What do you want me to do about it? When enablers of a narcissistic family system are complicit to abuse.

Published on: February 16, 2023

Who is the family scapegoat?

Scapegoating is a psychologically impactful and emotionally detrimental phenomenon observed within families or social groups. In this dynamic, a person is unjustly blamed, targeted, and mistreated for the group’s problems and conflicts, regardless of their actual responsibility. This person becomes the focal point for criticism and negative attention.

In the context of narcissistic family systems, the central figure, often characterized by emotional dysregulation and either antagonistic or passive-aggressive traits, consistently directs their focus towards a specific family member as a way to assert dominance, maintain control, and deflect attention away from their own inadequacies.

This targeted individual, known as the family scapegoat, becomes a receptacle for the narcissist’s unresolved emotions, frustrations, and insecurities. The scapegoat serves as a convenient outlet for the central figure’s need to project blame and maintain a distorted sense of superiority. Through a pattern of relentless criticism, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation, the narcissistic central figure seeks to undermine the scapegoat’s self-esteem and autonomy, ensuring their continued subjugation within the family dynamic. The scapegoat’s resistance to conformity and refusal to tolerate mistreatment challenges the narcissist’s fragile sense of control, further intensifying the targeted abuse and perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction within the family unit.

Learn more about narcissistic family systems here

Enablers, within the context of a family or social group, are those who, by their actions or lack of action, lend support and reinforcement to the toxic behavior exhibited by the emotionally dysregulated and abusive family member. Enablers can manifest in various roles, including siblings, spouses, aunts, uncles, grandparents, or family friends.

Their complicity in the abuse emerges from their silence, inaction, and their tendency to invalidate the victim’s experiences. Enablers often make a choice to overlook or diminish the abusive conduct they witness, essentially creating a protective shield around the abuser. This shield insulates the abuser from being held accountable and deflects criticism, thereby safeguarding them from facing the consequences of their actions.

By claiming powerlessness and failing to intervene, enablers not only abstain from aiding the victim, but they also shift the burden of responsibility for the abuse back onto the victim. This further disempowers the victim, leaving them feeling defenseless, scarred, and isolated as they grapple with their traumas.

What are they thinking? Here is a rundown of common reasons why enablers enable and throw the scapegoat to the wolves.

Fear of Repercussions: Enablers may be afraid of the consequences they could face if they challenge or confront the abusive individual. This fear may include threats, retaliation, or emotional manipulation from the abuser.
Maintaining the Illusion of Family Unity: Enablers may prioritize the appearance of a cohesive family or social group over the well-being of the victim. They may believe that exposing the abuse would disrupt this facade, which they may feel is essential for family harmony or their own social standing.
Personal Gain: In some cases, enablers may benefit from the abusive individual’s actions. This could involve financial gain, preferential treatment, or avoiding becoming the target of the abuse themselves.
Manipulation and Control: Abusers often use manipulation and control tactics to influence enablers. They may exploit the enabler’s emotional vulnerabilities, fears, or insecurities to ensure their compliance.
Psychological Dependence: Enablers may have developed a psychological dependence on the abusive individual. They might believe that they need the abuser for emotional support, self-esteem, or a sense of purpose, even if this support is inconsistent or conditional.
Lack of Empathy: Some enablers may not fully recognize the extent of the abuse or its negative impact on the victim. They may downplay the situation, justify the abuser’s behavior, or believe that the victim is exaggerating their suffering.
Cultural or Societal Norms: Cultural or societal norms can influence an enabler’s behavior. In some cultures, there may be strong expectations to maintain family unity and avoid disclosing internal issues, which can discourage enablers from speaking out.
Lack of Empowerment: Enablers may feel powerless to intervene and may believe that their actions won’t make a difference. They might also lack the necessary skills or resources to support the victim effectively.

Enablers within a narcissistic family system often play a crucial role in perpetuating dysfunction, yet many of them may not even realize the extent of their involvement in the problem. These enablers typically enable the narcissist’s behavior by either actively supporting and reinforcing it or by passively allowing it to continue unchecked. Despite their complicity, many enablers may choose to dissociate themselves from the situation, acting as if they are unaware of the dynamics at play or unsure of who to believe.

Ways in Which Enablers Contribute to Abuse

Denying the Existence of Abuse: Enablers who deny the existence of abuse often trivialize the victim’s complaints, downplaying the severity of the mistreatment or dismissing it entirely. This invalidation of the victim’s experience perpetuates the cycle of abuse, leaving the victim feeling unsupported and uncertain about their reality. Consequently, seeking help or escaping the situation becomes challenging.
Shielding the Abuser: Enablers actively defend the actions of the narcissistic individual, protecting them from accountability and allowing the abuse to persist. Their defense often includes statements like “It’s just the way things are,” “This is normal in our family,” or “You don’t understand what they’ve been through.” By invalidating and normalizing the victim’s suffering, and sometimes resorting to gaslighting, victim-blaming, or making excuses for the abuser, enablers reinforce the cycle of abuse and obstruct efforts to hold the abuser responsible.
Blaming the Victim: Enablers may shift blame onto the victim for the abuse, thereby further minimizing the narcissistic individual’s accountability. They might insinuate that the victim somehow provoked the abuser’s mistreatment by not “walking on eggshells” around them. Comments like “You know how they get when you…” and “Why can’t you just ignore them?” contribute to a toxic dynamic that hinders the victim’s ability to seek help or escape the situation.
Active Participation in the Narcissist’s Narrative: Some enablers engage in the abuse directly, whether through their actions, words, or their silence. This participation can involve minimization, invalidation, denial, mistreatment, spreading harmful rumors, or partaking in group bullying.
Sabotaging Escape Efforts: Enablers may discourage the victim from seeking help or leaving the abusive environment, effectively keeping them trapped in the cycle of abuse. This may involve inducing guilt by accusing the victim of “abandoning the family,” issuing threats, maligning the victim, or undermining their escape attempts. Enablers can act as “flying monkeys,” allies of the abuser who work to maintain control and draw the victim back into the abusive situation, thus perpetuating the toxic dynamic and impeding the victim’s pursuit of help or freedom.
Reinforcing Toxic Family Dynamics: Enablers may enforce toxic family dynamics by promoting secrecy and shame, contributing to the perpetuation of abuse. This can include demanding that the victim keeps the abuse confidential, discouraging them from seeking assistance, or making them feel guilty for speaking out. By upholding these harmful dynamics, enablers continue the cycle of abuse, making it difficult for the victim to escape the situation or access support.

Enablers have their reasons for maintaining the status quo, ranging from fear of retaliation to a misguided belief that they are preserving family peace. However, their enabling behavior not only perpetuates the cycle of toxicity but also inflicts harm on the victim, who may feel trapped and powerless, wondering if there is any possibility for change.

Reclaim Your Well-being in a Narcissistic Family System

Recognize the Weight of False Responsibility

First and foremost, acknowledge that the abuse you’re enduring is real and not your fault. Healthy relationships are characterized by freedom, love, and respect and do not walk hand in hand with persistent feelings of guilt, shame, confusion, and the destruction of another’s sense of self-worth. More importantly, nothing is a justification for another person to inflict physical, psychological, or emotional abuse.

Abusers always have a “reason” to abuse, and they excel at turning things around to make it seem like their behavior is warranted. Become familiar with DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. This manipulative tactic involves the abuser denying their actions, attacking the victim, and reversing roles by portraying themselves as the true victim. Recognizing DARVO can help you see through these tactics and maintain clarity about the abusive dynamics at play.

DARVO stands for: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

Deny: Abusers often begin by flatly denying that they have done anything wrong. They may refuse to acknowledge their harmful actions, even in the face of clear evidence. Denial allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior.
Attack: When confronted with the accusation of abuse, the abuser may respond with aggression or counterattacks. They may shift the blame onto the victim, accusing them of being overly sensitive, imagining things, or even being the one responsible for the abusive behavior. This attack phase is meant to intimidate and deflect attention away from the abuser’s actions.
Reverse Victim and Offender: In this phase, the abuser strategically reverses the roles, presenting themselves as the victim and the actual victim as the offender. They might portray the victim as the one who has caused harm, creating a narrative where they are unfairly persecuted. This manipulation aims to garner sympathy and support while further disorienting the true victim.

Consider No or Low Contact

When others consistently refuse to acknowledge the gravity of your situation, emotional disengagement is advisable. This can be achieved through no contact or implementing the gray rock method for low contact. Learn about the gray rock here

Avoid Isolation

Seek support from a therapist, coach or support group to navigate the challenging circumstances you’re in. This offers guidance and resources to make informed decisions and commence the healing process.

Validate Your Feelings

Acknowledge and validate your emotions, including fear, anger, and frustration. This acknowledgment enables you to process your feelings and discover healthy coping mechanisms.

More about emotions here

More about triggers here

Learn About Narcissistic Abuse

Knowledge is empowering. Educate yourself about narcissistic abuse, including the role of enablers in perpetuating it. This understanding helps you grasp the dynamics of the situation and empowers you to take protective measures. About narcissistic family systems here

Accept Your Limits and Establish Boundaries

Recognize that you cannot control others’ actions, feelings, or choices. When you set boundaries, you can’t predict their response. If their reaction is abusive or enables abuse, it’s clear that they are not safe for you.

Remember that setting boundaries is your inherent right as an individual, and people do not abandon their own for having limits, discomforts, and preferences that differ from another person’s. Boundaries are those invisible lines that define who you are as an individual, and the only people that will cause chaos around you for doing such a healthy act for yourself are those who do not want you to have any in the first place, as they hinder them from controlling you or from exploiting a part of you that they feel they are entitled to exploit, such as your emotional safety, emotional availability, your time, resources. About boundaries here

Prioritize Your Well-being

Remember that you can only control your actions and work toward a safer and healthier place. Prioritize your well-being and surround yourself with individuals who respect your boundaries and support your growth. Detaching from harmful influences is necessary to protect yourself and move towards a healthier space, where healing and self-discovery can begin.