The Ripple Effect: How Narcissistic Parental Rejection Shapes a Child's Life

Published on: August 25, 2023

Being a daughter raised by “the silent treatment,” interwoven with endless criticism, smear campaigns, persistent martyrdom, and zero attunement, I am very familiar with parental rejection. In fact, this has been the hallmark of my entire upbringing. The scars were difficult to heal, and the grief had to be processed. The anger, resentment, and shock of realizing that this was my life was a slow process that required much introspection to overcome.

I can now say that I have acknowledged this as part of my past, and yet it does not define who I am or where I am going. I have made peace with the fact that her treatment of me will never be acknowledged by any family member who has enabled her, and that my name will carry the label of the “bad character” for the rest of my life. And so be it. This is their world, their choice, their culture, and it will not be mine.

Understanding the truth behind how a parent scapegoats their child is pivotal for healing and breaking free from the emotional scars left by such dynamics. It unveils the manipulation, distortion of reality, and emotional abuse inherent in these behaviors.

A narcissistic parent or caregiver skillfully crafts a narrative where the scapegoat child is unjustly portrayed as the wrongdoer, often rooted in the child’s early years. This calculated strategy serves the dual purpose of eliciting sympathy from unwitting onlookers and within the family itself. Its primary function is to redirect attention away from the actual issues, which are unrelated to the child and deeply rooted in the narcissistic parent’s emotional dysregulation.

They show an unwillingness to acknowledge personal shortcomings, an unrelenting need to project pent-up frustrations onto an external target, and at times, an effort to conceal their own addiction to narcissistic supply. This supply refers to the emotional sustenance and affirmation that the narcissistic parent craves to maintain their inflated sense of self-worth. The carefully crafted narrative that paints the scapegoat child as the wrongdoer serves as a means to secure this narcissistic supply.

DARVO stands for “Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.” It describes a psychological manipulation tactic used by some individuals, particularly in cases of conflict or when they are accused of wrongdoing.

Deny: The first step involves the perpetrator (often the one accused of wrongdoing) denying their actions, guilt, or responsibility. They may refuse to acknowledge that they have done anything wrong, even when evidence suggests otherwise.
Attack: In this step, the perpetrator may go on the offensive, attacking the credibility, character, or motivations of the accuser. They may use various tactics to discredit the person who has raised the issue or made the accusation. This attack can be personal and aimed at shifting blame away from themselves.
Reverse Victim and Offender: This is the final step, where the perpetrator reverses the roles, portraying themselves as the victim and the original accuser as the offender. They may claim that they are the ones who have been wronged or harmed by the accusations, turning the focus away from their actions and onto the person who brought the issue to light.

The Hidden Signs of Rejection

Labeling

Narcissistic parents view their children not as unique individuals but as possessions that they feel entitled to shape and control. They mistakenly perceive the child’s primary role as an extension of themselves. When a child cannot meet this unrealistic expectation and resists conforming to the narcissist’s dysfunctional ways, they become a target for demonization. Labels such as the “bad character,” the “burden,” the “problem child,” the “devil,” and more are affixed to them as a means of stigmatization and justification for the narcissist’s actions.

This labeling process begins early in the child’s development, resulting in them feeling damaged, flawed, and unworthy of love. The labels imposed by the narcissistic parent become ingrained in the scapegoat’s environment, shaping how other family members, as well as anyone influenced by the parent’s narrative, perceive and interact with the scapegoat throughout the duration of the scapegoating dynamic.

Defamation and Smear Campaigns

Narcissistic parents employ a destructive strategy known as a smear campaign, where they tarnish their own child’s image and reputation to anyone willing to listen. However, their approach is cunning and manipulative. They craft narratives and exaggerate events, portraying the child as completely out of control and even demonic, despite the reality behind closed doors being markedly different. Common aspects of child-rearing become distorted into sensationalized tales of martyrdom.

In response to these ordinary parental responsibilities, a narcissistic parent often reacts with narcissistic rage, perceiving them as personal affronts.

Following the narcissistic parent’s episodes of outbursts, rage, and unfounded exaggerated claims, wherein they justify their behavior by asserting they had no other choice to behave as they did, they seamlessly transition to another manipulative tactic. This involves presenting themselves as victims, expressing love, worry, and helplessness. This strategic maneuver is designed to steer conversations toward the narcissist’s self-victimization and distract away from their own abusive behaviors.

Golden Child Dynamics

In narcissistic family dynamics, children are regarded as near extensions of the narcissistic parent and are assigned distinct roles. The scapegoat carries the burden of blame and shame within the family, while the golden child is positioned as the one who can do no wrong. The narcissistic parent exerts significant pressure on the golden child to maintain a flawless family image.

Conversely, the scapegoat is consistently pushed to fail and made to believe they lack the intelligence to pursue their aspirations. In many narcissistic families, the golden child becomes the favored sibling, often enmeshed with the narcissistic parent to such an extent that they feel compelled to seek permission or validation for matters they should handle independently, even those involving their own spouse and children.

The golden child is frequently manipulated into aligning with the narcissistic parent against the scapegoat. This manipulation exacerbates the scapegoat’s sense of rejection and can foster sibling rivalry and strained relationships within the family.

Normalizing of Abuse

Narcissistic parents routinely administer harsh punishments to the scapegoat child, not with the intention of imparting a lesson but to inflict emotional pain. One particularly detrimental form of this abuse is the silent treatment or discard, a rejection so profound that it communicates to the child that their feelings and very existence hold no significance. This tactic ingrains in the child the notion that their flaws, shortcomings, and mistakes are so severe that they can be entirely erased from the family, rendering them non-existent in the eyes of that parent. This ongoing cycle of rejection cultivates fear and solidifies the belief within the child that they deserve rejection for displaying normal human traits and behaviors, thereby heightening their distress.

Within these families, love becomes a weapon of punishment, with the parent using the withholding of affection as a disciplinary measure. Parents may place unrealistic expectations on their children, pressuring them to assume roles such as the family therapist, confidant, and emotional support system. They might demand that their child fulfill unmet needs, dreams, and desires, creating an environment where the child is burdened with responsibilities beyond their emotional capacity.

When the child fails to meet these unrealistic expectations, the narcissistic parent consistently weaves narratives that normalize their abusive behavior towards their child. This narrative manipulation ingrains a toxic culture within the family, one that perpetuates the distorted belief that the parent’s actions are not only acceptable but also justified. The parent may assert that their extreme demands and punitive measures are simply part of “tough love” or necessary discipline.

This normalization of abuse creates an environment where the child is made to feel complicit in their mistreatment, fostering a sense of powerlessness and self-blame. The child may internalize the idea that they are inherently flawed, deserving of the harsh treatment they receive. This toxic culture further solidifies the narcissistic parent’s control over the family dynamic, making it challenging for the scapegoat child to recognize the abuse for what it is and break free from the cycle of manipulation and emotional cruelty.

Invalidation of Emotions

Narcissistic parents engage in the harmful practices of invalidating, mocking, belittling, and vilifying their child’s emotional expressions. Strikingly, they are often the sole individuals in the family allowed to freely express their full range of dysregulated emotions.

This pattern of invalidation exacts a considerable toll on the child’s emotional well-being, leaving them with a lingering sense of being unheard, unseen, and emotionally neglected. Consistent dismissal of a child’s genuine feelings and concerns erodes their trust in their own emotional experiences, fostering profound feelings of isolation and a pervasive sense of rejection by those who should provide care and validation. This systematic invalidation further contributes to the scapegoated child’s emotional isolation within the narcissistic family structure.

Competition

In certain cases, narcissistic parents perceive their own children as threats or competition to their own sense of superiority and control. As a result, they may employ a range of tactics to undermine their child’s achievements or talents. This behavior can manifest in various ways, such as belittling the child’s accomplishments, downplaying their talents, or attributing their successes to external factors or sheer luck. By diminishing the child’s achievements, the narcissistic parent aims to maintain their own position of dominance within the family dynamic, ensuring that they remain the center of attention and authority.

This undermining of the child’s accomplishments not only serves the narcissistic parent’s need for control but also fosters an environment in which the child’s self-esteem and self-worth are systematically eroded. The child may feel as though their efforts are in vain, and their talents are not genuinely appreciated. This persistent belittling can create a profound sense of rejection within the child, as they are deprived of the encouragement and validation they require to develop a healthy sense of self and confidence in their abilities.

Why Do They Do This?

Projection and Blame-Shifting

Narcissistic individuals deflect blame using a defense mechanism called DARVO—Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. They deny fault, blaming others and maintaining self-righteousness. The scapegoat becomes a convenient target, absolving the narcissistic parent of responsibility, perpetuating emotional abuse, and reinforcing the scapegoat’s sense of rejection.

Need for Control

Rejecting the scapegoat reinforces control. Emotional reactions become tools for manipulation, solidifying dominance within the family. This cycle allows the narcissistic parent to maintain their grip on the family structure.

Satisfying Their Ego

By making the scapegoat feel inferior, narcissistic parents derive satisfaction, bolstering their fragile ego. The more diminished the scapegoat feels, the more the narcissistic parent’s ego is gratified.

To Fulfill Their Need for Supply

Rejecting the scapegoat elicits emotional responses, providing a constant source of narcissistic supply. The parent gains power and control, manipulating and dominating the scapegoat while satisfying their insatiable need for emotional supply.

Jealousy and Resentment

Rejection may stem from the narcissistic parent’s jealousy of the scapegoat’s threatening or superior qualities. By demeaning the scapegoat, they attempt to diminish envied qualities and regain a false sense of superiority.

Emotional Dysregulation

Narcissistic parents struggle with emotional dysregulation, avoiding responsibility for their emotional turmoil. Rejecting the scapegoat helps maintain emotional distance and sidesteps addressing the scapegoat’s emotional needs, perpetuating feelings of isolation.

Distraction from the Real Issues

Maintaining the scapegoat’s role serves as a distraction from actual family issues. Redirecting attention obscures real problems, allowing the narcissistic parent to avoid introspection and accountability.

The Long Road to Healing

The road to healing after surviving the dynamics of a narcissistic family system is challenging but not impossible. Understanding that the dysfunction lies within the family dynamic, not within you as an individual, is crucial. In families that scapegoat and avoid addressing real issues, meaningful change often eludes them, failing to protect members from harm. Recognizing this dysfunction is a collective responsibility, and significant change must come from each individual within the family.

You deserve love, respect, peace, and tranquility. I encourage you to seek support from friends, support groups, or mental health professionals familiar with narcissistic family dynamics. Journal your experiences for self-reflection, learn about gaslighting to counter manipulation, and make choices that align with your values to foster personal growth. Consider emotionally detaching from the narcissistic family, setting boundaries, and seeking professional guidance for any feelings of guilt and shame. This journey involves self-discovery, mindfulness, seeking support, and making choices that empower you, leading to a life aligned with your values, healing, authenticity and fulfillment. See self healing steps after narcissistic abuse