Toxic guilt and the covert vulnerable narcissist

Published on: June 21, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Covert narcissists, unlike their flamboyant counterparts, operate in the shadows. They often present as withdrawn, shy, or even self-deprecating. But beneath this facade can lie a deep need for validation and control. One of their primary tools for manipulation is the weaponization of guilt.

Toxic Guilt Vs Healthy Guilt

Regular guilt is healthy and arises when we’ve done something wrong or inconsiderate. It motivates us to make amends and do better.

However, toxic guilt is a whole different beast. It may feel excessive and unwarranted. It’s an intense and persistent feeling of guilt that’s way out of proportion to the situation or your actions. This feeling can then have a domino effect on your mental health, leading you to blame yourself for things outside your control and taking on the burden of other people’s emotions or situations. As a result, it leads to a cycle of negative self-talk, rumination, and even self-sabotage.

The Grip of Toxic Guilt

Toxic guilt, characterized by crippling self-doubt and a focus on others’ needs, becomes the perfect tool for manipulation in the hands of someone like a covert narcissist. It creates a power imbalance, with the manipulator constantly reinforcing their target’s guilt, making them feel indebted. This dynamic allows the manipulator to hold all the power and control over the other person.

The constant barrage of guilt chips away at the target’s sense of self-worth, making them more susceptible to manipulation. As a result, the target becomes so focused on appeasing the manipulator and avoiding further guilt that they struggle to break free from the relationship.

Beware of Their Concern

Covert vulnerable narcissists often present themselves as selfless, concerned, caring, and empathetic individuals who have been unjustly affected by life circumstances or the actions of others. However, behind this façade of victimhood and care lies a grandiose, resentful, and chronically dissatisfied individual who feels entitled to release their pent-up frustrations on those closest to them, believing their feelings to be superior. They manipulate and distort the facts of any situation to make it appear as though they are the ones who have been wronged, even if they are the ones who instigated a fight or falsely accused a person of an imagined transgression. They use their supposed victimhood as an excuse to evade accountability for their actions and justify their boundary-crossing behaviors and constant violations.

• Manipulative “helping”: The covert vulnerable narcissist may offer to assist others but use it as an opportunity to control and manipulate, making the person feel guilty if they don’t comply with their demands.
• Invasion of privacy: They may invade others’ privacy by monitoring their activities, claiming it is for their safety, but it is actually a way to exert control over their life.
• Sabotaging others’ happiness: They may become envious of others’ happiness and try to undermine it, making others feel guilty for their success or downplaying their achievements.
• Pressuring others: They may pressure others into doing things they don’t want to do by using guilt-tripping tactics and making them feel obligated to comply with their demands.
• Playing the victim: They may play the victim and make others feel guilty for not meeting their needs, using it as a justification for their unrealistic expectations and demands.
• Financial control: They may justify taking control of someone else’s finances by claiming they know better, using guilt-tripping tactics to justify their actions.
• Avoiding responsibility: They may avoid taking responsibility for their bad behavior by twisting conversations and making it seem like others are ungrateful for their care.
• Isolating others: They may discourage others from spending time with friends or seeking help, claiming they are the only one who truly cares and understands them.
• Evading accountability: They may distort facts and manipulate situations to appear as victims, even if they were the ones who instigated conflicts.
• Emotional blackmail: They may threaten self-harm or withdrawal of care and support to manipulate others into complying with their demands.
• Lack of empathy: They may redirect conversations to focus on their own needs and emotions, lacking empathy for others who may be in distress.

Covert vulnerable narcissists are malcontents, who excel at triggering people’s pity and at manipulating the truth to shift blame.

Addressing your feelings of guilt after going no (or low) contact with a narcissistic family system

Published on: June 21, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach