Should You Speak Your Mind When a Relationship Doesn't Feel Good? Life After Scapegoating

Published on: February 14, 2024

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

While effective and assertive communication are indeed invaluable, especially for those important relationship-building conversations aimed at resolving issues and preventing the unhealthy bottling up of emotions, this is not a one size fits all solution. Sometimes, it’s best to safeguard yourself, establish strong emotional boundaries, disclose minimal personal information, and detach from the person in question.

So, How Can We Determine the Right Approach?

Something that isn’t always discussed is that there are circumstances under which speaking up, even if done according to the rules, simply doesn’t change the outcome of a toxic relationship.

Even carefully constructed “I” statements, waiting for the right time, focusing on actions rather than attacking the person, and so on, will not produce the desired outcome.

This is because sometimes the problem isn’t rooted in how you deliver the information but in the other person’s ability or lack thereof to listen.

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Is this a safe person for you?

Think about what the person is doing to you, not what you wish they could do or not do anymore.

Recognizing that perfection is unattainable and that misunderstandings can occur without malicious intent, it’s remains important to identify markers that ground us during emotional turbulence and help us spot patterns of toxicity in relationships that jeopardize our emotional, psychological, and physical well-being.

There is no point in going back and forth in endless loops with a person who has shown you time and again that they are not safe for you. If you are dealing with someone who consistently uses your vulnerabilities against you, who is very much centered around their own world, and who does not see you as an equal, then it may be time to slowly fade away and no longer provide them with any information about yourself.

Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have identified and categorized certain behaviors as “safe” or “unsafe".

• Unsafe people think they have it all together instead of admitting weakness.

An unsafe person may avoid acknowledging their struggles or challenges, projecting an image of perfection even when facing difficulties in their personal or professional life.

• Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual. (Legalism)

They may adhere strictly to religious rules and rituals, emphasizing legalistic practices rather than embodying a genuine, compassionate, and open-minded spirituality.

• Unsafe people defend themselves when confronted instead of being open to feedback and understanding their own faults and mistakes.

When criticized or confronted, an unsafe person may become defensive, deflecting blame onto others rather than reflecting on their actions and seeking personal growth.

• Unsafe people are self-righteous or falsely humble instead of being genuinely humble.

An unsafe person may either display a sense of superiority, believing they are always right, or feign humility without truly recognizing and addressing their flaws.

• Unsafe people rarely apologize and own their actions, but when they do, the apology is not followed by a change in behavior.

Even if they apologize, unsafe individuals often fail to demonstrate true remorse through changed behavior, repeating the same harmful patterns.

• Unsafe people go to great lengths to avoid looking at (much less working on) their problems.

They might use distractions, denial, or escapism to evade facing their issues and taking the necessary steps to address them.

• Unsafe people demand trust instead of understanding trust is earned.

They may expect trust without demonstrating trustworthy behavior, failing to recognize that trust is built over time through consistent honesty and reliability.

• Unsafe people do not admit fault and will make statements such as “I am sorry you feel that way” or any other form of an apology that does not contain a confession of their fault.

Instead of acknowledging their wrongdoing, they may offer apologies that shift the blame onto the other person’s emotions, avoiding personal responsibility.

• Unsafe people blame others and work hard to assign blame to their situations instead of owning their responsibilities in the matter.

They often deflect blame onto external factors or other people, avoiding accountability for their actions or decisions.

• Unsafe people lie and manipulate. They aren’t honest about a myriad of things.

They might use deceit or manipulation to control situations or people, undermining trust through dishonesty.

• Unsafe people are stagnant and show little to no signs of growth.

They resist personal development and positive change, remaining stuck in destructive patterns without a willingness to evolve.

• Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting.

They may go through cycles of maintaining emotional distance, resisting intimacy and genuine connection, making it challenging to establish meaningful, reliable and emotionally safe relationships.

• Unsafe people are only concerned about the “I” rather than the “we.” Even when expressing empathy, they will say things like, “I feel so bad about your loss” instead of “You must be in so much pain after your loss.”

Their focus is predominantly on themselves, even in empathetic moments, lacking a genuine understanding and acknowledgment of others’ experiences and emotions.

• Unsafe people resist the freedom associated with healthy boundaries instead of encouraging it. They have an unhealthy relationship with your “no” responses and often violate boundaries.

They may push against established boundaries, disregarding personal limits, and making it difficult to assert oneself or maintain a healthy sense of autonomy.

• Unsafe people only flatter and never confront, or only confront and never flatter. The balance between the two is nonexistent in unsafe people.

They struggle to strike a balance between offering genuine compliments and constructive criticism, often leaning heavily towards one extreme, either excessive flattery or constant confrontation.

• Unsafe people condemn us instead of covering our faults with grace or forgiveness. They will say things aloud like, “Of course, you made a mistake, what else is new?” or “You didn’t know that?” often repeated more than once to exploit weakness.

They might harshly criticize mistakes without offering understanding, forgiveness, or support, intensifying feelings of inadequacy.

• Unsafe people stay in parent/child (superior, inferior) roles instead of relating as equals. They will often want to parent you and then suddenly revert to childlike states in unhealthy extremes. Everyone has this trait to a certain degree, but unsafe people polarize in this department.

They may exhibit an imbalanced dynamic, either excessively nurturing or expecting excessive care, rather than fostering relationships based on equality and mutual respect.

• Unsafe people are unstable over time. A season of instability is normal, but when a person seems to have chronic instability, that is a red flag.

Chronic inconsistency in behavior, emotions, or decision-making signals a deeper issue, posing a red flag for the overall stability of the person.

• Unsafe people influence us negatively. We often leave interactions with them feeling bad, but unsure why. They bring out the worst in us instead of promoting and inspiring our good qualities.

Interactions with unsafe individuals consistently result in negative feelings, as they tend to amplify negative aspects rather than fostering personal growth and positivity.

• Unsafe people talk about others negatively when they are not around. We can be sure that we aren’t so special that we are excluded from their gossip. When a person assassinates another person’s character, name-calls, or shares private information about others, this is a sign of relational manipulation common in unsafe people.

They engage in gossip, character assassination, or the sharing of private information about others, creating an atmosphere of distrust and manipulation in relationships.

Some additional points that I would like to add:

• Unsafe people tend to be habitually contrary, consistently offering smarter, better, or wiser responses that negate what you are saying. This habitual disagreement makes it challenging to feel secure and hinders meaningful, substantive conversations.
• Unsafe people often fail to validate your feelings, experiences, and pain if it doesn’t align with their own worldview, expectations, or self-centered perspective. In their “me world,” if they don’t personally feel it, it’s dismissed as non-existent, accompanied by dismissive statements like, “You’re so emotional,” “It’s not a big deal, get over it,” or “Stop crying.”
• The “anger first, questions later” reaction. We often find ourselves needing to defend ourselves for no real reason as we are arguing with another person’s imagined negative perceptions, accusations and imagined scenarios that frankly don’t exist. This is exhausting and quite frankly pointless when it becomes a pattern.
• Confusion in a relationship is often a red flag in itself. A healthy relationship is characterized by clarity, stability, and the absence of emotional roller coasters. In a well-functioning partnership, open communication fosters understanding, and both individuals feel secure and supported. When confusion becomes a recurring theme, it may indicate a deeper issue, such as gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where one person seeks to undermine the other’s perception of reality, leading them to doubt their own feelings, thoughts, and experiences. It can erode trust and create a power imbalance within the relationship, making it essential to address and seek support if gaslighting behaviors are present.
• Toxic Unhealthy People Bring Out the Worst in You, Not the Best. At the end of the day, ask yourself, who are you when you’re around that person? And as you think of your answer, you may realize that fading away may be your best option to avoid diving further into a relationship that isn’t healthy for you.

Yes, They Are Toxic. What Do I Do Now?

Navigating this situation may demand considerable restraint on your part initially, but I advocate for a strategy I term a “quiet fade-out.” While honesty is a fundamental aspect of my character, there are instances where executing a gradual retreat is the optimal choice. By adopting a composed stance and disengaging, refraining from providing them with any ammunition for attack, you pave the way for a serene fade-out. Maintain amicable interactions if encountered through mutual connections or family gatherings, but subsequently resume a stance of complete detachment by ignoring and removing them from your life.

1. Gradual Disengagement: Slowly reduce contact by politely declining invitations, prioritize your plans, and establish clear boundaries. This approach minimizes potential conflict and protects you from unnecessary drama.
2. Limited Contact: If complete cut-off isn’t possible due to shared social circles or obligations, minimize interaction and maintain polite but neutral communication. Avoid engaging in personal conversations or gossip.
3. Gray Rocking: Adopt the gray rock method, which entails becoming emotionally unresponsive and uninteresting to the toxic individual. Minimize emotional engagement and respond with neutral, monotonous answers to avoid triggering emotional reactions.
4. Do Not Talk Behind Their Back: Resist the temptation to gossip or speak negatively about the person. Maintain a higher standard in your communication to preserve your own integrity.
5. Focus on Yourself and Activities That Bring You Happiness: Shift your attention to personal growth, self-care, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. This redirection helps build a more fulfilling life independent of the toxic relationship.

Remember that we get attached to people because of those good moments that are key to forming bonds. However, in toxic relationships, those good key moments are not representative of the relationship as a whole.

Offering an explanation is a privilege you may extend at your discretion, not a right others are entitled to receive.

Published on: February 14, 2024

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach