When Therapists Minimize Narcissistic Abuse and Send the Scapegoat Back to the Wolf's Den

Published on: February 18, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

In an ideal world, it’s understood that every human being has the inherent right and autonomy to choose relationships based on values, emotional safety, and reciprocity. Similarly, each person has the full prerogative to establish boundaries and clear limits to safeguard their emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. Relationships aren’t owed; they’re a mutual exchange of energy earned through respect, understanding, empathy, and support.

Mental health professionals explicitly and unambiguously define this concept to trauma survivors, who seek help after coming out of toxic and abusive relationships, helping them move forward without a seed of doubt. That is a part of their job.

However, it is both puzzling and shocking that, when the word “parent” is introduced into the conversation, some (though not all, but regrettably too many) abruptly alter these principles. The sudden shift discards the notion of prioritizing one’s emotional, physical, and psychological safety. Instead, the narrative transforms into: “You only have one parent, and if you don’t try harder, you will regret it,” or “If you can’t deal with your own parent, how will you deal with the rest of the world?”

This distressing scenario profoundly impacts numerous survivors of sexual, physical, psychological, and emotional abuse, who already grapple with overwhelming guilt, shame, false responsibilities, unrealistic obligations, and fear. These burdens create a suffocating fog that traps them in endless cycles of remaining the designated family scapegoat.

In dysfunctional families led by a parent with a personality disorder, there is often a consensus among family members, particularly those who are favored or not targeted, to deny the profound impact that such a parent can have on vulnerable family members, especially their own children. Instead, children are taught to navigate through emotional turmoil and instability, all under the guise of “keeping the peace.” This dynamic reflects a pattern where the needs and well-being of the children are sacrificed to maintain a semblance of harmony within the family unit, despite the underlying dysfunction and its detrimental effects.

Within this environment, the scapegoat is consistently gaslighted into believing that their mistreatment is normal. They are told that the abuse is not only commonplace but also justified by what they are consistently made to believe is their “bad character” and “flawed personality”. The narrative of “You are abused because you…” is relentlessly reiterated, further burdening the scapegoat with self-blame and reinforcing their sense of worthlessness.

The mere mention of concepts like “one parent,” “forgiveness,” and “love” by a misguided professional who does not understand scapegoating or the complex familial dynamics that govern a narcissistic family system can inadvertently intensify the very struggles that the scapegoat is seeking help for in the first place, and lead them to a breaking point of no return.

Learn about narcissistic family systems here

The Pitfalls of Traditional Therapy for Survivors of Narcissistic Family Systems

Traditional therapy typically focuses on identifying and modifying negative thought patterns that contribute to emotional distress, suggesting changes within oneself to improve relationships and overall well-being.

While this is all nice and good, this approach falls short for scapegoat survivors who have experienced parental narcissistic abuse.

Scapegoated survivors face unique challenges rooted in external factors, where each family member assumes specific roles in the eyes of a dysregulated caregiver who governs their lives through personal projections—roles such as the golden child, the invisible child, or the scapegoat. These dynamics encompass chronic blaming, dominance, control, gaslighting, competitive behaviors, projections, enmeshment, antagonism, and manipulation.

In such families, dysfunction is normalized, and abuses are rationalized through endless discussions, false accusations, and the abuser’s famous “I had no choice” lines. Scapegoats, because of their sensitive natures, truth-telling, resilience, and willingness to confront dysfunction, often become the family’s emotional dumping ground. They absorb collective issues as the family avoids confronting underlying problems, including the mental health issues, unpredictable mood swings and persistent antagonism of dominant family figures.

Putting the focus on what the scapegoat can change about themselves in order to improve their relationship with family members is futile when the entire family system operates in denial of its own dysfunctional dynamics. The scapegoat simply lacks the power or control to alter these complex dynamics. Moreover, they have endured a lifetime of being blamed for their abuse, told it stems from their supposed shortcomings. They are consistently pressured to change themselves to avoid further mistreatment and cease being targeted. However, the cruel irony persists: No matter how much the scapegoat attempts to change, the prospect of achieving a peaceful family life remains an elusive goalpost that constantly shifts.

This is because of a fundamental truth: The issue lies not with the scapegoat, but with the damaging familial dynamics that perpetuate dysfunction and abuse.

The Risks of a Scapegoated Survivor Seeking Help from a Misinformed Mental Health Professional

Seeking professional assistance to heal emotional wounds and receive validation and advice is undoubtedly an essential step to healing.

The right psychologist, psychotherapist, therapist, counselor, or coach is an invaluable support for individuals who have experienced the trauma of being the scapegoat of a narcissistic family system.

Unfortunately, a misinformed professional may inadvertently and dangerously lead them back into dangerous territory, becoming unwitting enablers within the narcissist’s sphere of influence.

Harmful and unhelpful advice may include phrases like “You’ll regret severing ties with your parent when they pass away” or “You should have compassion; after all, they are your parents,” or better yet, “Forgive them, they gave you life.”

