The Power of Aloneness after Narcissistic Abuse

Published on: September 7, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

The Power of Aloneness After No Contact With a Narcissistic Family System

Loneliness is a feeling. Aloneness is a state of being.

Being alone means being by oneself, without the company of others. It may be a choice or a circumstance, and it can be a positive experience. A person may learn to enjoy aloneness, finding it to be a good opportunity to recharge, reflect, or engage in activities they enjoy.

On the other hand, being lonely refers to the feeling of isolation and lack of connection with others. It can happen even when you are surrounded by people.

When you get comfortable with being alone, you cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself. The more you get to know yourself on your own terms, the stronger you become.

Choosing to go no contact with a narcissistic family system is an incredibly courageous decision. When you are part of such a system, you nearly lose your ability to think and feel for yourself. The cycles of stress, blame, and turmoil that you have to manage rob you of your agency. The constant invalidation and minimization that make up your “normal” leave you feeling confused and unable to see through the fog that surrounds you. It’s challenging to heal when you remain in an environment where the narcissist continuously destroys your emotional safety and health with every interaction, and where you are shamed and made to feel selfish for your efforts to safeguard them by everyone else.

Taking a step back and distancing yourself will make a huge difference in your ability to process your feelings, build your resolve to trust patterns rather than overwhelming emotions or promises of being “loved” if you change or comply, and heal from the nightmare of the toxic family system. Going no contact does not mean that you have to be lonely or that you can never have a family again. However, it does mean that you need to take the time to heal, discover your own ground, and rebuild your life on your own terms.

This newfound freedom allows you to prioritize your wants and needs over those of the narcissist and family members who have shown little regard for your mental health and well-being. Recognize that your blood family’s arguments, which keep revolving around your ‘flawed nature,’ their generosity, or your supposed ungratefulness and lack of appreciation towards the narcissist’s ‘care,’ are a form of gaslighting. What does love have to do with it? While healthy families are generally supposed to be generous, caring, and there for each other, they do not use these things to leverage abuse or keep some family members’ feelings below ground while elevating other family members’ feelings to god-like status. Your feelings matter, and you must challenge yourself to break free from the toxic cycle of seeking validation and permission from others to feel your own feelings. Giving yourself permission to be alone can help make your inner voice clearer and louder, providing a sense of peace and freedom that you may have never experienced before.

Being alone may present challenges, but it is a necessary period that can help you define your values and what is important to you. It can also help you establish better boundaries and be selective about who you allow into your life. This newfound independence and agency can be both liberating and empowering. Most importantly, being alone gives you the opportunity to discover who you are and what brings you joy. You can explore your interests, hobbies, and desires in a safe and peaceful environment, and make mistakes without fear of criticism. This self-discovery process can be transformative and lead to a greater sense of fulfillment and purpose.

While it’s imperative that you allow yourself to grieve your losses, it’s also important to celebrate your freedom and rediscover joy in your life. Being alone does not have to be negative, and you can embrace it as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. Acknowledge your fortitude, resilience, and admirable survival skills. Take your time to get to know yourself, and tend to your needs within the harmonious lifestyle that you are creating for yourself. Alone does not mean lonely, nor does it shackle you to being alone forever. In time, the right people will enter your life, and when they do, you will have tons of treasures to share. You will have healthy love to give because you have taken the time to give yourself plenty of it first. This is a time to reconnect with yourself, to grow, and to discover new possibilities.

Beware of the Traps of Comparison

In a world where social media and the need for instant gratification are prevalent, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing our lives to those around us. However, when on the path of healing after leaving behind a narcissistic family system, it’s important to remember that nobody’s life is truly perfect. While it’s natural to admire people who appear to have it all - wealth, happiness, and a loving family - the reality is that everyone faces their own unique set of challenges and struggles. It’s easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to others, but it’s important to remember that you have faced challenges that many others have not, and this has made you a stronger, more resilient person.

When you find yourself comparing your life to someone else’s, it’s important to remember that you have never walked a day in their shoes, and they have never walked a day in yours.

Comparing yourself to others can be detrimental to your healing process. Instead, it’s better to focus on your own progress and compare yourself to who you were yesterday, or last year. When you do this, you’ll realize how much progress you’ve made and how deeply you’ve changed.

Social media can be particularly toxic when you’re trying to heal. It’s important to remember that people only post the good parts of their lives, and often portray an idealized version of themselves. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. Limiting your time on social media and unfollowing accounts that make you feel bad about yourself can be a positive step in your healing journey.

It’s also important to remember that everyone has their own unique journey. Just because someone may appear to have it all together on the outside, doesn’t mean they haven’t gone through struggles of their own. You never truly know what someone else is going through, so it’s important not to compare yourself to anyone.

