Trigger Management Tool for Scapegoated Survivors of Narcissistic Parenting: S.N.O.W.

Published on: January 14, 2024

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

Triggers act as revealing windows, shedding light on deep-seated core wounds that often operate unconsciously. They offer an opportunity to understand the roots of self-destructive behaviors, fight responses, or avoidance patterns. 

What is a trigger?

A trigger refers to any stimulus, event, or situation that elicits a potent emotional or physiological response, often associated with past traumatic experiences. Triggers have the ability to provoke intense reactions, such as anxiety, fear, anger, or sadness, by activating the same survival response that occurred during the original traumatic event.

Triggers can vary widely from person to person, as they are highly subjective and rooted in individual experiences. They can be activated by even the smallest reminders, including sights, sounds, smells, facial expressions, or specific situations that resemble or recall the original trauma. The challenge with triggers is that many survivors may not consciously remember the specific memory associated with them. While the mind may have forgotten, the body and the subconscious retain everything and react accordingly.

Experiencing narcissistic parental abuse as a scapegoated survivor means facing a continuous barrage of daily antagonisms or complete neglect. This is often compounded by needless and unending conflicts, drama, boundary violations, and various forms of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse.

The cumulative effect of this ongoing exposure continuously triggers the nervous system into high reactivity. In the aftermath, the lack of a secure and safe environment, coupled with the absence of closure or opportunities for healing, leads the nervous system into a state of shutdown, complete dissociation, or coerced submission.

Learn more about the impact of narcissistic abuse on the nervous system here

These cycles place the nervous system in a constant state of sympathetic hyperarousal or parasympathetic hypoarousal, activating fight-or-flight responses or shutdown and dissociation mechanisms.

All this to say that deeply ingrained triggers are an inevitable outcome of such an upbringing.

Detecting When You are Triggered

Triggers have the power to transport us back to moments of helplessness, emotional hurt, or abandonment. Anything that we suppress will eventually find a way to manifest, and in the case of our deep emotional wounds, they emerge as triggers—seeking acknowledgment and latching onto anything resembling the original trauma. Triggers manifest as powerful urges, often accompanied by physical symptoms.

Signs of being triggered can manifest in various ways, both emotionally and physically. 

Emotional Intensity:

Sudden and intense emotional reactions, such as anger, fear, sadness, or anxiety, disproportionate to the current situation

Cognitive Changes:

Difficulty concentrating or focusing, racing thoughts, or intrusive memories related to past trauma.

Physical Symptoms:

Increased heart rate, rapid breathing, sweating, trembling, or other physical signs of heightened arousal.

Withdrawal or Shutdown:

A sudden desire to withdraw from others, becoming emotionally distant or shutting down in response to the trigger.

Defensiveness or Irritability:

Feeling defensive, easily irritated, or having a strong urge to protect oneself from perceived threats.

Hypervigilance:

Heightened sensitivity to the environment, being excessively alert, or feeling on edge, expecting danger.

Flashbacks:

Vivid recollections of past traumatic events, feeling as if the trauma is recurring in the present moment.

Avoidance Behaviors:

Actively avoiding situations, places, or people associated with the traumatic experience.

Difficulty in Communication:

Struggling to communicate effectively, expressing oneself in a way that may seem defensive or guarded.

Changes in Body Language:

Observable changes in body language, such as tensing of muscles, fidgeting, or a defensive posture.

S.N.O.W. Trigger Management Acronym

As I worked on my own recovery, I came across many wonderful techniques designed to help practice mindfulness when dealing with triggers. However, one missing component stood out—the reminder that a trigger is not permanent; it will pass. Wait for it to pass. This terrible feeling will not last forever. And so, I designed an acronym which reflected this mental exercise when triggered:

S: Stop

N: Name it

O: Observe 

W: Wait it out

S: Stop and breathe

The key here is to pause and not act out on the trigger. Pay attention to your body. As soon as you recognize the familiar physical sensations that come with the trigger, such as a racing heart, tension in your muscles, or a knot in your stomach, stop what you are doing and focus on your breath. Whether you are right or wrong is irrelevant at this point because it’s to your advantage to respond from a neutral state rather than from a reactive heightened state. You can choose to deal with the situation however you see fit later, but it is better not to while your body is experiencing a heightened state of arousal. Take deep, slow belly breaths to manage the intensity.

N: Name what you are experiencing

Verbalize the trigger and associated emotions to engage the logical side of your brain. Remember that you are not the trigger itself; you have the experience of it. Verbalizing it will help you shift your perspective as the observer of this experience. For example: I am feeling powerless, attacked, judged, blamed, disrespected, lonely, excluded, afraid to be honest, forgotten, manipulated, trapped, unsafe, disconnected

O: Observe your internal experience

Take a moment to inquire within: What is happening in my body? Observe the sensations and the swirling emotions that arise, recognizing that underneath each feeling, there is another, more vulnerable one. Being triggered can be likened to an elevator shaft with various floors, where the top floor represents your initial reaction. As one feeling leads to another, each floor unveils progressively deeper emotional or physical sensations, ultimately reaching the basement—a core shock or wound rooted in our past, often tracing back to childhood. This core wound, too painful to confront, propels the triggering pattern. For instance, feeling ignored may lead to feeling unworthy, which, in turn, may further lead to feeling unlovable and undeserving. Reflecting on past instances of similar feelings unravels and comprehends the intricate layers of triggers, guiding you back to the core wounds in need of acknowledgment and healing.

W: Wait it out

When triggered, the feeling may seem enduring, as if the painful reality is an eternal truth. However, you are experiencing this reality through the lens of a deep-seated wound. Remember that triggers, like waves, come and go—they are not permanent. At this juncture, it’s crucial to allow the physical sensations of the trigger to run their course. Exercise patience and maintain your focus on observing your bodily sensations without acting on them. As the trigger passes, you will return to a calm and even state, where once again you will be able to think clearly and make decisions from a perspective of calmness.

Published on: January 14, 2024

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach