Silence is Compliance: Discerning the Deceit of Secretly Unsafe People for Scapegoats
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In dysfunctional families, an unspoken rule often prevails:
“If we don’t speak about it, it never happened”
Scapegoated survivors may frequently find themselves in a state of profound confusion. They grapple with questions about who they can truly trust, who genuinely cares about their well-being, and how to establish the necessary boundaries to protect themselves from further harm. In doing so, they may also contend with overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame.
At the core of this profound confusion lies a recurring narrative. The one perpetuated by those within the family system who have chosen to address the situation through silence and an approach of ‘fair’ neutrality.
Learn about narcissistic family systems here
The silence of those who choose not to intervene or validate the survivor’s experiences with an abusive family member, often a parent who consistently targets them, may convey a message that the victim is responsible for the discord within the family or that their decision to set boundaries is unwarranted.
The “fair” neutrality can further deepen the survivor’s sense of isolation and betrayal, as they grapple not only with the abuse itself but also with the lack of support or acknowledgment from those they trusted.
As a result, the unintended consequence of severing family ties becomes a painful reality for many survivors. The process of safeguarding one’s mental health and emotional safety can lead to a profound reevaluation of relationships, sometimes necessitating a difficult decision to distance oneself from the entire family structure.
The Thin Line Between Neutrality and Avoidance
Neutrality in the face of abuse is essentially taking a stance with the abuser.
The scapegoat, in reality, becomes a symbolic repository for the narcissistic family member’s emotional baggage. The conflicts and criticisms directed at the scapegoat are often disproportionate and unfounded, driven more by the parent’s internal turmoil than any actual shortcomings of the child. This dynamic not only perpetuates a cycle of emotional abuse but also hinders the scapegoat’s ability to form a healthy self-image and navigate relationships outside the family system.
When enablers within a family prioritize ‘keeping the peace’ by keeping a neutral stance within such dynamics, the reality is that their inaction and silence contribute to enabling and validating the abuser, making them complicit in the harm inflicted upon the scapegoat.
The neutrality of enablers not only perpetuates the abuse but also sends a distressing message to the scapegoat: that their suffering is inconsequential and unworthy of acknowledgment. The scapegoat often feels forsaken by their own family, left to face the abuse alone.
The truth is that a stance of silence, and neutrality is yet another way for everyone to avoid dealing with the real problems, leaving the scapegoat to fend for themselves.
Moving away from unhealthy circles, and towards self acceptance and self compassion
Recognizing unhealthy relationships and the toll they take on mental and emotional health becomes a pivotal moment. It’s a realization that holding onto these relationships, no matter how ingrained they are, can be more damaging than liberating. Sometimes, the most courageous act is to acknowledge that it’s okay to step away from toxic ties, prioritizing one’s mental health and emotional safety above all else.
1. Reflect on Past Interactions: Take time to reflect on your interactions with others, observing recurring patterns. Notice consistent support versus sudden changes, genuine concern versus dismissal, and empathy versus blame. If individuals habitually deflect responsibility for abusive situations onto your character or trivialize your experiences, it may indicate their prioritization of self-interest over your well-being. More about enablers
2. Identify Safe Traits: Recognize the traits of safe people– those who actively listen, understand your experiences, respect boundaries, and maintain consistency. Safe people contribute to a nurturing and supportive environment, fostering healing and growth. Learn about safe vs unsafe people here
3. Seek Professional Guidance: Engage with a therapist, counselor, or coach specializing in narcissistic family dynamics. Professional guidance can aid in rebuilding healthy relationships while establishing boundaries with individuals who pose a threat to your well-being.
4. Expand Your Knowledge: Educate yourself about narcissistic abuse and its enduring effects. Knowledge empowers you to protect yourself from future harm, providing a foundation for informed decisions and self-advocacy. Learn about Narcissistic family systems here
5. Journaling: Incorporate regular journaling into your self-care routine. Documenting your thoughts and feelings can be a therapeutic outlet, providing clarity and insight into your emotions. It serves as a powerful tool for self-reflection and a tangible record of your personal growth journey.
6. Find your safe spaces: Identify environments or activities where you feel secure, understood, and free from judgment. These spaces can be physical locations, hobbies, or communities where you can express yourself authentically and find refuge from the challenges of dealing with narcissistic dynamics. Whether it’s a quiet corner in a park, a creative workshop, or an online forum dedicated to healing, these safe spaces can offer solace and rejuvenation, helping you recharge and maintain your well-being.
7. Build a Support Network: Connect with friends, support groups, or online communities of fellow survivors. Sharing your experiences fosters validation, understanding, and a sense of belonging, reinforcing your journey toward healing.
8. Learn to say no: Understand that boundaries are not supposed to be a source of conflict but a vital tool that defines your individuality. Healthy people will respect your boundaries, while those with self-serving needs will not. Learn more about boundaries here
9. Trust Your Intuition: Develop trust in your instincts and intuition. Your gut feeling is a valuable guide in assessing people and situations, helping you navigate relationships more authentically and safely. Learn more about Gaslighting here
10. Practice Patience: Recognize that healing and rebuilding after surviving a narcissistic family system take time. Be patient with yourself. The journey toward healthier relationships and self-discovery is a gradual process, and every step forward is a testament to your strength and resilience.
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THE CONTENTS OF THIS WEBSITE ARE NOT MEANT TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP AND COUNSELING. THE READERS ARE DISCOURAGED FROM USING IT FOR DIAGNOSTIC OR THERAPEUTIC ENDS. THE DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER CAN ONLY BE DONE BY PROFESSIONALS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED AND QUALIFIED TO DO SO. THE AUTHOR IS NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.