The Scapegoat's Journey to Healing from Self-Doubt

Published on: August 3, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Self-doubt, characterized by the fear of failure, the inability to trust oneself, one’s own judgment, decisions, and capabilities, is a familiar state for many survivors of narcissistic family systems.

The irony of the struggles faced by many of us survivors of narcissistic parenting as adults is rooted in the fact that this conditioning, this self-doubt, this fear of self-trust, was instilled by a deeply dysregulated, antagonistic individual who held sway in a dysfunctional family system and who felt deeply disturbed by the fact that here was one child, too strong, too self-assured, too stubborn to be turned into a malleable and compliant extension of themselves.

Unable to alter our inherent character strengths, our personality, our essence, they instead constructed a narrative that depicted our very nature, qualities, strengths, drive, energy, and emotions as fundamentally, irreparably, and unforgivably flawed. Through the narcissist feigning victimhood, exaggerating real events, and consistently creating never-ending dramas around the scapegoated child, other family members would then often jump on the train, labeling the scapegoat as the disturber of the family peace.

The Reinforcement of Self-Doubt by the Narcissistic Family System

Instilling self-doubt within a scapegoated child is a common tactic within narcissistic family systems to keep things quiet.

How often have we been told that we’re overly sensitive, that our reactions to our experiences are abnormal, that our recollection of events is flawed, that abuse can be justified and is just a part of everyday life, and that we shouldn’t feel the way we do? This seed of self-doubt, this erosion of trust in our own experiences, serves as a means for the narcissistic family system to ensure the scapegoat remains silent, compliant, and submissive.

We were raised in a dysfunctional family system that incessantly reinforced the message that our emotions, experiences, and memories couldn’t be trusted if they didn’t align with the narcissist’s unrealistic expectations of who we were supposed to be.

When we experience self-doubt, it often indicates that we are facing a disconnect from our true selves. This disconnect may have originated as a survival adaptation to cope with our narcissistic family system.

This disconnection from our felt sense, from our feelings and emotions, may have served us well as a protective mechanism when we needed it most. However, as we grew, this survival mechanism could suddenly turn into a self-sabotaging system,  making it challenging for us to recognize and express our needs and, subsequently, to establish healthy boundaries.

Healing self doubt

Trauma is essentially an inability to fully exist in the present moment because the “here and now” carries imprints from the past.

Trauma exists in the felt sense – the realm of bodily sensations and emotions – rather than in the cognitive realm of thoughts and rationalization.

The missing piece of the puzzle for recovery from childhood emotional neglect lies in the ability to tune into and acknowledge your emotions and regain your felt sense. This cannot be achieved through logic alone; it’s about learning to feel what you feel in the here and now, without judgment or suppression.

By directing your focus to your felt sense, you can relearn how to reconnect with the messages your body is communicating—what your needs are, what is beneficial for you, and what is detrimental. This is not something that can be achieved through external validation or logic; it must originate from within you. Shifting your focus inward and relearning how to hold space for what you feel within yourself safely is an indispensable component of your healing journey.

Being Present in the Here and Now 

Dispelling doubt about your decisions and your ability to reason is something cultivated through feeling and practicing being in the here and now.

Our emotions are, at their core, different forms of energy that manifest physically within our bodies, conveying distinct messages such as danger, toxic, good, or bad.

When you’re confronted with a decision that holds the potential for empowerment in the present but find yourself entangled in a web of fears and self-doubt, it’s important to recognize that you might be contending with deeply rooted unprocessed emotions stemming from your past, emotions that have never been given permission to complete their course and thereby be released. These deeply ingrained emotions, often concealed within, have a remarkable ability to resurface and attach themselves to any available trigger, all in an attempt to make themselves known and brought to your conscious attention. 

Their presence wields significant influence over your decision-making, acting as poignant reminders of unresolved issues and past traumas. In such moments, you’re no longer making a decision based on the present moment; instead, you find yourself reliving the past.

This aspect of your experience requires attention.

When focusing on the felt sense of self-doubt, there’s a possibility that resistance, like an internal alarm, may manifest physically within your body, cautioning you against proceeding. Self-doubt might present itself as a sensation urging you not to move forward. You can gently acquaint yourself with the way this inner resistance feels, allowing space for it, and accepting it as a natural part of your internal experience. Through this acknowledgment, you’ll come to realize that you need not be governed by it.

Creating a Safe Space for your Felt Sense

Creating a safe space for our feelings is not always comfortable or pleasant. The sensations that emerge from overwhelming emotions, such as the tightening of the belly, a racing heart, tension in the head, and the anxiety that propels us to flee, can be intensely painful. These physical sensations can be daunting to endure within the realm of our emotional awareness.

Our natural inclination is to avoid pain or discomfort, often leading us to rationalize or intellectualize our emotions because confronting them in their raw, unfiltered state can be distressing.

Nonetheless, learning to safely embrace the full spectrum of sensations that manifest in our bodies means granting yourself permission to explore your humanity. It involves allowing yourself to experience the entirety of your emotions and sensations, even the painful ones, within a safe and contained space. By doing so, you can establish a profound connection with the core of your being and embark on a transformative journey of self-discovery and personal growth.

Creating Anchor Points

Delving too deeply into the felt sense can lead to overwhelm, particularly for those of us who have endured severe abuse at the hands of our narcissistic parent. That’s why a gradual approach, where we give ourselves permission to feel a little, then withdraw, feel a little more, then withdraw again, and so forth, is a more prudent approach than to fully allow ourselves to suddenly feel a rush of everything we have pushed deep down inside all at once.

Consequently, it’s important to establish anchor points to ensure that you can navigate these emotional depths without losing yourself in the process.

Safe spaces in the body

Identifying places in your body where you feel safe or neutral can serve as anchors for grounding and self-regulation.

Pause for a moment and turn your attention inward. Is there a particular area in your body where you experience a sense of safety or neutrality? It could be in your stomach, shoulders, or even your feet. For those who follow ancient wisdom practices, anchoring yourself on a chakra point, like the root chakra, can also be a valuable anchor point to consider.

When you identify such a place, you can use it as a reference point to return to whenever you need grounding or a sense of safety.

The word Safety

Another anchor point could be identifying what comes to mind when I say the word “safety” to you. As you concentrate on the word “safety,” let your mind and body explore the feelings, visuals, and sensations associated with it.

Breath Focus

The 4-7-8 Breath is a technique that involves changing the breathing pattern by inhaling for a count of 4, holding the breath for 7, and exhaling for 8. It’s a simple but effective way to calm the nervous system quickly.

Altering your breathing pattern by inhaling more briefly and exhaling for a longer duration can help signal safety to your body. Longer exhalations activate the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation.

Body movement or Tapping

Engaging in gentle stretching, shaking, and tapping your body can help discharge the built-up tension in your muscles.

These techniques can be used as anchor points that you can safely always return to if the feeling in your body becomes too overwhelming. Remember you are not your emotions; you have the experience of your emotions. You have the power to become the observer of these experiences.

Own Yourself and Your Experiences, You are More Powerful Than You Know

The scapegoat serves as the solitary witness to the true identity of the narcissistic parent. They see beyond the masks, the concealed addictions – whether it be to drugs, alcohol, money, playing the victim, or seeking power. They often stand alone in their refusal to accept the imposed narrative that others in the family normalize. The scapegoat is often the sanest and most grounded family member that speaks the truth in a dysfunctional family system. 

And this is why it now becomes so important for you to give yourself the self compassion and attention that is very much needed on your healing journey. Self-compassion involves extending the same kindness, understanding, and support to yourself that you might readily offer to a close friend. It’s a way to nurture your inner self, recognizing that the journey you’ve been on, with all its trials and tribulations, deserves your care and empathy.

Understand that it’s perfectly acceptable to feel the emotions that come with those experiences, whether it’s anger, sadness, or frustration. By allowing yourself to fully feel and accept these emotions, you’re giving yourself permission to heal.

Self-compassion also means not blaming yourself for the circumstances you were placed in or the actions of others and allowing yourself to no longer carry burdens that are not yours to carry. 

Remember, you were the innocent party in a dysfunctional family system, and you didn’t cause the problems you faced. The dysfunction lies with the narcissistic parent and the family dynamics, not with you. You do not have the power to control how others react to this situation, or whether they choose to continue living their lives serving the narcissist or not. However, the choices they decide to make are their own, and it is not fair for anyone to ask you to jump onto a sinking ship just because they refuse to step onto the ground you are standing on.

As Carl Jung famously said: “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious.”

Published on: August 3, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach