The pollyanna enabler, the narcissist's most treasured minion

Published on: February 21, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

The Pollyanna enabler is a person who tends to excuse or rationalize the abusive behavior of others, often due to an extreme compulsion to maintain a relentlessly positive outlook on life. Even when confronted with evidence of mistreatment, they may try to find a good side to the story or downplay the severity of the behavior. The term “Pollyanna” refers to a character in a children’s book who always maintained an optimistic attitude in the face of adversity.

Pollyanna enablers utilize toxic positivity by promoting an excessively optimistic and unrealistic perspective in situations involving abuse or toxic relationships.

Pollyanna Enablers and Toxic Positivity

• Pollyanna enablers are individuals who encourage a victim of abuse or mistreatment to adopt an overly positive outlook, even when faced with harmful or toxic behavior.

• They employ toxic positivity by minimizing or denying the negativity or severity of abusive actions, and by emphasizing the importance of maintaining a positive attitude and the relationship at any cost.

• Pollyanna enablers may discourage open discussions about the abusive behavior, and downplay the suffering experienced by the victim.

  This toxic positivity can lead to emotional suppression and the invalidation of the victim’s feelings, preventing them from addressing the abusive situation, seeking help, or setting necessary boundaries. In essence, Pollyanna enablers use toxic positivity to enable the continuation of abuse by emphasizing positivity at the expense of addressing and confronting negative experiences and emotions.

Common Phrases

• Don’t dwell on the negative.
• It’s not that bad.
• Just give them some time; they’ll change.
• You’re overreacting; they didn’t mean to hurt you.
• You should try to get along.
• Don’t make a big deal out of it; it’s not worth the trouble.
• Try to see their perspective; maybe you’re misunderstanding them.
• You should be more forgiving and understanding.
• Don’t be so sensitive; toughen up a bit.
• Let’s not ruin the mood with negative talk; focus on the positive.
• They may have just had a bad day, so give them a break.
• You only have one parent, so try harder to get along with them; you will regret it if you don’t.
• Sure, they may have hurt you, but they also did so much good for you.
• They worry about you; doesn’t that count to you?
• Abuse? No, that’s not abuse; it’s normal! It’s the culture.
• Let’s never talk about this again!
• This again?
• Ha!Ha!Ha! That’s so funny when you say it like that!

Common behavioral patterns

1. They always try to put a positive spin on situations, even when it’s inappropriate or unrealistic.
2. They avoid conflict and uncomfortable situations by denying or ignoring negative emotions and experiences.
3. They use humor or deflection to avoid dealing with problems or difficult situations.
4. They minimize or downplay the severity of negative events, even when it’s harmful to others.
5. They focus on the positive traits of the narcissist, often ignoring or rationalizing the negative ones.
6. They make excuses for the narcissist’s behavior and blame others for any problems that arise.
7. They may act as a mediator, trying to smooth over conflicts and avoiding holding anyone accountable.
8. They may try to protect the narcissist from the consequences of their actions, even if it’s detrimental to others.
9. They may ignore or dismiss the feelings and experiences of the victims of narcissistic abuse.
10. They may refuse to acknowledge the reality of the situation, even if presented with evidence that contradicts their beliefs.

These enablers often create their own reality of toxic positivity, in which they ignore or deny the real issues at hand in order to maintain their happy narrative. They may avoid getting involved or resist addressing the problem, focusing only on what pleases them and avoiding any conflicts or challenges.

The Pollyanna enabler’s mantra is “out of sight, out of mind”. As a result, those who suffer from the manipulations and abuse inflicted by the narcissist are often left to fend for themselves, without validation or support.

In the end, the Pollyanna enabler’s refusal to acknowledge the real issues perpetuates the cycle of abuse and denies justice to the real victims. It is important to recognize this behavior and hold enablers accountable for their actions, in order to break the cycle of abuse and create a safer, healthier environment for everyone involved.

more about enablers

about narcissistic family systems

about gaslighting

Published on: February 21, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach