Personal Development for Scapegoats: The Rules of Better Living

Published on: July 7, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Accepting Yourself as a Whole Self

Growing up in a narcissistic family system conditioned you to suppress your true self, with your personality and character unfairly criticized and used against you. However, on your healing journey, you must first and foremost strive to remember that you are not their projections, and you are not responsible for the dysfunction within your family.

Healthy families do not scapegoat their members. The behavior of your family speaks volumes about their twisted mentality, one that refuses to heal, change, address the real issues, and be held accountable for scapegoating their own blood.

Scapegoating is their way of avoiding addressing the real issues. And this cannot be your problem anymore.

The truth is that you do not have to change anything about yourself in order to experience peace, have healthy loving relationships in your life, and live a fulfilling life. What you need to change is the relationship that you have with yourself.

You are unique and beautiful just as you are. No one is born perfect, and it is precisely your imperfections that make you uniquely you. Embrace the process of self-acceptance and get stubborn with it. Let go of the need for others’ approval and unlock your true potential for genuine personal growth. Be unapologetically yourself and live life on your own terms.

See: How to think of your situation when you are the family scapegoat

Letting Go of the Past and Others’ Choices

One of the significant challenges faced by scapegoats healing from narcissistic family systems is the struggle to release the grip of things beyond their control. The past cannot be changed, and dwelling on it will not aid in moving forward. People can’t be changed, and trying to change them will not help you either. It will only hurt you. It is natural to desire respect for our boundaries from our families, but ultimately, we can only uphold those boundaries for ourselves.

How they choose to react is a reflection of their values and dare I say, their dysfunctional ways.

Recognizing that we cannot control the actions or reactions of others is essential. Instead, our focus should be centered around us pressing forward and bringing ourselves to where we want to be, as well as maintaining our boundaries while relinquishing the need for external validation or acceptance.

Mindfulness question

What am I currently focusing on? Is my attention fixated on external events, other people’s behavior, or uncontrollable outcomes? What would it look like for me if I brought my attention to myself, focusing on the things I can do to enhance my quality of life, and embracing the aspects within my control? How can this shift in focus contribute to my overall well-being and inner peace?

Taking Responsibility

True healing begins when we recognize that we have the power to shape our own lives. Taking responsibility for our growth and development empowers us to make the necessary changes and progress on our chosen path. It involves acknowledging that we have control over our own choices and responses, and that we are not defined by the actions or opinions of others.

Mindfulness question

How am I taking responsibility for my own growth and development? Am I acknowledging my control over my choices and responses, and am I letting go of the need to be defined by the actions or opinions of others? What steps can I take today to embrace this responsibility and become an active participant in my healing and personal transformation?

Breaking Self-Destructive Patterns

Scapegoats in narcissistic family systems may inadvertently develop self-destructive patterns as coping mechanisms. These patterns can manifest in various forms, such as addiction, self-sabotaging behaviors, or harmful relationships. To break free from these patterns, it is essential to cultivate self-awareness and recognize when we are engaging in behaviors that undermine our well-being.

Mindfulness question

What self-destructive patterns am I currently aware of in my life? How do these patterns manifest, and what triggers them? Am I actively seeking support and guidance to break free from these behaviors? What healthier coping mechanisms and self-care practices can I adopt to replace these patterns with constructive habits and promote lasting personal transformation?

Practicing Self-Forgiveness

No one is immune to making mistakes. We all start off with limited knowledge and understanding. It is important to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made and the wrong paths you may have taken. Take responsibility for what you can amend, learn from those experiences, and move forward on a corrected path.

Scapegoats often carry heavy burdens of guilt and shame, even though they are not responsible for the dysfunctional dynamics within their families. In our healing process, practicing self-forgiveness is essential. This means embracing self-compassion and recognizing that making mistakes is a natural part of being human. Understand that your upbringing and environment played a role in shaping you, but they do not define your worth or where you are going.

Mindfulness question

How am I practicing self-forgiveness in my life? Am I able to acknowledge and accept my mistakes as a natural part of being human? What steps can I take to embrace self-compassion and release the burdens of guilt and shame that I may be carrying? How can cultivating self-forgiveness contribute to my healing process and help me recognize my inherent worth and value?

Seeking Authentic Understanding

It is important to recognize that expecting understanding from those who lack self-awareness or are trapped in their own limitations can lead to disappointment. Instead, we should seek out people who have a deeper understanding of themselves and possess the capacity for empathy and genuine connection. Surrounding ourselves with people who can truly comprehend our experiences and support our healing journey can provide the validation and understanding we need.

Mindfulness question

Am I seeking authentic understanding and connection in my relationships? Am I surrounding myself with individuals who have self-awareness, empathy, and the capacity for genuine connection? How can I cultivate relationships that support my healing journey and provide the validation and understanding I seek? What steps can I take to foster deeper connections with those who truly comprehend my experiences?

Balancing Immediate Wants and Essential Needs

In our quest for personal growth and fulfillment, it is important to strike a balance between our immediate wants and our essential needs. Prioritizing short-term desires over long-term well-being can hinder our progress and happiness. By cultivating self-discipline and aligning our actions with our core values and long-term goals, we can make choices that lead to sustainable and fulfilling happiness. This involves recognizing when our immediate wants may conflict with our essential needs, and making conscious decisions that prioritize our overall well-being and growth.

Mindfulness question

How am I balancing my immediate wants with my essential needs in pursuit of personal growth and fulfillment? Am I aligning my actions with my core values and long-term goals? What steps can I take to cultivate self-discipline and make conscious decisions that prioritize my overall well-being and growth? How can I ensure that I’m not sacrificing long-term happiness for short-term gratification?

Confronting Fear and Embracing Growth

When you strive to move forward, try something new, or challenge yourself, you might often feel a strong pull in the opposite direction, like a magnetic force pulling you backwards. This is your inner saboteur trying to hold you back. I understand that going against this pull is incredibly difficult, as our instincts scream for us to return to the familiar. However, the familiar is not where growth and healing reside. True growth and healing occur when you make the courageous decision to step out of your comfort zone, pushing yourself beyond the perceived limitations you have set for yourself. You may be surprised at how resilient you truly are.

Mindfulness question

How am I confronting my fears and embracing growth in my life? Am I aware of the pull from my inner saboteur that tries to hold me back? What steps can I take to step out of my comfort zone and push beyond the limitations I’ve set for myself? How can I cultivate courage and resilience to face uncomfortable situations head-on and unlock my true potential for transformative self-improvement?

Embracing Emotional Resilience

True emotional resilience involves acknowledging and accepting the full spectrum of human emotions. Demanding constant happiness and denying the validity of sad or difficult days limits our emotional growth and resilience. It is essential to allow ourselves to experience the range of emotions that arise naturally, processing them in healthy ways. By embracing the ebb and flow of emotions, we cultivate emotional well-being and develop the strength and resilience to navigate life’s ups and downs with grace and authenticity.

Mindfulness question

How am I embracing emotional resilience in my life? Am I allowing myself to experience the full spectrum of emotions without judgment or suppression? What healthy outlets do I have for processing and expressing my emotions?

Published on: July 7, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach