The Roots of Procrastination After Surviving Being Scapegoated by a Narcissistic Family System

Published on: February 1, 2024

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

The Roots of Procrastination After Surviving Being Scapegoated by a Narcissistic Family System

Procrastination, the act of delaying tasks and diverting attention from essential goals, often reveals a deeper story rooted in one’s emotions and life experiences. Whether dealing with a passion project, self-care routines, work responsibilities, or social engagements, a common question arises: Why the delay in doing things that contribute to long-term well-being? The answer might lie in the nervous system, specifically the flight response: Avoidance.

What is the flight response and why do we care?

The flight response is a primal reaction deeply ingrained in our evolutionary history, forming a critical component of the body’s stress response system. It is part of the “fight or flight” mechanism, preparing individuals to either confront a threat head-on or escape from it. When faced with danger, the body releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, triggering physiological changes such as increased heart rate, heightened alertness, and redirected blood flow to essential muscles.

In the context of surviving a narcissistic family system, the flight response often becomes chronic, adapting to a prolonged state of emotional danger rather than immediate physical threats. This sustained activation of the flight response can lead to a variety of mental and emotional challenges, including heightened anxiety, hypervigilance, and difficulty in focusing on tasks.

Understanding the flight response is crucial because it sheds light on why those who have survived scapegoating in a narcissistic family system may struggle with procrastination. The flight response, when repeatedly triggered, wires the brain to associate tasks and responsibilities with a perceived threat to one’s well-being. As a result, even seemingly benign activities can evoke a disproportionate stress response, leading to avoidance and procrastination.

Acknowledging the flight response is the first step toward dismantling the roots of procrastination. It involves recognizing that the aversion to tasks is not a mere lack of motivation or discipline but rather a complex interplay of emotional survival mechanisms.

How is avoidance cultivated in narcissistic family systems?

When the flight response kicks in, a noticeable inclination toward avoidance takes over. For survivors who faced scapegoating in their upbringing or dealt with emotionally immature antagonistic caregivers, this inclination can become deeply ingrained as an automatic response—a defense mechanism operating in the subconscious.

Examples:

Family Gatherings:

Scenario: The scapegoat consistently experienced blame, shaming, invalidation, and criticism during family events.

Manifestation: As a protective measure, they may actively avoid social gatherings, holidays, or reunions in adulthood to shield themselves from the recurrence of such situations. This avoidance may extend to procrastinating social gatherings outside the narcissistic family system and experiencing discomfort around groups of people.

Limited Self-Expression:

Scenario: Scapegoating often involves stifling, demonizing, minimizing, and shutting down the individual’s voice, authenticity, emotions, feelings, and opinions.

Manifestation: The person may either refrain from expressing their thoughts or feelings openly, fearing backlash or dismissal, or may also take the aggressive route and instead express themselves so vehemently that it becomes detrimental to relationships. This difficulty in self-expression may lead to procrastination in scenarios where they need to assert themselves or communicate effectively.

False Responsibility:

Scenario: Scapegoats are often made to feel responsible for family issues that are beyond their control.

Manifestation: They may develop a habit of over-apologizing, even for things beyond their control, as a preemptive defense against perceived blame. This tendency can lead to procrastination in scenarios where they fear being held responsible, avoiding tasks that might involve significant responsibility.

Difficulty Trusting Others:

Scenario: Scapegoats are frequently betrayed or used as a target by family members.

Manifestation: Trusting others becomes challenging, and they may avoid forming close bonds to prevent potential betrayal. This lack of trust can result in procrastination when it comes to building relationships or seeking support, as they may fear vulnerability.

Avoidance of Personal Achievements:

Scenario: Narcissistic family systems undermine the scapegoat’s individual achievements, often making them feel inadequate.

Manifestation: The scapegoated person might lose the drive to strive for personal accomplishments, subconsciously expecting criticism, negativity, envy, or feeling that whatever they do ‘won’t matter anyways’. This perception can contribute to procrastination as they doubt the significance of their efforts.

Fear of Confrontation:

Scenario: Scapegoats may face disproportionate consequences for speaking up.

Manifestation: They might actively avoid confrontations or discussions that could lead to disagreement, as they associate such situations with negative repercussions. This fear can lead to procrastination in addressing conflicts or expressing their needs.

Energy Depletion through Constant Vigilance:

Scenario: Scapegoated individuals live in a state of perpetual alertness.

Manifestation: They may exhibit hypervigilance, always anticipating criticism or blame and adapting their behavior to avoid triggering negative reactions. This constant vigilance consumes significant mental and emotional energy, leaving very little energy available for productive tasks. As a result, procrastination becomes a way to cope with the limited resources and the overwhelming focus on potential threats.

Grief and Depression:

Scenario: The scapegoat, burdened by the harsh reality of being part of a narcissistic family system, enduring scapegoating, and lacking a supportive clan, may experience profound grief and depression.

Manifestation: This emotional weight can contribute to procrastination as they grapple with the overwhelming feelings associated with their family dynamics. The struggle to find motivation may be intensified by the profound sense of loss and isolation, making it challenging to engage fully in tasks and responsibilities.

Recognizing the struggle with procrastination may serve as a signal, indicating deeper, unresolved wounds. The challenge lies in acknowledging this mechanism for what it is—a protective response rooted in past experiences and emotions.

How does procrastination evolve into a defense mechanism?

Immediate ‘Relief’ from Escaping Confrontation with Difficult Emotions and Negative Experiences

Procrastination often serves as a maladaptive coping mechanism, particularly for those who grappled with asserting individuality or setting boundaries during their formative years. When home life stifled self-expression, avoiding tasks that risk criticism becomes a way to sidestep associated emotions. These wounds, originating from early childhood, may intensify and become unknowingly disproportionate. For instance, procrastinating on an art project might be indicative of avoiding potential criticism that harks back to the pain suffered in childhood when a parent criticized, antagonized, and demonized their own child’s aspirations to become an artist.

While, rationally, adult criticism on our work shouldn’t be catastrophic, subconsciously, the unhealed wound transforms into a trigger. Procrastinating the art project becomes a means of avoiding the risk of revisiting childhood pain. Chronic procrastination, rooted in childhood fears of criticism and failure, hampers personal growth and success, perpetuating a cycle of avoidance.

Trauma’s Legacy: Hypervigilance

Survivors of childhood trauma often channel their strong willpower toward survival and self-protection. The constant hypervigilance coupled with the fear of making mistakes hinder their ability to fully engage in tasks and explore new opportunities. Procrastination becomes a coping mechanism to maintain control and avoid perceived threats.

Trauma introduces hypervigilance, an incessant on-guard scanning of the environment, demanding constant energy and attention. Survivors with a trauma history may perceive even seemingly safe experiences as threats, activating the fight or flight response. This heightened state drains energy, making it challenging to fully engage in work tasks and contributing to procrastination.

‘Protection’ from Potential Failure

The fear of failure often originates in childhood, where negative feedback leaves lasting psychological imprints. While emotionally supported children don’t fear failure, those from punitive environments carry this fear into adulthood. In the professional realm, it transforms into a formidable obstacle, compelling individuals to avoid risks and stay within their comfort zones.

Learning to Do, Despite the Body Saying No.

Understanding the reasons behind procrastination involves an honest exploration of our fears, anxieties, and emotional triggers contributing to avoidance behaviors. This introspection enables us to address the root causes rather than merely treating the symptoms, fostering a deeper level of self-awareness.

Self-awareness is pivotal in recognizing the patterns and thought processes that perpetuate procrastination. By observing our tendencies, acknowledging emotional responses, and cultivating a compassionate understanding of ourselves, we gain clarity to interrupt destructive patterns and initiate positive changes.

By dismantling limiting beliefs, understanding the root causes of behaviors, and fostering self-awareness, we set the stage for a transformative journey toward productivity, success, and a more fulfilling life.

Mindfulness Questions to Ask Yourself in the Moment

1. What Am I Avoiding?

Mindfully identify the specific task or activity you are avoiding. Acknowledge it without judgment, allowing yourself to become fully aware of the present moment.

2. What Emotions Am I Experiencing?

Tune into your emotions without suppressing or judging them. Mindfully explore the feelings associated with the task at hand. Are you anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed, or experiencing any other emotions?

3. What Are My Thoughts About This Task?

Bring awareness to your thoughts regarding the task. Are there negative or self-limiting beliefs influencing your perception? Mindfulness allows you to observe these thoughts impartially.

4. How Is My Body Reacting?

Pay attention to your body’s physical responses. Are there signs of tension, restlessness, or discomfort? Mindfully observe these sensations as they relate to your procrastination.

5. What Would It Feel Like to Complete the Task?

Practicing mindfulness in these moments can create a space for self-reflection and awareness, allowing you to gain a clearer perspective on your inner world.

Published on: February 1, 2024

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach