What is love for a scapegoat: conditional vs unconditional love

Published on: February 3, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

The “Love” Experience for the Family Scapegoat

The word “love” is often wielded by narcissistic parents as a means to “make everything better” when it isn’t. It becomes a tool for suppressing the victim’s emotions and experiences, conditioning them to accept unhealthy and dysregulated behavior as part of the “deal” of having love in one’s life. Suddenly, the same person who has repeatedly inflicted harm on the victim, or the enabler who stood by and did nothing, such as the other parent, utters the word “love” to trigger the victim’s toxic empathy, shame, false responsibility, and guilt, like flipping a switch.

But they love you…yeah?

It’s as if the scapegoat is expected to suddenly think, “You love me? Oh, gosh, my bad! I apologize for hurting you by being hurt by you. I am so sorry for having boundaries. You’re right, we’re family, so I should sacrifice my emotional safety and mental health in the name of love. You continue to hurt me because you are a victim. You are right, I am unreasonable, and the ball is entirely in my court now. My bad! Let me try to put myself together once again real quick, so that I may return to the cycles of this relationship. Oof! You say you love me! That changes everything. I feel so much better! Let me pack my bag, come home and hope for the best!”

In reality, the word “love” is a twisted form of control, meant to manipulate the victim into accepting abuse and neglect.

Conditional Love Vs. Unconditional Love

Conditional love is a type of love that is contingent upon certain conditions or behaviors being met. In other words, the love and acceptance a person receives is dependent on them meeting certain expectations or standards. This type of love is often characterized by manipulation, control, and demands for compliance. It can be unpredictable and can be withdrawn or given based on the actions of the other person.

Unconditional love, on the other hand, is a type of love that is not dependent on any conditions or behaviors. It is a love that is given freely, without any expectations or demands. It is characterized by acceptance, understanding, and support. It is constant and stable, and is not affected by the imperfections of the other person. It is a form of love that values the person for who they are as a whole and accepts them without reservation.

While it is normal in any relationship to have a degree of expectations, such as mutual respect and collaboration, a narcissist takes expectations to a whole new level. Their expectations revolve around controlling, overpowering, and manipulating others.

This is how they twist and distort the narrative of love. It is my firm belief that for the scapegoat dealing with this, there is little that can be done to change the dynamics of the relationship unless they go no or low contact to protect themselves. It is a mindset, a mentality, and a complete lack of introspection that isn’t within the scapegoat’s power to change.

Unconditional Love Feels Like:

• Safe Haven: You feel completely accepted for who you are, flaws and all. It’s a safe space to be yourself without fear of judgment.

• Empowerment: You’re encouraged to grow, and learn from your mistakes. Your unique qualities and individuality are celebrated.

• Mutual Respect: Your feelings, thoughts, and decisions are valued, even if they differ from the other person. Boundaries are respected, fostering trust and security.

• Supportive Presence: They’re there for you through thick and thin, offering a listening ear and unwavering support. They celebrate your successes, big and small, with genuine joy.

• Healthy Communication: Communication is open and honest, even during disagreements. Issues are addressed constructively with empathy and a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives.

Conditional Love Feels Like:

• Walking on Eggshells: You constantly feel like you need to be on guard, worried about saying or doing the wrong thing and losing their affection.

• Manipulation: Love feels like a tool used to control your behavior or emotions. Guilt, shame, or obligation are used to keep you in line.

• Emotional Rollercoaster: The amount of love and affection you receive fluctuates based on their needs or whims, leaving you feeling insecure and confused.

• Comparison Trap: You’re constantly compared to others, making you feel inadequate and like you can never measure up.

• Heavy Burden: The relationship feels draining and one-sided. You feel responsible for their happiness, and their negativity weighs you down.

Journal Prompts

• Consider the conditions you place on yourself in order to feel deserving of love and acceptance. Are these conditions realistic or fair? How do they impact your self-esteem and relationships?
• Consider the balance between setting healthy boundaries and offering unconditional love. How can you honor your own needs and boundaries while still fostering love and connection with others?
• Reflect on any insights or revelations that arise from exploring the concepts of conditional and unconditional love. How can you apply these insights to cultivate more fulfilling and authentic relationships in your life?
• Write a letter to yourself exploring what it would mean to fully embrace unconditional love in your life. What changes might you need to make, and how would it impact your relationships and overall well-being?

Published on: February 3, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach