The toxic cycles of a narcissistic family system

Published on: February 1, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Toxic Cycles

Narcissists often manipulate their children through a predictable cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard. It’s no secret that this pattern can be incredibly confusing and damaging for any developing child.

It’s important to note that these stages may not happen in a linear fashion, and they might overlap. The experiences will also vary widely depending on the type of narcissist. The following cycle is an example that mirrors my own upbringing, and I encourage you to become aware of and write about the toxic loops that you have experienced within your own narcissistic family system.

The Idealization Stage

The idealization stage for a scapegoat within a narcissistic family system can be a bewildering and contradictory experience. Initially, the narcissistic parent may lavish the scapegoat with affection and attention, much like they would with a “golden child.” These initial positive interactions may instill a sense of security and belonging in the scapegoat.

However, this idealization comes with conditions. The level of affection bestowed upon the scapegoat is dictated by the narcissistic parent’s needs, desires, and the image they wish to project to the world.

As a result, the scapegoat may receive conflicting messages right from their earliest interactions. They might be praised and “shown off” one minute, like a little trophy, only to be subtly undermined or sabotaged the next, leading to a dissonance that undermines their trust in their own perception of reality.

As the child may yearn for the love and approval of the parent, they may also simultaneously dread the unpredictable outbursts and emotional neglect that they begin to be subjected to when the parent isn’t happy. The inconsistent and narcissistic parenting will eventually take a toll on the scapegoat’s self-esteem.

While the idealization stage may appear positive on the surface, it ultimately ensnares the scapegoat in a trap. It fosters a false sense of hope and impedes their ability to recognize abuse as they grow older. This stage lays the groundwork for a lifelong struggle with self-doubt, codependency, and difficulty in forming healthy attachments.

My own upbringing provides a clear illustration of this dynamic. There are numerous videos and photographs captured by my father that seemingly depict moments of joy and happiness during my childhood and even adulthood. Sometimes, he would gather me to watch these “cherished memories” as a way to reassure me of my mother’s love, especially following episodes where her actions triggered my panic disorder, resulting in uncontrollable physical reactions. However, rather than acknowledging these reactions as valid responses to distress, they were often dismissed as irrational tantrums. Instead, my father would emphasize the presence of “love” within our dysfunctional household by highlighting these seemingly happy moments, as if they could somehow outweigh or nullify the impact of the abuse.

But are these moments truly happy? While labeling them as “happy” may be a stretch, it’s true that there may be good times amidst the dysfunction. Narcissistic abuse is not always obvious as it can be cyclical. This coming and going of “happy” moments is precisely why it becomes so difficult for victims to truly grasp the reality of their situation.

The Devaluation Stage

The happy facade eventually crumbles as the scapegoat is singled out and enters the devaluation stage. This is when the once “special little one” begins to notice the fractures in the family dynamic. They might start expressing their opinions, challenging the unreasonable expectations imposed by the narcissistic parent, or asserting their individuality against the parent’s desire for control. However, this newfound sense of self is met with a chilling response.

The affectionate gaze of the narcissistic parent turns icy. The scapegoat’s emotional needs and desires are disregarded, mocked, or met with feigned indifference. Guilt and shame become potent weapons, manipulated to coerce the child back into submission.

The child’s perceived “defiance” triggers a campaign of devaluation. The narcissistic parent, aided by enablers within the family, unleashes a barrage of criticism, blaming the child’s personality, behavior, stubbornness, or emotions for their own emotional dysregulation and persistent unhappiness. The scapegoat becomes an easy target, blamed for everything that goes wrong. Their individuality, once tolerated, is now viewed as a threat to the narcissist’s control.

As the scapegoat grows older, their teenage and young adult aspirations become battlegrounds. Their goals and dreams are met with scorn and indifference. Their unique perspective and emotional expression are seen as inconvenient truths that disrupt the carefully constructed family facade. Interests and hobbies are discouraged, supplanted by a predetermined path dictated by the narcissist.

Meanwhile, the golden child may enjoy favoritism and encouragement, exacerbating the contrast and leaving the scapegoat feeling inadequate and incapable. The constant negativity fosters a sense of being trapped, unfulfilled, and directionless.

The Discard Stage

During their teenage and young adult years, the narcissistic parent may escalate their abuses on the scapegoat. The consistent attacks and relentless antagonisms prompt the scapegoat to become highly reactive. Attempts to minimize contact with the narcissistic parent, and even attempts to flee are perceived as rebellious acts that occur for “mysterious reasons” by the rest of the family.

In response to the scapegoat’s resistance, the narcissistic parent may resort to punitive measures, frequently discarding them. This could involve giving the silent treatment, where the parent completely ignores their child for prolonged periods of time, while simultaneously claiming worry and victimhood to anyone who listens.

This ongoing dynamic can be profoundly traumatic, resulting in lasting damage to the scapegoat’s self-esteem and mental well-being.

Moreover, the discard stage can engender a profound sense of displacement in the scapegoat’s life. They may struggle to establish healthy relationships and find it challenging to connect with their own identity. The constant cycle of rejection and abandonment can erode their trust in others and hinder their ability to form meaningful connections. Alternatively, it may drive them to seek validation from anyone who shows them attention, rendering them vulnerable to exploitation by manipulators outside the narcissistic family structure.

The Hoovering Stage

If the scapegoat leaves, or minimizes contact, the narcissistic family may use various tactics to try and lure the scapegoat back into the family dynamic. These tactics are harmful and manipulative.

Here are some examples of the tactics that may be used during the hoovering stage:

Love-Bombing

After a period of coldness or rejection, the scapegoat may be lured back in by a calculated campaign known as love-bombing. This deceptive tactic involves a sudden shower of affection, compliments, and gifts. The message is clear: “Come back, we love you!” However, beneath this facade lies a manipulative agenda designed to:

• Reignite Yearning: The sudden shift in behavior taps into the scapegoat’s natural desire for connection and love. After experiencing isolation and neglect, the scapegoat may be vulnerable to believing this newfound affection is genuine.

• Erode Boundaries: The love-bombing softens the scapegoat’s defenses, making them more susceptible to manipulation. Boundaries that were previously established may begin to crumble, leaving the scapegoat open to future abuse.

• Distort Reality: The intense affection creates a confusing dissonance with past experiences. The scapegoat may begin to doubt their own memories and perceptions, questioning if the abuse was ever that bad.

• Regain Control: Ultimately, the goal of love-bombing is to regain control of the scapegoat. Once the scapegoat is back in the fold, the cycle of abuse can begin anew.

Love-bombing is particularly insidious because it preys on the scapegoat’s emotional vulnerabilities. The desire for connection and the hope that things can change can be powerful motivators. However, remember that this affection is not genuine. It’s a temporary performance.

Flying Monkeys

The narcissistic family member may enlist the involvement of a third party, be it another family member or friend, in their efforts to pass on messages of “concern” or communicate their “feelings” with the scapegoat. By doing so, they aim to induce feelings of guilt within the scapegoat for not acquiescing to their demands or for “causing discord” with the third party by not complying.

Despite their seemingly “neutral” stance, flying monkeys serve to perpetuate the narcissist’s agenda and are not safe allies for the scapegoat.

They might say things like, “Don’t you love your family?” or “Why are you tearing the family apart?” They may try to rationalize the narcissist’s actions, claiming that they mean well and miss the scapegoat terribly. Such statements are designed to manipulate the scapegoat into feeling guilty for setting boundaries or seeking distance from the toxic family environment.

Sudden Requests for Help

After a period of silence or ostracization, the scapegoat may be surprised by a sudden request for help from a family member. This seemingly olive branch often masks a web of manipulation. These requests are rarely genuine attempts at reconciliation, but rather calculated maneuvers designed to:

• Reassert Control: By asking for help, the family member subtly attempts to regain power over the scapegoat. They remind the scapegoat of their “obligation” to the family unit, chipping away at boundaries that have been set.

• Disregard Past Abuse: The casual nature of the request ignores the emotional trauma inflicted on the scapegoat. It’s as if the abuse never happened.

• Guilt Trip and Exploit: The family member may resort to guilt-tripping, reminding the scapegoat of past favors or sacrifices made on their behalf.

• Create Confusion: The sudden shift from silence to requesting help can be incredibly confusing and frustrating for the scapegoat. It creates a sense of cognitive dissonance, leaving them questioning if they should comply.

• Trap the Scapegoat: If the scapegoat refuses the request, they are then painted as the villain – the one who is “rejecting” their loving family. This manipulation tactic deflects blame and keeps the scapegoat trapped in the cycle of abuse.

The core issue stems from the narcissist’s distorted sense of entitlement. They harbor the belief that the world owes them something, yet they consistently disregard the needs, feelings, and experiences of the scapegoated child. This unbalanced dynamic ensures that any assistance offered by the narcissist comes with strings attached, while any support or aid they receive is viewed as rightfully theirs, simply because they believe they are entitled to it. This entitlement-driven mentality perpetuates a toxic cycle wherein the scapegoat is continually manipulated and exploited for the narcissist’s benefit, without any genuine consideration for their well-being.

Toxic Gifts and Holiday Cards

Gifts may be sent by mail or dropped off at the door on special occasions such as birthdays or holidays. The purpose of these gifts is never genuine love; rather, they are just another manipulation tactic meant to confuse the scapegoat into feeling guilty for setting healthy boundaries for themselves. These gifts are, in fact, weapons. Their message is: “See? We still love you despite your horrible character, despite how unlovable you are, and despite the fact that you rejected us after everything that we did for you. Look at how good we are. We are still here, waiting for your return because we are selfless, caring, and good while you are evil, ungrateful, and irrational.”

The Return

If the scapegoat decides to return to the family fold, it is highly likely that the same dynamics that have always unfolded will carry on as if the scapegoat never left.

Published on: February 1, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach