The Narcissistic Family System Leverages the ‘Good Times’ to Invalidate the Scapegoat's Trauma

Published on: July 4, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

In a narcissistic family system, fleeting positive moments, the “good times,” favors, and breadcrumbs of love that occasionally emerge amidst the extremely volatile and dysfunctional tone behind closed doors, can be twisted to invalidate the scapegoat’s experiences and further solidify their position within the family.

Learn more about narcissistic family systems here

Here’s how it unfolds:

Selective Memory and Revisionist History:

Narcissists often rewrite history to fit their narrative. Happy family memories become the predominant story, while the scapegoat’s experiences of abuse are minimized or dismissed entirely. Phrases like “They have always loved and cared for you, you don’t know how much they worry about you when you’re not there, they show love in their own way,” or “You must be misremembering,” become weapons used to gaslight the scapegoat and make them question their own reality.

Trivializing the Scapegoat’s Pain:

During “good times,” the antagonist or the enabling family members may use this as an opportunity to downplay the scapegoat’s experiences and reinforce an alternate reality. They might say things like, “Get over it, everyone has a bad childhood,” or “You’re being dramatic, it wasn’t that bad.” This dismisses the scapegoat’s trauma and invalidates their emotional wounds.

Positive Reinforcement for the Narcissist:

“Good times” often revolve around the narcissist. They might be the center of attention, cracking jokes and holding court. This reinforces their inflated sense of self-importance and portrays them as the source of happiness within the family.

The Scapegoat: The Party Pooper:

If the scapegoat expresses any negativity or mentions past abuse during these “good times,” they might be labeled a “party pooper” or accused of ruining the mood. This further isolates the scapegoat and discourages them from speaking their truth.

Divide and Conquer:

The narcissist might use “good times” to create a sense of camaraderie with the other family members, excluding the scapegoat. This reinforces a feeling of “us vs. them” and isolates the scapegoat further.

The Implied Threat:

By portraying the “good times” as fragile and easily disrupted by the scapegoat’s negativity, the narcissist creates an unspoken threat. The scapegoat is conditioned to believe that if they speak up about the abuse, they will destroy the family’s happiness.

Defining Toxic Guilt:

Toxic guilt is a deep and widespread emotional state where individuals feel an overpowering sense of responsibility or remorse for circumstances beyond their control. Within narcissistic family systems, this guilt is often deliberately cultivated to exert control over specific family members, especially the scapegoat. It serves as a powerful tool used by the narcissistic individual to keep the scapegoat emotionally entangled.

Defining Euphoric Recall:

Euphoric recall, on the flip side, is a psychological mechanism where individuals selectively remember positive or idealized aspects of past events while downplaying or ignoring the negative aspects. In narcissistic family systems, the narcissistic family member employs euphoric recall to distort the reality of family dynamics. By highlighting positive memories, they seek to rewrite the narrative, creating a skewed perception that minimizes their own toxic behaviors and the impact on the scapegoat.

The Nexus of Toxic Guilt and Euphoric Recall in Narcissistic Families:

In the narcissistic family system, the interplay between toxic guilt and euphoric recall becomes a powerful tool for dodging responsibility and perpetuating a toxic cycle. The narcissistic family member intentionally fosters toxic guilt within the scapegoat, making them constantly feel responsible for the family’s dysfunction. Concurrently, euphoric recall is employed to spotlight positive interactions, creating a distorted narrative that justifies and downplays abusive behavior.

First and foremost, consider refraining from trying to persuade narcissistic family members to see the truth. Especially if you’ve tried countless times to communicate, set limits, and boundaries, only to be consistently shamed. The patterns are likely to repeat, and if guilt and shame accompany your attempts to distance yourself, the cycle may persist. If they choose to believe the good times outweigh your trauma, it’s a prioritization of their needs over yours. No matter your communication skills, they may cling to justifications due to cognitive dissonance.

Recognize that you can’t fix this situation alone. Introspection and change must come from within each individual, and if they opt not to address the issues, convincing them otherwise may be futile. Validation is important for healing, but you may not find it from the source of your pain. The truth is, they likely know, on some level, what they’ve done. The issue lies in their choice to do nothing. It’s a difficult truth to accept, but a necessary step to move forward.

Journaling for Clarity

Narcissistic family dynamics are often riddled with contradictions. There can be fleeting moments of connection and apparent happiness that overshadow the reality of abuse and manipulation. Euphoric recall, the tendency to remember the “good times” more vividly, can trick you into believing the dysfunction wasn’t that bad. Toxic guilt, instilled by the narcissist, can make you feel responsible for the family’s problems. Journaling can be a powerful tool to gain clarity on these issues. Here are some prompts to get you started:

Euphoric Recall:

• Describe a specific memory of a happy moment with your family. What details stand out to you?
• How do you feel when you recall this memory?
• Were there any underlying tensions or unspoken rules present during this time?
• Consider the context surrounding this memory. Were there periods of negativity or abuse before or after this event?
• How does focusing solely on this memory impact your perception of the overall family dynamic?

Toxic Guilt:

• Think about a situation where you felt guilty within the family. What happened?
• What emotions did you experience (fear, sadness, anger)?
• Were you encouraged to feel guilty by a specific family member’s words or actions?
• Did you have any control over the situation you felt guilty about?
• How does this guilt impact your sense of self-worth?
• Challenge the guilt. Would you hold someone else you care about to the same standard you’re holding yourself to?

Mindfulness prompts:

• When you find yourself dwelling on positive memories or feeling overwhelmed by guilt, take a few deep breaths and focus on the present moment. What sights, sounds, and smells are you experiencing right now?
• Notice any physical sensations in your body. Are you tense or relaxed?
• Acknowledge your emotions without judgment. It’s okay to feel happy about a good memory, or guilty about a past situation.
• Remind yourself that the past does not define you. You have the power to choose how you respond to these emotions moving forward.

Journaling with these prompts can help you separate genuine positive memories from euphoric recall, and challenge the manipulative guilt instilled by the narcissist. By acknowledging both positive and negative experiences, you gain a more balanced perspective on your family history. Remember, the goal is not to erase the good times completely, but to recognize them within the context of the larger dynamic. This newfound clarity empowers you to move forward with a healthier understanding of your past.

Published on: July 4, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach