When a Scapegoat's No-Contact Response Due to Trauma Is Misunderstood as Mean-Spirited

Published on: April 9, 2024

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

There exists a critical disparity between severing ties from a harmful relationship due to trauma and employing the silent treatment as a means of inflicting pain.

Within a narcissistic family system, dysfunction becomes normalized.

In a narcissistic family dynamic, a hypercritical and emotionally volatile family member, often a parent or caregiver, dominates the family environment with manipulative tactics and an insatiable need for control. Driven by their own frustrations, they direct their negative behaviors towards a scapegoated family member, typically someone with less influence within the family structure. Over time, this behavior becomes normalized, desensitizing the rest of the family and perpetuating a cycles of abuse.

Click here to find out more about narcissistic family systems.

Eventually, the negative environment takes its toll, and the scapegoat reaches a point of emotional exhaustion. As a result, many scapegoated survivors may choose to go no contact as a healthy response to the toxicity. However, the family, conditioned by the narcissist’s behavior to normalize it, interprets the scapegoat’s decision as spiteful or resentful. They fail to distinguish between necessary boundaries and the dysfunctional patterns they’ve grown accustomed to, projecting their dysfunction onto the scapegoat regardless of their actions.

In essence, the scapegoat becomes a receptacle for the family’s dysfunction, trapped in a cycle where their efforts to protect themselves are misconstrued and invalidated.

When the scapegoat goes no contact, their trauma response is often treated as ‘mean-spirited’ not only by their dysfunctional family but also by the wider world.

The Irony Behind The Scapegoat’s “Mean Spiritedness”

Mean-spiritedness characterizes those who derive pleasure from inflicting pain or suffering on others, often in a petty and vindictive manner. This intentional behavior is driven by jealousy, a desire for power or control over others, lack of empathy, and possibly deeply ingrained unresolved internal frustrations. Ironically, this description closely mirrors the very person the scapegoat seeks to escape and shield themselves from—the family member who has used their own child or vulnerable family member as their emotional relief system without inhibition or consequences.

Because dysfunctional families often operate in denial and avoidance, the scapegoat’s experiences, feelings, and voice are shut down, overlooked, and even competed against, leaving them no room to exist or escape the role that they have been given. The denial and mockery of the scapegoat’s trauma only serve to perpetuate their suffering.

This response often stems from the misguided belief that trauma is only associated with catastrophic events such as natural disasters, war, sexual assault, or accidents. However, such a narrow definition of trauma fails to recognize the diverse range of experiences that can be profoundly distressing and impactful.

Tragically, many scapegoated children who carry their trauma into adulthood are met with derision, ridicule, and eventual ostracism when they exhibit symptoms of their trauma. This invalidation further compounds their pain, leaving them isolated and unsupported within their own family dynamic.

This rejection is too often perpetuated by their own families, who deny, downplay, or minimize the seriousness of the scapegoat’s experiences with an abusive family member. Education about the various forms and impacts of trauma becomes of utmost importance in fostering understanding, empathy, and support for scapegoated survivors of narcissistic family systems.

About Trauma

Trauma can be categorized into two broad categories: big T trauma and little t trauma.

Big T" traumas encompass significant events that profoundly threaten a person’s safety or well-being, leaving them feeling helpless and horrified. These events can manifest as single occurrences or repetitive experiences and may include natural disasters, sexual assault, victimization in crimes, exposure to war, severe accidents, instances of severe neglect, or life-threatening illnesses. Additionally, witnessing such events can also be traumatizing.

Experiencing “Big T” traumas can result in the development of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in those affected. PTSD can manifest through a range of symptoms, including flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, and avoidance behaviors, among others.

Little “t” trauma refers to events that create significant distress but don’t involve violence or disaster. It’s often underestimated, with its effects minimized or even mocked. However, research shows that repeated incidents of little “t” trauma accumulating over time can have psychological effects as significant as a single big “T” trauma, potentially contributing to the development of CPTSD and other mental health conditions.

In the context of being a family scapegoat, the normalized behaviors within narcissistic family systems perpetuate this little “t” trauma. These behaviors can include gaslighting, triangulation, silent treatment, and verbal abuse. Additionally, some families may exhibit instances of big T trauma such as physical abuse and neglect. This combination of traumas can also contribute to the development of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD).

How Narcissistic Family systems Can Cause Trauma To A Child

Social and Emotional Neglect:

• Being consistently treated as an outsider.
• Having achievements or milestones downplayed or ignored.
• Receiving conditional love or affection based on behavior or performance.
• Being the target of hurtful jokes or teasing from a parent or siblings (encouraged by the narcissist).
• Having emotional needs dismissed or ridiculed.
• Being forced to play nurse, psychologist, and soother of the narcissist, while the child’s basic needs for emotional connection and safety are not met in return.

Favoritism and Triangulation:

• Witnessing a parent openly favor another sibling, creating a sense of competition and insecurity.
• Being pitted against siblings or other family members by the narcissist to create conflict and drama.
• Being blamed for problems caused by other family members.
• Being made responsible, blamed, and punished for the emotional dysregulation of another adult as a child.

Loss of Autonomy and Voice:

• Having your opinions or desires consistently disregarded.
• Being micromanaged and having little control over your life.
• Having your boundaries ignored or violated.
• Feeling pressured to conform to unrealistic expectations.

Gaslighting and Manipulation:

• Being made to question your own memories or perceptions of events.
• Experiencing the narcissist twisting the truth or denying their abusive behavior.
• Being blamed for the narcissist’s negative emotions.

Isolating Behaviors:

• Being discouraged from forming close friendships outside the family.
• Having your social interactions monitored or controlled.
• Feeling a sense of shame or secrecy about your family life.

Trauma: A Behavioral Adaptation

Childhood trauma from a dysfunctional family leaves lasting scars, not just emotional but behavioral ones as well. These behaviors, often seeming illogical or even harmful to outsiders, stem from the brain’s desperate attempt to adapt and survive overwhelming stress.

A child raised by a dysregulated caretaker is forced into survival mode, becoming hyper-aware of potential threats in their environment. They adapt their behavior to navigate the dysfunction, but adaptation is not healing. A child lacks the power to heal alone and must prioritize survival within the situation. These adaptations can manifest in various ways, such as constant vigilance, self-destructive coping mechanisms, or excessive people-pleasing, which can hinder their ability to form healthy, trusting relationships. Chronic stress from trauma can also impact the developing brain, affecting areas responsible for emotion regulation and coping skills.

Behavioral Responses to Trauma:

• Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning surroundings for danger, even in safe situations.
• Avoidance: Avoiding places, people, or situations that remind you of the trauma.
• Social withdrawal: Isolating oneself from others to avoid potential triggers or risks.
• Difficulty setting Boundaries: Difficulty setting or maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, leading to feelings of being taken advantage of or overwhelmed.
• People-pleasing: An excessive need for approval from others, often leading to neglecting one’s own needs and desires to please others.
• Difficulty with Trust: Difficulty forming trusting relationships due to past experiences of betrayal or manipulation.

Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms:

• Substance abuse: Seeking temporary relief from emotional pain through drugs or alcohol.
• Self-harm: Hurting oneself to feel something other than emotional numbness.
• Risky behaviors: Engaging in dangerous activities to numb emotions or feel a sense of control.
• Dissociation: Detaching from oneself or one’s surroundings as a way to escape overwhelming emotions or memories.
• Eating disorders: Using food or restrictive eating patterns to cope with emotional distress.

Physical Health Impact:

• Chronic stress from trauma can manifest in a variety of physical health problems. Headaches, stomachaches, fatigue, and a weakened immune system are common. Additionally, disrupted sleep patterns, digestive issues, and muscle tension can also be present. Long-term exposure to trauma can even increase the risk of chronic health problems like heart disease, diabetes, and autoimmune disorders.

Age-Specific:

• The way these adaptations manifest can vary depending on the child’s age. Younger children might exhibit tantrums, clinginess, or bedwetting, while older children might become withdrawn, act out rebelliously, or engage in risky behaviors.

Breaking the Silence: What You Can Do as The Family Scapegoat

The world can be confusing after experiencing trauma, especially from a narcissistic family. False labels, accusations, and misinterpretations can cloud your internal compass. It’s important to remember that self-protective actions like no contact are not the same as the manipulative silent treatment.

Trauma is a powerful experience, and your body’s reactions are a normal response to overwhelming stress. These reactions are not a sign of weakness or flaws. Instead, they are coping mechanisms your body developed to protect you when you couldn’t heal your wounds.

As you move towards healing, creating a safe space for yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically becomes essential. This means surrounding yourself with supportive people who validate your experiences and don’t enable the narcissist in your life. This might involve setting boundaries with some family members or even going no contact for your own well-being.

Remember, healing doesn’t mean isolation. Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor specializing in trauma recovery. There are also online communities and support groups specifically for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Additionally, if you’re interested in exploring one-on-one coaching focused on healing and aligning the life that you want to live with your goals and aspirations after narcissistic abuse, you can also reach out here, and I will be glad to assist you on the road that you are forging for yourself.

Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a loved one. Prioritize activities that nourish your physical, emotional, and social well-being. Allow yourself to feel all your emotions - sadness, anger, and grief are part of the healing process. Finally, disengaging from those who invalidate you empowers you to focus on your healing journey.

Published on: April 9, 2024

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach