Why do I feel sad after leaving a narcissistic family system

Published on: March 3, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

It’s Ok to Be Sad

Grieving Is Part of the Natural Healing Process

Leaving a narcissistic family system can be a journey that feels like you’re walking on a tightrope, balancing between the past and the future, and the grief you may feel is unique.

You may be feeling like you’re carrying a heavy weight on your shoulders, a weight of confusion, despair, emptiness, guilt, anger, disbelief, and injustice.

Your grieving process may involve two distinct levels of grief.

The first level of grief may involve mourning the loss of the family you thought you had, the family you wished you had, or the family you were promised you could have if you just tried harder. It’s important to recognize that this can be a difficult and painful process, and that it’s okay to feel a sense of betrayal and loss as you come to terms with the reality of your situation.

The second level of grief may involve mourning the loss of the fantasy or illusion you held about your family system. This can be an even more challenging process, as you may have invested a lot of time, energy, and emotion into the fantasy of having a loving family or a family that would someday change. It’s important to recognize that this illusion was not your fault, and that it was the result of the manipulation and abuse you experienced in the narcissistic family system.

By allowing ourselves to grieve, we are closing this door behind us, and opening a new door that leads towards the light at the end of the tunnel. As we grieve, we are allowing the pain and trauma to pass, subside, and diminish until it no longer has a hold on us. Instead, it becomes a part of our story, the story of a survivor. A story of resilience, strength, and growth.

Carl Jung’s quote says it best: “The darker the shadow, the brighter the light.”

Grief can be a transformative experience, as it helps you to understand your own feelings and needs more deeply. It teaches you to appreciate the things that matter, that bring you moments of joy. On the other side of grief, you’ll find that the world looks different. The colors will be more vibrant, the sunshine will be warmer, and the birds will sing louder. You’ll learn to appreciate the small things in life, like a hug, a warm cup of tea, or the feeling of the sun on your face. You’ll learn that beyond the grief, there is a stronger and more resilient version of yourself, one who has shed the horns of the scapegoat and is ready to embrace a new chapter in life.

You’ll find yourself, for the first time, as a whole person, and this is something worth holding on to.

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Processing Grief

As you grieve, it’s common to feel a range of emotions such as sadness and anger. It’s important to allow yourself to fully experience these emotions without any judgment or repression. The way you choose to express these emotions is entirely up to you, there is no right or wrong way. Whether it’s through tears, words, art, or any other form that feels authentic to you, let yourself release these emotions. Everyone grieves differently and there is no set time for how long it takes to heal. However, if you feel like processing the grief has become too difficult, reach out for help. Be kind and patient with yourself, and know that everything passes with time. How you feel isn’t forever. This is your body and mind healing.

The Things That the Scapegoat Grieves

• The loss of the relationship with family members, including parents, siblings, and extended family.
• The loss of a sense of belonging and identity within the family.
• The loss of emotional support and validation from family members.
• The loss of financial or material support from family members.
• The loss of childhood memories and experiences.
• The loss of a sense of security and stability within the family dynamic.
• The loss of the belief that the family had good intentions and truly loved the scapegoat.
• The loss of the sense of normalcy.
• The loss of hope for ever being seen, heard or validated.
• The feeling of isolation and loneliness from disconnecting from the family.
• The feeling of injustice for having one’s trauma and experiences be denied.

The Stages of Grief

Grief is seen as a process of adapting to a significant loss. One of the most widely recognized models of grief is the Kubler-Ross model, which outlines five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Here are some common stages that a scapegoat may go through:

• Denial: In this stage, the scapegoat may still be in denial about the reality of the situation, and may be struggling to come to terms with the fact that they were the target of abuse and manipulation.
• Anger: As the scapegoat begins to accept the reality of their situation, they may feel a lot of anger towards their abuser and other family members who enabled the abuse. This can be a difficult stage, as the scapegoat may feel intense emotions and struggle with feelings of guilt or shame.
• Bargaining: During this stage, the scapegoat may try to negotiate with their abuser or other family members in an attempt to restore the relationship. This can be a challenging stage, as the scapegoat may feel a strong pull towards their family, even though they know that the relationship is toxic.
• Depression: As the scapegoat begins to realize that the relationship cannot be salvaged, they may feel a sense of deep sadness and despair. This can be a difficult stage, as the scapegoat may feel overwhelmed by their emotions and struggle to see a way forward.
• Acceptance: In the final stage, the scapegoat begins to accept that they cannot change their family or their situation, and that the only way forward is to cut ties and move on. This can be a liberating and empowering stage, as the scapegoat begins to take control of their own life and build healthy relationships outside of their family system.

A Word of Comfort

Grief is a chasm that carves out a hollow space in the soul, leaving an ache that feels like such an empty space shouldn’t exist within us, and yet it does. As survivors, we mourn the loss of those we hold dear, grappling with the realization that the love we thought filled that space was a mirage all along. The absence of what we long for is palpable, and the love we believed was genuine turns out to be nothing but a cruel illusion.

Yet, amidst the darkness, there is a glimmer of hope. A light that shines at the end of the tunnel, beckoning us forward. It may be difficult to discern at first, but it’s there, waiting for us to find it. Our minds may be consumed by the trauma and the grief, unable to see the path ahead. But with time, healing and clarity will come, revealing a way forward from the depths of our sorrow.

Healing is not a linear process and you will have your good days and bad days.

On good days, you may feel more in control of your emotions, more hopeful about the future and more able to cope with the aftermath of the narcissistic family system. You may feel like you are making progress and that healing is possible.

On bad days, you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your emotions, feel like you’re not making any progress, or that you’re stuck in the same place. You may feel like the pain and trauma are too much to bear. These bad days are a normal part of the healing process.

Self-care, self-compassion, and self-love are essential for nourishing your soul during the journey of healing from grief. In time, you will learn to fill that empty space within you with true love. Until then, do things that make you feel good and that bring you a sense of peace. Be kind and understanding towards yourself, recognize that you are going through a difficult time and acknowledge that it’s okay to not be okay. Be gentle with yourself and be patient, healing takes time.

Seek out the right support to help you through this process if you need it. This can include therapy, support groups, or other forms of professional help.

You deserve to live your life in peace, and the process of grief is the bridge to get there.

As you walk across this bridge, know that on the other side, awaits a healthier, and peaceful future.

Published on: March 3, 2022

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach