The Path to Overcoming Self-Sabotage for Scapegoated Survivors
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Every single scapegoated survivor I’ve encountered in my coaching practice has, without exception, a deeply distorted view and relationship with themselves.
And this is, in my view, the crux of the issue. It’s essential to recognize, in a visceral sense, that you are not the problem; you are not flawed, and there is nothing inherently wrong with you. The real challenge lies in your relationship with yourself—how you treat yourself, how you perceive yourself, and how your inner critic fuels your reactions and self-sabotaging behaviors.
Understanding that your reactions, mistakes, and failures don’t define who you are or dictate your future path, is such an important step to undertake in your healing journey.
The hidden Culprit Behind Self Sabotage
The primary obstacle to cultivating a healthy relationship with yourself as a scapegoated survivor of narcissistic familial dynamics lies in addressing the core wound of shame.
When it comes to shame, many survivors of complex trauma may not even realize they’re grappling with its effects. I was once in that position.
I used to ponder, “Why would I feel ashamed of what someone else did to me? Why would I harbor shame for something that isn’t my fault?”
Many survivors dismiss the notion of suffering from shame because they don’t grasp its essence.
However, once we become aware of this wound—understanding how it shapes us, influences our decisions, colors our self-perception, and impacts our interactions with the world—we may recognize that this wound permeates all areas of our life and demands attention.
Anyone who has experienced complex trauma likely bears some level of shame.
Shame, by its very nature, is a core belief about yourself, about who you perceive yourself to be, even without consciously acknowledging it. Your actions consistently reinforce this self-view. Feelings and emotions orbit around shame, becoming a constant presence. Over time, you may grow accustomed to this feeling, perceiving it as an intrinsic part of you.
This pervasive feeling propels many of the behaviors commonly observed in scapegoated survivors.
Shame manifests in various ways:
- Shame is believing I must please others, thinking I’m unlovable as I am, so I must people-please to be accepted.
- Shame is fearing setting boundaries, thinking I’ll be abandoned if I do. It’s doubting my worthiness and believing my boundaries don’t deserve respect.
- Shame is feeling the need to hide my true self, believing I can’t be authentic. It’s shapeshifting to fit others’ expectations to avoid abandonment, fearing my true self is too shameful.
- Shame is striving for perfection, fearing rejection and believing any imperfection means something is fundamentally wrong with me. It’s constantly working on myself, thinking I’m not good enough for love.
- Shame is wanting to be invisible, hiding from others to prevent being discovered and judged.
- Shame is feeling the need to be the strongest person in the room, hiding my vulnerabilities to avoid showing weakness.
- Shame is using humor as a shield, avoiding burdening others with my pain, and creating a facade of fun to distract from my hidden struggles.
- Shame is depleting myself to rescue others, believing I’m only lovable if I go out of my way for them.
- Shame is feeling like a burden, asking others not to do anything nice for me.
- Shame is struggling to accept compliments, unsure how to handle positive attention.
- Shame is taking responsibility for others’ feelings and actions, believing I caused their anger or disappointment, even when it’s beyond my control.
Essentially, shame is the belief that if people truly get to know me, they will abandon me.
It’s that inner critic residing in your head, whispering, “You’re not good enough. Everyone will hate you. They will mock you.” This fear of rejection fuels the belief that you must conceal your true self to avoid abandonment. Thus, shame often leads to a fear of abandonment.
How We Self-Sabotage By Unknowingly Feeding Shame
- We ruminate. We obsess over changing people’s perceptions of us, hoping that altering their views will alleviate our feelings of shame.
- We over-explain ourselves, engaging with people we know we should avoid. We think, “I must defend myself, resolve this shame,” even if it means returning to environments filled with individuals triggering our shame.
- We hide. Believing that staying concealed will prevent exposure and abandonment.
- We suppress our needs, striving to become burdens to no one by having no needs at all.
- We dismiss the importance of connections in our lives. “I don’t need connections in my life. Forget that.”
- We sacrifice authenticity for likability.
- We become overly accommodating, hoping that by doing extra favors, we can compensate for our perceived inadequacies.
- We lie about our true selves and our struggles.
- We isolate ourselves physically, maintaining zero relationships to shield ourselves from potential harm.
Addressing the Root of the Scapegoat’s Shame
A child raised by healthy parents consistently receives the message: “You are valued just as you are; you don’t need to change to be loved.” Growing up in such an environment fosters a positive self-image and reduces insecurities, as children feel unconditionally loved and accepted.
In contrast, a child from a dysfunctional home often encounters a negative mirror reflecting shame. For instance, emotionally unavailable caregivers might criticize relentlessly, blaming the child for their own emotional dysregulation or other problems. Expressing opinions could result in ridicule or eye-rolling, further intensifying feelings of shame. Children may be told they are burdensome, that their emotions and needs are a burden, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy.
Moreover, broken promises, silent treatments, punishments, and criticisms send the message that something is inherently wrong with the child. Abandonment and emotional neglect amplify these feelings, sending the most painful message: “If even those biologically connected to me reject me, then surely something must be wrong with me.”
Consequently, shame drives us to become self-critical, cutting away parts of ourselves we’ve been taught to dislike. If being assertive leads to abandonment, we may develop intense fears around setting boundaries. If creativity is scoffed at, we may start to shy away from expressing our creativity. Sensitivity becomes a weakness to be concealed, prompting us to hide our vulnerabilities behind masks. Some may numb their feelings with drugs or alcohol, operating in a state of detachment and numbness.
Shame results in disconnection—from ourselves and others. We lose touch with who we truly are.
Healing from Shame: Reconnecting with Your Authentic Self
The only thing you truly need to change right now is your relationship with yourself. That’s it. There’s nothing inherently wrong with you.
Start by getting curious. Explore the parts of you that you have been neglecting or try things you’ve always wanted to try. Notice your talents and strengths as you slowly journey towards the unknown.
Carl Jung wisely said, “Become who you are afraid to be.”
Here are some questions to spark your journey:
- What are my values?
- What brings me joy and fulfillment?
- What are my dreams and aspirations?
- What limiting beliefs have I held onto?
- Who am I beyond my past?
- What do I need to let go of that no longer serves me?
Mindfulness is key. Notice how shame manifests in your thoughts and behaviors. Do you find yourself people-pleasing or withdrawing from others? Do you silence your voice or strive for impossible perfection? Once you become aware of these patterns, you can begin to challenge them.
Empower yourself with every decision. Make choices that align with your true self and honor your needs. This might feel uncomfortable at first, but remember, the more you embrace your authenticity, the easier it becomes.
Building healthy connections. Seek out supportive relationships outside the dysfunctional family system. Join groups that share your interests, connect with friends who value you for who you are, and don’t hesitate to seek help if needed.
Remember, healing is a journey, not a destination. There will be setbacks, but with self-compassion, courage, and a commitment to building a healthy relationship with yourself, you can overcome shame and live a life filled with authenticity and connection. Most importantly, love and trust yourself. You are worthy of a life filled with joy and love.
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THE CONTENTS OF THIS WEBSITE ARE NOT MEANT TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP AND COUNSELING. THE READERS ARE DISCOURAGED FROM USING IT FOR DIAGNOSTIC OR THERAPEUTIC ENDS. THE DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER CAN ONLY BE DONE BY PROFESSIONALS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED AND QUALIFIED TO DO SO. THE AUTHOR IS NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.