What happens when the scapegoat leaves the narcissistic family system
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In a narcissistic family system, the unwritten rule is often “what happens at home, stays at home.” This fosters a culture of secrecy and keeps the family’s dysfunction hidden from the outside world. It becomes a collective effort to shield these issues from outsiders, which only perpetuates the dysfunction. Within this environment, the scapegoat is often unfairly burdened with blame, criticism, and the negative projections of the family’s dysfunctions.
The decision to sever ties with one’s family of origin is a profound and deliberate choice. It’s not a decision made lightly. Breaking away from one’s familial roots typically arises from a compelling reason, particularly for those who have been scapegoated in dysfunctional families, often controlled by an emotionally volatile and antagonistic individual.
Learn more about narcissistic family systems here
In situations involving narcissistic family dynamics, the outcomes can vary, yet certain patterns often recur
Roles Are Reshuffled: When the scapegoat departs, the narcissistic parent may struggle to release their pent-up frustrations and anger. To cope, they may select a new target, often someone weaker, to subject to abuse and mistreatment. This new scapegoat could face the same isolation, criticism, and blame as their predecessor. The family may even find a new scapegoat to take the departed one’s place, whether it’s another family member or an outsider.
Love Bombing: Narcissistic families may resort to love bombing and guilt-tripping to persuade the scapegoat to return. Enablers, acting as “flying monkeys,” relay messages of love and concern to the scapegoat while downplaying their trauma. This manipulation perpetuates dysfunction within the family, maintaining a state of denial and minimizing the true dysfunction. The narcissist may temporarily appear caring and concerned, intending to lure the scapegoat back, but old patterns typically resurface upon the scapegoat’s return.
Smear Campaign: The narcissist’s need to appear flawless leads to a smear campaign against the scapegoat. The scapegoat is treated as a traitor, while the narcissist avoids taking any responsibility for their abusive behavior. This often leaves the scapegoat to heal without any validation.
Chaos: The scapegoat’s departure can trigger a sense of chaos and instability within the family system. With the scapegoat gone, the family must confront underlying issues. The narcissistic parent may struggle to find a new outlet for their emotions, while other family members may feel disoriented without the scapegoat to shoulder blame. Relationships can strain, and conflicts may arise, resulting in an unstable family system.
Doubling Down on Blaming the Scapegoat: Even after the scapegoat leaves, the narcissistic parent may continue to blame them for the family’s problems. This serves to deflect attention from the family’s actual issues, allowing the dysfunction to persist. Continuing to blame the scapegoat can perpetuate feelings of guilt, shame, and self-doubt for the scapegoat, even after they’ve left the family.
Collapse or Dissolve: The scapegoat often served as a buffer between the narcissistic parent and other family members, absorbing the brunt of the parent’s anger. Without the scapegoat, the other family members may feel exposed and vulnerable, potentially causing the family system to unravel. In other cases, the scapegoat may have been the only one to challenge the narcissist’s authority or speak out against dysfunction. Without the scapegoat, family members may become less likely to challenge the narcissist, leading to a more rigid and authoritarian family system. This can ultimately result in the collapse or dissolution of the narcissistic family system.
The Scapegoat’s challenges
Overcoming Emotional Struggles: Scapegoats may often grapple with persistent feelings of guilt, shame, and self-doubt, which could stem from years of criticism, belittlement, and humiliation by the narcissistic parent. The healing process may involve disentangling from these toxic beliefs, seeking therapy or support, and prioritizing their own well-being.
Navigating Relationship Challenges: Scapegoats may encounter difficulties in forming healthy relationships and trusting others due to a history of expecting criticism, blame, and rejection. Trust issues and a sense of loneliness may prevail. Overcoming this could involve working on self-worth, setting boundaries, and seeking support or therapy to improve communication, build confidence, and develop resilience.
Managing Trauma: Scapegoats may grapple with ongoing trauma symptoms stemming from their family experiences. This may manifest as hypervigilance, nightmares, flashbacks, and avoidance. Recovery is a complex, ongoing process that may require time, patience, and support.
Dealing with Grief: Scapegoats often grieve the loss of a nurturing, supportive family. The absence of unconditional love and emotional safety can be deeply painful. They may mourn the lost opportunities and a robbed childhood. This grief can be complex and prolonged, involving the recognition that validation and acknowledgment may never come from their family.
Relief and Freedom: Leaving the narcissistic family system entails challenges, but it also promises freedom. It offers an opportunity for self-discovery, the pursuit of authentic relationships, and a safe space to thrive. This journey may require healing, self-care, and support but can lead to a life lived on one’s own terms.
Self-Discovery: Upon leaving, scapegoats may prioritize their well-being and pursue their aspirations with renewed focus. They may embark on a journey of self-discovery, uncovering their passions, honing relationship skills, and developing a deeper understanding of their capabilities. Their resilience may help them overcome challenges and lead a more fulfilling life.
Shedding the Scapegoated Role: Departing from the family allows the scapegoat to disentangle from oppressive roles imposed on them. They may embrace their authentic selves, prioritize self-love, and build a life based on their values and aspirations. Free from the weight of blame and responsibility, they may honor their boundaries, rediscover their worthiness, and emerge as transformed individuals, resilient and empowered. Their journey may lead to self-love, self-care, and living life on their own terms.
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THE CONTENTS OF THIS WEBSITE ARE NOT MEANT TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP AND COUNSELING. THE READERS ARE DISCOURAGED FROM USING IT FOR DIAGNOSTIC OR THERAPEUTIC ENDS. THE DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER CAN ONLY BE DONE BY PROFESSIONALS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED AND QUALIFIED TO DO SO. THE AUTHOR IS NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.