What do forgiveness, empathy and compassion have to do with one’s own basic right for emotional, psychological and physical safety?

This type of “advice” often persists even when the abusive parent demonstrates no remorse, accountability, or inclination to change their harmful behaviors and most likely never will, as this is the every nature of narcissism.

It is a known fact that individuals with antagonistic or narcissistic personality styles always perceive the world as the problem, staunchly justifying their behaviors, no matter how abusive or dysregulated, without any inclination to self-improve, change, or hold themselves accountable. Despite evident signs of significant underlying issues, they adamantly assert that they need not alter anything about themselves and instead project their demons onto their chosen targets regularly, perpetuating an unending cycle. Their need for supply remains consistent, with scapegoating becoming their primary emotional relief system.

It is noteworthy to mention DARVO, coined by Jennifer J. Freyd, a psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, and its full applicability to narcissistic abuse.

1. Deny: The first step in DARVO involves the perpetrator denying their actions or the reality of the abuse. This denial can take various forms, including minimizing the abuse, gaslighting the victim by questioning their perceptions or memories, or outright denying that any abuse occurred. By denying their actions, perpetrators aim to confuse and disorient their victims, making them doubt their own experiences and feelings.
2. Attack: After denying the abuse, perpetrators often launch an attack on the victim. This attack can be direct, where the perpetrator criticizes, belittles, or humiliates the victim, or it can be more subtle, such as spreading rumors or engaging in character assassination. The goal of this attack is to shift the focus away from the perpetrator’s actions and onto the victim, making the victim feel responsible or guilty for the abuse they have endured.
3. Reverse Victim and Offender: In this final step, perpetrators invert the roles of victim and offender, portraying themselves as the victims and the actual victim as the offender. This reversal further manipulates the victim and bystanders, casting doubt on the victim’s credibility and reinforcing the perpetrator’s control over the narrative.

As a survivor of a narcissistic family system, I personally endured the distressing reality of being advised that going no contact with my abuser, who happened to be my mother, would lead to regret and would only hurt me in the long run. During a period of extreme vulnerability in my life, this counsel pushed me back into yet another cycle of narcissistic abuse.

My mother always had a “reason” to abuse, resulting in my entire upbringing being marred by endless “discussions” that always followed her abuses, which she felt entitled to inflict based on her self-assumed victimhood identity, triggers and delusions that governed her harmful actions.

Learn more about covert narcissism here

Even though it was no secret in my household that her behavior was out of touch with reality, erratic, and dysregulated, displaying signs of severe psychological problems, no responsible adult in my life ever addressed, acknowledged, or protected me from it during my entire upbringing. I was expected to keep quiet when she abused me “for the sake of keeping the peace,” and this dynamic continued unchecked into adulthood.

One day, she slapped me in the face while I was holding my newborn child, simply because my “resting face” insulted her. This shocking incident did not prompt my family to acknowledge her dysfunction; instead, it was treated as “business as usual.”

When I made the decision to go no contact, I had to do so alone, without support, knowing that I would be labeled as the family deserter.

This pattern is tragically common in scapegoated dynamics within such families.

Learn more about narcissistic family systems here

To Forgive or not to Forgive?

About Forgiveness

What do forgiveness, empathy and compassion have to do with one’s own fundamental need for emotional safety in a relationship?

These concepts are distinct and should not be conflated.

Too often, the expectation for the scapegoat to forgive and forget persists, even in the absence of remorse, accountability, or any indication of change from a family member who truly believes that their feelings and life stories give them a green pass to abuse. This is inherent in narcissism, where the abuser justifies their actions without end.

The expectation to not only forgive a narcissistic parent but also to continue enduring a traumatic relationship that shows no signs of change often becomes another heavy burden on the scapegoat. They are already weighed down by years of abuse and conditioned with a false sense of responsibility for burdens that were never theirs to bear in the first place. Always, without fail, the scapegoat is repeatedly told that they are the ones who must change, adapt, and endure. Where do we draw the line? It seems there is no line at all.

What a scapegoat truly needs is the opportunity to take much-needed space to hear their own voice for the first time. They deserve the chance to prioritize their emotional and physical wellness, tend to their own needs, and embark on a journey of self-discovery—rights that have been denied to them for far too long. What they need is validation and healing, not the pressure of forced forgiveness or shaming if forgiveness is something they cannot offer.

The constant focus on the narcissist’s “hurt” has already shaped the upbringing and life of a scapegoated child. They do not need another so-called “mental health professional” to further reinforce these damaging dynamics. True healing necessitates breaking free from this cycle and prioritizing one’s own well-being, needs, and boundaries—rights that we have never been granted but were instead treated as privileges that the scapegoat was “unworthy” to receive due to the “bigger picture.”

There is always a bigger picture for a scapegoat, whether they are interacting with their family, a misinformed therapist, or the enablers in the abuser’s arsenal who have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and fall for the manipulator’s masterful shapeshifting tactics.

To make things clear, genuine forgiveness isn’t about erasing memories; those remain indelible. Instead, it involves releasing the hatred and resentment within oneself for one’s own well-being and healing. However, when therapists or other people insist that the scapegoat forgives their abusers due to their troubled lives or their personality disorder, they also seem to insist that forgiveness must come with the expectation of mending a relationship that does not change and remains abusive.

It’s essential to clarify that forgiveness doesn’t obligate anyone to maintain a relationship with those who persist in displaying abusive behaviors. If the cycle of abuse continues, each person has their own agency to forgive, or not, and part ways.

Let’s not confuse forgiveness with enabling or tolerating harmful behavior. True forgiveness empowers us to free ourselves, but does not take away our agency to set boundaries, and select who we welcome into our lives.

Learn more about toxic empathy here.

Having Empathy and Compassion is not Erasing Your Boundaries

Going no contact with someone does not mean that you lack empathy or compassion. These traits are not mutually exclusive. One can still have empathy for others while setting and enforcing healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are essential for protecting yourself from harm. They help define the line between what you are willing and able to do for others and what you cannot do. Without boundaries, we become overwhelmed, depleted, and taken advantage of, leading to physical and emotional burnout. In healthy relationships, boundaries contribute to relationship growth, not abandonment. Learn about healthy boundary setting here.

The only people who will fight or ignore your boundaries are those who benefit from you not having any. You are not responsible for meeting the needs of others at the expense of your own well-being. In fact, by taking care of yourself and honoring your boundaries, you will be in a better position to show empathy and compassion towards others.

Setting boundaries involves knowing your limits and communicating them to others. This may include saying “no” to requests that go beyond what you can comfortably provide, or removing yourself from situations that are harmful or triggering. It may also involve ending or limiting contact with individuals who consistently violate your boundaries or make you feel uncomfortable.

Compassion and blood ties do not erase these rules. Do we not deserve to give ourselves the same love that we bestow upon others? Do we not deserve to give ourselves some much-needed compassion? To teach a scapegoated survivor that they can, in fact, love and trust themselves, that their feelings matter, that they can learn to validate themselves, and that they are worthy of respect and care, and that they do not need permission or approval to follow their dreams and aspirations is crucial. It’s essential to nurture within them the belief that they deserve to be treated with kindness and dignity, starting with self-compassion and self-respect.

For once, let’s have a conversation around the needs of scapegoated trauma survivors without bringing their tormentor’s “feelings” into the picture, shall we?

Reaching Out

As a scapegoated survivor of a narcissistic family system, finding the right therapist is important for your healing process.

Here are some key considerations for finding the right professional to support you:

1. Specialized Knowledge: Look for professionals (therapists, councilors or coaches alike) who have experience and specialized knowledge in the field of narcissistic abuse, family dynamics, and trauma recovery. They should be familiar with the specific challenges faced by scapegoated individuals and the dynamics of narcissistic family systems.
2. Empathy and Validation: A compassionate and empathetic therapist or coach will validate your experiences and feelings. They should prioritize understanding your perspective and the impact of narcissistic abuse on your life. Your emotions and struggles are real, and a supportive professional will acknowledge them.
3. Trauma-Informed Approach: Seek out professionals who use a trauma-informed approach in their practice. Narcissistic abuse often leads to complex trauma, and therapists or coaches with trauma expertise can provide more effective support for your healing journey.
4. Personal Connection: It’s essential to feel a personal connection and sense of trust with your chosen therapist or coach. Healing from narcissistic abuse can be a vulnerable process, and a strong therapeutic alliance is essential for your progress.
5. Respect for Boundaries: A good therapist or coach will respect your boundaries and not pressure you into actions that you are not comfortable with. They should support your choices, whether it’s maintaining low contact, going no contact, or setting other boundaries.
6. Supportive Community: Consider joining support groups or communities of scapegoated survivors. Connecting with others who have similar experiences can provide additional validation, understanding, and guidance in your healing journey.
7. Self-Care and Self-Compassion: Remember that your healing is a personal journey, and it’s essential to practice self-care and self-compassion. A good therapist or coach will encourage and guide you in developing these vital skills.
8. Trust Your Intuition: Trust your instincts when choosing a therapist or coach. If you don’t feel heard, respected, or understood, it may be a sign to explore other options.

If you find yourself in a situation where you believe you are not being heard, or that you’re the one educating your therapist about narcissistic family dynamics, or if they seem to prioritize societal norms over your unique experiences, it may indicate that this professional is not the right fit for your specific needs. In such cases, seeking out a therapist or other professional who genuinely understands the complexities of scapegoating within narcissistic family systems would likely be a more beneficial course of action. Your healing journey should be supported by someone who comprehends and validates your unique experiences and the challenges you face.

Published on: February 18, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach