Ungaslighting yourself after being scapegoated

Published on: March 1, 2022

When They Tell You It Never Happened

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”

The Usual Suspects (1995)

I thought it was quite fitting to begin with a quote that encapsulates the insidious nature of gaslighting in a narcissistic family system so perfectly. Just as the devil in the quote convinces the world of his non-existence, the narcissist and the enablers convince the world, and even themselves, that the dysfunction poisoning their household doesn’t exist.

And when one fights back when targeted by something that doesn’t exist, they can only be labelled as crazy, emotionally dysregulated, unreasonable, spoiled, and treated as if they were but a child throwing tantrums.

When Gaslighted, You May Experience:

Feelings of Confusion.
Ruminations about the relationship.
You doubt your ability to reason.
You feel guilty or responsible for things that are not your fault.
You have a hard time making decisions or trusting your own judgment.
You find yourself constantly apologizing.
You feel isolated and alone, as if no one believes or understands your experiences.
You feel like you are “walking on eggshells” around the other person, trying to avoid their anger or disapproval.
You feel like you have to constantly “prove” your own reality to others.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, and enablers are equally responsible as the narcissist for perpetuating the toxic cycle within the family system. By failing to hold the narcissist accountable for their behavior, enablers prolong the abuse and directly contribute to keeping the victim trapped in the cycle of abuse.

Gaslighting is a despicable form of manipulation that can leave one feeling confused, hopeless, and sickened.

The Manipulative Language

Minimizing

Minimizing is when the gaslighter downplays the other person’s feelings and concerns by making them seem insignificant. They might use phrases such as “it’s not that big of a deal” or “it’s normal” to make the other person feel as if their concerns are not valid. The purpose is to make the other person feel like they are overreacting or being too sensitive and discourage them from addressing the issue.

Blaming

Blaming is when the gaslighter shifts the responsibility for the problem onto the other person by placing blame on them. They might use phrases such as “it’s your character” or “if only you had done things differently” to make the other person feel as if they are responsible for the narcissist’s behavior. The purpose is to make the other person feel guilty and discourage them from holding the narcissist accountable.

Diverting

Diverting is when the gaslighter changes the subject or redirects attention away from the other person’s concerns. They might use phrases such as “let’s not talk about this now” or “can we talk about something else” or straight up changes the subject to avoid addressing the issue. The purpose is to make the other person feel dismissed and discourage them from bringing up the issue again.

Projecting

Projecting occurs when the gaslighter shifts blame onto the other person by accusing them of having the same flaws as the narcissist. Phrases like “you’re always so negative” or “you have anger issues too” are used to deflect responsibility from themselves or the narcissist and create a sense of guilt in the other person. The goal is to make the victim feel accountable for the gaslighter’s actions and discourage them from holding the gaslighter responsible.

This distortion of reality is used to maintain a facade of peace and normalcy within the family. In this dynamic, the victim’s distress is dismissed as a minor inconvenience and is not taken seriously.

Despite recognizing the dysfunction and instability of the narcissistic family member, others within the family may choose to maintain the status quo and ignore the problem, rather than confront it and support the victim. This attitude not only harms the victim but also enables the narcissist to continue their behavior. Ultimately, the desire to maintain a sense of normalcy within the family often trumps the need to address the toxic behavior.

Gaslighting by a Narcissistic Family System Is:

Being made to feel guilty or ashamed for your feelings or emotions.
Having your thoughts and feelings dismissed or invalidated by family members.
Being told that your perceptions or memories are incorrect.
Being manipulated or influenced to question your own perceptions or memories.
Being isolated from friends, family, or other support systems.
Being told that toxic behavior is normal or that you are overreacting.
Being told that the abuse is just the culture.
Being made to feel like you are going crazy or that something is wrong with you.
Being accused of being dishonest or unfaithful.
Being told that you are the cause of the family member’s bad behavior.
Being blamed for the family’s problems.
Being told that you are not loyal or grateful enough.
Being told that you are not a “real” member of the family.
Being told that you are not allowed to have your own opinion or feelings.
Being scoffed at while trying to express your feelings.
Being shamed when showing proof of your experiences.
Being told that you are paranoid or delusional.
Being told that you are not remembering things correctly.
Being told that you are making things up.
Being told that you are overreacting.
Being told that you are being too emotional.
Being told that you are not capable of understanding what is happening.
Being told that you are being selfish or ungrateful for setting your limits.
Being told that you are not strong enough to handle the situation.
Being told that you should be grateful for what you have instead of complaining.
Being told that you should be happy with the way things are.
Being told that you should not bring negative attention to the family.
Being told that you should not talk about the issues within the family to outsiders.
Being told that you should not seek help or support. What happens in the family stays in the family.
Being told that you should not seek help, leave the abuser or try to change the situation.

Techniques to “un"gaslight Yourself

Boost Your Reality Awareness

You must become an active participant in validating and acknowledging your own reality. To do this, try this exercise in a private or quiet environment where you feel at ease. Start by speaking out loud and naming the actions and decisions you make throughout the day. Here are some examples:

“I am taking a shower, I am using the shampoo, I am washing my hair.”

“I am making breakfast, I am frying an egg, I am toasting bread.”

“I am getting dressed, I am putting on a red shirt, I am choosing blue pants.”

By speaking out loud, you’re strengthening the validity of your actions and helping your brain make the connection between your experiences and the words you’re using to describe them. This exercise can aid you in overcoming gaslighting and reinforce your sense of reality.

Acknowledge the Ridiculousness of the Narcissist

Oh boy, another attempt at gaslighting. Honestly, if you allow yourself to take a step back and look squarely at the situation, it is hard not to see the absolute ridiculousness of the narcissistic individual who will do whatever it takes just to be right, almost as a child would at a playground.

So, when your narcissistic parent tells you that you rejected your family when, in reality, you just set some healthy boundaries to protect yourself and establish your individuality, just imagine a silly voice in your mind saying something like, “Yes, I’m such a monster for having boundaries! My boundaries rejected you! How could I ever betray my family by taking care of myself…I am truly the greatest traitor that has ever walked on this earth! Only terrible people like me have limits and boundaries!” (cue eye-roll and exaggerated hand gestures).

Using a silly voice can help create distance between yourself and negative thoughts or emotions, making them seem less serious or threatening. And let’s be honest, how ridiculous is it that the narcissist will go to such great lengths just to be right, superior, flawless, and never take any accountability for what they do? Asking a narcissist to take accountability is like asking them to drink poison. Accountability is going to choke them to death, so they better get as far away from accountability as possible before it kills them. How ridiculous.

Ungaslight Yourself by Listening to Your Body

Your body is your ally. It knows about everything that has ever happened to you. It is the most important witness to the whole story of you. Trusting your body’s messages is an important aspect of self-care and self-compassion. It allows you to connect with your inner self, to listen to your intuition, and to understand your emotions. Your body is a powerful tool, and it can help you navigate through life’s challenges by providing you with signals and messages that can guide you towards taking care of yourself. These signals can be physical sensations such as pain, discomfort, or tightness, or they can be emotional sensations such as anxiety, sadness or anger. I would invite you to pay particular attention to disgust, as disgust is a warning sign of toxicity. Your body is telling you to stay away, as this person is poison.

The purpose of these messages is not to hurt you but to communicate important needs. Get curious about what your body is telling you, and strive to understand what it needs from you and where it needs attention and healing. By listening to our emotions and paying attention to what our body is telling us, we can gain valuable insights into our thoughts and behaviors.

Healthy Behaviors to Practice

Resist the urge to apologize for everything and instead use different words such as “I understand,” “I appreciate your perspective,” or “I see where you are coming from.”
Resist the urge to dumb down your experiences and don’t change the story just to people-please. Agree to disagree, and stand firm in your own beliefs and experiences.
Be aware of toxic empathy, it can be used as a weapon against you by manipulating your emotions and making you question your own feelings.
Stop engaging when you detect a gaslighting situation. This can be difficult, but it is essential to remove yourself from the situation in order to preserve your own mental and emotional well-being.
Let go of your need to be validated by the same people who gaslighted you. Your experiences don’t need approval, and it’s important to trust yourself and your own perceptions.
Use your feelings as a guide to identify where you should be laying down healthy boundaries. It’s important to set boundaries with those who gaslighted you, and to remove yourself from toxic relationships or situations.
Focus your energy on exploring your identity, and do not diminish your core values for anyone. It’s important to understand who you are and what is important to you.
Learn to trust yourself and your own perceptions and experiences again. This can take time and patience, and it may require professional help.
Practice self-care and self-compassion, and validate your own feelings and thoughts. This can include things like journaling, meditating, or talking to a therapist.
Establish new, healthy relationships and surround yourself with people who support and validate you. It’s important to have a support system of people who understand and believe you.
Seek professional help, like therapy, to help you process the trauma and to help you develop the tools to cope with future gaslighting. A therapist can provide a safe and supportive environment to process the experiences and to develop coping mechanisms.
Document all your interactions if you smell a gaslighter. Use these records as tools to keep you grounded.

Write Down Your Experiences

Journaling is a powerful tool that can help you process and understand your thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Writing down what you’ve gone through and how you feel about it can help you identify patterns, work through complex emotions, and gain a new perspective on your life. The process of putting pen to paper and reflecting on your experiences can provide a sense of catharsis and release, allowing you to feel lighter and more at peace.

Additionally, journaling is a way of acknowledging and validating your experiences, even if no one else does. Writing about what you’re going through can help you recognize your own strength and resilience, and serve as a reminder of how far you’ve come. When you look back on your journal entries in the future, you’ll have a record of your growth and a source of inspiration as you continue to navigate life’s ups and downs.

In order to make the most of journaling, it’s important to approach it with an open mind and a non-judgmental attitude. Write about whatever comes to mind, without censorship or fear of criticism. You can reflect on your day-to-day experiences, your emotions, or your long-term goals and aspirations. You can also experiment with different writing styles, such as free-writing, structured prompts, or creative writing. The key is to find what works best for you and make journaling a consistent part of your self-care routine.

Remember

When a person gaslights, they try to manipulate and control the other person by making them question their own reality, memories, and perceptions. They may deny things that have happened, twist facts, or blame the other person for things that are not their fault. The goal of gaslighting is to make the other person feel confused and isolated.

Using logic and proof to validate one’s experiences will not be effective because the focus is not on the reality of the argument, but rather on the individual’s desire to be right. Attempting to argue with someone who consistently disregards facts and evidence in order to maintain their beliefs is futile.

You must view the situation for what it really is, and accept that this person may no longer be safe for you.

Trust yourself and your own experiences. Trust your body’s messages. Reach out for support from friends, a support group, or a therapist who can validate your experiences and help you regain a sense of trust in yourself. You deserve to have your experiences and feelings validated, and you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Keep a journal to document any instances of gaslighting and the way it makes you feel. Continue to educate yourself about gaslighting and its effects so you can better recognize it and understand why it is happening.

If you feel crazy or confused, then take it as a sign that you are being gaslighted, and remove yourself from the situation.