Relationship Red Flags: Recognize Them as Exit Signs and Not as Challenges

Published on: June 8, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Red flags should never be seen as mere challenges or obstacles; instead, they should serve as a compelling reason to pause, reflect, and evaluate whether a person’s behavior aligns with their stated intentions.

Carl Jung’s famous quote, “You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do,” emphasizes the importance of actions over words.

How someone communicates with you, treats you, and makes you feel, particularly when their behavior leads to confusion due to inconsistency, becomes the most trustworthy indicator of their true nature.

Always remember that when a person’s words contradict their actual behavior, it is called: manipulation.

It is not your responsibility to fix or change a person, and you have no control over altering their fundamental behaviors. Recognizing and acknowledging the significance of these red flags is vital to protect yourself and ensure that you are not investing your time and energy into a toxic relationship that will harm you in the long run.

Manipulative behavior rarely begins in an obvious and overt manner. Instead, it tends to be subtle, gradually permeating the cracks in the relationship and poisoning it slowly, often without your awareness of what is unfolding. These subtle infiltrations should serve as cues for you to pause, reflect, and trust your instincts, even if you have doubts. In such instances, it becomes crucial to prioritize logical assessment over the desire to give your heart to someone and hope for reciprocal affection. Taking the time to assess the situation is essential for safeguarding your own well-being.

Having said all that, let’s take a look at the flags that should be treated as stop signs.

Isolation: Where did everyone go?

Isolation often begins gradually and can easily go unnoticed during its early stages. It starts off as a yellow flag, disguised with a smile and seemingly good intentions towards you. Phrases like “I care about keeping you safe” or “I’m worried they will try to break us up” may be used to justify isolating you from friends and loved ones. However, it is crucial to recognize that isolation is indeed a red flag that should never be dismissed.

Controlling behavior may initially present itself as compliments and praise, creating a false sense of security. Unfortunately, as time goes on, these seemingly positive gestures can transform into subtle criticisms and manipulative attempts to gain control over you. The manipulator may subtly express disapproval of your personal style, dislike your friends, find flaws in your family, or consistently portray your environment and interests in a negative light. Initially, it can be challenging to recognize and accept these warning signs, especially when the person has presented themselves as trustworthy and kind-hearted.

Isolation is a tactic often used by abusers to gain power and control over their victims. By gradually cutting off your connections, they diminish your support system and create dependency on them. It can be emotionally and psychologically damaging, leading to feelings of loneliness, helplessness, and even a distorted perception of reality.

“I want you to think how I think, and feel how I feel. How you feel or think is beneath the grand scheme of things.”

Gaslighting is a dangerous red flag that involves manipulating the victim by denying their reality.

This is done in a very subtle manner at first, as the manipulator slowly starts to erode your ability to trust your own feelings and emotions. They use your love and affection against you, making you feel guilty or ashamed for how you feel, or for who you are, dismissing your emotions as foolish and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

“You don’t understand…but I do. I’ll take the lead now, so be quiet.”

They may belittle you and label you as overly sensitive, flawed, dumb, incapable, stupidly clumsy, irrational, dramatic, and slowly but surely you will begin to doubt your own ability to reason, make your own decisions without needing that person’s validation or approval first.

Gaslighters exert control over your perception of reality by dictating what you should feel and think. They deny events that have occurred, twist the truth, and reshape the narrative to suit their own agenda. Engaging in gaslighting indicates that they prioritize their own need to be right over the health of the relationship and your emotional well-being.

Once this pattern establishes itself comfortably in a relationship, they will shift blame onto you no matter what happens, no matter what they do, no matter the situation….It will always be your fault and they will always have a way of twisting reality to make it look that way.

For instance, they may say things like “I cheated on you because you made me,” “I didn’t show up when you needed me because you prevented me from doing so,” or “I reacted that way because you provoked me.” They will consistently avoid acknowledging their own actions and instead play the victim, distorting narratives to suit their intentions.

“My love for you will vary according to my moods and how well you can “fix me” when I am upset.”

Observing a person’s consistency towards you is a huge indicator.

Love is consistent. Period.

A person who shows love and kindness on their good days but expects you to endure their anger and tiptoe around their triggers on their bad days, without making an effort to work on their empathy towards you or considering how they may be impacting you, displays a crucial red flag. Similarly, a person who will give you a huge amount of attention one moment but completely disappear from your life the next is once again an indicator of inconsistency. This behavior signifies an inability to emotionally connect with you because true emotional connection is not dependent on a particular mood but is achieved through consistent respect and consideration for your well-being. Paying attention to how a person treats you when they are under pressure provides a significant indication of whether or not this person is healthy for you.

If someone consistently fails to understand or consider your feelings, it reveals a lack of empathy and compassion for you, which are essential aspects of any healthy relationship. They may struggle to regulate their own emotions, making it challenging for them to understand the impact they have on your emotional and psychological well-being. It’s important to note that the responsibility for their emotional regulation lies with them, and they need to choose to work on it and take responsibility for their behavior.

While it is normal and healthy to allow oneself to feel emotions, it is not okay to project them onto others or make others responsible for fixing us or making us feel better. True love does not create an atmosphere of fear, where everyone must tiptoe around the other person out of fear of triggering their anger. Mind reading and constraining another person’s freedom because it might trigger negative emotions is not a healthy expectation in a relationship.

Remember, you deserve to be with someone who consistently loves and respects you, regardless of their own mood swings or fluctuations. Trust your instincts and prioritize your emotional well-being.

“Oh, I get it, you don’t love me. If you loved me, you would do as I say.”

Identifying passive-aggressive behavior is essential in recognizing a person’s inability to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner. When someone consistently resorts to passive-aggressive tactics during times of conflict, it signifies their unwillingness to effectively address serious matters. Instead, they rely on manipulative mind games to silence you, undermine your position, and avoid taking responsibility.

These tactics may include the silent treatment, stonewalling, sarcasm, hurtful comments, and playing the victim card. It becomes clear that accountability is elusive when dealing with such behavior, as they will always shift blame onto others, regardless of their actual involvement in the situation.

Attempting to change someone’s victim mentality is an uphill battle, as your efforts will only provide them with more ammunition to justify their actions. Ultimately, it is their personal choice to break free from these manipulative tactics and assume responsibility for their behavior and life choices.

In a healthy relationship, conflicts are addressed openly and honestly, with a willingness to find mutually beneficial solutions. Both partners take responsibility for their actions and communicate their needs and concerns in a respectful manner.

Creating an invisible prison

Lack of trust, jealousy, and possessiveness are indeed significant red flags in a relationship. Trust forms the foundation of a healthy partnership, and its absence can lead to toxicity and unhappiness. Jealousy and possessiveness indicate insecurities and a lack of emotional maturity.

When trust is lacking, controlling behavior often emerges. This behavior can manifest in various ways, such as expressing concerns about how others will react to your choices, accusing you of neglecting them when pursuing personal happiness, or feeling threatened by your personal growth and success. Such behavior restricts personal growth, inhibits learning, and prevents new experiences. It creates a stagnant environment where both individuals are unable to freely express their true selves and live authentically.

Lack of trust creates an invisible prison of the mind, limiting one’s ability to fully embrace personal freedom and independence. It hinders personal development and stifles the potential for a fulfilling and evolving relationship.

In a healthy relationship, trust is nurtured through open communication, mutual respect, and the belief in each other’s integrity. Both partners should support each other’s individual growth and celebrate each other’s accomplishments. Building trust takes time and effort from both parties, and it requires a foundation of honesty, transparency, and consistent actions that align with shared values and commitments.

When consumed by infatuation, you are highly vulnerable and prone to overlooking those red flags.

Remaining attentive to red flags, particularly when you are in love, and prioritizing logical thinking over emotional impulses will guide you towards a safer path.

Understanding the significance of boundaries is essential, as they act as your protective armor, enabling you to discern healthy individuals from those who are toxic and detrimental to your well-being. An emotionally balanced and respectful person will honor your boundaries because they understand that they are not a reflection of your love for them but rather a validation of your individuality. Boundaries define your preferences, dislikes, comforts, and discomforts, serving as important guidelines in any relationship.

Conversely, an unhealthy individual may perceive your boundaries as an attack or insult to their own sense of self. They may view your boundaries as obstacles that prevent them from having control over you and behaving in ways that they desire, without considering how their actions impact you. They will make you feel like your boundaries are hurting an otherwise “great relationship”.

A person who is emotionally healthy and respectful will never pressure you into uncomfortable situations or coerce you to abandon your boundaries. They understand and respect that boundaries are integral to defining a person’s individuality. An unhealthy individual will disregard your boundaries. When you assert your boundaries, they may choose to abruptly end the relationship and move on or resort to manipulative tactics such as guilt-tripping, attacking your character, employing silent treatments, or even lovebombing you to exploit your vulnerabilities and draw you back in.

Prioritize your well-being and consider whether the relationship is truly supportive, respectful, and conducive to your personal growth and happiness no matter how infatuated you are with a person. Your future self will thank you for this.

Published on: June 8, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach