When a narcissistic parent expects their child to fulfill their emotionally unmet needs. What is covert/emotional incest?

Published on: November 6, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

When a parent expects their child to fulfill their unmet emotional needs. What is covert/emotional incest?

According to the American psychological association, covert incest is

- A form of emotional abuse in which a parent turns to his or her child as a surrogate partner, seeking from the child the emotional support that would more appropriately be provided by the person’s spouse or another adult. 

- A form of child sexual abuse consisting of nonphysical sexualized interactions between a parent figure and a child. Emotional incest may involve the caregiver commenting on the child’s sexual attractiveness, drawing attention to the caregiver’s own arousal to the child or the size or shape of the child’s secondary sexual characteristics (e.g., breasts, pubic hair), or implying that the child is sexually active (e.g., calling the child a slut). 

Covert/emotional incest is a form of child abuse.

Covert Incest and the Covert Narcissistic Parent/Caretaker

Learn about Narcissistic Family Systems

Narcissistic parents, in particular, tend to exhibit behaviors that revolve around their own needs, often treating their children as personal therapists and emotional support systems. Here’s a breakdown of some of the behaviors exhibited by narcissistic parents:

Self-Centeredness: Narcissistic parents make everything about themselves, often overshadowing their child’s needs and feelings.

Weaponizing Their Care: These parents may weaponize their care, using it as a means to control the child and create a sense of indebtedness. ‘I do this for you, therefore you must do this for me, or else you are bad’.

Over-Reliance on the Child: They may confide in the child about their adult problems and expect the child to provide emotional support.

Excessive Demands: These parents may demand the child’s companionship, attention, presence, and even sacrifice, expecting the child’s life decisions to revolve around supporting them emotionally.

Inappropriate Comments: Narcissistic parents might make inappropriate comments about the child’s appearance, leading to feelings of discomfort and inadequacy.

Control and Manipulation: They may demand that the child becomes an extension of themselves, rather than nurturing their child’s independence and individuality.

Expectation of Soothing: The child is often expected to soothe the parent’s emotional needs in return for the love and support they should naturally receive.

When the child is unable to meet these overwhelming and often impossible demands, it commonly leads to feelings of guilt and shame. In response, the parent may turn on the child, subjecting them to psychological, emotional, and sometimes even physical abuse. What’s particularly distressing is that the parent may unjustly blame the child for their own unhappiness.

This harmful dynamic can result in a lifetime of emotional pain, guilt, and shame for the child, who, in reality, bears no responsibility for the situation. It’s worth noting that, despite all of this, the parent may present a smiling facade to the world, concealing the turmoil that occurs behind closed doors. Recognizing and addressing these behaviors is crucial to breaking free from this damaging cycle.

Learn more about the covert vulnerable narcissist and beware of their care

A Person’s Backstory is not a Green Light for Bad Behavior: Understanding DARVO

In life, each of us carries a unique and often complex backstory filled with experiences, influences, and circumstances that have shaped who we are today. While understanding someone’s past can be a powerful tool for empathy and compassion, it should never serve as a shield for the perpetration of abuse.

It’s essential to recognize that no matter how intricate or painful someone’s history may be, it can never justify or excuse abusive behavior. Abuse, whether it’s emotional, physical, or psychological, is an action that inflicts harm on others and can never be rationalized by pointing to one’s own life experiences.

Manipulators and abusers may employ a manipulative tactic known as DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. In this strategy, an abuser initially denies any wrongdoing, then shifts to attacking the victim, and finally attempts to reverse the roles of victim and offender.

Deny: The first step of DARVO involves the abuser denying any wrongdoing or harm. They refuse to acknowledge their actions, making it seem like the victim’s claims are baseless. Attack :After denial, the abuser may shift the focus to attacking the victim. They might accuse the victim of exaggerating, lying, or even being the one responsible for the situation. This attack is meant to deflect attention away from the abuser’s actions. Reverse Victim and Offender: In this final step, the abuser attempts to reverse the roles of victim and offender. They make themselves out to be the victim, claiming that they are the ones who have been wronged or hurt. By doing this, they further deflect blame and seek to gain sympathy or support.

DARVO is a manipulation tactic that can be emotionally and psychologically damaging to the victim. It is used by abusers to maintain control, avoid accountability, and cast doubt on the validity of the victim’s claims. Recognizing DARVO is crucial for those dealing with manipulative individuals and can help in understanding and countering these tactics.

Emotional covert incest is a complex and distressing situation, and seeking help and support is essential. Here are some steps to consider if you find yourself in this situation:

1. Acknowledge the Issue: The first step is recognizing that you are in a situation of emotional covert incest. Understanding and acknowledging the problem is crucial for addressing it.
2. Seek Professional Help: Consider seeking the assistance of a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, who specializes in issues related to family dynamics, emotional trauma, or abuse. They can provide guidance and support as you work through the emotional repercussions.
3. Set Boundaries: It’s important to establish clear and healthy boundaries. This might involve limiting contact or setting specific limits on the topics and behaviors that are acceptable in your interactions.
4. Build a Support System: Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups who can provide emotional support and understanding. Discussing your feelings with those who care about your well-being can be therapeutic.
5. Educate Yourself: Understanding the dynamics of emotional covert incest can be empowering. Learning about it can help you recognize the unhealthy aspects of the relationship and work towards healing.
6. Protect Your Emotional Health: Remember that it’s essential to prioritize your emotional health and well-being. Don’t hesitate to distance yourself from the individual causing harm if it is necessary for your recovery.
7. Healing Process: Healing from emotional covert incest can take time, and it’s a journey that may involve processing emotions and past experiences. Patience and self-compassion are key during this process.
8. Legal Recourse: Consult with a legal professional if you believe there is a need for legal action.

Seeking professional help is often the most effective way to work through these issues and establish healthier boundaries and relationships. Your emotional well-being should always be a priority.

Published on: November 6, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach