You're NOT Crazy! Understanding Emotions to Attain Self-Control For Scapegoats
Published on:
A key to overcoming self-sabotage lies in mastering your emotions and the key to mastering your emotions lies in understanding the difference between emotions and feelings.
If you were the family scapegoat, developing a healthy relationship with your own emotions, feelings, and instincts has most likely been stifled. There is a major disconnect, an internal fragmentation that occurs as you grow up in a dysfunctional family, with your body telling you one thing, and everyone in your toxic environment trying to convince you of another.
That natural instinct to be authentic that all children are born with becomes an instinct to be avoided for the sake of one’s survival.
About Emotions and How to Think of Them Healthily
Let’s set the record straight. Emotions are normal, universal experiences that are created by our physiological responses to stimuli.
An unhealthy connection with our inner world, coupled with a lack of understanding of our emotions and their messages, often leads to self-sabotage. To break the cycle, transforming our relationship with our emotions is key.
In order to transform our relationship with our emotions, we must first understand what they are and how they work.
Dr. Ekman identified seven basic universal emotions: Anger, Joy, Fear, Sadness, Disgust, Surprise, and Contempt. Categorizing them simply as “Positive” or “Negative” is overly reductive. Each emotion serves a purpose and carries a unique message for us. Understanding this complexity is essential for navigating our emotional landscape and fostering personal growth.
Primary Emotions: The Initial Spark
Our primary emotions are our first reactions to events and situations in life. They arise instinctively, like a knee-jerk response.
Primary Emotions:
● Fear: Triggered by perceived threats.
● Joy: Arises from positive experiences.
● Anger: Responds to frustrations, injustices, or threats.
● Surprise: Occurs during unexpected events.
● Disgust: Elicited by offensive stimuli.
● Sadness: Response to loss or disappointment.
● Contempt: Arises from perceived moral failings.
Secondary Emotions: Reactions to Reactions
Sometimes, we learn (often unconsciously) that expressing certain primary emotions is “wrong” or undesirable. Beliefs like “I shouldn’t feel sad” or “It’s bad to be angry” can lead us to suppress these natural responses. However, emotions don’t simply disappear. When we push them down, they can transform into secondary emotions, which are often more complex and difficult to manage.
It’s important to distinguish between suppressing emotions and self-control. Self-control involves managing the expression of our emotions in a healthy way. Conversely, secondary emotions arise from suppressing the initial feeling altogether which can then have a domino effect within us such as creating feelings of shame, resentment or envy.
Examples of Secondary Emotions
Here are some common secondary emotions and how they might arise from feelings about our primary emotions:
- Anxiety: This can stem from fear, often involving worry about potential future threats (feeling unsafe or threatened).
- Guilt: A mix of sadness and anger, triggered by a feeling of having done something wrong.
- Shame: A combination of sadness and disgust, linked to feelings of inadequacy or humiliation.
- Jealousy: A blend of sadness and anger, often due to a feeling of being threatened in a relationship or with possessions.
- Envy: A mix of sadness and contempt, arising from the feeling of desiring something someone else has.
Feelings: The Thoughtful Layer
Feelings are the conscious interpretations of our emotions. They involve thoughts we generate in response to our body’s initial emotional response. Unlike emotions, feelings can be influenced by our past experiences, beliefs, and coping mechanisms. For example, if you hear a rumor about another person, you may decide that you dislike them. However, after hearing their version of the story, you can change your mind and decide that you now like them. Feelings can change because your beliefs can change.
Why Does Knowing this Matter?
Understanding the distinction between emotions and feelings is important because it shapes how we navigate our lives and relationships. Emotions are instinctual, immediate responses that guide us in the moment, often without considering long-term consequences. They are universal and serve to protect us from immediate threats. However, emotions lack comprehensive information and can lead to impulsive decisions.
For example, envision a scenario where you requested not to be disturbed as you had a significant project to finish. However, as you sat down to focus, there was a knock on the door. The natural emotion of anger suddenly kicks in, as you had asked for your alone time to be respected and it wasn’t. However, as you open the door, you see your neighbor holding your wallet, realizing they are returning it after you dropped it on the street. Your emotion of anger lacked all the information; it was a knee-jerk reaction without complete knowledge. This is why it is best to allow for our emotions to pass before making any significant decisions that will have long term consequences.
Feelings are interpretations that arise from emotions, life experiences, and beliefs. They are long-term and evolve as we gather more information. By allowing emotions to pass and making decisions based on feelings, we can consider the broader context and potential long-term impacts of our actions. This understanding empowers us to make more thoughtful and informed choices in our personal and interpersonal lives.
Exploring feelings and emotions through mindfulness practice
Mindfulness practice offers a profound opportunity to deepen our understanding of ourselves by tuning into our feelings and emotions with curiosity and non-judgment. By engaging in mindfulness exercises, we create a safe space to explore our inner landscape, fostering self-awareness and emotional resilience.
Take a moment to introspect or journal on the following questions:
- Focusing within, how are you feeling right now?
- When you think about this week, which difficult feeling or emotion have you often tapped into and find most familiar (e.g., worry, guilt, exasperation, frustration, etc.)?
- How does that difficult emotion affect you physically?
- If you were to look more in-depth and beneath that feeling, what could you discover? (e.g., sadness, disappointment, etc.)?
- If you were to set a small, achievable goal related to nurturing your emotional well-being, what might that look like for you?
Published on:
THE CONTENTS OF THIS WEBSITE ARE NOT MEANT TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP AND COUNSELING. THE READERS ARE DISCOURAGED FROM USING IT FOR DIAGNOSTIC OR THERAPEUTIC ENDS. THE DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER CAN ONLY BE DONE BY PROFESSIONALS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED AND QUALIFIED TO DO SO. THE AUTHOR IS NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE.