Understanding Toxic Guilt and the Burden of Unjust Responsibility After Surviving A Narcissistic Family system

Published on: December 4, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

In dysfunctional families, children may often find themselves thrust into roles they are ill-equipped to handle, assuming adult responsibilities like being a parent’s therapist, best friend, confidant, special little helper, peace-maker, unmet need fulfiller, emotional relief system, or nurse, just to name a few.

As a result, they bear the responsibility to meet the emotional needs of family members holding unrealistic expectations—a task for which no child is emotionally equipped, as they essentially take on an adult’s emotional dysregulation as their burden.

The child is compelled to function as an extension of a dysregulated parent or caretaker, facing the threat of being completely cut off and torn apart if they resist.

To compound the challenge, when these children, consistently burdened with the responsibility of soothing their caretakers, find themselves in need of comfort, attention, unconditional love, or assistance in processing their emotions, the parent often turns on them and vilifies them for “causing trouble.” Subsequently, the parent may withhold love as a means of imparting a lesson on the consequences of diverting attention away from the parent’s incessant need for emotional devotion. This creates a lose-lose situation where the child has no option but to turn on themselves and internalize blame for “never being good enough.”

Such a parent who holds a narcissistic personality style may erroneously attribute blame to children for issues they should acknowledge reside within themselves and are their own responsibility to manage.

This dynamic creates a cycle where, conditioned from childhood, one carries a false sense of responsibility into adulthood, impacting one’s ability to establish healthy boundaries and maintain balanced relationships not only with other people but also with oneself.

Unfounded Guilt

Toxic guilt refers to an overwhelming feeling of remorse or self-blame that is disproportionate to the situation at hand. Unlike healthy guilt, which can prompt us to acknowledge when we’ve done something wrong and take corrective action, toxic guilt tends to linger, causing undue emotional distress.

For example:

• You might wrongly believe you are the cause of the family’s problems, even though dysfunction existed before you and involves multiple family members.
• You may feel guilty for setting boundaries or standing up for yourself, thinking you are causing trouble or being selfish by prioritizing your well-being.
• You might feel guilty for someone else’s unhappiness or anger, believing you should have done something differently to prevent it.
• You may feel guilty for achieving success or happiness, thinking you don’t deserve it or that it will upset others in the family.
• You might feel guilty for needing help or support, thinking you are burdensome or causing inconvenience to others.
• You might feel guilty for not living up to negative labels placed on you by family members, such as being lazy, selfish, or difficult, even when these labels are unfounded.
• You may feel guilty for family conflicts or tensions, believing you are the root cause, even when you are not involved or responsible.
• As you begin to heal and distance yourself from toxic family dynamics, you may feel guilty for growing apart from family members, thinking you are abandoning or betraying them.
• Due to consistent criticism and blame, you may internalize the belief that you are unlovable or unworthy, leading to feelings of guilt when receiving love or positive attention.
• You may feel guilty for taking time for self-care, setting boundaries, or prioritizing your needs, thinking you are being selfish or neglecting others.

Over time, this unfounded guilt can evolve into a chronic emotional state. Consequently, survivors may grapple with behavioral patterns that compel them to repeatedly relive their childhood traumas such as rapid self blame, excessive responsibility, self-censure, codependency, and even a compulsion to recreate a dysfunctional childhood environment in adult relationships is a means for the mind to attempt healing an old wound and solving an unsolvable problem.

The Importance of Self-Awareness to Break the Pattern 

Breaking free from the cycle of toxic guilt requires a profound level of self-awareness. Recognizing and acknowledging these feelings as unwarranted is the first step toward dismantling the pattern. Self-awareness empowers us to differentiate between genuine responsibility and the undue burden of toxic guilt.

Here are some important pointers to help distinguish toxic guilt from healthy guilt:

Intensity and Duration

• Toxic Guilt: Intense and persistent feelings of guilt that linger long after the event or situation.
• Healthy Guilt: Proportional guilt that arises in response to a specific action or circumstance and diminishes as the issue is addressed or resolved.

Source of Guilt

• Toxic Guilt: Arises from unrealistic or exaggerated expectations, often influenced by external factors or dysfunctional upbringing.
• Healthy Guilt: Originates from a genuine recognition of a wrongdoing or a breach of one’s values.

Responsibility

• Toxic Guilt: Assumes excessive responsibility for situations beyond one’s control or for the feelings of others.
• Healthy Guilt: Acknowledges responsibility for one’s actions and seeks constructive ways to address and rectify them.

Impact on Self-Worth

• Toxic Guilt: Erodes self-worth, leading to feelings of shame, inadequacy, and a pervasive sense of being inherently flawed.
• Healthy Guilt: Prompts self-reflection and accountability without fundamentally questioning one’s self-worth.

Relationship Dynamics

• Toxic Guilt: Contributes to codependency and unhealthy relationship patterns, where one may sacrifice personal needs to appease others.
• Healthy Guilt: Encourages open communication and mutual understanding in relationships, fostering growth and resolution.

Ability to Forgive Yourself

• Toxic Guilt: Hinders the ability to forgive oneself, leading to ongoing self-blame and internalized punishment.
• Healthy Guilt: Facilitates a process of learning, growth, and self-forgiveness, allowing for positive change.

Pattern of Recurrence

• Toxic Guilt: Tends to reoccur in various situations, creating a pervasive sense of guilt that extends beyond specific events.
• Healthy Guilt: Typically resolves after addressing the specific issue or taking corrective actions.

Influence on Decision-Making

• Toxic Guilt: Drives decisions based on the need for external validation or to avoid further feelings of guilt, often leading to unhealthy choices.
• Healthy Guilt: Guides decisions with a focus on personal values, growth, and ethical considerations.

Mindfullness practice

Engaging in mindfulness practice allows us to cultivate a deeper awareness of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It provides a unique opportunity to pause, reflect, and gain insights into our inner experiences. By taking a moment to introspect, we can uncover patterns, understand our reactions, and identify areas where we may need to set boundaries or make changes for our well-being.

Take a moment to reflect on the following questions:

• When reflecting on your personal life, your relationships, as well as your work and professional life, can you identify where you have difficulty saying “No”?
• What are the consequences of not saying “No”? How do you feel in the aftermath, both physically and emotionally?
• What are the negative beliefs surrounding the word “No”? What will happen if you say “No”?
• Where do these beliefs come from?
• What would be different in your life if you said no? Where would you be now?
• Can you identify areas in your life where you might not be saying “Yes” when you should be saying yes? What do you want to say “Yes” to?

Published on: December 4, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach