Triangulation: When the narcissist brings a third party to reinforce their self-created conflicts

Published on: January 31, 2023

Triangulation

When the narcissist invites a third party to help them win their self-created conflicts.

Triangulation in a narcissistic family system is a sinister game of manipulation and control where relationships among family members are deliberately distorted to maintain the illusion of harmony, preserve the status quo and suppress any dissent. It weaves a tangled web of deceit and misinformation, where the narcissistic parent is the puppet master and other family members are the pawns in their power play. The technique involves pitting family members against each other, creating a triangular dynamic where the parent holds the reigns and everyone else is kept in line through manipulation, guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail. The end goal is to maintain their control over the family narrative, discredit the perceptions of the scapegoated child and safeguard their authority. It’s a cruel cycle of division and domination, where the truth is distorted, and reality is bent to fit the narcissistic parent’s twisted vision of the world.

Triangulation in a narcissistic family system is done through various tactics and strategies, some examples include:

Creating alliances

The narcissistic parent may create alliances with certain family members and pit them against others, often labeling or scapegoating certain family members as the problem while presenting themselves as the solution. In a narcissistic family system, there are the designated devils, and the designated angels.

Gaslighting

The narcissistic parent may manipulate or distort the reality of certain events or experiences, causing confusion and doubt among family members. This can create tension and mistrust among family members, making them more dependent on the narcissistic parent for information and support. About Ungaslighting yourself

Playing the victim

The narcissistic parent may present themselves as a victim of other family members’ behavior or actions, even when they themselves are the instigators, drawing sympathy and support from others and creating further division among family members. About the covert vulnerable narcissist

Secret-keeping

The narcissistic parent may use secrets and information as a way to control or manipulate family members. This could involve threatening to reveal embarrassing or damaging information about a family member, or using privileged information to manipulate others.

Blaming others

The narcissistic parent may deflect their own responsibility for problems and conflicts onto others, causing family members to turn on each other and further perpetuating the triangle of relationships.

These tactics and strategies can lead to a toxic and dysfunctional family dynamic, where family members are often in conflict with each other, and feel trapped, confused, and isolated. It reinforces the power and control of the narcissistic parent, while undermining the relationships and well-being of other family members.

Examples of a Narcissistic Parent Triangulating their Scapegoated Child

A narcissistic parent constantly compares their favorite child to the scapegoat, making the favorite child feel superior and the scapegoat feel inferior. The parent pits the two children against each other, causing them to compete and argue, while they remain the central figure in their lives.
A narcissistic parent tells his spouse and children different versions of the same story, causing confusion and mistrust among them. They then accuse the scapegoat of causing the confusion, blaming them for the resulting conflicts and tensions in the family.
A narcissistic parent constantly plays the victim, claiming to be unfairly treated by the scapegoat. They use this to manipulate other family members into taking their side so that they may continue to use the scapegoat as their emotional punching back.
A narcissistic parent deliberately withholds important information from the scapegoat, causing them to feel isolated and confused. The parent then uses this as an opportunity to criticize and blame the scapegoat for their lack of knowledge or involvement in family matters.
A narcissistic parent shames and criticizes the scapegoat in front of others, causing them to feel embarrassed and humiliated. The parent then turns to other family members for support and validation, further perpetuating the triangle of relationships. They will also further shame the scapegoated child for being too embarrassed to interact with the people that they badmouthed them to.
A narcissistic parent uses secrets and privileged information to manipulate and control the scapegoat. They may threaten to reveal embarrassing or damaging information, or use it as leverage in conflicts and arguments.
A narcissistic parent is often competitive with their scapegoated child and will belittle their accomplishments in an attempt to maintain superiority and dominance in the family dynamic. They may brag about the child’s success in public gatherings, but this false praise is only another manipulative tactic. The child is left to feel invalidated, confused and unvalued.
A narcissistic parent uses guilt and emotional manipulation to control the scapegoat. They may play on the scapegoat’s sense of responsibility and loyalty to the family, causing them to feel trapped and powerless.
A narcissistic parent accuses the scapegoat of being the source of all problems in the family, causing other family members to turn against them and creating further division and conflict. The parent then uses this to maintain control and power over the family dynamic.

When the enablers take part in the process of triangulation

Enablers often engage in a pattern of denial, minimization, and normalization of the erratic behaviors displayed by an emotionally unstable family member. They do so with the goal of preserving the facade of “family peace,” avoiding any disruption of their lives, even in the face of ongoing abuse within the household. While they may possess awareness of the underlying dysfunction, since they are not the primary targets, they choose to maintain a significant emotional distance to evade accountability for the emotionally unstable family member’s actions.

When the scapegoat reaches out for support, disrupting the illusion of tranquility, enablers may respond with expressions of powerlessness, feigned bewilderment, or even frustration and anger. They may shift the blame onto the scapegoat by attacking their character and suggesting they haven’t tried hard enough to avoid abuse. In moments when the scapegoat expresses heartbreak about the absence of a healthy and loving parent-child relationship or unmet basic needs, enablers may react with exasperation. Ultimately, when the scapegoat establishes definitive boundaries and pushes back, enablers may go as far as severing ties with them.

An enabler may publicly align with the narcissistic parent in criticizing and belittling the scapegoat, while privately offering them comfort and support. This creates confusion and division within the family.
An enabler may use guilt-tripping tactics to pressure the scapegoat into submitting to the demands of the narcissistic parent, such as by saying things like “It’s just for the good of the family.”
An enabler may present themselves as a mediator in disputes between the scapegoat and the narcissistic parent, but in reality, they are siding with the latter and reinforcing their abusive behavior.
An enabler may use their close relationship with the narcissistic parent to control access to information and resources, making it difficult for the scapegoat to have their voice heard or receive the support they need.
An enabler may manipulate the emotions of the scapegoat by offering false hope or playing on their vulnerabilities, all while maintaining loyalty to the narcissistic parent.
An enabler may use flattery and praise to win the favor of the narcissistic parent, while undermining the credibility and self-esteem of the scapegoat. They will belittle the scapegoat, and reinforce the scapegoat’s inferior status in the family, to secure the narcissist’s approval.
An enabler may act as a spy for the narcissistic parent, reporting back on the actions and words of the scapegoat to remain in good standing with the narcissist.

Examples of triangulating phrases:

Your siblings/cousins don’t seem to like spending time with you.
This is why [someone you cared about] left you. Nobody could ever love someone like you.
This is why nobody likes you.
You don’t understand what is really happening in the family.
You always cause conflicts with other family members.
Why can’t you be more like [sibling/cousin]?
My coworkers have a crazy family too. It’s normal. you’re the one who is irrational.
You’re the reason our family gatherings are never enjoyable.
I’ve heard complaints about your behavior from multiple family members.
Why can’t you handle criticism and drama like [sibling/cousin] does?
Why can’t you just do what I do? They are crazy around me too.
I don’t think you’re capable of being a functional member of our family.

Learn about the Gray Rock Method to protect yourself when dealing with toxic individuals and unhealthy dynamics

Learn more about Gaslighting here

Learn more about Narcissistic family systems here

How to think of your situation when you are the family scapegoat