flawed.

To challenge these shame-based beliefs, it’s important to counteract negative self-perceptions with affirmations and self-compassionate statements. Engage in self-reflection and question the evidence supporting these beliefs. Look for counterexamples that contradict these negative self-perceptions and remind yourself of your positive qualities, strengths, and accomplishments.

Body Posture

Be mindful of your body posture, as the body and mind are interconnected. The way you hold yourself physically can influence your mental and emotional state. When you consciously work on improving your posture, it can have a positive impact on how you experience shame.

When shame arises, it often manifests as a contraction or collapse in the body. You might find yourself slumping, avoiding eye contact, or hunching your shoulders. These physical expressions of shame can reinforce the negative emotions you’re feeling.

By being aware of your body posture and intentionally adjusting it, you can create a shift in your mental and emotional state. Straightening your spine, lifting your head, and opening your chest can help you feel more confident, grounded, and empowered.

Mindfulness Questions for Processing Shame

Mindfulness practices can help you acknowledge and process shame with greater self-compassion. Here are some questions to guide you:

Bringing Awareness to Shame:

1. What physical sensations do I experience when I feel shame? 
2. What are the thoughts or beliefs associated with this shame? How can I challenge these thoughts?
3. Where in my body do I locate this feeling of shame? 
4. What can I do to take care of myself right now?

Published on: July 12, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach