Why does a narcissist need a scapegoat?

Published on: February 2, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach

A narcissist’s primary focus is projecting an impeccable image to the outside world, and this facade takes on various forms — whether it’s a feigned display of empathy, a facade of unwavering law-abiding behavior, or an ostentatious portrayal of admiration and public acclaim.

Beneath this veneer of flawlessness lies a complex individual with vulnerabilities and insecurities, much like any other person. However, instead of facing their own “human” flaws, narcissists employ a coping mechanism of denial, rendering them incapable of effectively processing challenging emotions. Yet, denying the existence of a problem doesn’t make it disappear; emotions find a way to surface. Enter the narcissist’s chosen method: offloading the burden of challenging emotions, flaws, and imperfections onto others.

The Scapegoat’s Role

At the heart of upholding this deceptive façade lies the pivotal figure of the “scapegoat” — a carefully chosen individual onto whom the narcissist deflects their problems and faults. This calculated maneuver serves as a shield, allowing them to evade responsibility for their actions and maintain the meticulously crafted image they present to the world. Essentially, the scapegoat acts as a protective barrier, enabling the narcissist to persist without ever confronting the reality of their limitations and flaws.

By projecting their insecurities onto selected targets, narcissists not only elevate their own sense of superiority but also evade personal accountability. The relentless pursuit of dominance is driven by the imperative to diminish their scapegoats, reinforcing the narcissist’s illusion of power and superiority within their distorted world-view, where equality has no place.

The narcissist’s reliance on a scapegoat stems from an incapacity to cope with disappointment and frustration. Their ceaseless quest for validation and control impedes acknowledgment of their own faults, compelling them to deflect blame onto a chosen target. The scapegoat functions as an outlet, releasing the narcissist’s pent-up frustrations and emotions. Without a scapegoat, the narcissist’s inadequacies risk exposure.

A Craving for Supply: The Perpetual Cycle

Narcissistic supply refers to the attention, admiration, validation, or other forms of emotional sustenance that narcissists seek from others to fulfill their deep-seated need for self-worth and validation. It’s a concept central to understanding narcissistic personality disorder and the behavior of individuals with narcissistic traits.

Narcissists crave constant affirmation and attention to maintain their fragile self-esteem and grandiose self-image. This supply can come in various forms, including compliments, praise, admiration, and even fear or awe. The key is that it reinforces the narcissist’s perception of their own importance and superiority.

Sources of narcissistic supply may include family members, friends, colleagues, or anyone in the narcissist’s social circle. The quest for supply often drives their behaviors, as they may engage in attention-seeking actions, manipulation, or even exploitation to ensure a steady flow of validation.

Narcissists extract narcissistic supply from a scapegoat through various manipulative tactics:

1. Blame and Projection: The narcissist shifts blame for their own faults and mistakes onto the scapegoat, deflecting attention away from themselves. This helps maintain the narcissist’s self-image as faultless and superior.
2. Invalidation: The narcissist dismisses the feelings and experiences of the scapegoat, making them feel unheard and unworthy. This fosters the narcissist’s sense of control and superiority.
3. Gaslighting: Narcissists use gaslighting techniques to distort the scapegoat’s reality, making them question their own perceptions and sanity. This manipulation reinforces the narcissist’s control.
4. Emotional Abuse: The narcissist may engage in emotional abuse, including verbal attacks, insults, and humiliation, to exert power over the scapegoat. This abusive behavior serves to degrade the scapegoat and enhance the narcissist’s sense of dominance.
5. Triangulation: Narcissists may create conflict or competition among individuals, positioning the scapegoat against others. This divisive tactic ensures the narcissist remains in control and receives attention and validation.
6. Demand for Attention: The narcissist constantly seeks attention from the scapegoat, whether positive or negative. They may provoke emotional reactions to extract the desired response, reinforcing their sense of importance.
7. Punishment and Reward: By alternating between punishment and reward, the narcissist manipulates the scapegoat’s behavior. This dynamic reinforces the narcissist’s control and ensures a continued supply of attention.
8. Isolation: Narcissists may isolate the scapegoat from others, limiting their support network and reinforcing dependence on the narcissist for validation and acceptance.

Dealing with narcissistic abuse as a scapegoat is painfully challenging, but there are steps you can take to protect yourself:

1. Recognize the Manipulation:

   • Educate yourself about narcissistic behavior to recognize manipulation tactics. Learn more about narcissistic family systems here
   • Acknowledge that the narcissist’s actions are not a reflection of your worth or character.

2. Establish Boundaries:

   • Limit the information you share with them, including details about yourself, your feelings, your plans, your aspirations, and anything that could provide them access to your inner world. Keep in mind that any information they possess about you is likely to be used against you, underscoring the importance of mastering the Gray Rock method. Learn more about the Gray Rock method here
   • Limit contact or interaction with the narcissist to protect yourself emotionally.

3. Maintain Independence:

   • Cultivate interests and relationships outside the narcissistic dynamic.
   • Focus on personal growth and self-care to build resilience.

4. Document the Abuse:

   • Keep a record including dates, times, and descriptions of the narcissists behavior.
   • This documentation may be valuable if legal or protective measures become necessary.

5. Understand You Can’t Change Them:

   • Accept that you cannot change the narcissist’s behavior or perspective.
   • Focus on your own healing and well-being instead of trying to appease or change the narcissist.

6. Consider No Contact:

   • Evaluate the possibility of implementing no contact if the relationship becomes too toxic.
   • Establishing distance may be crucial for your emotional and mental health.

7. Seek Professional Help:

   • Engage with a therapist or counselor specializing in narcissistic abuse.
   • Professional guidance can help you navigate the emotional challenges and provide coping strategies.

8. Rebuild Self-Esteem:

   • Work on rebuilding your self-esteem and self-worth.
   • Surround yourself with positive influences that appreciate and validate you.

9. Legal Measures (if necessary):

   • If the abuse escalates or becomes threatening, reach out for help, consult with legal professionals to explore protective measures.

How to think of your situation when you are the family scapegoat?

Published on: February 2, 2023

by Art Florentyna

Personal Development Coach