Instead, focus on your own goals and aspirations. It’s healthy to look up to people who inspire us, especially when we are healing from the trauma of leaving a narcissistic family system. Rather than comparing ourselves to others, it can be more productive to find mentors and learn from them. When we admire someone, we can learn from their habits, mindset, and routines. If you’re inspired by a well-spoken public figure, for example, take the time to listen to their speeches and try to learn from their communication skills. If you admire an athlete, look into their training regimen and see how you can incorporate similar exercises into your own routine.

As survivors of a narcissistic family system, we may not have had inspiring mentors or role models who challenged us to overcome our fears, learn from our mistakes, and strive for success despite the difficulties we faced. However, it’s never too late to seek out and learn from those we admire. Instead of comparing ourselves to others, it’s healthier to focus on studying the practices and philosophies of those we look up to.

The Positives of Aloneness

• Increased Self-awareness: Spending time alone can allow you to tune in to your inner voice and gain a better understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and needs. By disconnecting from external influences, you can develop a greater sense of self-awareness, leading to improved self-acceptance and a better understanding of your values, goals, and aspirations.
• Improved Focus and Concentration: Being alone can provide an environment free from distractions, allowing you to concentrate better and focus on your goals. Without the distractions and interruptions of others, you can devote your full attention to the task at hand, leading to improved productivity and performance.
• Increased Creativity: When you’re alone, you have the space and freedom to let your imagination run wild, leading to increased creativity and originality in your thinking. Being alone can help you tap into your inner voice and come up with new ideas and solutions, leading to more innovative and unique outcomes.
• Better Problem-solving Skills: When you’re alone, you have the time and space to think critically and come up with solutions to problems. Being free from distractions and interruptions can help you focus and think more clearly, leading to improved problem-solving skills and better decision-making.
• Greater Sense of Calm and Well-being: Spending time alone can provide a sense of peace and tranquility, allowing you to unwind and reduce stress. By disconnecting from external demands and pressures, you can focus on your own needs, leading to improved mental and emotional health.
• Improved Relationships: Taking time to be alone can help you be more present and engaged in your relationships with others. When you prioritize your own well-being and take care of your own needs, you are better equipped to show up fully in your relationships and engage with others authentically.
• Increased Independence: Being comfortable with being alone can help you develop a sense of independence and self-reliance. By learning to enjoy your own company, you become less dependent on others for validation and support, leading to greater confidence and self-assuredness.
• Better Decision Making: Being alone can help you make better decisions by providing the space and quiet you need to weigh your options and consider all the factors involved. Without the distractions and opinions of others, you can think more clearly and rationally, leading to improved decision-making and outcomes.

When we use our alone time to our advantage, we open ourselves up to a valuable and enlightening experience. It’s a time to reflect on our thoughts and feelings, to see ourselves in a new light, and understand the reasons behind our actions without fear of judgment, criticism, or guilt. This process of self-reflection can be aided by journaling, which allows us to explore our thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and gain a deeper understanding of ourselves. It’s like writing a love letter to ourselves.

Things You May Consider Doing Alone

• Meditate or practice yoga to quiet your mind and center yourself.
• Create a daily self-care routine that works for you, such as taking a bath, practicing gratitude, or reading a book.
• Start a journal to document your thoughts and feelings.
• Learn a new skill, such as painting or playing an instrument.
• Take a cooking class or experiment with new recipes.
• Take a walk or hike in nature to clear your mind and enjoy the beauty around you.
• Visit a museum or art exhibit.
• Take a weekend trip to a nearby town or city.
• Volunteer for a cause you’re passionate about.
• Join a book club or social group to meet new people.
• Take a dance or fitness class to get moving and have fun.
• Plan a spa day or at-home spa treatments.
• Listen to uplifting podcasts or audiobooks.
• Attend a concert or music festival.
• Explore your spirituality through meditation, prayer, or attending religious services.
• Start a garden or tend to houseplants.
• Organize your space and declutter your belongings.
• Take up a new sport, such as golf or tennis.
• Attend a comedy show or watch funny movies to lift your mood.
• Learn a new language or take a language class.
• Practice photography or other creative pursuits.
• Try a new restaurant or food experience.
• Attend a mindfulness or personal growth retreat.
• Take up a DIY project, such as home renovation or furniture building.
• Attend a personal development workshop or seminar.
• Take a hot air balloon ride or go skydiving for a thrilling experience.
• Visit a local farmers market or craft fair.
• Plan a solo travel adventure to a place you’ve always wanted to visit.
• Attend a writing workshop or take up creative writing.
• Practice self-reflection and set goals for personal growth and development.

To ensure you prioritize self-care and personal growth, it’s important to establish a healthy routine that incorporates exercise, meditation, socializing, work, skill development, and learning, which you can commit to and follow consistently.

Learn about understanding yourself as a whole self

Published on: September 7, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach