Shattered by a Narcissistic Parent: A Scapegoated Child's Struggle for Identity

Published on: March 7, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

The idea that one member of a family, the scapegoat, is solely responsible for the family’s issues and must change their “flawed character” in order to resolve dysfunction is a manipulation tactic used by emotionally dysregulated narcissistic individuals.

The narcissistic family system is a dysfunctional system in which the scapegoat is often made to hold a variety of detrimental beliefs that are reinforced through the use of manipulative inconsistency, guilt and shame. The scapegoat is left to bear the burden of these harmful beliefs and the emotional fallout that results from them.

The Beliefs of the Scapegoat in a Narcissistic Family System

The Scapegoat: Perceived as a Problem

The scapegoat may be manipulated into believing that they are the cause of the family’s problems and that their behavior or character traits are the reason for the dysfunction or the abuse they endure. They may be told that they are overly sensitive, emotional, or problematic and that they need to change in order to fix the family. They may also be made to believe that they didn’t try hard enough to avoid being targeted by the abuser. The other family members may use the “good side” of the abuser to excuse the abuse and shift the blame onto the scapegoat’s reactions, rather than taking responsibility for the abuser’s actions. This can lead to feelings of guilt, self-blame, and internalizing the abuse.

The Isolation of the Scapegoat

The scapegoat in a narcissistic family dynamic may be led to believe that they have no support and that no one will believe, love, or understand them. The narcissist may repeatedly tell them that they are unlovable, bad, disgusting, ungrateful, and crazy, and that they should be grateful for the presence of their family despite their perceived shortcomings. They may be cut off from extended family, friends, and other support systems, as the narcissist may smear their reputation and further shame them socially. The scapegoat may feel as if they are facing their struggles alone.

The Basic Needs of the Scapegoat: Treated as Privileges Rather Than Rights

The scapegoat may be made to believe that they are responsible for fulfilling the emotional needs of the narcissistic parent, often at the expense of their own well-being. This can involve being forced into roles that are not appropriate for their age or emotional maturity, such as caretaker, therapist, confidante, or even surrogate partner, without receiving any emotional support for their own struggles in return. As a result, the scapegoat may struggle emotionally and may not have the resources to cope with the demands placed on them by the narcissistic parent.

The Perceived Weakness of the Scapegoat

The scapegoat may be made to believe that they are inadequate, weak, and unable to achieve their aspirations. They may be constantly told by the narcissist that they are not capable of handling life’s challenges and that they can only survive with the narcissist’s “help” and “guidance”, even though this “guidance” is often self-serving and hinders their growth and development.

Love and affection may be withheld through emotionally abusive tactics such as the silent treatment, and the scapegoat may be made to feel guilty for pursuing goals that do not align with the narcissist’s approval or expectations. These false feelings of inadequacy and inability are chronically reinforced by the narcissistic parent, through criticism, manipulation, and gaslighting, when the scapegoat makes legitimate mistakes or fails a particular task in their initial attempts to pursue their goals. This can lead the scapegoat to internalize these negative beliefs about themselves and to develop a low self-esteem, self-doubt and to give up on their dreams, aspirations, and goals.

The Scapegoat: Perceived as Guilty

The scapegoat may be made to believe that they are responsible for upsetting the narcissist, even when they have done nothing wrong. They may be gaslighted and manipulated into questioning their own perception of reality and their own innocence. This manipulation tactics by the narcissist can be very effective as it can make the scapegoat doubt their own memories, thoughts, and feelings, and they may start to believe that they are the cause of the problems in the family. This can lead the scapegoat to accept blame for things they did not do, and to take responsibility for the narcissist’s behavior, which is not their responsibility.

The Scapegoat: The Perception of Inadequacy

The scapegoat may be made to believe that they are not good enough and that they can never measure up to the standards set by the family. They may be constantly criticized, belittled, and made to feel like the inferior family member who just can’t get with the program like everyone else. The narcissist may make them feel inadequate by comparing them to other family members or to an idealized version of themselves. They may be made to believe that they will never be as successful, smart, attractive, or talented as others. This constant criticism can lead the scapegoat to internalize these negative beliefs about themselves and to develop a low self-esteem. They may begin to believe that they are not worthy of love, respect, or success, and they may struggle to achieve their goals and to be happy. They may also develop feelings of inadequacy and inferiority that can linger long after they leave the narcissistic family system.

These beliefs are not truths

If you’re going through this, it’s essential to recognize that these beliefs imposed on you by a narcissistic family system are not truths about who you are. These beliefs are manipulative tactics used to maintain control and power over you.

Here are some affirmations and reflections that might help:

• You are not responsible for the dysfunction in your family. Each person is responsible for their own actions and feelings.
• You are worthy of love, respect, and understanding. Your worth is intrinsic and does not depend on meeting impossible standards set by others.
• You are not alone. There are people who will believe, support, and understand you. Seek out supportive communities, therapists, or friends who can validate your experiences.
• Your feelings are valid. Trust your feelings and perceptions. Gaslighting and manipulation can distort your reality, but your feelings are real and deserve acknowledgment.
• You have the right to set boundaries. It’s okay to protect yourself from emotional harm by setting limits on interactions with family members who continue to invalidate or manipulate you.
• You are capable and resilient. Despite the challenges you’ve faced, you have the strength and resilience to heal, grow, and create a fulfilling life for yourself.
• It’s okay to seek help. Find a support system that is right for you.

Learn more about manipulative inconsistency here

Learn more about the narcissistic family system here

Published on: March 7, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach